There’s a Bisexual Wage Gap, Too1 month, 1 day ago
It’s long been known that groups facing discrimination outside the workplacewomen, gay men, blacks, and latinostend to get paid less. Now there’s evidence of a bisexual pay gap as well, according to the findings of a new study from the American Sociological Review. And, unlike other pay gaps, parts of which can be explained away by factors such as working fewer hours or having kids, this one isn’t as easy to explain.
Drawing from two nationally representative samples of over 10,000 people1 , the study found a 7 percent to 28 percent wage gap for bisexual women and an 11 percent to 19 percent wage gap for bisexual men, when compared to their heterosexual counterparts. “The findings are suggestive of discrimination,” said Trenton D. Mize, a Ph.D. candidate at Indiana University, the study’s author. “Because I’ve accounted for all the reasonable explanations for why we have that gap.”
Previous studies have identified wage gaps for gay men. Some studies put it at 5 percent, others (PDF) at 10 percent. Similar studies have found that lesbians, on the other hand, make more than heterosexual women.
Like the gender wage gap, these pay discrepancies aren’t due solely to discrimination. Take occupation choice, for example. Gay workers are nearly twice as likely to hold a bachelors degree as are straight workers and are therefore overrepresented in the top 15 highest-paying professions. But within the world of high-paying jobs, they get paid less. One study found that gay people choose professions that are “atypical of their gender.” Since female-dominated fields tend to pay less, that may account for why gay men earn less. The opposite holds true for lesbian workers, who select into “male,” and therefore better-paid, fields.
Wage discrimination is also more likely within those higher paying fields, where pay is dependent on merit and performance, and people’s biases can play a strong role in evaluating and determining salaries. Gay men may get passed over for bonuses or pay bumps for the same reasons that women don’t get raises.
Parenting choices are an even bigger factor. The “fatherhood bonus” boosts men’s earnings more than 6 percent when they have a child, research has found. Gay men are less likely to have children, so fewer receive the bonus. Lesbian women are similarly affected. The “motherhood penalty” costs women 4 percent in wages for each child they have, the same research found. Since lesbian women are less likely to have children, they won’t necessarily face the same motherhood penalty as straight women with families do.
Mize, in his research, found that these bumps and penalties account for most of the gay wage gap: “After including the effects of motherhood and marriage in the modelhighly significant predictors of wagesthe wage gap between lesbian and heterosexual women becomes insignificant.” He found the same for gay men: Once accounting for fatherhood, the gap went away.
However, that didn’t hold true for bisexual workers. “I found that marriage and parenthood explained little if any of the wage gaps for either bisexual men or bisexual women,” he said.
Mize contends that this leaves one explanation: stereotyping and discrimination. In previous research2, he has found that bisexual men and women are viewed as more immature and dishonest and less capable and competent than straight or gay people.
In the U.S., no federal law bans discrimination based on sexual orientation3. The Employment Non-Discrimination Act, a federal bill that would prohibit employment discrimination based on sexual identity, is not likely to pass any time soon. Mike Pence, the Vice President-elect has voted against the law, saying it “wages war on freedom of religion in the workplace.”
President-elect Donald Trump has also said that if Congress passes the First Amendment Defense Act, a bill that would allow businesses to legally discriminate against gay Americans based on religious beliefs, he will sign it.
“I’m pessimistic at this point,” said Mize about the possibility of federal protections for bisexual workers. “The tone is not promising.”
Corrects chart to show that men and women earned different amounts of money.
Read more: www.bloomberg.com
Women of America: we’re going on strike. Join us so Trump will see our power1 month, 17 days ago
The lean-in variety of feminism wont defeat this administration, but a mobilization of the 99% will. On 8 March we will take to the streets
The massive womens marches of 21 January may mark the beginning of a new wave of militant feminist struggle. But what exactly will be its focus? In our view, it is not enough to oppose Trump and his aggressively misogynistic, homophobic, transphobic and racist policies. We also need to target the ongoing neoliberal attack on social provision and labor rights.
While Trumps blatant misogyny was the immediate trigger for the huge response on 21 January, the attack on women (and all working people) long predates his administration. Womens conditions of life, especially those of women of color and of working, unemployed and migrant women, have steadily deteriorated over the last 30 years, thanks to financialization and corporate globalization.
Lean-in feminism and other variants of corporate feminism have failed the overwhelming majority of us, who do not have access to individual self-promotion and advancement and whose conditions of life can be improved only through policies that defend social reproduction, secure reproductive justice and guarantee labor rights. As we see it, the new wave of womens mobilization must address all these concerns in a frontal way. It must be a feminism for the 99%.
The kind of feminism we seek is already emerging internationally, in struggles across the globe: from the womens strike in Poland against the abortion ban to the womens strikes and marches in Latin America against male violence; from the vast womens demonstration of last November in Italy to the protests and the womens strike in defense of reproductive rights in South Korea and Ireland.
What is striking about these mobilizations is that several of them combined struggles against male violence with opposition to the casualization of labor and wage inequality, while also opposing homophobia, transphobia and xenophobic immigration policies. Together, they herald a new international feminist movement with an expanded agenda: at once anti-racist, anti-imperialist, anti-heterosexist and anti-neoliberal.
We want to contribute to the development of this new, more expansive feminist movement.
As a first step, we propose to help build an international strike against male violence and in defense of reproductive rights on 8 March. In this, we join with feminist groups from around 30 countries who have called for such a strike.
The idea is to mobilize women, including trans women, and all who support them in an international day of struggle a day of striking, marching, blocking roads, bridges, and squares, abstaining from domestic, care and sex work, boycotting, calling out misogynistic politicians and companies, striking in educational institutions. These actions are aimed at making visible the needs and aspirations of those whom lean-in feminism ignored: women in the formal labor market, women working in the sphere of social reproduction and care, and unemployed and precarious working women.
In embracing a feminism for the 99%, we take inspiration from the Argentinian coalition Ni Una Menos. Violence against women, as they define it, has many facets: it is domestic violence, but also the violence of the market, of debt, of capitalist property relations, and of the state; the violence of discriminatory policies against lesbian, trans and queer women; the violence of state criminalization of migratory movements; the violence of mass incarceration; and the institutional violence against womens bodies through abortion bans and lack of access to free healthcare and free abortion.
Their perspective informs our determination to oppose the institutional, political, cultural and economic attacks on Muslim and migrant women, on women of color and working and unemployed women, on lesbian, gender nonconforming and trans women.
The womens marches of 21 January have shown that in the United States, too, a new feminist movement may be in the making. It is important not to lose momentum.
Let us join together on 8 March to strike, walk out, march and demonstrate. Let us use the occasion of this international day of action to be done with lean-in feminism and to build in its place a feminism for the 99%, a grassroots, anti-capitalist feminism a feminism in solidarity with working women, their families and their allies throughout the world.
Read more: www.theguardian.com
Stripparaoke: the new nightlife tendency that combines- yes- stripping and karaoke1 month, 23 days ago
You can tell theres something a little different about Devils Point Strip Club in Portland, Oregon from the get-go.
Buzzy, horned neon signs beckon in guests with satanic, come-hither appeal. A various kinds of subterranean rocknroll vibe pervades everything from artwork selections to the shadowy red-bulb lighting. Among performers, there are more facial penetrates than not. It feels refreshingly authentic; Ive logged a significant number of hours in exotic dancing joints, but Devils Point is the first where Ive heard Nina Simone crooning as I strolled in the door.
An elevated level of convenience is especially important here, where Sunday nights are home to the weeks most popular event: stripparaoke.
This titillating portmanteau experience is exactly what it sounds like, blending two heavy-drinking, wee-hours-of-the-morning amusement favourites into one massive demonstrate.
The feminist cupcake sale that led to death and rape threats | Madeline Price1 month, 25 days ago
It started with male students upset theyd have to pay the full $1 for a cake and ended with the realisation we still desperately need feminism in the 21st century
If someone had told me, one week ago today, that a simple bake sale aiming to educate students about wage disparity in Australia would rile up a university campus to the point of death threats to the organisers, would reach media sources across Australia, the UK and US, and would result in the single most successful bake sale ever to be held on campus, I would have told them not to be silly; no one cares about a bake sale.
I also would have been wrong.
The now infamous Gender Pay Gap Bake Sale was an afterthought, a supplementary event to the panel discussions, workshops and stalls to be held throughout feminist week on the University of Queensland campus. We have hosted bake sales before, we just wanted this one to have an educational catch: why not educate students about wage disparity while feeding them sugar?
The idea was that each baked good would only cost you the proportion of $1 that you earn comparative to men (or, if you identify as a man, all baked goods would cost you $1). For example, for a woman of colour in the legal profession, a baked good at the stall would only cost you 55 cents.
Other university campuses and womens collectives around the world have done it before from campuses in the US charging more for white students than black students, to campuses in the UK only giving students the proportion of a cupcake they would earn in real life. This was not a new idea.
This particular bake sale, however, started something we could never in a million years have foreseen: a spiral into the darkest depths of gender inequality, the online world of cyberbullying and firsthand experiences of what women face every time they raise their voices.
Far from simply starting a discussion about wage disparity in Australia, the online backlash over the Gender Pay Gap Bake Sale brought to light hundreds of other issues of gender inequality, from sexual violence and threats against women, to why we still need feminism in the 21st century. This bake sale did its job and more.
We had students who had previously dismissed the idea of feminism approach us at the bake sale, purchase an item and explain that they didnt believe feminism was still needed until reading the comments posted online.
Read more: www.theguardian.com
Emma Watson starts feminist book group on Twitter2 months, 21 days ago
Actor pledges to ask stars including Taylor Swift and JK Rowling to join platform for reading deliberation, to be named Our Shared Shelf
Harry Potter actor, UN ambassador and feminism campaigner Emma Waston has announced she is starting a feminist volume group on Twitter, called Our Shared Shelf. Watson, who is a goodwill ambassador for UN Women and figurehead of the gender equality campaign HeforShe, tweeted yesterday that she wanted to start the book club, with her request for indicated names for the group sparking a flurry of responses.
After suggestions including Wats Up Fems, Watson Your Shelf and Hermiones Army, Watson announced today that she absolutely loved Twitter user @ emilyfabbs suggestion: Our Shared Shelf and portended further information about the book club was still to come.
Twitters response has been enthusiastic: alongside punters, retired American footballer Abby Wambach, performer Sophia Bush and singer Kate Voegele have all tweeted they would take part in the club, with Watson agreeing to ask Harry Potter author JK Rowling and singer Taylor Swift to join in.
The first volume may have been chosen: when Wambach asked for nominations, Watson elected American feminist Gloria Steinems latest memoir, My Life on the Road, a collection of the authors reflections on her life and activism that the Guardian called illuminating.
Watson made headlines when she launched the UNs HeForShe campaign in 2014, asking men to help women tackle sexism and for increased awareness of the negative impact masculine stereotypes had on men. Both men and women should feel free to be sensitive. Both men and women should feel free to be strong, she said, in her speech to UN delegates.
Watson is not alone in her aspirations to start an online celebrity volume club: actor Gwyneth Paltrow operates a cookbook club on her lifestyle website Goop, while fellow actor Reese Witherspoon who has a history of producing film adaptations of her favourite books, including Gillian Flynns novel Gone Girl and Cheryl Strayeds memoir Wild runs a volume club on Instagram, on the hashtag #RWBookclub.
Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg announced his biweekly volume club in January last year, focusing on books that have an emphasis on learning about different cultures, faiths, histories and technologies. Zuckerbergs first choice, The Objective of Power by Moises Naim, rocketed up the Amazon bestsellers list, outstripping 18 months of marketings in days after the announcement.
Read more: www.theguardian.com
Marielle Franco had to resist- no wonder she didn’t survive2 months, 25 days ago
The Brazilian political activist a black, lesbian single mom was a fearless fighter in different countries mired in racism and inequality. Her slaying should reverberate around the world
‘Being a black woman is to defy and survive all the time .” So said Marielle Franco, the Rio de Janeiro city councillor shot dead in a targeted assassination last week, merely 18 months after she was elected. Franco was 38 years old. She was a black, gay, single mom from the Mare favela who stood up for poor person, LGBT people, black people and women. When her auto was hit by nine bullets- four of which entered her skull, killing her instantly- she was on her style home from an event titled Young Black Women Who Are Changing Power Structures. This is what can and does befall such extraordinary women.
And Franco was extraordinary. She was a fearless, charismatic and popular politician with integrity, operating in a country, characterised by chairperson Michel Temer‘s all-male, almost exclusively white cabinet, in which more than half the population is black, mixed race or female. No wonder she had to resist all the time. No wonder she did not survive.
The world is at once shrinking and becoming more frightening, and the reverberations of such hateful and emblematic acts travel far and fast. So, too, does the response: tens of thousands turned out across Brazil to protest about the murder of Franco. Hundreds of thousands have pledged their refusal to forget in more than 30 speeches utilizing the hashtag #MarielleFrancoPresente. Franco was apparently the subject of more tweets( 3.6 m in 42 hours) than Dilma Rousseff, after the ex-Brazilian president’s impeachment.
However, we are not able to shake our heads in barely concealed relief at the track records of “other” countries on human rights, political crisis, economic recession or even murder. Such atrocities happen here too: think of Jo Cox. And, wherever it happens, it is always as much about the hatred of women as it is about political ideology. It appears that Franco, like Cox, are women murdered for her notion.( In Franco’s case, you can also add race and sexuality to the list .) Now it feels as though all the threads are coming together: #MeToo, Time’s Up, the gender pay gap, structural racism, absence of diversity, and on and on it coils. Underpinning the vast and nebulous tangle is gross and endemic inequality. And, at the extreme objective, the outcome is the demolition of a harbinger of hope like Marielle Franco.
Read more: www.theguardian.com
The Republican boss: for female lawyers, it’s the worst possible option2 months, 25 days ago
Female lawyers at conservative-led firms feel routinely discriminated against, hears Jill Filipovic, and a new examine says their experience may not be so rare
Alexis, a 31 -year-old attorney at a mid-sized politically conservative statute firm in Detroit, was working on two bargains when a male partner she hadnt met before called her up and asked if she was getting weepy.
I want to make sure you arent running into Elises office weeping each morning, Alexis said he told her. Is everything ok?
Alexis was stunned, and confounded. She and Elise, another female associate( both names are pseudonyms ), werent close nor were they working on the same examples; there was no indication that anything was wrong with either employee. Theyd been working hard, long hours just like all lawyers at their firm.
It was this presumption that Im not managing it, and that my reaction would be to go exclaim to the other girl up the hallway, Alexis said. Which I have never heard anyone ask a male associate.
Thats merely one example, Alexis said, of how she feels routinely condescended to, undercut, and devalued in the office, especially by her Republican-leaning male superiors. If you have half a brain as a young female associate, you look around and you know there is no route for success, Alexis said. Of 50 -something partners in her department, simply three are female.
According to a new study, Alexiss experience may not be an outlier: female lawyers, the study received, are promoted less often, are less likely to be selected to work on certain client teams, and are more likely to leave their law firms when their male superiors are politically conservative and donate to Republicans. Women who work under politically liberal, Democrat-donating bosses dont insure the same penalties.
Conservative bosses, females report anecdotally, are indeed harder to work with, and conservative workplaces less favorable to female lawyers professional development. Most of the challenges dont come in the form of obvious, outright discrimination theres little of the Mad-Men-style ass-grabbing or blatant disparate therapy but rather, male associates are devote subtle advantages in mentorship, professional opportunities, informal communications, and even compensation.
At Alexiss firm, the young male associates and the young male partners are on informal email chains and group text, staying in constant communications with one another. The more experienced male partners are able to offer the newer lawyers important tips-off and bits of knowledge about long-time clients, something female associates, who arent parties from the group communications, dont get.
These long-standing relationships yield a lot of institutional knowledge, Alexis said. If you arent privy to this back-channeling datum, you constantly step on land mines, and theres no way you could have known unless someone helped you out and told you. Decades of institutional knowledge theres not enough attempt in the world that can help you overcome that.
The politics of gender
Seth Carnahan, an assistant professor at the University of Michigan Ann Arbor who conducted the survey with Brad Greenwood, an assistant professor at Temple University, emphasized that the findings are just a correlation , not a causation. The fact that conservative humen in charge meant fewer women promoted and retained could be caused by the boss or by the employees, Carnahan said.
We cannot rule out the idea that women who are more interested in getting ahead in their careers are selecting jobs where theyre working with more liberal male partners, he said. Still, the weight of their studies on inequality in the workplace suggests that its administrators , not subordinates, who have a strongest hand in pulling females up the career ladder or pushing them down the rungs.
On the partner side, its possible that a partners political ideology might be influencing the culture they create in the organization and also the style they think about the promotion of female associates, Carnahan said. Theres a lot of work in political science that indicates a conservative political ideology is associated with comparatively traditional views about gender roles.
Indeed, according to the General Social Survey, which examines American attitudes and beliefs about a slew of issues, conservative men are significantly more likely than their liberal counterparts to say that the best household set-up is one in which girls stay home with the children and men are the primary breadwinners. If youre a woman working for a boss with that view, its perhaps not surprising that you wouldnt be mentored, or that your career wouldnt be treated as severely as the guys down the foyer.
Its possible that because conservatives have these traditional beliefs about gender roles in the family, they might think that their female associates are more likely to quit and create children, so theyre less likely to invest in them, Carnahan said.
Thats exactly what Claire( a pseudonym ), a 33 -year-old attorney at a mid-sized firm in Manhattan run by a prominent Republican donor, sees in her office.
I feel like Republican humen slot women around two places: They should be at home as spouses taking care of the family, or theyre sex objects, she said , noting that attractive young female associates are treated well at her firm in terms of being invited to client events and sitting in on sessions. But, she said, thats not the same as treating them like employees with a future at the firm.
Attractive women are viewed as people[ the male partners] want around for social events and client events, but they arent viewed as a long-term investment in terms of how do we train them, how do we keep them here. Ive heard remarks about women who get pregnant one woman took six months of leave and there were commentaries about how anyone who takes that kind of leave isnt serious.
For men , not only are the investments in their careers different in conservative workplaces, but so too are the expectations around family and working. Men dont have to contend with the stereotype that theyre either single and therefore sexually available, or theyre mothers and therefore inadequate employees who should be at home with their children.
I used to work with a guy who would put up pictures of his daughter all over his doorway, he was so proud of her, Claire said. Another man who made partner, he was very open about, I have to make it to all of my daughters school things and parent-teacher conferences. He would leave, even if it was very inopportune for the team. If a human does that, hes viewed as being a really great daddy, and look at him determining that work-life balance. Whereas if a woman does it, she is immediately viewed as not serious , not dedicated to the job.
The imbalances arent so obvious, many female lawyers say, when they work for more liberal bosses, whether theyre male or female. In a previous chore under a politically progressive male boss, There was complete confidence in my work product, Alexis said. They started from a position of assuming that I was right and my work product was good. Whereas now its virtually reflexive to blame or tell me Im wrong.
In Claires office, liberal lawyers are a relative rarity, and they stay quiet about their political opinions. But she said it was striking to notice that the two male partners who have taken the greatest interest in my career and helping to develop me, and are not the partners who I inevitably did the most work for, are both liberal.
Promotion and retention of female lawyers are ongoing challenges in the legal field. Women have made up closely connected to half of law students since the early 1990 s, and about half of first and second-year associates entry-level lawyers at law firms are women. Still, two decades after girls achieved near-parity in statute schools, only 4 % of managing partners at the top 200 American law firms are women. Women make up simply 17% of equity partners at statute firms generally.
Linda( also a pseudonym) recently left the mid-sized midwestern boutique firm she worked at for nearly a decade after a conservative Evangelical Christian man took over as managing partner when a tough as fingernails Democrat-voting girl retired. The firm, which was once one third women, dropped to having simply one female associate and one female partner: Linda herself. The firm culture, which before had been collaborative and civil, shifted dramatically.
It became much more authoritarian, much more top-down, were gonna do it this route because I say so which also falls into that notion of dad being in charge, Linda said. I never watched my career route take as much of a nosedive as when this conservative man took over.
For law firms, one answer might be to encourage male partners and associates to check their own biases and stereotypes. Carnahan, the author of the study, said he hopes it will push men to guess, Is there something Im doing that Im not conscious of? Do I have a subconscious bias in terms of my hiring decisions, my educate, my promotion decisions?
He said that he hopes maybe seeing this kind of data could help people examine their own faiths and how that might be impacting their subordinates.
But if a man already believes that women are better off at home with the kids, its hard to imagine hell be persuaded to change by a survey indicating he may be the kind of boss who will stymie womens careers. And for women, there are no good solutions if your boss is treating you unfairly. Even going to HR about blatantly bad behavior, said Alexis, can backfire.
Once they get talked to by HR about a certain behavior or incident, what a lot of the partners end up doing is just stop talking to that female associate, she said. So she gets less run and it ends up hurting her.
To succeed at her firm, Claire said, women have to hide the parts of themselves that make them identifiably female, such as being a mom. The conservative opinion of women as either sex objects or moms, she said, necessitates females, if they want to attain partner at a firm like this, basically quote-unquote be one of the guys. That means you dont know they have children, and theyre always available.
What, I asked Claire, would she need to personally do to thrive as a woman in her conservative workplace? Forgo having children? Work twice as hard as the guys?
Its hard for me to answer that, she said after a long pause. Because I simply dont feel like I have a future here.
Read more: www.theguardian.com
Feminism= fighting for equality for women. This comic break it down.3 months ago
There’s no one right way to be a feminist.
In fact, feminist history is so rich because of the diversity in faith, practices, and ideologies. Thanks to famous feminists like Sojourner Truth, Audre Lorde, Gloria Steinem, Betty Friedan, and so many more, feminism has transcended race, class, and time to reach a number of women and impact new laws and ways of supposing.
Rebecca Cohen, a cartoonist are stationed in Berkeley, explains the importance of feminism as a catalyst for real change through a series of comics:
In the words of feminist writer and speaker Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, a feminist is “a person who believes in the social, economic and political equality of the sexes.”
Of course, we still have a ways to go to get to a place where this definition is true. But as feminism continues evolving, I hope this is a definition men and women can get behind as we continue to fight for justice and true equality!
Read more: www.upworthy.com
Make ‘feminism’ the word of the year until females feel safe3 months, 8 days ago
As the jaunt of abusive humen continues and the world assures the power of women behind this cultural moment, we have to continue the hard work
This week a man attempted a terrorist attack in New York’s Port Authority subway station, but his bomb explosion early and the attacker was the only one seriously injured. Despite what Twitter would have you believe, New York- as it does- went on very much the same. People groused about metro delays and went on with their day .~ ATAGEND It was just one of many days that induced me proud to be a native New Yorker. We could all take a lesson from that sort of resilience and posture, to be honest: we won’t let terrible people attain us feel terrible. We will live our lives, and refuse to be terrorized.
On a happier note, though the outing of abusive humen continues, the world is starting to recognize the power of women behind this incredible culture moment: Merriam-Webster named “feminism” the word of 2017. Now we just have to continue to make it the movement of the year( and next year, and the next) until girls can start to feel safe in their own country.
Glass half full
The unthinkable happened and Doug Jones won the Alabama special election. It’s a low bar- getting excited over an accused child-molester and explicit racist losing- but in a time when wins are few and far between, I’ll take it.
What I’m RTing
How to actually talk to a woman wearing headphones | Martha Mills3 months, 11 days ago
Martha Mills: How to talk to a woman wearing headphones, without seeming like a terrifying harasser
An article has surfaced from the quagmire of bilge the hell is The Internet and it has caused , not without reason, a small tornado of outrage. Written as dating advice for The Modern Man( a misnomer if ever there were one ), it promises a solution to the hot n horny down-on-their-luck young bucks of the world who face the tedious obstacle of a woman wearing headphones, because how dare she. And no, it isnt a parody.
You can read it in its full entitled glory, or stick with me as I dissect each grubby, jaw-dropping hallucination of psychopathic awfulness. Its going to be quite a ride.
These days, many females walk around playing with a smartphone or tablet device and are often wearing headphones and listening to music at the same time.
Yet, that doesnt mean you cant talk to them.
Of course , not all women are open to being approached because not all women are single and looking.
However, if a woman wearing headphones is single and hoping to meet a boyfriend( or even a new devotee ), she will almost always be happy to take off her headphones to give you an opportunity to create a spark with her.
The author, one Dan Bacon, could have saved us all a lot of bother here by answering his How to with Dont. Sadly he seems to have missed some basic behavioural science here; you assure, the very reason I and many other women wear headphones isnt as a trivial obstacle to some throbbing hormone mountain , nor as a challenge for those blessed with an abundance of ego. Its a defense. A defence against the aural onslaught of modern lifeand especially the leering advances of said pulsating hormone mountains. In short, we wear them because we dont want to be talked to. Its basic physics actually – we fill our ear pits to stop you from get in.
But back to Dan 😛 TAGEND
What to Do to Get Her Attention
1. Stand in front of her( with 1 to 1.5 meters between you ).
2. Have a relaxed, easy-going smile.
3. Is she hasnt already looked up at you, simply get her attention with a wave of your hand. Wave your hand in her direct line of vision so she cant ignore it.
4. When she looks at you, smile and point to her headphones and say, Take off your headphones for a minute and pretend to be taking headphones off your head, so she fully understands.
If she doesnt understand( most women will ), simply gesture that you want to talk to her by briefly pointing backward and forward from you to her and say, I want to talk to you for a minute.
In most cases, you wont have to go to that extreme, but some daughters are shy and will be hesitant to take the headphones off right away because they are feeling a lot of nervousness and exhilaration about what is happening.
5. Then, do what we call Acknowledging the Awkwardness by rapidly mentioning something about the awkwardness of the moment( insure the conversation example below ), to demonstrate you understand that approaching a woman in this way isnt the most common of experiences for either party.
This helps set her at ease and know that you are a cool guy who she can relax and open up to.
I dont know if these five steps are a common thing, but I have personally experienced this several times. At step 1 I know what you are doing and Im dismissing you, hoping the ground will open up and take one of us to the depths of somewhere Hellish, which would be more pleasant than such a situation is developing to be. By step 3 Im not feeling aroused and Im not feeling flattered as Dan later tells his readers I will be – Im feeling harassed. Straight up, dictionary definition harassed.
By step 4 Ive learnt that you cant understand a basic body language brush-off and are therefore a direct threat to my personal safety. My brain is in oppose or flight, checking for escape roads, its trying to figure out just how aggressively youre going to react to any further action I take to extract myself from a situation altogether not of my own making and it is praying they use a flattering photo of me on the news , not that one when my front-facing camera went off accidentally that time.
According to step 5, the fact you have bullied me into one of the most awkward and scary moments of my life builds you a cool guy. Mr Bacon clearly has difficulty spelling. It begins with a t, Dan.
Heres Dans interpretation of how the conversation goes once a human has use his infallible five-point Jedi mind trick to bludgeon a woman from her blissful state of aural security:
You :[ Smile in a friendly, confident manner] Hey I know its not normal for people to talk to someone with headphones in, but I was strolling along and saw you and thought wow, shes a cutie, I have to say hi. Im Dan, whats your name? Woman :[ Usually flattered by the compliment and impressed by your confidence to approach her like that] Jessica. You :[ Add in some humor] Coolnice to meet you Jessica. I dont normally talk to daughters with headphones, but your big green headphones were just calling out to me. Woman :[ Most likely laughing, smiling and enjoying the interaction ]. You :[ Let her know that you have something to do/ somewhere to go, so she understands that youre not going to stand there talking to her for 30 minutes] Anyway, so Im just out doing a bit of shopping at the moment. Im on my route to a store up the street. Hows your day going so far?
In his scenario, Jessica has just been waiting her whole life to be blessed with the attention of a complete stranger who misstep hunched shoulders, darting eyes and rictus for giggling and smiling.
Heres how it plays out in real life. Trust me, Ive been it, insured it and spoken to the survivors:
Him : I see you dont want to be talked to but I find you physically attractive and Im constructing that your problem.
Her : Please leave me alone.
Him : F *** YOU, YOU STUCK UP B ****, I DIDNT FANCY YOU ANYWAY.
With advice like this out there, its hardly any surprise, is it? These lonely men so desperately in search of conquests have been given permission, blessed with the entitlement to go forth and pluck their bounty employing but five humble steps. So imagine their horror and indignation when that which has been promised doesnt want to be plucked and tells them to sling their greasy hook.
Next Dan listings the five mistakes men attain when approaching a woman who is wearing headphones. Sadly not one of them is to sod right off.
Points 1, 4 and 5 are fairly inoffensive, generic dating guff( be confident, be engaging, be flirty ), but oh boy, just try and get your noggin round points 2 and 3.
2. Allowing her to dismis him
Headphones are a great barrier between a person and the rest of the world.
That being said, if a guy wants to get a womans attention he needs to show confidence by being determined to get her to stop listening to the music and chat to him to him.
If a guy has a weak vibe or presence about him, a woman usually wont give in to his request for her to remove the headphones.
Women love to test guys to see how confident they truly are and a favorite test of women is to ignore a guys attempts to converse with her and find what he will do next. Will he walk away in shame, or will he remain calm and continue talking to her in a confident, easy-going manner?
This is her style of gauging his interest in her and also a way of determining whether he is mentally and emotionally strong enough for a girl like her.
If a guy devotes up at the first sign of resistance, most women will be to turn by his mental and emotional weakness as a man.
3. Allowing her to take control of the interaction
No matter how confident or challenging a woman might behave, she still dreams of fulfilling a guy who is more confident than her. A woman doesnt want to be forced to control an interaction with a guy( i.e. call the shots, boss him around ), but she will if she has to.
Controlling an interaction with a woman is not about bossing her around, being arrogant or being too assertive. Instead, you simply need to assume the role of the man and let her be the woman. In other terms, build her feel girly around you because you think, behave and feel( your vibe) so masculine.
The advice here is basically No doesnt mean no, it entails keep going until you get what you want – the screaming will stop eventually. Because apparently thats what women want – and forms the basis for a million rape defence lawsuits. Trust me, when we tell you to go away we arent testing your measure as a human, were testing how quickly your legs can carry you in an offward direction.
Put Dans advice into any other scenario for the true jaw-drop factor: Shopkeepers may lock their doors at night, but if you want a pint of milk, only hammer on the door until they open up. Theyll be flattered.
I appreciate the world of mating is hard but please, for the love of humanity, learn this: because we are want, doesnt mean you can have. Women are not commodities to be hunted and won, and if you have no luck find someone to bump pink bits with, thats your problem , not our flaw for not adhering to the playbook regulations. Its a playbook we never signed up for and its only a game if both teams actually know theyre playing.
Nowhere in his advice does Dan tell his disappointed man-babies how to handle rejection with grace, because the advice is simply not to accept it. This attitude is why I and countless other women have been been chased down the street, followed home, physically constrained, spat at, verbally abused and generally made to feel like garbage, merely for trying to exist.
So when, I hear the whiny pissbabies ask, when am I allowed to approach hot single women? Simple.
If a woman has her headphones in, the answer is never – and before you bleat on about ooh, what if theres a fire ?, shell reek it, even through all your bulls ** t. If youre in a bar or party, her flirtatious smile may be the come-on youre go looking for, but be prepared to accept that you read it wrong, politely wish her a good evening and toddle back up out of her life without 20 minutes of awkward pawing, insisting she let you buy her a rohypnoltini. But how about this; take up a hobby, ask your friends if they know of someone looking to date or( brace yourself for a whopper of a revelation) if youre looking for a horde of single, eligible girls all looking for friendship-maybe-more in one convenient place, try a dating site.
Anyway, coming soon from Dan Bacon, How To Talk To A Woman Through A Fog Of Pepper Spray. Probably.
Martha Mills is on Twitter as @mittendamour
Read more: www.theguardian.com