I’m Not Shocked By The Negativity I Receive About My Interracial Relationship

13 days ago

Patience is a virtue that is suggested to everyone. But if you are in an interracial relationship in 2016, patience is a necessary skill. A sense of humor will take you a long way too, but you won’t make it out the front doorway without patience.

I consider myself a biracial woman, although, based on societal stipulations, I am classified as a black female. I would categorize myself the same if my mind worked solely on a binary scale. I date an Irish-Indian-Scottish man who is, you guessed it, a white man.

Why is this important? I’m not really sure. I’m still trying to figure it out.

Being a black woman has always been my truth, and something I espouse proudly. I love everything about my heritage, culture, skin and hair. #BlackGirlMagic, if you will.

By identifying as a black woman, I often get placed into stereotypes that contradict my personality, beliefs or perspectives. This is never more present to me than when I am out with my boyfriend and get gazed at like a unicorn on a busy street corner.

Here are some facts about us 😛 TAGEND

Our lifestyles aren’t different. We grew up with similar surroundings, experiences and upbringings.Our values aren’t different, seeing as we both believes in and strive for the same qualities in life and as humans.Our respective religions, political views and overall life outlooks are remarkably similar.

But our scalp tones are vastly different shades, thus inviting a slew of ignorant the issues and premises to be placed on our relationship that normally wouldn’t be there.

At first, I believed it to be a Southern habit because living in the deep south can be hard for anyone deemed “different.” Then it started happens in our travellings out of state at the hands ofpeople who have never stepped a foot over the Mason Dixon line.

It has always baffled me as to why people am worried about the lives of others, when that person literally does nothing to influence your own life.

It’s the amount of attention that stimulates you want to shrieking, “HI. HELLO. I Assure YOU.” But, that’s not very polite, is it?

Oftentimes, it gets to a phase where you merely wishes to carry around a bunch of cards stating things via “Love Actually, ” with answers like, “No, neither of us are having problem identifying with our respective cultures.”

Actually, we haven’t “was talkin about a” kids yet but I’m sure they will identify as “human.”

No, his mommy actually loves and adores me . Yes, we both speak proper English and are natural-born citizens of the US . No, I don’t feel like I’ve betrayed my race by dating him. But thank you for having caring .

According to this report by Pew Research Center, 12 percent of newlyweds in 2013 married someone of a different race. And beyond that, 6.3 percent of all weddings in 2013 were interracial.

That’s a lot of people who are living, breathing and loving person of a different race. So why is it such a spectacle?

I’ve never understood why find an interracial couple walking down the street can elicit the same reactions as find a giraffe graze peacefully in your suburban yard like it’s not supposed to be there, but you still can’t pull your eyes and judgements away from it.

At periods, I chalk it up to my insecurities as to why this person maintains looking at us across the restaurant, or why that man is shaking his head seemingly in our direction.

But other times more specifically, when a black human asks me the issues to, How are you able support black humen/ black lives when you date a white man? I think to myself, “What the actual fucking? ”

That question is completely ridiculous and I normally refuse to answer it, but for the sake of such articles, here’s what I will say.

There is absolutely no correlation between those two things. I hate the double standard presented to women of colouring when they date outside of their race, and it’s about hour it was halted.

Also, according to this same report from the Pew Research Center, black humen are much more likely than girls to marry person of a different race. Merely 12 percent of black females married outside of their race in 2013, as opposed to the nearly full one-quarter of black men who married outside of theirs.

I’ve always been shocked by the amount of attention America pays to the color of someone’s skin, and sadly, I have been subjected to it for the better part of my life.

From the dreaded What are you? to the never-ending, Well, you’re not like normal black people” it’s rare I get away with not being questioned about my race.

But the question of interracial dating is something that never ceases to astound me. It can come from literally anyone, even your more level-headed and liberal friend.

If we continue to objectify people by their race, we’ll never get rid of the systemic racism that flows through our society.

To give in to the hatred of the world is to let people’s ignorance win. It’s devoting people the power to influence and change Their own lives when they play no pivotal role in it.

There’s not a person alive who should allow this negativity to dictate theirlives, yet sadly, there are quite a bit who do.

An Elite Daily writer wrote about her experience with interracial dating, and the personal insecurities that grew from her negative experience with it. That violated my heart, because love is love.

I’ll even hashtag it so it means a bit more. #LoveIsLove.

We shout this from the rooftops, but barely present it to one another. It’s about hour we walk the walk because I, for one, am getting sick of this shit.

Read more:

Tinder Couple Finally Gets Acquainted After 3 Years – Video

1 month, 4 days ago

They’re fairly cute together right?

Read more:

39 Men Answer’ What Induces A Girl Crazy ?’

1 month, 7 days ago

1. Forever secretary ?~ ATAGEND

I know one daughter who still checked her ex boyfriend’s email four years after they is broken. I guess he never changed his password.

2. They should’ve started a religion !~ ATAGEND

My friend was dating a girl for a couple of months when she told him that she was pregnant and he was the father. He broke up with her after that because…they had never had sex.

3. Hardcore stalker

Went on a date with her, she was a super nice girl and …. okay …. in the looks department. I entail, I had fun on the date, but wasn’t attracted to her. Didn’t plan on a second.

One day she calls, and I answer because, what the hell. She asked what I was doing tonight, and the” She wants to know if we can go on a second date ,” buzzer starts running off. I told her I had schemes, which I legitimately did.” Plans doing what ?”

” Uhhh … having dinner with my family and close friends .”

Long story short, she just depicted up. And when she depicted up, she didn’t say hi. Merely stood behind my chair and gazed. I had no idea she was there because my back was to the door. When dinner objective, she asked what I was doing then. I flat out told her that was going home. She followed me home. Told her to leave, and never spoke to her again.

Creepiest goddamn thing in dating yet.

4. Intense “tattoo” art ?~ ATAGEND

My roommate in college was dating a guy and he would often spend nights at our place. All of a sudden he stopped coming around. I asked her what happened to him and she said that she found out he had a crush on me. I asked how she knew and she informed me that he had engraved MY name into his arm.

5. Not the best gift giver ?~ ATAGEND

Showing up at a Donut Shop two months after the breakup to give you an anniversary gift, and it’s a gun rack.

6. Casting spells, or just crazy ?~ ATAGEND

Waiting until everyone’s asleep, and then talking to herself in multiple voices, giggling sporadically.

Freaked my friend right the hell out.

7. Just having the eyes, man

Crazy eyes. I’m talking about you can see her entire iris and it looks like she’s trying to keep her eyes open as wide as is practicable. Something about it just induces them seem dead inside…

8. How are you able turn this down ?~ ATAGEND

I had a girl come up to me once at a party and tell me she hadn’t changed her panties in a week and would let me” do anal on her .”

Never spoke to her in my life before. She was a friend of a friend. I kindly turned down her offer.

9. Plz plz no

Talking about kid names at week 2.


10. Comparing sizes

Taking about the size of the dicks of the guys they’ve been with. As if thats somehow going to impress me or construct me competitive .. Has happened to me twice

11. More dick-related stuff

I once had a girl go into great detail, while at dinner on our first date, about how her last two ex’s had huge penises and while she liked it she was always very sore for a few days after. She then told me she was happy she was out with a “normal” guy.

The thing is, she had never seen or felt mine and had no information about it at all. She hadn’t even asked me how big it was. She was just assuming, by looking at me, that I had a small penis.

12. Talking about ex’s is weird

For me when they mention any ex at all. Once or twice is fine. If it’s a funny story, go for it, I have a good sense of humour. But when it’s” don’t do that, my ex never did that” or,” my ex does this so you should do it like that .” Yeah go back to him cheating and verbally abusing you then.

13. WTF is wrong with people

I remember a goth chick style back in jr high who used to try devoting herself tattoos in class. She’d dip a sewing needle into ink and stab along her arm all through class. Tried talking to her asking if she was alright, but she kept going on about how cool it was and I really didn’t want her to try stabbing me with it( she asked if I wanted one when I ensure her doing it ).

Later on she used the same needle and would sew thread throughout her hand and limb. Watching this actually made me pretty nauseous and thankfully our educator finally noticed. I also noticed corpuscles of blood on her desk afterwards and the janitor wiped it down with water and a newspaper towel.

14. This is just stupid

Girls that look to add you to their collection

” Oh, I’ve never been with a tall guy/ black guy/ uber driver before “.

I had someone try to sleep with me strictly because she had slept with my twin friend, and” wanted to complete the situated .” Gross, Jill. Gross

15. Speaking in tongues

I met a girl at a bar one night and she gave me her number. I called the next day and we stimulated plans for the weekend. We went to dinner and had a few drinks while listening to the band. The night was getting on and we decided to head back to her place.

Things get quiet during the car ride when out of nowhere she turned to me and said in a deep voice,” Your mother’s name is Dorothy and you are the antichrist .” I immediately asked, “what?” Her reply was,” oh sometimes I just say weird things .” My mommies name is Dorothy. Tldr ; I may be the antichrist.

16. R u even human ?~ ATAGEND

Randomly meowing like a cat. Had a girl do this all the time and I never knew how to respond.

17. Separation is okay !~ ATAGEND

if she maintains texting you every five minutes since you didn’t answer.

18. S-E-P–AR–AT-I-O-N

I was dating a cheerleader in college, and then I transferred and we kept dating. I would always complain about her, and when she visited, she was super nice and friendly to my whole social circle. So all my friends liked her and believed I was just being mean.

When were in a group, she called, and I didn’t answer. And I told them to pay attention to my phone. She called 15 times in a row( which was common ). We were drinking, so we kinda made an impromptu drinking game out of it, my friends eventually saw where I was coming from.

19. Interesting decorations

Horse posters. Stay away from the ones with pony posters.

20. Knives for teeth ?~ ATAGEND

Once made out with one at a party and somehow cut my cheek. She didn’t have braces and she sliced my cheek from the inside.

21. Just f* cking nuts

Her stalking the guy all the way to the mall where he was having lunch with his mother and friends after she simply threatened to tell his entire household that he” raped her” if he ever tried to break up with her. This was only one of the many stunts she pulled. That daughter was absolutely nuts.

Man, with friends like these, I don’t need to bother with watching daytime television. I got all the drama I require right here.

22. STOP

When she tells,” I went through your phone last night…who’s mama ?”

23. She be creepin ‘~ ATAGEND

Creeping through your telephone/ FB inbox. With my spouse, I’m an open book; she knows my passwords and has access to all of that stuff. But she never goes through it because she’s not an insecure mess.

My ex OTOH, I never dedicated her any of my passwords because I didn’t trust her. She creeped through my computer a few times when I was asleep. There’s no need for that even though I have nothing to hide. Just let me have some privacy, and trust me.

24. C-R–AZ-Y

When I caught her in the bathroom after a bj rubbing my wad into her pussy. I presumed she was just spewing it out in the sink and cleaning up. Nope. She was 35 and really wanted a baby before “it was too late”

25. Weird quotes

If they use that quote” if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my best”, I can guarantee you they’re a fucking whack job.

26. Getting in our business

Getting too touchy or even trying to kiss you when you’re not interested. I mean, what the fuck, if a dude did that they’d be accused of sexual assault, but some females simply don’t see it as wrong.

27. Breaking and entering

Crazy girl I dated once broke into my pad when I wasn’t there and touched a bunch of my shit and went through things. She tried to make-up some excuse about forgetting her key, but she failed to acknowledge I had locked the doors.

Turns out she stole my housekey, made a transcript of her own, then came around when I wasn’t there to chill. I merely went out with her a couple times, but since I tapped it she somehow figured my shit was now her’s!

28. More animal stuff

One of my exes( God, that feels awkward saying) would hide under her bed when emotionally distressed( she was also a cutter to make things worse) and one time the police had to pull her out. She was reported hissing and growling at the officers like a cat during the event.

She had also concealed a vial filled with her blood and her ex’s( she had some very serious problems) under the bed as well. She apparently had a lot of stuff from her ex( and myself after we is broken) that she stashed throughout her room for safe keeping.

29. Wowowowowow

I had a buddy, his ex tried to poison him by putting windshield wiper liquid in his ice cubes. He was a day laborer and drank tons of water. He started to set it together when the water savoured funny all the time and he kept getting bad headaches.

30. Watching me from her auto

I was seeing a girl for a little bit … Nothing exclusive … A month or two in, she gives me the we should be exclusive talk. I don’t think I can see someone who insures other women. I told her that I liked her, but I wasn’t really looking for anything monogamous. Same story that I’ve given her from the beginning. So she leaves my house in tears. Objectives things. So I was frustrated because she was nice, but I understood her position too, but I didn’t want to budge on mine either. Fast forward the next day and I haven’t answered her text. I get a text that says, I left something at your doorway … So I’m like WTF? She left a card, and a periodical since I write music. Super sweet gift. I messaged her back, asking hey? why didn’t you ring the door buzzer and come in? And she’s like well I didn’t think you’d want to see me or talk to me anymore … bla bla bla…

So we spend the next two hours re-hashing the few months we spent together. I decide to go jump in the pond for an hour and shivering. Come back out, and my phone is filled with text. But now it’s filled with pictures of my house! I’m like WTF is this? I was in the pool, whats going on? And she was like, I never went home after I dropped off the gift. I’m parked across the street.

Creeped me the fuck out. I invited her in. She gave me the I don’t care if you see other people and I objective it there. It was super creepy. For a few hours she was parked outside my house, talking to me, rather than coming in and having a talk … That sealed it for me…

31. Goodbye, then .~ ATAGEND

Had a girl talk to herself in the bathroom mirror at 2 in the morning about her day because” I didn’t dedicate her enough attention .”

32. That’s awkward

Smearing menstrual blood on her face.

33. A little too horny

There’s this girl in my alumnu classesgod damnit. She will send me texts in the middle of our 4 our class telling me how much she needs to masturbate. Or maybe sometimes simply describing the erotic fan fiction she is reading. Or asking me to tell her a dirty joke late at night. Or randomly sending me emojis about drinking cum( eggplants and the like ). Or making a face like she just wanted suck my dick EVERY TIME she leave my apartment. Jesus, just stop already, I’m not into it.

34. Jesus …~ ATAGEND

writing you a letter in their period blood telling you they want your newborn. bar seems to be set a bit high for women than men but that did it for me

35. Please let this be fake .~ ATAGEND

I currently run( occasionally) with this really socially awkward girl. Being socially awkward isn’t a big deal. But when we’re in the office together, she sits in a corner on the ground in fetal position, lies on the ground all huddled up, and other odd things. She has strolled to a define of draperies and wrapped it around herself like a cocoon in front of around 14 people who were in the room with us at the same hour, told a colleague that he should cut off half his face because it would be cool, told the same colleague that she wants to jump off the building and stab herself in the belly( but she doesn’t want to die ), asked multiple people what they would do if she punched them in the face( she couldn’t hurt a fly because she is so damn scrawny ).

She also states that she can’t eat meat because before her dietary selection of only feeing potatoes( no meat, fish, processed food, soy, legumes, grains or bread) after feeing meat, 2-3 weeks later, she would feel sick.( I’m pretty sure her body would have processed the meat long before she would feel ill, but she” knows things” about her body ). Though she says she doesn’t eat processed foods, she buys these food bars off the internet and eat them. Bars of food do not grow on goddamn trees in perfectly rectangular prisms you daft girl!

We live in the same building and I was came back home in the late evening, and find her sitting on the ground in the dark. All I insured was her pasty white face in the darkness like some ghost. Apparently the neighbours watched her there too. She had procured a stray cat and named it and was just sitting there in the dark petting it.( I like cats too, but I don’t act as creepy as she does .) She took the cat in despite the building not allowing pets. It’s a running gag among colleagues that everyone should make sure they lock their doorways because she’d likely kill you in your sleep if she had the chance and her explanation/ defense would be” But the cat told me to do it .”

She shows up to social gatherings like movie nights and brings cat hair covered cookies for her potluck contribution. Then she proceeds to wrap herself in a blanket she brings with her and sleeps in her cocoon nation. We’ve been hoping that she just stops coming to events we invite her to out of obligation. Also the hope of her coming out of her blanket cocoon as normal person after a metamorphosis would be nice.

36. lowkey

I had a girl collect my hair once.

37. Imaginary sex tension

When she comes up to you at a party and starts talking about the( non-existent)” undeniable sex tension” between us, and how this party was a great place for everyone to relieve their sex tension. I noped the fuck out of that conversation in record time.

It’s probably worth noting that I had only really talked to her once before when we were both in a group on 10 or so people playing drinking games at college. She was fairly flirty and made a couple of advances which I did not reciprocate, because I was seeing someone at the time, and induced that quite clear.

38. Weird small talk

When you jokingly say you like spoonfuls and she follows you around campus for four years, almost never talking to you or acknowledging your wavesexcept occasionally to ask if you” remember that we both like spoonfuls a lot .”

39. hello, it’s me .~ ATAGEND

When I was in college, a girl in one of my art seminar classes had a crush on me. Somehow she found out where I lived on campus and one day when I looked out my window, she was standing outside staring at me.

Read more:

10 Tiny Signs You’re In A’ Good’ Relationship

1 month, 27 days ago

” My parents had a very good relationship ,” I often hear my clients say.

” What do you entail by good ?” I ask.

” They didn’t fighting. They spent a lot of hour with each other .”

That may have been the definition of good relations years ago, but now most people want more. Following are ten signs of a healthy relationship.


Is kindness more important to each of you than having your style, being in control, or being right? Do you each receive pleasure out of being kind to one another? Being kind rather than controlling with each other is essential for a healthy relationship.

Spontaneous Warmth and Affection

Do you and your partner well up with warmth and fullness of heart for each other and convey it with affection? Are you each able to see the beautiful essence within one another, rather than just the faultings? Are you be permitted to get beyond the outer to the unique inner Self of each other? Do you enjoy sharing affection? Warmth and affection are vital for a healthy relationship.

Laughter and Fun

Can the two of you laugh and play together? Do you appreciate and enjoy each other’s sense of humor? In the midst of difficulties, can you help each other to lighten up with humor? Can you let down and be playful with one another, letting yourselves is just like kids together? Laughter and fun play a huge role in a healthy relationship.

Enjoying Time Together and Time Apart

Are you both each other’s favorite person to spend time with? Are you motivated to set aside hour only to be together?

Do both of you have friends and interests that you enjoy doing? Are both of you penalty when you are not together?

Some couples spend a lot of time together since they are really loved it, while others spend a lot of time together out of dread of left alone. It is important for a healthy relationship for each person to have friends and interests, so that they are not dependent on one another. Dependency is not healthy in a relationship, particularly emotional dependency.

A Method for Conflict Resolution

All relationships have some conflict. It is not existing conflicts that is the question, but how you deal with it. Do you have a method for resolving conflict, or do the issues merely maintain get swept aside? If opposing is part of how you deal with conflict, do you fight fair, or are you hurtful when you fight?

Letting Go Of Anger

If one or both of you get angry, do you hang on to it, penalise your partner with it, or can you easily let it go? In healthy relationships, both partners are able to quickly move on, back into kindness and affection. Practising the Inner Bonding process is a powerful way of letting run of fury and blamed and moving back in kindness.

Trust in Your Love for Each Other

Do you each trust that the love is solid, even in very difficult times between you? Do you each know that you can mess up, fail, disappoint the other, emotionally hurt the other- and the love will still be there? Do you each know that the love is about who you are , not what you do? This level of trust is essential for a healthy relationship.

Listening, Understanding, Accepting and Learning

Do you each feel heard, understood and accepted? Can you share your secrets with your partner without dreading being judged? Are you each more interested in learning about yourselves and each other than you are in controlling one another? Is listening to each other with an open heart and a desire to understand more important than judging each other or defending yourselves?


Is your sexual relationship warm and caring? Can you be sexually spontaneous? Can you talk with one another about what brings pleasure to each of you?

Freedom to be Yourself

Do you each feel free to be all that you are? Do you each feel supported in pursuing what brings you pleasure? Does your partner feel joy for your joy?

While some people may naturally be open, kind, affectionate, accepting, and emotionally responsible for themselves, most people need to mended the fears and false beliefs they learned in their families. Healthy relationships evolve as each person evolves in his or her ability to be caring to themselves and each other.

Read more:

3 Signs Your Partner Isn’t Cheating, Even Though They’ve Been Distant Lately

2 months, 11 days ago

I’ve been cheated on in the past, and ever since it happened, I assume that all of my subsequent partners will cheat on me, too. So when my last boyfriend started seeming disinterested in our relationship, I instantly assumed it was because he wanted out or liked someone else. However, I had to remind myself that it was most likely my old baggage building my way into my new relationship with a good man. So I started asking myself, what are signs he’s not cheating, even if he might be remote and withdrawn / refused in the relationship? It’s important to stay grounded, especially when you’re guessing the worst.

When we’re in fear, it’s easy for our intellects to jump to conclusions. It’s not like when there’s commotion in our relationship, we instantly assume the best. Usually, we connect the dots of questions that don’t exist. But we need to take into account other things that are going on in our partners’ lives and learn not to take them personally. Merely because my significant other doesn’t talk a lot at dinner one night, or we don’t have sex for a week, doesn’t mean they don’t like me anymore … probably.

Just to make sure, I asked Susan Winter, relationship expert and best-selling author, the ways to tell your partner is still being faithful, despite potentially being forgetful in your relationship. Because it’s important to differentiate between what’s a real concern in a relationship, and what’s your insecurity talking.

1. You Know Their Morals Are Aligned

I’ve been cheated on in the past, so I tend to bring that fear into all of my relationships. If person doesn’t answer my text within a few hours, then they are definitely cheating! There’s no other plausible excuse, such as work or a personal life issue. But then, I started dating a human who told me flat-out that he had never cheated before and would never cheat on me now or in the future. He was vehemently against it, and it was against his moral code. So I had no choice but to take his term for it.

“There’re lots of guys that have a code of ethics that accompany them into their relationships, ” tells Winter. “They’re simply not cheaters. You have to know who your guy is at his core.”

If you know deep down your partner is someone with a really good head on their shoulders, then it’s best not to jump to conclusions and assume they are cheating.

Winter says to ask yourself, “What are his values? What is his attitude on the importance of trust and loyalty? If these are the principles he holds dear, then it’s unlikely he’d compromise them with you.”

Don’t presume the worst in people, especially people. Instead of jumping instantly to blamed if there is inconvenience in your relationship, try to approach the concern first with empathy and understanding, particularly if your partner is the type of person who deserves it.

2. They Likely Have Another Stressor On Their Mind

nd3 000/ Shutterstock

“In[ a woman’s] world, silence is an indication that something’s wrong. In a man’s world, his stillnes can simply entail he’s decompressing, ” tells Winter.

In my last relationship, it was actually the opposite. I crave a lot of peace and alone time, while my need for quiet actually induced my boyfriend uncomfortable. He took it personally. But in relationships, it’s important not to take responsibility for our partner’s emotions and assume the worst.

“It isn’t always’ about us, ‘” she continues. “We fool ourselves into thinking we’re the centres of our man’s every waking thoughts and emotion. We’re not. He could be distracted by something at work or considering what he’s about to do next.”

Sometimes, you take a bad week at work home with you, or issues with your family are plaguing you and affecting you in the bedroom. It’s important to understand that, as individuals, we have a world that exists outside of the relationship, too. Take that into consideration if your partner seems withdrawn or isn’t devoting their undivided attention at all times.

Don’t presume his mood is about you, and don’t turn it into a number of problems. Picking him apart by insisting that his silence or moodiness is somehow related to you or the relationship is a big mistake, ” Winter adds. “He may not know why he’s quiet or distant. And if you give him a plausible reason (‘ it’s the relationship’ ), he may simply believe you.”

By worrying and conveying our concerns through anxiety, sometimes, we create problems in our relationships that don’t exist. It’s always best to ask questions and communicate openly rather than making assumptions.

3. They Don’t React Negatively If You Tackle Them About Their Behavior

berc/ Fotolia

When you’re lying about something and someone calls you out on it, your normal response is to have a huge reaction. You get upset that they’re even asking you or accusing you of being unfaithful. You’ll get defensive — angry. You’ll make up some longwinded tale to get yourself out of it. On the other hand, though, someone who isn’t cheating will react calmly when asked such a question.

“If you decide to ask him directly, his first reaction is likely to be embarrassment. His response will feel natural in its delivery, ” tells Winter. “This is something that’s come out of nowhere, and he doesn’t have a pre-scripted answer. He’ll have to organize his intellect to take in what you are implying, so he won’t be’ practiced’ at his response.”

So essentially, their answer won’t feeling rehearsed, but instead, it will feel because it is. “A guy who’s cheating will instantly jump to the defensive. He’ll feign righteous outrage, ” she continues. “He’ll protest mightily and act wounded and upset that you’d ever believe such a thing. Then, he’ll do the turn-around and switch to the offensive. He’ll begin attacking you, projecting that this is your remorse, anxiety, or insecurity.”

When it comes to cheating, it’s important not to assume the worst, even if there’s distance in your relationship. People go across things in their personal life, and sometimes, you take it home into your relationship. Don’t take things personally, or generate problems that were likely to not exist. But if you want to get to the bottom of the questions, come to the situation with love and empathy and openly communicate, rather than jumping to anger and accusations. Your relationship will be better off for it.

Check out the “Best of Elite Daily” stream in the Bustle App for more tales just like this !

Read more:

9 Things People Wrongly Assume When You’re An Optimistic Person

2 months, 15 days ago
1. That you’re just nave to how the world runs .

Clearly you merely don’t yet, right? Your cheery disposition means you’re young to how things happen and, in time, you’ll learn the truth. Um, or perhaps you DO know and BECAUSE of that you’ve decided to look at things glass half-full. People will accuse you of wearing rose-colored glass, but perhaps they’re just jealous that they don’t have a pair.

2. That you’ve never experienced loss or trauma .

You just haven’t really been through anything.
-_- Puhleaseeee. Ignore that idiotic bull. You can suffer extreme loss and still maintain a positive attitude. Some people merely do. And it’s never something to feel shamed for. Keep on glistening. We could all use a solid flashlight to wade through the dark.

3. That you’re “faking” it .

No one is like that. You’re just trying to impress someone, or pulling this fakey-nice-nice veil to get away with something else. God forbid you’re just different kinds person who believes in the very best, even if you’ve seen your fair share of the opposite.

4. That you don’t have any real problems .

Some of the strongest people I’ve known aren’t exactly the people you’d assumes have triumphed against terrible odds. The goofy ones. The class jester, looking at silver linings when everyone can only watch clouds. The human spirit of survival seems different for everyone. Maybe this mentality is how they carry onward. Don’t judge.

5. That you’ve never experienced depression .

Everyone gets sad. No one is disputing that. But depression is something most varied. Whether it’s chronic or situational, depression can hit anyone. It doesn’t pick and choose based on how smiley person seems, or if appeared as though they walk around with the weight of the world on their shoulders. Depression doesn’t solely exist in pessimists( you can be a pessimist and never struggle with depression ), and it doesn’t skip over all the optimists. It can hit anyone, any time.

6. Or anxiety .

Same can be said with nervousnes. We all release a little cortisol( the main stress hormone) from time to time. But chronic nervousnes ailments don’t only show up in visibly Woody Allen-level neurotic people. Some people are very talented at covering up what’s really going on inside. You never genuinely know. Unless you know. Ya know?

7. That you’re always happy .

You’re human, so…no. You aren’t always happy. Because you aren’t a weird robot ??? Optimists can( and do) have off-days.

8. That you’ve always got the right thing to say.

Just because you try to stay positive in situations doesn’t mean you aren’t just as lost as everyone else. You love being there for the person or persons you care about, and giving advice when you can, but that doesn’t mean you’ve got words of wisdom for every situation. All you can promise is that you’ll listen and love. And that’s really what matters.

9. That you can’t be logical.

There’s this terrible idea that people who are excited about life, those who look at the world like it’s full of greatness( even if they know the bad shit also exists) are somehow not logical beings. They function based on feeling and feeling merely. Nope. Not true. They are just as intelligent and able to think things through as their “realistic” comrades, they just do so with a said he hoped that things will work out for the very best. And candidly? We all need those individuals in our lives.

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Do alpha males even exist? | Dean Burnett

2 months, 27 days ago

Dean Burnett: Donald Trump has repeatedly been described as an alpha male, but theres no scientific proof that such a thing even exists in humans

We all know what an alpha male is. An alpha male is a man who takes charge, one who imposes his will on others , not the other way round. Other humen want to be him, girls want to be with him. An alpha male intimidates, hes unquestionably in charge , no matter what the situation. An alpha male is loud, brash, doesnt care what anybody else supposes. An alpha male says what he wants, does what he wants, wears what he wants, as long as those clothes are roomy enough in the trousers to accommodate his gargantuan gonads and dont dissolve in response to all the testosterone constantly leaking from his pores.

Thats members of the general notion, anyway. But the idea that human men can be alpha males is actually far from scientifically accepted. This may come as a surprise, dedicated how common and widespread the notion is. The latest example would be Donald Trump in his presidential debates. People have labelled him an alpha male, Nigel Farage even defended Trumps obscene commentaries about girls as alpha male boasting and compared him to a silverback gorilla, which for those very well known primate anatomy is actually quite an insult. So what, scientifically, is the case for alpha males among humans? As ever, its somewhat complicated.

Alpha males are supposed to be good with the dames. Photograph: Ron Cohn/ BBC

The origin of the human alpha male

New York Magazine has a very informative and detailed article about this, but the take-home message is that before the 1960 s there were scarcely any examples of humans being described as alpha males, the word was restricted to fields like primatology research. Species like chimps and gorillas do have social structure and hierarchies with a dominant individual at the top, typically a male who has achieved that positon via showings of strength and physical prowess. The fact that alpha males exist isnt disputed, its whether humen can actually be such a thing.

The term started being applied to humans with the publication of Frans de Waals Chimpanzee Politics, which constructed direct comparings between human and chimp behaviour, including the dominant the behavior of males. It became more mainstream when used in the context of Al Gores presidential campaign.

It truly became accepted as something humen should want to be with the success of Neil Strausss The Game, based on lessons he acquired from the Pick Up Artist community. This should trigger alarm bells for many; terms and methods acquired from Pick Up Artist should be treated with extreme scepticism at the very least. But, sex being the powerful motivator that it is, the idea that being an alpha male aimed at improving your life and attain you more successful with women demonstrated unbelievably beguiling, so acceptance and use of the term has now become the norm. But this doesnt mean its valid, just that its common.

Alpha males expect to get their own route at all times, and often do. Why that happens is another matter. Photo: Alvarez/ Getty Images

The case for the human alpha male

One reason that, despite a lack of concrete evidence, the idea of the human alpha male is so persuasive is that is makes a great deal of intuitive sense. The big, loud, brash guys who swagger and dominate and bully have been part of national societies for as long as its existed, so its nice to have a convenient label for them if nothing else.

Its hard to deny that humans are very susceptible to the process of social dominance; we exist in unequal hierarchies with inferior and superior individuals in almost every context, so its not far-fetched to assume that some humen rise to the top of these hierarchies due to a combination of physical and psychological qualities( such as height, a deep voice, and so on ).

Humans are, for better or worse, very easily influenced by displays of confidence, after all. And by acting confident, men could well find they get their route more often, and thus be compelled to continue. A self-fulfilling prophecy that indicates fake it til you make it is a valid approach to becoming an alpha male, and therefore propagate the idea. After all, girls love a bad boy( perhaps )~ ATAGEND.

Overall, human behaviour has many aspects that, taken together, suggest that alpha males are a real thing.

Displays of strength and prowess are common in the wild. They rarely involve oil and posing pouches, though … Photograph: Pornchai Kittiwongsakul/ AFP/ Getty Images

The lawsuit against the human alpha male

The conclusion in the previous section highlights the major problem with the arguments for human alpha males; it focuses on supporting evidence, and dismiss that which contradicts it. Because while human do share a number of features and behaviours with our primate cousins, we are invariably far more complex.

People can belong to different hierarchies, for example; a guy who is the most vocal, dominant person in his amateur football squad might be under the heel of an aggressive boss during his day chore. Is he an alpha male, or not? It depends on context, obviously. Humen have many different social groups and varying roles within them, because were more complex. A universal alpha seems unlikely.

Rather than relying on aggressive dominance, humans are actually far more cooperative and social. Some evidence suggests that our friendliness and sociability is what built us so smart embarking upon, so rather than being the top humen, you could argue that alpha males are something of an evolutionary throwback, the civilizational equivalent of an appendix; no longer employed, simply hangs around and occasionally fills everything with poison.

Supposed human alpha male behaviour also often doesnt match alpha male behaviour in other species. Many non-human alpha males also have a corresponding alpha female who exerts similar high levels of predominance and control, whereas human alpha males invariably have a less respectful attitude towards women, shall we say. Also, the fact that many communities of men( particularly online) are apparently remain convinced that they can all be alpha males is a contradiction in terms; there should only be one alpha male per community, thats sort of the whole phase. The remainder should try and depose him as and when the opportunity presents itself, but until then the objective is, at best, beta males, a word often used as an insult by members of said community with no sense of irony.

Its as if the idea of being an alpha male is very reassuring to those who lack confidence and are frightened by the wider world and people in it, so want to turn the tables.

This may be key. Supposed alpha males may always get their route not because of to some evolved tendency in humen to respect and obey men who showing a specific situated of characteristics, as if people were video games that respond to certain defraud codes, but simply because theyre scary. If a large, shouty man starts bellowing in your face, thats very unsettling, so people may do what he says to stop him from becoming violent, or simply to stimulate him go away. Said man would patently perceive this as evidence for his own superiority.

Maybe the supposed human alpha male is a combination of disgruntled male wish fulfilment and borderline-pseudoscientific justification for resorting to bully, intimidation and generally all-round unpleasant behaviour by humen hoping to impose their will on a world they find too complex and unnerving so revert to their baser instincts to get what they want, despite knowing deep down they dont deserve it and shouldnt have it?

In fairness, alpha male is a lot more succinct.

Dean Burnetts debut volume The Idiot Brain is available now in the UK , USA and Canada .

Read more: www.theguardian.com

I Want To Be Borne With You

3 months, 1 day ago

This might sound weird, but I merely want to sit in a room and be borne with you. I want to stare at wall-to-wall carpet with you while thinking about hair. I want to drink lukewarm Bigelow tea with you. I want to watch mediocre TV with you and have low-grade headaches with you and feed bowl of overcooked pasta with you. I want to buy store-brand wheat bread with you. I want to start a dialogue about something controversial with you until both of us realize we dont know enough about it so we have to switch to talking about food. I want to trace the grain on an artificial timber tabletop while playing four-letter nouns in Bananagrams.

This will be after the not-bored years. Three vacations to hot, photogenic places. Forty Gchat reactions so strong we see the little foxes. Seven passive-aggressive auto rides, fourteen unintentionally backhanded compliments, five misguided ice-outs. An afternoon when we take our career choices out of our heads and set them on the table and stab them with little sticks and forks. A fight where someone throws a spoon. One night that feels like ten, when we go to a strangers apartment and laugh at their accent wall and stand on opposite sides of their room wailing obscure pasta shapes.

After all thatI want to be bored with you.

Not bored of you. Bored. We can drive a Toyota Camry to a strip mall in Jersey, park outside a Rite Aid and chew the insides of our cheeks. We can stare at a concrete column and listen to a Chilis ad. I can touch my one long eyelash and you can pull your one long eyebrow hair. We should do this when its cloudy.

We can let go of all our affectations and all the things we say at parties. We can let go of funny and exciting and interesting and offensive and microaggressive. We can stop trying to be the versions of ourselves that will get the most dopamine, the versions that have been engineered by and for everyone around us. We can stop auto-transcribing everything that happens between us and filtering it into the Good box or the Bad box. We can stop all the overcommunicating and signaling, we can stop being semaphores for whatever we want to feel.

But we can only be borne after weve been everything else. We can only be borne after weve wanted to fuck each other and kill each other, after weve been monumentally silent and pitifully loud. After weve fallen through the canopy of clever gags and Dimly Lit Honesty and what-do-you-think-about-this-disaster-that-happened-yesterday-in-another-city-another-country-another-another-another. After weve arrived at the gray bedrock of our relationship, which isnt fun or tormented or worth blogging about. After weve walked back and forth fifty days over the same conversational thread and constructed one another crazy with everything weve said and not said.

Have you ever put your lips in neutral mode and let your cheeks kind of fall into their pockets just because? Just because? Have you ever picked wax from your left ear while cirrus clouds fall apart and you breathe trace amounts of diesel fuel?

The best things are bearing. The best moments are bearing. They dont light up a timeline or a desktop background or a dialogue, and no matter how much you try, you probably wont recollect them. They are the temporal equivalent of muscle, and without them youd get nowhere.

The best people are the boring ones, too. They are the human equivalent of marble. They bought a Yankee Candle last week but they havent lighted it yet.

So perhaps if it all is all very well, we can end up in the entrance to a 30 -year-old Rite Aid. Well stand underneath yellow light and look at all the Lemonheads and those little tubes full of what look like smaller M& Ms though they arent M& Ms. Well put our hands in our jacket pockets and walk down aisles of plastic superheroes and lawn chairs.

We can stop at the candles, open one or two, and pick the one that smells most like nothing in particular. Just a vague combination of flowers and fruit.

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8 Things You Need To Know If You’ve Ever Asked “Why Doesn’t She Just Leave? “

3 months, 11 days ago

The question that is always asked of victims of domestic abuse is” Why don’t/ didn’t you just leave ?” I know sometimes even victims don’t really understand why.

I’ve heard that question over and over. While there are many different reasons we dedicate for not lead, there is a” scientific explain” for why it is so difficult to leave an abusive situation. I will explain the cycle of indoctrinating as studied using Psychologist Robert Jay Lifton but will be discussing it as it specifically are related to domestic abuse.

Last year, after years of hiding my abuse from almost everybody I knew, I decided to publicly share my tale. Recently, after my research on brainwashing, I went back to read the tale I had written last year. I was shocked. Each experience I described was the step by step indoctrinating process. What’s even more shocking, is that my abuser was only 15 years old.

I am not a Psychologist, I speak from years of personal experience and from spending time with women who have suffered domestic abuse. When somebody’s only objective is to keep you loyal, they will go to great lengths to achieve it.

This is what the brainwashing process looks like 😛 TAGEND

Stage I- Breaking Down the Self

Step 1- Assault on Identity: When somebody is trying to control another, they begin to assault their sense of ego, their identity. They start to say things that cause the victim to doubt who they are.

” You are a slut .” ” You’re worthless .” ” You are not a good mama .” ” You are ugly , nobody will want you .” “This is your fault.” “,NN,[] You built me do this .”

Hate It Or Love It, You Have To Play ‘The Game’ If You Want The Guy

3 months, 20 days ago

When young singletons brave the dating world, we basically have to amp up, suit up and prepare to take the gridiron. Dating today is a game, and it’s a fierce one at that. You risk get stomped on, sacked and tackled, all for the slight chance you could get a free breakaway to the end zone, ultimately scoring a touchdown( aka, seeing the love of their own lives ).

It is not news to anyone that the dating world is a game. Why else would the common reaction to receiving a text message from a crush be, “I’ll wait, like, three hours to react? ” Dating is a game with ever-changing rules that are universally familiar to us all.

We know to not answer immediately. We know to not follow someone too soon on social media. We ignore people we actually really like for days. We are told not to double blow upa crush. We would never ever actually pick up the phone and call a crush. The list goes on and on.

I, for one, hatethe game. I personally think it is immature, and I’m flat-out over it. I’m over feigning I don’t care. I’m over the insecurities and the power struggles involved in the game. I yearn for simplicity in the dating world.

The topic of video games came up just the other night over dinner with two of my best guy friends. Among the two of them, one is essentially the male version of myself and also despises thegame of dating, while the other is the polar opposite. This friend is someone whoepitomizes the dating game. He runs the display. In fact, he basically holds the rule book. On this night in particular, he was my and my fellow dating rookie’s coach. We sat on the bench( our bar stools) with baited breath, ready to take instruction and quite literally run with it.

While hashing through a dating dilemma, our coach bluntly stated( in a Southern accent ), “Y’all can hate on the game all you want, but it ain’t going anywhere.” His terms struck a nerve in me. The concept of what he said was so simple, yet notruer terms had ever been spoken. I disliked what he said so much because it was the inevitable truth I had been denying my whole dating-game-hating life. That truth is simple. When it comes to dating, play by the rules, or you’re not going to score in any way, shape or form.

Sure, I might be the game’s biggest hater. I can dislike all I want, and I can even band together with a fellow dating game hater. But really, has detesting it ever helped my dating life? Utterly not. Whenever I’ve had a love interest, I’ve operated under an attitude of, “F* ck the game, I’m going to text anyway.” All of these hours, it has never worked out for me and the guy I had my eye on. Every. Single. Time.

If you’re read this and mentally backtracking to the times you thought, F* ck the game and are now realise it didn’t work up for you, cheers to you. I feel you.So, what’s a single-but-hating-the-game chick supposed to do?

Based on the wise men terms of my coach, I feel I have no choice but to suit up and reach the field. The dating game is filled with rules, spin moves and roundabout victories. But if everyone else can handle it, I sure as hell can, too. I may get a few bumps and bruises along the way, but hell, if I can reach that breakaway and finish my game on a high note, I’ll have the wise words of my coach to thank.

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