3 Signs Your Partner Isn’t Cheating, Even Though They’ve Been Distant Lately

9 days ago

I’ve been cheated on in the past, and ever since it happened, I assume that all of my subsequent partners will cheat on me, too. So when my last boyfriend started seeming disinterested in our relationship, I instantly assumed it was because he wanted out or liked someone else. However, I had to remind myself that it was most likely my old baggage building my way into my new relationship with a good man. So I started asking myself, what are signs he’s not cheating, even if he might be remote and withdrawn / refused in the relationship? It’s important to stay grounded, especially when you’re guessing the worst.

When we’re in fear, it’s easy for our intellects to jump to conclusions. It’s not like when there’s commotion in our relationship, we instantly assume the best. Usually, we connect the dots of questions that don’t exist. But we need to take into account other things that are going on in our partners’ lives and learn not to take them personally. Merely because my significant other doesn’t talk a lot at dinner one night, or we don’t have sex for a week, doesn’t mean they don’t like me anymore … probably.

Just to make sure, I asked Susan Winter, relationship expert and best-selling author, the ways to tell your partner is still being faithful, despite potentially being forgetful in your relationship. Because it’s important to differentiate between what’s a real concern in a relationship, and what’s your insecurity talking.

1. You Know Their Morals Are Aligned

I’ve been cheated on in the past, so I tend to bring that fear into all of my relationships. If person doesn’t answer my text within a few hours, then they are definitely cheating! There’s no other plausible excuse, such as work or a personal life issue. But then, I started dating a human who told me flat-out that he had never cheated before and would never cheat on me now or in the future. He was vehemently against it, and it was against his moral code. So I had no choice but to take his term for it.

“There’re lots of guys that have a code of ethics that accompany them into their relationships, ” tells Winter. “They’re simply not cheaters. You have to know who your guy is at his core.”

If you know deep down your partner is someone with a really good head on their shoulders, then it’s best not to jump to conclusions and assume they are cheating.

Winter says to ask yourself, “What are his values? What is his attitude on the importance of trust and loyalty? If these are the principles he holds dear, then it’s unlikely he’d compromise them with you.”

Don’t presume the worst in people, especially people. Instead of jumping instantly to blamed if there is inconvenience in your relationship, try to approach the concern first with empathy and understanding, particularly if your partner is the type of person who deserves it.

2. They Likely Have Another Stressor On Their Mind

nd3 000/ Shutterstock

“In[ a woman’s] world, silence is an indication that something’s wrong. In a man’s world, his stillnes can simply entail he’s decompressing, ” tells Winter.

In my last relationship, it was actually the opposite. I crave a lot of peace and alone time, while my need for quiet actually induced my boyfriend uncomfortable. He took it personally. But in relationships, it’s important not to take responsibility for our partner’s emotions and assume the worst.

“It isn’t always’ about us, ‘” she continues. “We fool ourselves into thinking we’re the centres of our man’s every waking thoughts and emotion. We’re not. He could be distracted by something at work or considering what he’s about to do next.”

Sometimes, you take a bad week at work home with you, or issues with your family are plaguing you and affecting you in the bedroom. It’s important to understand that, as individuals, we have a world that exists outside of the relationship, too. Take that into consideration if your partner seems withdrawn or isn’t devoting their undivided attention at all times.

Don’t presume his mood is about you, and don’t turn it into a number of problems. Picking him apart by insisting that his silence or moodiness is somehow related to you or the relationship is a big mistake, ” Winter adds. “He may not know why he’s quiet or distant. And if you give him a plausible reason (‘ it’s the relationship’ ), he may simply believe you.”

By worrying and conveying our concerns through anxiety, sometimes, we create problems in our relationships that don’t exist. It’s always best to ask questions and communicate openly rather than making assumptions.

3. They Don’t React Negatively If You Tackle Them About Their Behavior

berc/ Fotolia

When you’re lying about something and someone calls you out on it, your normal response is to have a huge reaction. You get upset that they’re even asking you or accusing you of being unfaithful. You’ll get defensive — angry. You’ll make up some longwinded tale to get yourself out of it. On the other hand, though, someone who isn’t cheating will react calmly when asked such a question.

“If you decide to ask him directly, his first reaction is likely to be embarrassment. His response will feel natural in its delivery, ” tells Winter. “This is something that’s come out of nowhere, and he doesn’t have a pre-scripted answer. He’ll have to organize his intellect to take in what you are implying, so he won’t be’ practiced’ at his response.”

So essentially, their answer won’t feeling rehearsed, but instead, it will feel because it is. “A guy who’s cheating will instantly jump to the defensive. He’ll feign righteous outrage, ” she continues. “He’ll protest mightily and act wounded and upset that you’d ever believe such a thing. Then, he’ll do the turn-around and switch to the offensive. He’ll begin attacking you, projecting that this is your remorse, anxiety, or insecurity.”

When it comes to cheating, it’s important not to assume the worst, even if there’s distance in your relationship. People go across things in their personal life, and sometimes, you take it home into your relationship. Don’t take things personally, or generate problems that were likely to not exist. But if you want to get to the bottom of the questions, come to the situation with love and empathy and openly communicate, rather than jumping to anger and accusations. Your relationship will be better off for it.

Check out the “Best of Elite Daily” stream in the Bustle App for more tales just like this !

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9 Things People Wrongly Assume When You’re An Optimistic Person

13 days ago
1. That you’re just nave to how the world runs .

Clearly you merely don’t yet, right? Your cheery disposition means you’re young to how things happen and, in time, you’ll learn the truth. Um, or perhaps you DO know and BECAUSE of that you’ve decided to look at things glass half-full. People will accuse you of wearing rose-colored glass, but perhaps they’re just jealous that they don’t have a pair.

2. That you’ve never experienced loss or trauma .

You just haven’t really been through anything.
-_- Puhleaseeee. Ignore that idiotic bull. You can suffer extreme loss and still maintain a positive attitude. Some people merely do. And it’s never something to feel shamed for. Keep on glistening. We could all use a solid flashlight to wade through the dark.

3. That you’re “faking” it .

No one is like that. You’re just trying to impress someone, or pulling this fakey-nice-nice veil to get away with something else. God forbid you’re just different kinds person who believes in the very best, even if you’ve seen your fair share of the opposite.

4. That you don’t have any real problems .

Some of the strongest people I’ve known aren’t exactly the people you’d assumes have triumphed against terrible odds. The goofy ones. The class jester, looking at silver linings when everyone can only watch clouds. The human spirit of survival seems different for everyone. Maybe this mentality is how they carry onward. Don’t judge.

5. That you’ve never experienced depression .

Everyone gets sad. No one is disputing that. But depression is something most varied. Whether it’s chronic or situational, depression can hit anyone. It doesn’t pick and choose based on how smiley person seems, or if appeared as though they walk around with the weight of the world on their shoulders. Depression doesn’t solely exist in pessimists( you can be a pessimist and never struggle with depression ), and it doesn’t skip over all the optimists. It can hit anyone, any time.

6. Or anxiety .

Same can be said with nervousnes. We all release a little cortisol( the main stress hormone) from time to time. But chronic nervousnes ailments don’t only show up in visibly Woody Allen-level neurotic people. Some people are very talented at covering up what’s really going on inside. You never genuinely know. Unless you know. Ya know?

7. That you’re always happy .

You’re human, so…no. You aren’t always happy. Because you aren’t a weird robot ??? Optimists can( and do) have off-days.

8. That you’ve always got the right thing to say.

Just because you try to stay positive in situations doesn’t mean you aren’t just as lost as everyone else. You love being there for the person or persons you care about, and giving advice when you can, but that doesn’t mean you’ve got words of wisdom for every situation. All you can promise is that you’ll listen and love. And that’s really what matters.

9. That you can’t be logical.

There’s this terrible idea that people who are excited about life, those who look at the world like it’s full of greatness( even if they know the bad shit also exists) are somehow not logical beings. They function based on feeling and feeling merely. Nope. Not true. They are just as intelligent and able to think things through as their “realistic” comrades, they just do so with a said he hoped that things will work out for the very best. And candidly? We all need those individuals in our lives.

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Do alpha males even exist? | Dean Burnett

25 days ago

Dean Burnett: Donald Trump has repeatedly been described as an alpha male, but theres no scientific proof that such a thing even exists in humans

We all know what an alpha male is. An alpha male is a man who takes charge, one who imposes his will on others , not the other way round. Other humen want to be him, girls want to be with him. An alpha male intimidates, hes unquestionably in charge , no matter what the situation. An alpha male is loud, brash, doesnt care what anybody else supposes. An alpha male says what he wants, does what he wants, wears what he wants, as long as those clothes are roomy enough in the trousers to accommodate his gargantuan gonads and dont dissolve in response to all the testosterone constantly leaking from his pores.

Thats members of the general notion, anyway. But the idea that human men can be alpha males is actually far from scientifically accepted. This may come as a surprise, dedicated how common and widespread the notion is. The latest example would be Donald Trump in his presidential debates. People have labelled him an alpha male, Nigel Farage even defended Trumps obscene commentaries about girls as alpha male boasting and compared him to a silverback gorilla, which for those very well known primate anatomy is actually quite an insult. So what, scientifically, is the case for alpha males among humans? As ever, its somewhat complicated.

Programme
Alpha males are supposed to be good with the dames. Photograph: Ron Cohn/ BBC

The origin of the human alpha male

New York Magazine has a very informative and detailed article about this, but the take-home message is that before the 1960 s there were scarcely any examples of humans being described as alpha males, the word was restricted to fields like primatology research. Species like chimps and gorillas do have social structure and hierarchies with a dominant individual at the top, typically a male who has achieved that positon via showings of strength and physical prowess. The fact that alpha males exist isnt disputed, its whether humen can actually be such a thing.

The term started being applied to humans with the publication of Frans de Waals Chimpanzee Politics, which constructed direct comparings between human and chimp behaviour, including the dominant the behavior of males. It became more mainstream when used in the context of Al Gores presidential campaign.

It truly became accepted as something humen should want to be with the success of Neil Strausss The Game, based on lessons he acquired from the Pick Up Artist community. This should trigger alarm bells for many; terms and methods acquired from Pick Up Artist should be treated with extreme scepticism at the very least. But, sex being the powerful motivator that it is, the idea that being an alpha male aimed at improving your life and attain you more successful with women demonstrated unbelievably beguiling, so acceptance and use of the term has now become the norm. But this doesnt mean its valid, just that its common.

Mature
Alpha males expect to get their own route at all times, and often do. Why that happens is another matter. Photo: Alvarez/ Getty Images

The case for the human alpha male

One reason that, despite a lack of concrete evidence, the idea of the human alpha male is so persuasive is that is makes a great deal of intuitive sense. The big, loud, brash guys who swagger and dominate and bully have been part of national societies for as long as its existed, so its nice to have a convenient label for them if nothing else.

Its hard to deny that humans are very susceptible to the process of social dominance; we exist in unequal hierarchies with inferior and superior individuals in almost every context, so its not far-fetched to assume that some humen rise to the top of these hierarchies due to a combination of physical and psychological qualities( such as height, a deep voice, and so on ).

Humans are, for better or worse, very easily influenced by displays of confidence, after all. And by acting confident, men could well find they get their route more often, and thus be compelled to continue. A self-fulfilling prophecy that indicates fake it til you make it is a valid approach to becoming an alpha male, and therefore propagate the idea. After all, girls love a bad boy( perhaps )~ ATAGEND.

Overall, human behaviour has many aspects that, taken together, suggest that alpha males are a real thing.

Contestants
Displays of strength and prowess are common in the wild. They rarely involve oil and posing pouches, though … Photograph: Pornchai Kittiwongsakul/ AFP/ Getty Images

The lawsuit against the human alpha male

The conclusion in the previous section highlights the major problem with the arguments for human alpha males; it focuses on supporting evidence, and dismiss that which contradicts it. Because while human do share a number of features and behaviours with our primate cousins, we are invariably far more complex.

People can belong to different hierarchies, for example; a guy who is the most vocal, dominant person in his amateur football squad might be under the heel of an aggressive boss during his day chore. Is he an alpha male, or not? It depends on context, obviously. Humen have many different social groups and varying roles within them, because were more complex. A universal alpha seems unlikely.

Rather than relying on aggressive dominance, humans are actually far more cooperative and social. Some evidence suggests that our friendliness and sociability is what built us so smart embarking upon, so rather than being the top humen, you could argue that alpha males are something of an evolutionary throwback, the civilizational equivalent of an appendix; no longer employed, simply hangs around and occasionally fills everything with poison.

Supposed human alpha male behaviour also often doesnt match alpha male behaviour in other species. Many non-human alpha males also have a corresponding alpha female who exerts similar high levels of predominance and control, whereas human alpha males invariably have a less respectful attitude towards women, shall we say. Also, the fact that many communities of men( particularly online) are apparently remain convinced that they can all be alpha males is a contradiction in terms; there should only be one alpha male per community, thats sort of the whole phase. The remainder should try and depose him as and when the opportunity presents itself, but until then the objective is, at best, beta males, a word often used as an insult by members of said community with no sense of irony.

Its as if the idea of being an alpha male is very reassuring to those who lack confidence and are frightened by the wider world and people in it, so want to turn the tables.

This may be key. Supposed alpha males may always get their route not because of to some evolved tendency in humen to respect and obey men who showing a specific situated of characteristics, as if people were video games that respond to certain defraud codes, but simply because theyre scary. If a large, shouty man starts bellowing in your face, thats very unsettling, so people may do what he says to stop him from becoming violent, or simply to stimulate him go away. Said man would patently perceive this as evidence for his own superiority.

Maybe the supposed human alpha male is a combination of disgruntled male wish fulfilment and borderline-pseudoscientific justification for resorting to bully, intimidation and generally all-round unpleasant behaviour by humen hoping to impose their will on a world they find too complex and unnerving so revert to their baser instincts to get what they want, despite knowing deep down they dont deserve it and shouldnt have it?

In fairness, alpha male is a lot more succinct.

Dean Burnetts debut volume The Idiot Brain is available now in the UK , USA and Canada .

Read more: www.theguardian.com

I Want To Be Borne With You

30 days ago

This might sound weird, but I merely want to sit in a room and be borne with you. I want to stare at wall-to-wall carpet with you while thinking about hair. I want to drink lukewarm Bigelow tea with you. I want to watch mediocre TV with you and have low-grade headaches with you and feed bowl of overcooked pasta with you. I want to buy store-brand wheat bread with you. I want to start a dialogue about something controversial with you until both of us realize we dont know enough about it so we have to switch to talking about food. I want to trace the grain on an artificial timber tabletop while playing four-letter nouns in Bananagrams.

This will be after the not-bored years. Three vacations to hot, photogenic places. Forty Gchat reactions so strong we see the little foxes. Seven passive-aggressive auto rides, fourteen unintentionally backhanded compliments, five misguided ice-outs. An afternoon when we take our career choices out of our heads and set them on the table and stab them with little sticks and forks. A fight where someone throws a spoon. One night that feels like ten, when we go to a strangers apartment and laugh at their accent wall and stand on opposite sides of their room wailing obscure pasta shapes.

After all thatI want to be bored with you.

Not bored of you. Bored. We can drive a Toyota Camry to a strip mall in Jersey, park outside a Rite Aid and chew the insides of our cheeks. We can stare at a concrete column and listen to a Chilis ad. I can touch my one long eyelash and you can pull your one long eyebrow hair. We should do this when its cloudy.

We can let go of all our affectations and all the things we say at parties. We can let go of funny and exciting and interesting and offensive and microaggressive. We can stop trying to be the versions of ourselves that will get the most dopamine, the versions that have been engineered by and for everyone around us. We can stop auto-transcribing everything that happens between us and filtering it into the Good box or the Bad box. We can stop all the overcommunicating and signaling, we can stop being semaphores for whatever we want to feel.

But we can only be borne after weve been everything else. We can only be borne after weve wanted to fuck each other and kill each other, after weve been monumentally silent and pitifully loud. After weve fallen through the canopy of clever gags and Dimly Lit Honesty and what-do-you-think-about-this-disaster-that-happened-yesterday-in-another-city-another-country-another-another-another. After weve arrived at the gray bedrock of our relationship, which isnt fun or tormented or worth blogging about. After weve walked back and forth fifty days over the same conversational thread and constructed one another crazy with everything weve said and not said.

Have you ever put your lips in neutral mode and let your cheeks kind of fall into their pockets just because? Just because? Have you ever picked wax from your left ear while cirrus clouds fall apart and you breathe trace amounts of diesel fuel?

The best things are bearing. The best moments are bearing. They dont light up a timeline or a desktop background or a dialogue, and no matter how much you try, you probably wont recollect them. They are the temporal equivalent of muscle, and without them youd get nowhere.

The best people are the boring ones, too. They are the human equivalent of marble. They bought a Yankee Candle last week but they havent lighted it yet.

So perhaps if it all is all very well, we can end up in the entrance to a 30 -year-old Rite Aid. Well stand underneath yellow light and look at all the Lemonheads and those little tubes full of what look like smaller M& Ms though they arent M& Ms. Well put our hands in our jacket pockets and walk down aisles of plastic superheroes and lawn chairs.

We can stop at the candles, open one or two, and pick the one that smells most like nothing in particular. Just a vague combination of flowers and fruit.

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8 Things You Need To Know If You’ve Ever Asked “Why Doesn’t She Just Leave? “

1 month, 9 days ago

The question that is always asked of victims of domestic abuse is” Why don’t/ didn’t you just leave ?” I know sometimes even victims don’t really understand why.

I’ve heard that question over and over. While there are many different reasons we dedicate for not lead, there is a” scientific explain” for why it is so difficult to leave an abusive situation. I will explain the cycle of indoctrinating as studied using Psychologist Robert Jay Lifton but will be discussing it as it specifically are related to domestic abuse.

Last year, after years of hiding my abuse from almost everybody I knew, I decided to publicly share my tale. Recently, after my research on brainwashing, I went back to read the tale I had written last year. I was shocked. Each experience I described was the step by step indoctrinating process. What’s even more shocking, is that my abuser was only 15 years old.

I am not a Psychologist, I speak from years of personal experience and from spending time with women who have suffered domestic abuse. When somebody’s only objective is to keep you loyal, they will go to great lengths to achieve it.

This is what the brainwashing process looks like 😛 TAGEND

Stage I- Breaking Down the Self

Step 1- Assault on Identity: When somebody is trying to control another, they begin to assault their sense of ego, their identity. They start to say things that cause the victim to doubt who they are.

” You are a slut .” ” You’re worthless .” ” You are not a good mama .” ” You are ugly , nobody will want you .” “This is your fault.” “,NN,[] You built me do this .”

Hate It Or Love It, You Have To Play ‘The Game’ If You Want The Guy

1 month, 18 days ago

When young singletons brave the dating world, we basically have to amp up, suit up and prepare to take the gridiron. Dating today is a game, and it’s a fierce one at that. You risk get stomped on, sacked and tackled, all for the slight chance you could get a free breakaway to the end zone, ultimately scoring a touchdown( aka, seeing the love of their own lives ).

It is not news to anyone that the dating world is a game. Why else would the common reaction to receiving a text message from a crush be, “I’ll wait, like, three hours to react? ” Dating is a game with ever-changing rules that are universally familiar to us all.

We know to not answer immediately. We know to not follow someone too soon on social media. We ignore people we actually really like for days. We are told not to double blow upa crush. We would never ever actually pick up the phone and call a crush. The list goes on and on.

I, for one, hatethe game. I personally think it is immature, and I’m flat-out over it. I’m over feigning I don’t care. I’m over the insecurities and the power struggles involved in the game. I yearn for simplicity in the dating world.

The topic of video games came up just the other night over dinner with two of my best guy friends. Among the two of them, one is essentially the male version of myself and also despises thegame of dating, while the other is the polar opposite. This friend is someone whoepitomizes the dating game. He runs the display. In fact, he basically holds the rule book. On this night in particular, he was my and my fellow dating rookie’s coach. We sat on the bench( our bar stools) with baited breath, ready to take instruction and quite literally run with it.

While hashing through a dating dilemma, our coach bluntly stated( in a Southern accent ), “Y’all can hate on the game all you want, but it ain’t going anywhere.” His terms struck a nerve in me. The concept of what he said was so simple, yet notruer terms had ever been spoken. I disliked what he said so much because it was the inevitable truth I had been denying my whole dating-game-hating life. That truth is simple. When it comes to dating, play by the rules, or you’re not going to score in any way, shape or form.

Sure, I might be the game’s biggest hater. I can dislike all I want, and I can even band together with a fellow dating game hater. But really, has detesting it ever helped my dating life? Utterly not. Whenever I’ve had a love interest, I’ve operated under an attitude of, “F* ck the game, I’m going to text anyway.” All of these hours, it has never worked out for me and the guy I had my eye on. Every. Single. Time.

If you’re read this and mentally backtracking to the times you thought, F* ck the game and are now realise it didn’t work up for you, cheers to you. I feel you.So, what’s a single-but-hating-the-game chick supposed to do?

Based on the wise men terms of my coach, I feel I have no choice but to suit up and reach the field. The dating game is filled with rules, spin moves and roundabout victories. But if everyone else can handle it, I sure as hell can, too. I may get a few bumps and bruises along the way, but hell, if I can reach that breakaway and finish my game on a high note, I’ll have the wise words of my coach to thank.

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The magic number: how many people have you slept with?

1 month, 21 days ago

From a 40 -year-old virgin to a role-play devotee, real people disclose everything theyve learned between the sheets. Cautioning: adult content


You didnt go all the way unless you were stupid, because it would ruin your life

Jane, 81, three partners

My grandmother was a Victorian and wouldnt mention the lavatory. For her, sexuality would have been something a woman suffered rather than enjoyed.

Coming to London in 1955 was a revelation. My friend and I shared a flat with three chaps. This was unheard of at the time, but by gosh we had fun. There was a bath in the kitchen and, if you didnt want to miss the party, people could hand you a drink through the curtain.

But Id never go all the way. You couldnt enjoy sexuality to that extent, because youd be afraid of losing control. We had no contraception. You didnt go further unless you were stupid, because it would ruin your life. Even when you were married, you were holding back, in case you got pregnant again. That destroyed a lot of the pleasure for women. The greatest liberation was the contraceptive pill. That changed everyones attitude to sex.

I marriage at 24 and had two children, but I used to wish I could have sex just for the sake of it. Im divorced now and, a couple of years back, a male acquaintance asked, Are you still active? And I supposed, whats he on about? My arms and legs still run. I can walk about. Then I realised it was a euphemism for sexually active. When I told my grandson, he burst out chuckling. Hed have to be fairly damned gorgeous, but I dont guess I could now. A man of my age would expect me to cook his food. I cant be bothered with that.

I went on Grindr when I was 16, and I was frightened

Paul, 20, three partners

When I was really young, I imagined myself being with a woman, because that was the norm. Growing up and used to identify I was gay changed everything.

At my age, a lot of gay men are quite sleazy. Straight men are likely the same. People sleep around, and its not my scene, so finding a long-term partner can be difficult. I recollect going on Grindr when I was 16, and I was terrified because older humen started sending me photos. I was like: what are you doing? Youre 40. Is that OK? That 40 -year-old humen can approach 16 -year-olds?

Its very easy for lesbian men to find sex. If I wanted to have sex tonight, I could probably find someone, but I wouldnt feel the connection. I could go on Grindr, chat person up and invite them round, but I dont like the idea of inviting a stranger into my house.

I miss people actually talking to each other, instead of being online. You ensure 90 s Tv programmes where people go up to someone in a bar and say, Hi, can I get your number? And I think, that would never, ever happen these days.

Ive not been in that situation yet, but I think sex is likely best when youre in a relationship, because youre more comfy around one another. When you dont know person, you always think, Oh God, is this OK? Am I doing this right? Especially if theyre more experienced than you. Ive slept with guys whove had more experience and guys whove had less, and you can tell the difference, so I always wonder: can they tell that about me?

There are lots of things that are way more pleasurable than penetration

Matt, 28, more than 25 partners

The sex we see in the media is one-dimensional. Its nearly always penetrative, and that might be how you construct babies, but its not the best style to induce your partner climax. I had an illness when I was a child, which meant I lost one of my legs. Disabled people have a blessing in a manner that is, because they learn that there are lots of other things that you can do that are style more pleasurable.

I discovered that confidence is a trick when I was at university. Its a style of holding your head up and faking it, because women dont actually care how you seem. But I also realised that the best thing I could do was to learn how to induce women genuinely enjoy themselves. So much of sex education is not based on female pleasure at all. A lot of men have a narrative in their head about how sex should play out, which objective up prohibiting genuine experimentation. Some humen get intimidated by a woman who is sexually empowered or open because its not what they were taught was meant to happen.

Photograph: Liz McBurney

I insure sexuality as play. If you havent got many hangups, when youre in that room and you close the door, its a space to do what youre interested in. I think some humen are intimidated by sex playthings because they induce them feel like theyre not been enough, but its merely another set of tools with which we can give our partners pleasure.

Im at a stage in my life now where, because of my disability, Im not always be permitted to do things as much as I would like to. But my partner is disabled as well, and there is never any pressure. We flirt and tease one another every day. Weve constantly get that flame being lit, and the most important thing is to make sure it doesnt go out.

When I was in my 30 s, my partner and I set up a role-play group

Christopher, 64, about 50 partners

I had BDSM interests from the age of eight, and a very full fantasy life in my head, but I didnt have sex until I was in my early 20 s, with another virgin. I took to it like a duck to water. I remember trying to establish with my doctor why my back was so messed up when I was at university, and realising Id built love 22 hours over the weekend with my first girlfriend. If I did it 22 times a year now, Id be lucky.

I am hetero-flexible. I respond sexually to girls, transvestites and transsexuals, as long as theyre garmented as girls. As soon as they put on men clothes, its not working for me.

I detected this back in 1987. I was in my 30 s when my live-in partner and I set up a role-play group. This was pre-internet, so we set an advert in a publication, and a lot of people joined, including trans girls. Its always been my attitude to be accepting of people.

In the end, its the cuddle and the spooning that are important. Sex is great, and Ive had one-night stands, but its empty as an experience. I opt the sex I have now to be part of a relationship, although nobody gets me exclusively any more.

Im on holiday with three girls at the moment. One is a former fan, one is current and one will be a fan in the future. We all know that. Nothing will happen behind anyones back, but neither does anyone have to know the full details. So thats what Im doing now, and I dont know what it constructs me, but I am instead enjoying it.

If I have an orgasm, I use it as time to focus on what I want to achieve, professionally or personally

Hattie, 41, five to 10 partners

Even if youre not in the mood for it, I think its good to have sex regularly, because it gets you out of a funk. It doesnt have to be a marathon. Theres a pressure around having great sex all the time, and get the doll out or doing the massage, but quickies can be great, too.

I have a little ritual around sex. If I have an orgasm, I use it as time to focus on what I want to achieve, professionally or personally, because its an empowering position to be in. Youre relaxed and positive, so putting out that vibe is a way of doing something with that energy.

My first teenage tries at sexuality were not promising. My confidence was low. I didnt have much of a drive and it all seemed a little bit painful and not a lot of fun. I didnt feel feminine and sensual in my 20 s at all. That came afterwards for me. I feel much more able to express myself now than I did when I was younger.

I think theres a tendency to put pressure on our partners to be everything: emotional and physical subsistence, great sexuality: its too much, particularly when children come along. Thats when my relationship broke down with my daughters dad.

My current relationship is genuinely positive. One thing I have learned is to maintain my privacy and not tell my partner everything. Not that Im being deceitful, but having bounds whether thats physical space or not oversharing is a good thing, because there needs to be a little bit of mystery there, too.

My most freeing experiences are usually around BDSM, inducing yourself with wax play, bondage, being blindfolded or spanked. Its that balance between being submissive and a feminist that I love. Its really nice to have person take control for a little while. It doesnt mean they take control in the rest of our life together. At the end of the working day, its merely an act.

Photograph: Liz McBurney for the Guardian

Ive had a few flings with girls, and detected Im probably not a lesbian

Samantha, 39, 20 to 40 partners

My mum was quite sexually aware and sassy. That was a positive influence. I wasnt made to think sexuality was bad or shameful, “its just” part of life. My parents kept it fresh. I received a pouch of naughty clothes in their wardrobe once, and I could never look at them the same route after that. They never let the trigger disappear. Even though there was a lot of screaming and slamming doorways, everyone elses mothers got divorced except mine.

There is the stuff Id instead forget( the dates where youre not that into it but end up drunkenly sleeping with them anyway ), but the things you think youll regret, you dont. Ive had a few flings with daughters. I learned Im likely not a lesbian, but I detected a lot about myself in the process.

Ive been with my partner for 10 years now. Its not the same as the early days, when you cant keep your hands off one another. We work at preserving the intimacy and excitement, because you dont want to get to the point where you know your partners next move, but we are still attracted to each other. I appreciate the fact that weve not done everything and there are adventures still to be had.

I still suppose Im the best person on earth for dedicating myself an orgasm; I guess men would say that, too. Girls need to get their boulders off in whatever way works best for them. Its important not to subsume your desires and needs for someone elses, because sexuality is so much better when a woman is genuinely enjoying herself.

The internet allowed me to be a lot more upfront about my intentions

Tom, 49, more than 100 partners

Even though a lot of guys talk lavishly about sexuality, I dont guess a lot of them care about it as much as they make out. Ive been having sex for 33 years, and it has always been of upmost importance.

I aimed up getting my first girlfriend pregnant when I was 17 and marriage her, so for the first six years I was having sex with only person or persons. After we divorced, I began to sleep with more girls. There was no internet back then, so it was asking for girls numbers in saloon. But I was an early user once the internet get started. It allowed me to be a lot more upfront about my intentions.

In my 20 s and 30 s, there was a clash between my need to experimentation and the recommend to be in a relationship. If I gratified someone I was very sexually into, Id mistake that for real feelings, dive in and it would all go wrong. It started to feel quite corrosive.

Ive been in a comparatively open relationship for the last eight years. Were together, but we can play with other people if we want to. Theres no lying involved, and that completely changes the dynamic. In past relationships, Id had affairs that felt like a big secret, but not now. Any participation is with my partners knowledge, and Im upfront about that with the women I meet. For some, that attains it instantly less appealing. Ive been in genuinely passionate flirtings that fizzle out the moment they realise Im not cheating.

My sex drive has started to diminish, but its a bit of a relief. I often is considered that if I was celibate, Id be a millionaire, because the time Ive expended pursuing women could have been spent on my career.

For two days after I sleep with someone, I dont trust my feelings. I call it the sexuality haze

Sadie, 25, undisclosed

This year has been my big sex awakening. My friends take the piss out of me: Sadies got that look in her eye. Watch out, men! At the same day, I have an old-fashioned shame thing when it comes to approaching men. I dont like that, but I think its quite emblematic of where women and men are at. No ones really sure what femininity means any more, and men dont know what masculinity stands for, either.

I was destroyed after my breakup and went online to remember how to interact with guys. Wed been together three years, and theres something wonderful about having sex encounters with people you really dont know, but its stressful as well. Online dating leaves a road of digital events to agonise over, depending on how emotionally vulnerable you feel. Like: Hes on Facebook now, so why isnt he getting back to me? Its a horror. And the very nature of the swipe interface on Tinder constructs the whole thing feel so disposable.

The only way Ive managed to deal with it is to set a framework in place you have to be able to protect yourself. Im methodical and rational about it now. I heard somewhere that women are predisposed to develop strong emotional ties with the person or persons they have sex with, especially if its great sexuality, so for two days after I sleep with someone, I actively dont trust my impressions. I call it being in the sexuality haze.

My allergy to relationships has passed now. Its been a year since we split. Im not as hungry as I was for new experiences. My ex had a looking that merely certain boys are capable of devoting: its about love, and who you are, and wanting you because of that, and thats really hot. I want to fall in love with a really sexy human who loves me. Is that too much to ask?

Photograph: Liz McBurney

Theres a simple sense of playfulness that get lost in adult sexuality

Sarah, 57, more than 1,000 partners

I had a breakdown at 13. I had a difficult household background and ended up in a psychotherapists office and then hospital. There was a lot of acting out and I lost my virginity shortly afterwards. I was interested in sexuality, but I had no appreciation of myself and I got a reputation for being easy without actually understanding how that had happened. I developed cravings, and as soon as my education was over, I left home. I fell into the gay women freeing movement, and for the next 25 years I identified as a lesbian.

As my addictions took over, I ended up in the sex business, and on my 30 th birthday I observed myself in rehab, having been charged with solicitation. I was so full of traumatic, undigested sexual experiences from the street; if I ever had a sexual feeling, Id shut it down.

Then, 10 years ago, I had a moment of clarity that I wanted to explore my sexuality with humen again. Being a lesbian had felt like part of who I was, so it was strange to grapple with the idea that it wasnt really true any more. One of the things I love about sex with women is that it can be so endless and full of possibilities. It doesnt have a clear start or a finish. But lesbian sexuality can at times feel labour-intensive in a way that sexuality with men doesnt.

I decided to start an erotic massage practise for men, and Ive became aware that Im much better at devoting pleasure than receiving it. Its erotic for me. Its a pleasure to give pleasure. Im moved and sometimes saddened by how much loneliness and longing I find in my naked men, but I also find a lot of what I call libidinal elation a simple sense of playfulness that I think get lost in adult sexuality as people struggle to hold partnerships together. That kind of play requires vulnerability, and an enormous currency in any relationship.

I was a 40 -year-old virgin when we marriage. I never sowed my wild oats

Terry, 67, one partner

Right from the start, I was sensitive and a little bit of a nerd. I recollect my mothers friends commenting that I looked like a little professor, and I was. At 26, the pressure and stress were getting to me. I tried online dating bureaux with no success. I was simply not equipped to get along with women. I spiralled into alcoholism and eventual recovery.

I met my spouse towards the end of my heavy-drinking period, and we pretty much clicked instantaneously. Our marriage has lasted 25 years, and its been solid throughout; we get on well and love each other deep. But weve had our challenges over the years with sex. I was a 40 -year-old virgin when we marriage and shed had sexuality only once before: at 21, consensual but traumatic, at a party.

She had been imbued with the idea of a womans duty or Lie back and think of England. Sex was invariably initiated by me and, at around 46, my wifes interest waned. The menopause came and ran, her libido dropped away and our sexual encounters stopped. We are physically affectionate and greatly attached, but I miss sex and that moment of communion. I masturbate most days, mainly to the kind of internet porn that demonstrates real couples or homemade stuff, but I miss body contact.

Photograph: Liz McBurney for the Guardian

I have developed a yearning for what is highly improbable: that I can take up with a young woman for casual pleasure without commitment. I have discussed this with my wife, who has not expressed aggression to the idea; she said she just wouldnt want to know the details. The last thing I want is to hurt her. Many of my friends confess to me the infidelities that theyve kept secret, and I simply cant comprehend such a thing. It would be agony. But I never sowed my wild oats, you watch, and I regret that. Is it too late to make up for that somehow?

I remember driving across township to have sex with a stranger

Jonathan, 50, 40 partners

Im definitely a one-to-one guy. Im not into sleeping around. For me, a big part of sexuality is getting to know someone. The more you feel that sense of commitment, that locking in of trust, the more playful and expressive you are able to be.

Im not in a relationship at the moment, but I can remember periods when Ive had to stop the car to have sex with a girlfriend on the way to Brighton, and its firm commitment that has enabled me to be mischievous and expressive like that.

The truly great moments? The first time is up there, because it felt significant and I felt really loved. I was 17. If there is such a thing as a top 10, Id include those moments in a relationship when you wake up in the night impression horny and have to have sex. Also, I recollect chatting to someone online when the internet was still a novelty and driving across town to have sex. I didnt well known and I didnt assure her again, but it was thrilling.

There have been all sorts of times, in tents or up mountains, but great sex has always been when Im in tune with person. I dont find uncertainty thrilling; I find it a pain in the arse.

I had a very experienced lover. I wasnt in love: he was just the facilitator of my fantasies

Rachel, 55, a few hundred partners

Generally, I feel a little bit flat. The ups and downs you get when you have periods are all gone. But its not as if Im thinking, I wish Id had more group sexuality or I wish Id shagged 100 more people. Because I did more in 10 years than most people have done in their entire lives.

I think there is a surge of hormones in your early 40 s perhaps your body is trying to fulfil its destiny because I felt up for it all the time. I was divorced, Id had my children and I was involved with a man who was a very experienced lover. I would tell him what was going through my head and he would make it happen. I wasnt committed to him, I wasnt in love. It was just: You are the facilitator of my fantasies. I wouldnt even know what was happening half the time, because there were so many different sensations going on in my body. It was quite spiritual, in a weird sort of way.

Women in their 40 s are dangerous. Theyre nuts. The great thing is that you have the mental capacity to switch off all the drama that you had in your 20 s Does he love me? Does he not love me? In your 40 s, youre like, I definitely do not love him but, by God, hes a good shag.

I think, for women, desire happens in the brain. This is something I am constantly telling my current partner. Weve been together three years and he doesnt get it. It amazes me that no matter how intelligent guys are, they simply do not appears to get that if you dont do certain things, youre not going to come. I think there must be a lot of women who fake it, because how else have men come to the conclusion theyre all so amazing?

The intellect is an erogenous zone. It doesnt have to be intercourse

Angela, 61, one partner

I have been married for 38 years and my husband is the only sexual partner Ive had. For the last 10 years, our marriage had lacked intimacy. It wasnt that we were unhappy, it just happened as it does to lots of people: intimacy, failure to communicate, the omnipresence of children.

Just over a year ago, when I was feeling particularly sad and frustrated about this, my husband reached out to me in bed. I think he simply touched me. It was as simple as that, but it was as if a floodgate had opened. It was like a thin wall had been there, so thin you could put your thumb through it, and thats all it took for someone to break it. Theres been no looking back since then, and sex is a wonderful part of our lives now.

Im sure it was exciting and lovely when we were younger, but I think it was probably more goal-oriented, and it isnt now thats a huge difference. Now its more about is available on the moment. The whole body can be an erogenous zone. The intellect is an erogenous zone. It doesnt have to be intercourse. Thats a tiny part of it for us. This is the greatest day of my life, sexually. Everything feels very heightened and real.

My husband said he didnt know how interested in sexuality I was, and he delights in it now. And because Ive become more open and able to express myself, he has as well. You guess, why didnt I say this a long time ago? Because it wasnt hard in the end. But theres no judgment or impression of disapproval or shock or anything. Its all just wonderful.

Whats your number? Tell us about your experiences anonymously.

Read more: www.theguardian.com

Burger King Instagram remarks help catch an unfaithful boyfriend

2 months, 3 days ago

Thanks to social media, secrets have no place to hide.

One unfortunate boyfriend received this out after he made what he thought was an innocuous comment on a Burger King Instagram photo.

He felt the need to share the story of his drive-through experience with his “girl” to the wide world of Instagram. He likely didn’t think that anyone he knew would insure his comment among the hundreds that pepper Burger King’s Instagram.

But lo and behold, person did see it.

Image: instagram

Instagrammer shanlee_rose then proceeded to tag some of her girlfriends in the post, so she could get some backup on the issue.

Image: instagram

“F ** king knew it, ” one of her friends commiserated.

“I told you I considered him with a girl, ” the other concurred. All evidence pointed to the inevitable fact that this guy was about to get roasted alive in Burger King’s Instagram commentaries, of all places.

But the boyfriend wasn’t going to go down without defending himself first.

Image: instagram

Image: instagram

Absolutely savage.

So, with Valentine’s Day fast approaching, we’d just like to remind you to not be stupid on social media. Because relationships can be made and broken anywhere.

Image: instagram

Even on Burger King’s Instagram.

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Lost for words? A new app writes witty texts so you don’t have to

2 months, 17 days ago

Now you can crowdsource the funniest possible responses to messages youve received. Its basically Cyrano de Bergerapp

If you suffer from a lacklustre text life, help is at hand. Nattr, a new app that has been getting a lot of chatter, lets you crowdsource clever responses to text messages usually texts from people you want to have sexts with. Back in the olden days, people used to send screenshots of conversations to their friends and, in a panic, ask: What should I say? Thanks to technological innovation, todays young can ask random people on the internet for semantic supporting via what is basically Cyrano de Bergerapp.

When I say todays young, I entail YOUNG. Im 32 ie doubled persons under the age of most Nattr users. Asking teens for advice on my lexical love life constructed me feel like a creepy weirdo. I also worried that all my replies would read: Go home, mum, so I experimented with changing my age to 25.

As well as other Nattr users, you can ask your phonebook for responses; your contacts are informed of your dilemma via an anonymous text. So, my dentist may have received a message that said: Natalie says shes not sure if we have textual chemistry, how should I react? If he did, he didnt write back.

The apps special sauce, however, is its ability to deliver reactions crafted by Nattrs team of handpicked writers and comedians, identifiable by a superstar on their avatar. If you arent a handpicked member, you can earn a superstar by amassing likes.

One Nattrati member, standup comedian Leah Knauer, will handcraft responds. A recent question she tackled was: How can I ask an American girl out in a way that she will find witty? Her respond: If shes blond: You look like youre made of angel-hair pasta and some sort of powdered gold. I know that sounds weird, but I mean it in a good way.

Nattr is free to use, but you have to buy charms to view responses from starred users such as Leah. For $3.99( about 2.80 ), you get 500 charms; unlocking or requesting a response from a writer/ comedian costs 300 charms. This is a clever business move. A locked answer teases you with potential: perhaps this pun will be the one; perhaps this reply will persuade Natalie that, actually, Im exceedingly funny, but most of my gags go over her head.

So, whats the verdict? Will Nattr up your text game? A few people have told me they found it useful. However, if youre over 30, Nattr may simply leave you feeling oldr and not much wisr.

Read more: www.theguardian.com

7 Happy Couples That Detested Each Other At First Explain What Changed Their Intellects

2 months, 24 days ago

1. The Girl Who Fell For Her Arch Enemy

” I fulfilled my boyfriend our Freshman year in high school. We were both politically active and, of course, he was a conservative and I was a liberal. I resulted protests and a few on campus processions in support of a number of liberal issues. We basically detested each other, used to talk shit about each other, really demonized each other and the funny was that neither of us were particularly extreme. We were both nice to’ the other side’ on campus. It was just he and I that had all this animosity.

And it probably would have continued like that all four years if we hadn’t randomly ended up sitting on a couch together at a party on election night in 2012. He struck up a conversation which I now actually believe to be brave of him and I realized that he was really funny and not at all the angry dude I thought he’d be.

Yeah, so we made out that night, dated afterwards, and got married two years ago. I know, it’s ridiculous .”

2. The Guy Who Fell For His Little Sister’s Bestie

” My girlfriend isbest friends with my sister and the only hours I used to see her was when she and my sis were drinking and so I had this impression of her as’ the most riling girl in the world ‘. It didn’t help that I also guessed she was hot so in my head it was like’ she’s so pretty but also such an idiot.’

I supposed this way about her for literally three years until my sister invited me to run watch the new Star Wars with them. I ran and discovered that she wasn’t annoying at all. She was just an riling drunk…just like everyone else.

Anyway, I hung out with her and my sister a few more hours before I asked her out. Her number one complaintshe confessed about me was, you guessed it, that I was vexing and overbearing when I was drinking.

So I guess we’re the same person, lol .”

3. The Girl Who Gave A Nervous Guy A Second Shot

” I supposed my boyfriend was a total big talking imbecile when I first met him through a friend. We went on one date and he spoke about himself the entire time and I was sure he was a wholly self centered jackass. I ended the date early and told my friend there wouldn’t be another one. She prayed me to give him one more shooting, said she’d known him since they were kids and that he had a big heart.

So, I devoted in and he just came clean to me on our second date that he’d been really nervous and wanted to come across confident. After that the second date was truly relaxed and we expended the whole evening laugh and smiling. Actually, the best date I’d ever been on. We’ve been dating over a year now and I couldn’t be happier. Don’t know what would have happened if I hadn’t dedicated him another shoot and he hadn’t been honest with me .”

4. The Competitive Assholes Who Couldn’t Ignore The Sexual Tension

” My spouse and I each other and I entail disliked one another when we first met. We’re both competitive and for some reason a really small discrepancy about religion one night at the bar with our mutual friends turned into this long standing grudge. Like, our friends didn’t know if they should invite both of us out with them at the same day or not.

But they did, and we continued to fight until her best friend literally told us to get a room one night. It’s weird but up until that phase I hadn’t noticed that there really was this sexual tension going on between us. We made out in this super sloppy drunk way later that night and abruptly we didn’t fight anymore and were nice to one another.

Men and women are weird. Love is even weirder .”

5. The Guy Who Was So Nervous He Couldn’t Shut Up

” My now husband is a doctor and he was a doctor when we satisfied on our first date. I also thought he was a crazy person because he showed me a picture of a brain scan of one of his patients and “was talkin about a” the difficulty in doing a biopsy on brain cancers.

I literally thought he might be a murderer because who wants to look at cancerous brains during dinner? He followed up with a really strong text game though and I found myself agreeing to go out with him again despite having serious reservations about his social skills.

It turns out he only freaked when I asked about his chore and instead of only giving me a little information he felt like he had to give me ALL the information. The second date was great after that. I think sometimes we’re all too hard on one another on first dates. Unless they’re mean to you or you aren’t attractive I think it’s almost always worth another shot .”

6. Stealing Your Best Friend’s Crush

” My narrative is a little strange. My current boyfriend who I love very much was originally a crush of one of my best friends. She was and sadly still is the kind of girl who simply can’t stop falling for guys who are assholes and will always be assholes. As a outcome, when she fell for my boyfriend I assumed he was also an asshole even though he wasn’t into her. I used to talk him down to her and tried to steer her towards people I thought would be good to her and I frankly simply detested him by default.

Fast forward a year and I fulfill him for likely the third time in a totally different context and we end up having to talk to each other and I discover that he’s a really great and sensitive guy and super smart. We started dating and that was a little awkward with my friend at first but she was already with someone else by then so it was hard for her to complain .”

7. The Snobby Girl Who Won His Heart

” I thought my spouse was a pretentious snob when we first gratified because she talked to literally no one the first night I gratified her. A mutual friend of ours had asked her to come out with the whole group and she basically just nodded yes or no all night. She also had a really great education and so I figured she was just uncomfortable being around non-academic types.

Nope, turns out she’s just shy and truly wanted to get into the evening and have fun but was too nervous to do it. She’s gotten a lot less shy over the years we’ve been together but people still sometimes think she’s snotty which induces me sad because she’s actually the complete opposite .”

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