10 Sex Illustrations You Won’t Believe Are On Wikipedia
10 days ago
The Internet contains so many ways to stumble across sex that we need special tools not to find it. Without SafeSearch even the most innocent Google inquiry can become obscenely biological. But there are sites out there, like Wikipedia, that want to both house all the knowledge in the world and stay SFW. This leaves them with the awkward task of finding pictures for sex acts that look more encyclopedic than pornographic, which may explain why Wikimedia contributors often decide to draw their own. But it doesn’t explain why they’re so hilariously awful. There are more biologically accurate pictures of Sonic the Hedgehog screwing BB-8. Brace yourself to behold the worst entries (in some cases literally) from Wikimedia’s sex drawings.
Be warned: All links on this page are really, ridiculously NSFW.
This is more artistry focused on a genetic dead end than a gallery of castrati portraits.
The only other “auto” to twist itself that hard for fun is an Autobot.
The subtle details of this picture raise more questions than they answer. Why is this guy still wearing his glasses, for one thing? NOBODY’s eyesight is that bad. And what about those sandals? They’ve been given more attention than his elbow and knee joints. Though, to be fair, he’s got to have destroyed most of those joints to get this far. It just seems strange that someone short-circuiting everything human biology has ever learned about sex would be so worried about foot protection.
The picture’s caption captures more pathos than a collection of Peanuts strips sucked into a black hole: “Looks like 69 position from some angles, but minus one participant.” As if the complete absence of a partner was only a minor technical variation from the 69.
Whatever answers one can gather from this work, “1st slagman” clearly found them, disappearing after uploading these and only these images to Wikipedia. What happened? We examine the autofellating clues. He’s cunningly worked out how to swallow any forensic evidence, but behold the pictures:
The increasingly unlikely series of positions forces us to conclude that this man has somehow twisted himself into a singularity.
#9. Phone Sex
An online picture for phone sex defeats the point on more levels than Mario with a jetpack. A picture might be worth a thousand words, but these days a phone line means you almost certainly have an Internet connection, and that means you have access to infinite images of real sex. Or, if you’re specifically into audio encouragement, you don’t want a picture at all. Besides, a second-party drawing a doodle for third-parties about a fourth-party getting off while talking to a fifth-party puts more layers between you and sex than using one of those Russian nesting dolls as a condom.
None of that will have prepared you for this picture:
The sheer innocent joy of the picture means it has to be criminal. Especially since it appears on the Norwegian Wikipedia page for “Telefoonseks,” which just sounds like an appallingly precocious educational cartoon. The inherent happiness almost distracts you from the conversation: That guy is talking about having big tits while rubbing his belly invitingly. So he’s either involved in very progressive roleplay, or catfishing the hell out of some poor jerk(er).
Before the Internet, artists still made statements about sex and exploitation through other media. For example, Manet captured the world-weariness of a fallen woman in “A Bar At The Folies-Bergere.”
Have some culture before tackling the rest of this article.
The oranges represent the fact that the girl behind the counter is a prostitute and just as available for sale as the champagne she is serving. It is only a matter of time before she has to copulate with a man who means nothing to her.
But Manet’s masterpiece of oil on canvas has nothing on “Cumfac_01.png.” Maybe because he couldn’t explicitly get a cock in there.
“Why is this?” -Manet
Image files are meant to store mere kilobytes of graphical information, not all the tragedy and horror contained within the human spirit.
The dead look in the woman’s eyes elevates this image further by making you aware that you clicked this far specifically to see it instead of anything else ever created by humanity. Meanwhile, the sheer horror of being involved has apparently transformed the sperm into wallpaper paste. Maybe because anyone who can ejaculate while looking at this really should glue shut any orifice they’re allowed into to remove the risk of reproduction.
#7. Excited Blowjob
Wikipedia is meant to be a reference guide edited by experts, not the Web-based version of an 11-year-old desperately proving that they do so know what “sex” means by scribbling on their notebook in the back of class. Because when that happens, you get this:
We’re fairly sure that doesn’t need to be pixelated.
Witness the daring lack of line work suggesting that the penis is actually ejaculating her lips onto her face, combining appalling body-horror with exquisite aim. The disintegrating breast would be reminiscent of Picasso, if the whole thing wasn’t so unbelievably wrong.
This isn’t a contribution to the repository of human knowledge. This is someone who had tracing paper and five seconds access to a porno magazine. Quickly drawing your own dirty pictures might have made sense 20 years ago, back when somebody with a computer couldn’t see infinite blowjobs the instant they decided to do so. If this was traced from a real image, by someone who then deleted the photo, that means this picture is so bad it actively destroyed information about blowjobs.
#6. Impossible Male Masturbation
“M.C. Escher-bation” might seem like an appallingly painful and self-indulgent portmanteau, until you look at the act I am using it to describe:
“To come where no man has come before!”
That poor guy is breaking his knees on axes our universe doesn’t even have. I am sure at some point we’ve all gone to great lengths to get off, but those lengths were always measurable in Euclidean space. This guy is jacking off in a hellscape without any shadows to hide him, or help us work out the angle of that shelf he’s semi-squatting on. Either he’s knocking one out in Limbo or this is a tightrope walker with such bad sex addiction that he can’t even wait until he gets to the other side.
The demented determination to masturbate across all possible boundaries also captures the spirit of the artist. That’s because “Brallion~commonswiki” submitted this image to the Wikimedia “masturbation talk” page, which makes the Necronomicon Ex-Mortis look like Baby’s First ABC. It’s where Wikipedia editors have re-created most of the major religious schisms of history in one onanistic online argument. Some decried real pictures as lacking scientific merit. Others said the Internet didn’t need more masturbation material. One proposed possible Kantian a posteriori arguments against masturbation, as if the only posterior involved in masturbation shouldn’t be dat ass.
Alas, with such insane forces arrayed against him, even our 11-dimensional masturbator could not come through. He still lives on as a grim observer on the talk page, busily trying to distract himself from the madness the only way he knows how.
#5. Nipple Artifacts
Great artists sometimes talk about subjects simply leaping onto the page, ethereal visions of such urgent beauty that the artist is only a conduit to creation. Obviously, they’re lying. Art is really hard to do well. Especially when other parts of your body are also hard, as was clearly the case here. The artist — no, the creator — nope, the, uh, party responsible decided a woman licking another woman’s nipple was the best thing ever and simply couldn’t wait to create.
We’d rather pixelate this whole monstrosity, honestly.
No time to calm down! No time to learn how to draw! No time to tidy up all the telltale MS Paint mistakes that make the picture look like it’s been lightly dusted in sugar. He had a vision of a woman who suffered a serious head injury just behind her hairline working her way down a viciously taloned Bride of Frankenstein in fishnet stockings, and the world needed it to exist ASAP. Also, you can’t see it because of the pixelation (lucky you), but she thoughtfully used her own eyeshadow and neon pink lipstick to mark the location of her nipple on the melted mess of her chest.
#4. Bukkake Friends
The last time we looked into this abyss, Cyriaque struggled to comprehend the artwork of “seedfeeder.” But that artist had so many more seeds to feed. Almost literally, in this case.
Her happy place is on the opposite side of the universe.
The best thing about this picture, “best” being an adjective I’ve now destroyed, along with the word “picture,” is how all the men have considerately arranged themselves to one side, sitcom-style, so that the audience can see what’s going on. Which is strangely out of character because consideration for others is not a defining trait of bukkake gangs. Though they’re more diverse than most popular sitcoms. Not that I would know.
More disturbing is how the artist has somehow gifted the woman with an understanding of her situation. She could have been drawn in a magical fantasy land where the rain of man-juice is an enjoyable experience. But no. She knows where she is. She’s not just ground zero of a gentleman juicing; she knows she’s doing it for free on an allegedly educational website.
#3. A Facial Proposal
Of all the sex acts that don’t need a diagram, the facial has to be the most obvious. Anyone who can’t work it out after hearing the word is an alien trying to trick you into revealing the secrets of this hu-man thing called “pornography.” The only diagram you need for facials is one with red areas over the eyes, nostrils, and hair saying “DON’T BE A DICK WITH YOUR DICK.”
“Oh, dear, OF COURSE I’ll be your manly-milk sponge!”
Unlike the earlier facial artist, seedfeeder has gone all-in on the pleasure with the woman here, in more ways than one. She looks like he’s just proposed instead of popping all over her. Which in fairness may be the last original wedding proposal mechanism left in the world, complete with a cunning role-reversal of who’s kneeling. She’s even got tears in her eyes, though that’s more because of his aim than his intent.
#2. Repeated War-Hole
After a while any artist will try to start challenging themselves. They have to move beyond their own comfort zone, and when your early works involved fisting and finger-pulping double-penetration that can be a challenge. So what did seedfeeder do? Try a new perspective? Go on a retreat? Draw something that wasn’t explicitly pornographic? No, they moved on to mixed-media, a porno-pop-art project drawing the same thing with different fill effects.
“DAS AYNYAL” ($58.99, some assembly required)
The first is a bold flat-color effect, as if someone colored instructions from IKEA. (And, like trying to put together a bookshelf, these instructions also look simple but can involve an awful lot of fiddling and cursing to actually complete).
After this the only place to go is the theoretical “B-nal.”
The second is a daring extension into the third dimension. The same sexual lines (and the artist goes to great lengths to make sure they are sexual but definitely not sexy) are thinned, while the color advances through thick bands of flesh tone. Almost as if old 16-bit consoles really were trying to corrupt children the way parents thought.
Also, you are missing out on seedfeeder’s attention to detail in the new image with the slight reddening of her ring because of our pixelation, which has made the resulting flowing-together digital sex-slurry infinitely more horrifying. Sorry.
#1. All Peoples Coming Together
Thank the dear god Qetesh, finally one where the woman is enjoying herself. And you’d want to be enjoying yourself to become the organic engine block for a pork piston two-stroke engine.
Try to ignore the DECAPITATION NECROPHILIA.
The top guy is so devoted to her pleasure he’s pounded his own hand to jelly and is still bracing himself with the floppy flesh-sausages to help her reach orgasm. We’re getting a clearer view inside the artist than the woman, though: Most of these diagrammatic damsels are undecorated, but double penetration lady is suddenly wearing earrings and lipstick. Seedfeeder is clearly working through a few internalized stereotypes as well as X-rated acts.
It’s worth noting this explicit portrayal of multi-penis intercourse has better diversity and gender ratios than both Marvel and DC movie universes. Though, ironically, not better than the DP movie. Something we’re sure he’d enjoy.
You’re likely aware of the outbreak of fake news devouring our media. But there’s something better insidious going on, where outlets will take a fact that is true, but present it in a context that spreads false information. And there’s an absolute pandemic of media outlets doing just that.
These instances are just from the past six months.
Where To Get The Best Iced Coffee You’ll Ever Drink
22 days ago
Betches have sworn by iced coffee forever, but recently, the trend has spread to literally everyone. Like, the magic of iced coffee used to be this amazing underrated secret between us and a few hipsters, but now, every human being is Instagramming their cold brew like theyre an influencer, and so a million coffee shops have stepped up and completely mastered the drink. If youre in NYC this summer and youre trying to navigate through the coffee shop options on every corner, look no further. Luckily for you, were here all year-round and weve tried every cold brew and iced Americano in the area. Here are the best ones:
1. Tobys Estate Coffee
Tobys Estate is the holy grail of coffee in New York. I mean, every single person at their Williamsburg location has a man bun and a beard, so you know they serve good shit. Their small batch coffee is made in Brooklyn, but they also have a few locations around the city, so find one thats close to you and order their cold brew. I mean, we cant promise youll never walk into Starbucks again, but youll definitely look down on everyone in line.
2. Happy Bones
Happy Bones is a Nolita coffee shop that just gets us. Their drinks are almost as pretty as their tortoise colored spoons that match your new Warby Parker sunglasses, and their iced coffee is unbelievable. Plus, its conveniently located near some of our fav brunch spots, like Butchers Daughter, EggShop, and Jacks Wife Freda, so you can get your avocado toast and iced coffee fix in one trip. We cant make this shit up.
3. La Colombe
The La Colombe line looks long and intimidating, but it moves fast and this coffee is worth it. Most locations only take cash, which is obv an annoyance, but if you come prepared, you wont be let down. La Colombe works directly with coffee farmers around the world to use exotic, rare coffee beans that taste so much better than American coffee. Whether youre a coffee connoisseur or are just looking for something to help you open your eyes before 9am, youll die for this coffee.
Hi-Collar is an authentic Japanese cafe that specializes in a rare Siphon coffee during the day and turns into a dope sake bar at night. They let you pick your coffee bean, and then choose between a regular Japanese iced coffee, a cold brew Mizudashi coffee, or an AeroPress iced coffee, which are all amazing, even if we don’t really know what they are. You can also add a scoop of gelato in your iced coffee for another $2, which we totally wont judge you for. I mean, its ice cream in your coffee.
Mud, also known as Mud Spot, serves coffee that many locals (hi) have referred to as crack. This East Village coffee shop has been around for a while, so youll definitely be judged when you start Snapchatting a picture of your latte. With that being said, their iced coffee is refreshing and naturally sweet, so you dont need to add a bunch of shit to make it drinkable. They also have a backyard restaurant that serves amazing brunch, so its basically a one-stop hangover cure.
6. Dean & Deluca
Dean & Deluca is the OG bougie New York hotspot. Like, Upper East Side moms have been buying their organic produce here for years and wont even look at Whole Foods, so you know its the real deal. But whether their imported $18 almonds are worth it or not, their iced coffee definitely is. We love that Dean & Delucas iced coffee is strong enough to get you through the day but not any overkill level that will make you shaky for an hour. Oh, and buy their peanut butter cookie if you must. Its obviously staring at you.
7. Zibetto Espresso Bar
Dont walk into Zibetto Espresso Bar expecting to order a cold brew with almond milk and four Splendas. This Italian coffee shop is authentic as fuck, so youre getting a cold espresso shot called the Shakerato, and youll love it. I mean, any betch who went abroad to Florence can already appreciate this European version of a cold brew, so get on board. Its basically a shot of espresso mixed with simple syrup and shaken with ice, and itll become your new go-to fuel. It might even be worth the trek to midtown.
8. O Cafe
If youve ever tried Panther Coffee in Miami, youll notice the coffee at O Cafe tastes weirdly familiar. Thats because its made from the same beans, and its a fucking hidden gem. The coffee beans come from exotic places like Brazil, South America, and Africa, and trust us when we say their cold brew is liquid gold. Plus, the actual cafe is adorable if you have time to sit for a sec and stare at the organic carrot muffin on the table next to you.
The 5 Stupidest People On The Planet( Are All Donald Trump)
1 month, 22 days ago
How many times are you allowed to say or do something stupid before you realize you yourself are stupid? Seven times? 24? Butts? Rush Limbaugh has been incorrect about 270 things a day for 40 years, and he would be truly shocked to learn he’s stupid. We aren’t good at spotting our own intellectual restrictions. We walk around believing we’re brilliant , no matter how many times we get our head stuck in an alligator or our genitals stuck in an alligator. I can prove it: I think I’m smart enough to write an article on intelligence, and the only volume I’ve read is the movie Bloodsport . I also recently typed the number butt. Twice. Hold on, butts hours now.
The cluelessly stupid are a diverse and colorful community, but most of them fall into one of five working distinct categories. I’ll include a famous example of each one, which may end up getting confusing, since our dumbfuck chairman is somehow the example for all five. So here is a list of dumb morons, which is perhaps the best idea I’ve had for an article since 8 Album Covers White People Could Never Pull Off or Your 3rd Grade Textbook, Only Written By Gary Busey. Here’s the book cover for when it inevitably gets adapted into national bestseller 😛 TAGEND
One last thing before we start. I imagine that some of you have already taken the idea of this article personally, and you’re keenly watching for any logical flaw, strawman fallacy, or typo which will allow you to dismiss me as a totally wrong phony. If so, I have some bad news: You’re much dumber than you think, and this article is about you. And since you’re already in the comments segment, the rest of this sentence is for everyone else: Ensure if you can guess which entry that guy was!
We live in a world infested with experts — body language experts who speculate on handshake meanings, social media experts who tweet about Twitter to Twitterbots, romance experts who tell you how to fuck on a pizza *. There are no rules to declaring yourself an expert. And when you’re self-important enough to think universally shared experiences are yours alone, you become a Keeper of the Common Knowledge.
* Cheese-up, while generously fingering your lover’s pepperoni chakra. You’re welcome, couples .
A Keeper of the Common Knowledge can become a resulting intellect on a subject after a Wikipedia paragraph or a few hazy childhood memories. Here’s how it works: Every day, about 4,500 American tourists check into Paris hotels. After a few days of standard vacation packaging, they come home, and their scarcely noteworthy journey is only brought up every time France is mentioned for the rest of their own lives. But for a Keeper of the Common Knowledge, those three days offered an insight into a culture so complete that they know the mysterious French people better than they know themselves.
A Keeper of Common Knowledge offers their wisdom when you need it least. They are bursting with things no person could possibly not know, and it spills out at the slightest relevance. They might insert themselves into a discussion about pro wrestling only to explain it’s fake. If you make eye contact with them at a buffet, they give conspiratorial advice, like how to pile the most expensive foods into little shrines honoring your victory over the restaurant. They interrupt movies to share arcane knowledge like how guns are quite noisy or hanging from a cliff builds your limbs tired. They’re the kind of person who tells you not to use shampoo as a lubricant, as if they’re the inventor of making love to a bowling ball. Let me expend Valentine’s Day however I want, genius.
Helping Understand Keepers Of The Common Knowledge With Stupid President Donald Trump
Remember when Trump was always saying he was the best at military? That wasn’t a crafty lie to get the tank loader referendum; he actually thinks that. But why? How? He dodged military service with a note from his gynecologist, and the only book on war he’s read is a Hitler cat recipe book. Well, I’ve done my best to piece together how he came to think of himself as the greatest military intellect of our time. It’s pretty amazing how many personality and mental disorders had to come together to make it happen. Maintain in intellect that I’m not a licensed doctor and can’t diagnose him. However, I do know that popular disabled impersonator Donald Trump has so much evil inside him that his proctologist’s ungloved fingers now add an anus to any flesh they touch. When Trump got an MRI, the computer just showed an image of his daughter crouch over Jesus Christ and peeing into his missing eyes. With that in mind, let’s examine the 4D chessboard the commander in chief calls his “very good brain.”
During the debates, Donald complained that George Patton was spinning in his grave because we announced we were going into Mosul. “Why not go in quiet? ” he asked many times. It was most likely rhetorical, but also so ignorant that one moderator accidentally answered it for him. Also, Patton famously led an insane decoy army to confuse the Nazis. Saying he’s spinning in his grave over someone being bold is like saying, “I didn’t even read the Netflix description of the movie about the guy I’m invoking” and then adding, “It is genuinely impossible to miss how terrible I am. I am a stroll DO NOT IRON WHILE WEARING SHIRT label. People assure me and wonder what helplessly uninformed assholes made a need for me.”
Trump kept referring to a secret military plan to defeat ISIS which he would only expose after he was constructed chairwoman. This lie was almost cute, like when your boyfriend pretends he knew it was your birthday, or when Mike Huckabee’s son says, “The dog was ritually murdered this route when I received it! ” But I don’t believe Trump was lying! He genuinely thought he had solved ISIS when his very good brain invented the “sneak attack.” Paradoxically, he knew it was brilliant, but also so obvious that the generals were stupid for not thinking of it. I know a lot of absurdity is getting hurled around in this article, but he actually was of the view that, and Mike Huckabee’s son actually murdered a puppy. And Trump’s proctologist utterly adds buttholes to all flesh he touches. It happens so often that he’s stopped apologizing for it.
From what I can tell, the rest of Trump’s military tactics are made up wholly of war crimes. One morning, convicted fraudster Donald Trump called in to a talk reveal to suggest we kill the families of terrorists. In one of his first executive briefings, he asked three times why we can’t use nuclear weapons if we have them. That’s his understanding of modern warfare — he guesses all the bad people travel in one bombable group, moving to a new town every time the guileless United States military announces it’s coming. Which means their only weakness is the first chairman with enough balls to instantaneously and without warning murder their children. It’s weird, because most clinical sociopaths know that in order to blend in, they’re at least supposed to feign human life has value.
Trump sounds like a guy who had atomic bombs to present to him by an ill-advised puppet show, but he assured us that “There’s nobody that understands the horrors of nuclear better than me.” How deep does our president’s record-breaking understanding of the horror of nuclear run? Well, in the most aggressively uninformed statement ever made by a dumbest man in the room, he told reporters, “You know what uranium is, right? It’s this thing called atomic weapon. And other things. Like, lots of things are done with uranium. Including some bad things.”
Those words came out of his mouth. After bragging about being the leading nuclear intellect on the planet! No, you don’t get onto. You, me, all of us, we now live in a world where anything can happen. Our chairman, the PRESIDENT , knows three war things — sneak assaults are surprise, nuclear is some bad things , nothing fucking else — and with all his heart, he believes he is a military genius. And we, the people who all knew at least those same things, believed him! We set him in charge of the military! You can absolutely fuck off if that doesn’t prove magical is real.
There’s a soothing faith among the unskilled and dumb that every issue is simple and knowledge is a pointless endeavor. A Pure Intellect Untainted by Expertise thinks they have a refreshing outsider’s take on every issue. They say things like “Hollywood should only construct daring, original films” or “The cure for the obesity epidemic is fucking feeing less” or “Have depressed people tried not being sad? ” Everything is so easy to solve if you stop dismissing the obvious answer!
There is a lot of appeal in supposing any of the world’s problems can be fixed with your no-nonsense telling it like it is. In fact, our movies and Tv displays cater to it. They fabricate situations in which the obvious solution is ignored until the doofus character suggests an extremely common-sense notion. The others say something like “My- my God, it’s so simple it’s brilliant! ” If you’re dumb enough, it feels like they’re talking to you! Let me give you an example.
Remember in Top Gun , when Maverick is being chased by an adversary plane through the danger zone? He’s going to die if he can’t get behind them, but how? Easy: He’s going to slam on the brakes, and they will fly right by. No one in the movie can believe it. That shit isn’t in the Pilot Rulebook, Maverick! But rules and pilots will never replace raw street smarts like the kind you and Maverick have. Personally, I’m so street smart that I don’t even wonder how the airplane already had brakes if Maverick was the first guy to devise the idea of slowing down a jet with jet brakes. I’m so street smart that I would have hurled a bowling ball out the window and said “She broke my heart too, pal! ” as it smashed into the enemy pilot’s chest, making a perfect comedic callback to earlier, when I was having sex with that bowling ball.
Here’s an example from a movie that isn’t 31 years old 😛 TAGEND
Have you ever noticed how in sports movies, there’s always a wildcard character who objective up being the best at the athletic because they’ve never heard of it? They made the golf ball or kick the football furthest because they haven’t cluttered their brain with pointless “knowledge.” Or perhaps they’re unstoppable at basketball because they’re a caveman, or a dog. If you’re fetally alcoholed enough, these movies send a truly comforting message: Your lack of knowledge is specifically what will stimulate you great at things. And think of how many things you don’t know how to do. But not too hard; you don’t want to accidentally understand anything so well that you are bad at it, like George Lucas did with Star Wars or Gamergate did with women.
Helping Understand Pure Intellects Untainted By Expertise With Stupid President Donald Trump
Knowing nothing about how to do something but also being the only one who can do it is Donald Trump’s defining doctrine. He went into his campaign telling everyone how he knew nothing about politics, and that’s virtually the only thing he didn’t lie about. But of all his shortcomings , nothing demonstrates a Pure Intellect Untainted by Expertise as much as his stupid fucking Mexico WALL.
To believe a wall is the solution to drugs, illegal immigration, or human trafficking requires a spectacular lack of knowledge. You have to carefully not read the first sentence of the first Google result on any of the issues. Most undocumented immigrants arrive legally and overstay their visas. Nothing has stopped medications ever. I don’t have all the stats on human trafficking, but every Staples I called said that they haven’t published an unusually high number of SEX SLAVE LIQUIDATION SALE signs since Trump announced he wanted a fence.
I’m already attacking the problem with facts, and our chairwoman wouldn’t know a fact if it unraveled his combover and rappelled down Trump Tower. A human should know a wall wouldn’t work simply by remembering what they know about walls. And since we live in an amazing hour when anything can happen, we’ve actually witnessed Donald Trump accidentally think too hard about his wall and figure out that it wouldn’t work.
In November of last year, Trump was explaining walls to a crowd. He reassured them that no one could scale his wall by saying, “There’s no ladder going over there.” He then took a long, silent thought … maybe to consider whether Mexicans have ladder technology? He caveated, “If they ever get up there, they’re in trouble, ’cause there’s no way to get down.” Still deep in thought, he added, ” … maybe a rope.” And with that, he debunked his own fencing, almost a year ago, by unwittingly thinking about it for merely the smallest amount of time.
Since then, it seems like any time Trump talks about the subject for too long, he’ll recollect another way to defeat a wall and have to add specific features. He once remembered that you can dig under walls, so he added special vibration-sensing anti-tunnel technology. He once misunderstood what someone meant by the word “transparent, ” and insisted that yeah, it was important to induce the wall transparent so you can see the giant bags of drugs falling over it. And when he remembered that hammers can smash through walls, he suggested we fill it with , no bullshit, nuclear waste . There was also some talk of solar panel and a railroad. So now this thing senses vibrations( except for its own railroad ), is climb-proof, is immune to everything but rope, and they’re going to fill it with nuclear waste, which you can see because the wall is transparent. Also it’s made of solar panels. So perhaps this is an example of how knowing nothing about a thing sometimes can induce you the best at it. Because Trump knows less about walls than a free-range chicken’s limitless dreamings, and he somehow designed the sweetest goddamn wall up the world.
The Determined Fool decided several years ago that they were extremely correct about something. Maybe they picked a political party, or a video game console, or the concept of serpents as pets. Whatever it was, they ran about building their identity all over the simple, unquestionable truth of that thing’s domination. Since absolute certainty is a trait shared only by the very stupid, it turns out they were wrong. About everything. The alien-worshiping religion or the perpetually sued president they chose did not in fact end man’s quest for universal truth. So now their life is devoted to developing the insanities necessary to keep their intellects from noticing their mistake.
The human brain is an amazing organ. It can keep the Determined Fool ignorant even in the face of overwhelming education. In fact, proving to a Determined Fool how they are wrong usually only builds them more wrong. But who am I to say what’s real? Our perception is just the interface we use to construe a Universe of unknown wonders. I think it was Guy Fieri who once honked the horn on his top-down Chevelle and screamed, “Truth is a fleeting conception, like a slippery dildo in a dildo sweepstakes booth, weeknights at 8 on the Food Network! “
I observed this image in a folder called DRUNK PHOTOSHOP and thought “I’ll never find a place for whatever this is, drunk me.” In your face, sober me .
No one has a handle on truth, but 2,300 years ago, Aristotle said that the best truth is usually the one balanced between two extremes. So how are the most extreme people always the most sure they’re right? It’s been a dumb thing to believe since they literally fucking devised how to believe. Totally unaware of this, the Determined Fool starts political wars from indefensible postures like “trickle-down economics” or “Let’s hear these Nazis out.” Luckily, they have an arsenal of behavioral problems and logical fallacies to help them move out of any checkmate. For instance, maybe you decided you support Trump because he’s a great industrialist who tells it like it is. Fine. So you bought a little hat, masturbated to a picture of the nude first lady, and alerted the Muslim in your build that Sharia law is no longer welcome in America. You’re simply the most difficult. A true piece of shit, like back when America was great.
So what are you supposed to do now? Get a rebate for your hat? Apologize to the Muslim in your building who turned out to be something called “a Sikh”? Why bother? There are no repercussions for anything, and your garbage brain can easily persuade itself the media was lying. Plus, history eventually demonstrates all racists to be right about daughter-killing immigrants, which because of Sharia law is perfectly legal in your Muslim neighbor’s apartment. And with those simple mental gymnastics, boom, America is great again.
Neuroscientists call this type of nimble idiocy “cognitive dissonance, ” but I’m not a neuroscientist. I’m a human who types things like “a shrieking Guy Fieri trying to justify an all-rib diet to his own hickory-smoked diarrhea.” That’s what the Determined Fool is: someone bursting with shit who would rather pitch you on a world of diarrhea fountains than deal with their own problems.
Man fabricated the scientific method 400 years ago, when Galileo thought to sometimes ask, “What if we’re wrong about this? ” They teach it to third-graders. So try to remember this: Every single time you’re 100 percentage convinced you’re right, you’re dumber than a 17 th-century leech farmer or an eight-year-old C student. Even if you turn out to be right. You hopeless, self-brainwashing diarrhea fountain salesman.
Helping Understand Determined Fools With Stupid President Donald Trump
Not all Determined Fools have intellects elastic enough for cognitive dissonance. In order to hang onto their harmful, evil, self-destructive, or otherwise dumbass notion, some have to resort to false equivalencies. Like when Trump was asked how he feels about Putin being a killer, and he said, “So what? Other people are killers too! ” That’s how seductive false equivalencies can be to a simple intellect. These fuckings end up arguing FOR murder and FOR Nazis, and they think they’re making, like, a phase?
Since basic human decency is now a political issue, some of you were already supposing “THE LEFT DOES IT TOO! ” Sure, buddy. There are other things wrong in the world besides assassination and Nazis. For instance, your mother’s footjob game. And sure , for every ten Gamergaters threatening to kill a girl for abiding a black Human Torch, there is a Twitter warrior who chose to support feminism with an overly harsh meme. But sanctimonious bravery isn’t anything like being a Nazi. And nothing any Democrat will ever do is similar to boast about grabbing pussies while you’re married to a model you bought from Slovenia. If you’re confounded, always recollect: When two things are described with different words and have differing meanings, they aren’t the same. You don’t get to lie and murder and be Kenyan simply because Obama does it too.
When your world is built on top of something as flaky as religion or politics, it’s deplete. You have to defend nonsense all day because you don’t know which crack in your foundation will require you to rebuild your entire faith system. That’s a ton of run. I still convince myself electronic music is fun because it’s easier than developing rhythm. People still chase children with knives because it’s faster than explaining why they became a clown. But if your notions are so flimsy that they shatter as soon as you admit a mistake, let them shatter. You can rebuild a far superior personality and system of values with a single episode of Super Friends .
What if I told you that television reveals were dangerous? It’s true. In the year 2000, four out of every five injuries occurred in a home that owned a VHS copy of Robocop III . Someone might say, “That’s obliging Robocorrelation, but that data alone does not suggest Robocausation.” Fine. But maybe your first instinct was to say, ” Robocop III is a movie , not a Tv display, you fucking dumbass.” If so, then congratulations, imbecile, you’re a Technical Genius. You’re smart enough to place a technicality, but too dumb to know everyone else did too and it was light years away from the point. You’re the kind of person who tells your doctor, “Um, it’s Chief Chirpa? ” when he tells you that getting the Wicket doll out of your asshole will require surgery. “And, um, ” you’ll add, “it’s an action figure ? Perhaps you should have gone to a non-stupid medical school.”
The nice thing about being a Technical Genius is that it feels like proof you’re smarter than everyone. They can say you don’t “get it” all day, but they’re the moronics who guess Robocop III is a Tv show. Look at it like this: You are the only one in the history of Koala Times Bus Tours to contract syphilis from a koala bite. You might be embarrassed, but at least you aren’t like those other buffoons screaming “Don’t touch the koala bears! ” when they are in fact marsupials . I entail, if koalas were actual bears , your whole face would be missing , not still here and covered in pulsing chancres.
Technical Geniuses reach maximum riling when they decide that pointing out technicalities is a sense of humor. For instance, if you announced, “My wife is pregnant and we’re having a son, ” a Technical Genius might quip, “Well, technically merely women can have newborns. Unless you count the Chief Chirpa action figure currently breaching my anus — um, which you should, since it is the dictionary definition. Heard of it? Hey, everyone! This idiot with no dictionary is watching me shit out a Chief Chirpa, and he doesn’t even know which gender gives birth! “
Technical Geniuses have such a rigid understanding of the rules of speech that they miss the meaning behind words. They mistake sarcasm for a mistake that needs correcting. Their idea of wordplay is presuming you meant the incorrect homonym, which stimulates them both a walk-to Family Circus cartoon and the person condescendingly explaining to the Family Circus characters how “cool” may sometimes refer to “tubular” instead of temperature. And god help you if you get into a written discussion with them, as the tiniest typo can turn even the most important debate into a fourth-grade grammar lesson. They’d instead tell you that “non whites” should have a hyphen rather than agree that killing them is wrong.
For the most part, the Technical Genius merely derails conversations with unlikeability. But their fierce misunderstanding of unspoken rules can lead to problems style more serious. You know what happens when you can’t see past the immediate and literal meaning of words? Well, I’ll depict you. It’s technically unfair how there’s no “White” History Month or “White” Entertainment Television, right? And fine, black lives matter, but isn’t it MORE caring and accepting to say that ALL lives matter? Ensure? I’m merely two sentences into my life as a Technical Genius, and I’ve already talked myself into racism. All it took was the limited observation skills of a bad ‘9 0s standup routine with the deliberate cultural ignorance of a bad ‘9 0s standup routine.
Remember when that panty-dropper at Google got fired for penning, word-for-word, how females aren’t good at robots because of their emotions and milk-squirting teats? That guy was perfectly a Technical Genius. Men and women are different, sure, but if you’re either of those things, you already knew that. You also might know how, almost always, these differences aren’t worth mentioning and vary from person to person. Yes, a woman is a bad hire if you need someone to stand next to a wolf for 29 days without bleeding. But even as someone who’s not a wolf scientist, I can think of a few workarounds: wolf nose plugs, baking soda underpants, menopause, chaining the wolf out of vagina-biting scope … are we sure we even need to fill this standing-near-a-wolf stance? See, this is how a healthy mind operates — it solves problems, asks questions, and keeps dames safe from crotch-biting predators because it’s the right thing to do. A Technical Genius makes a short-sighted, clumsy observation and acts like they put all reason in checkmate. You know who could explain this better than me? The outrageously bad con man the worst 20 percent of our population voted into the White House.
Helping Understand Technical Geniuses With Stupid President Donald Trump
This is a classic example of a Technical Genius. To this dumbshit, it seems like he’s turned the tables on the entire theory of racial persecution. He creates the same point made by most clueless fuckings on their first day of imaginary battle: “How come whites can’t do one of the things blacks do? Isn’t that the REAL persecution? ” It’s worse than ignorant. It’s the kind of childlike question you might ask the Star Trek crew if you’re a checkerboarded alien who knows nothing of their world’s Ray Sizzum.
There are different rules, unspoken or not, for every caste, race, and gender. You have to play some pretty intense make-believe to say you don’t know that. And merely the dimmest, pussiest of white people invent their own persecution, like not being allowed to say “Merry Christmas” or “the N-word.” I’m not either, but I bet white billionaires have differing troubles than the characters on Black-ish , and it seems impossible that Donald Trump hasn’t had this explained to him by Omarosa’s hairdresser many times.
The things Technical Geniuses say are oftens so frustratingly wrong but also “not wrong” that they act as traps. Your every instinct is to add context to them, but don’t — you will only become them. Seem again at our evil president’s “Black-ish” tweet. You might feel the advise to correct the five grammatical mistakes he made in its three sentences, but any decent person should feel obligated as fuck to explain only the most basic, introductory concepts of race to him. This grown human thinks that the unfairness of having a prove called Black-ish when there’s not one called “Whiteish” is “racism at highest level.” That means you have to start your explain with “Um, have you heard of a little thing called slavery ? ” And look what’s happened. You’re the one saying dumb, obvious shit now.
Sometimes a stupid person are beginning to figure out that their brain doesn’t work as well as everyone else’s. Perhaps they seemed around their home and realise they were owned volumes by Ann Coulter on how to identify different Asians by which part of the human they eat. Or maybe they watch The Big Bang Theory , which for eight seasons has just been Jim Parsons gazing directly into a camera and recurring “You are an imbecile ape. You are a mindless sack of tepid water.” It’s true, Big Bang Theory spectators, and I’m the only one with the fortitude to say it.
Discovering your own intellectual shortcomings is frightening, especially for the insecure. So some of them create a new reality, one with rules carefully constructed to induce them brilliant. The ailment starts simply enough. Your friend tells you that birthday snacks are free at any eatery if you tell them you’re a registered sex delinquent. Later, Yahoo Answers tells you that impersonating a sex delinquent is not technically a crime. Later still, in jail, you choose you dislike being tricked. They become the Untrickable.
The Untrickable believes that not being fooled is the pickle of human intelligence, but we assume they mean spire. For a person to avoid being fooled, they need deep, multi-dimensional knowledge. Fortunately, there is a shortcut: Assume everything is trying to fool you. Assume every video you watch is fake, and use that single term to describe each of them in the comments section. You’ll find that is not merely do you abruptly feel smart, but you’re also significantly smarter than anyone who has ever believed in “God” or “science” or “Guy Fieri not being a lavatory brush brought to life by a lonely plumber’s wish.”
There’s merely one problem with this: When everything is fake , nothing is. You start solving mundane mysteries with “ghosts.” Lizard men infiltrating a Target becomes exactly as likely as non-lizards asking you to leave for trying to pull human masks off the customers. The flatness of the Earth becomes a frustrating reminder of how no one else is smart enough to see through the lies of Big Fact. Luckily, our chairperson is 100 percent immune to the lies of Big Fact.
Helping Understand The Untrickables With Extremely Never-Tricked President Donald Trump
Trump has the unique mix of confidence, paranoia, and ignorance that creates a perfectly untrickable person. He guesses global warming, a savagely obvious thing only one political party in one of the world’s countries isn’t aware of, is a scheme to undermine America’s industry. He guesses the same thing about the Paris Climate Accords and the rules of procedure against dumping coal sludge into drinking water. It would take two minutes to teach a six-year-old Honduran immigrant the English necessary to teach Donald Trump why he’s wrong about any of these things. Which would, at best, lead to a tweet claiming that Mexican children are a scheme to destroy America’s industry.
6 Cheerful Christmas Traditions With Shockingly Dark Origins
1 month, 24 days ago
Before you even recover from your turkey and familial guilt coma, the jolly sights and sounds of the holidays begin bombarding your Christmas cortex until you’re ready to keel over from cheer poisoning. But are all of our holiday traditions really that wholesome? Sometimes, when you push apart the branches of the Christmas tree, you find a rabid badger inside waiting to take your head off.
#6. Christmas Stockings Are A Symbol Of Rescue From Prostitution
Every Christmas, we hang stockings in front of our fireplaces, radiators, or dumpster fires so that Santa can stuff them full of presents. As far as Christmas traditions go, this is one of the stranger ones. The holiday already has a designated present depository: the bottom of the Christmas tree, which has more space, thus facilitating bigger gifts. So why stuff gifts into old socks? Well, according to legend, in the 4th century, there was a poor man bemoaning the fact that he couldn’t afford a dowry for his three daughters, and thus no one would want to marry them.
“And even with one, Sarah’s still a bit of a longshot. She’s kind of an asshole.”
Today, the three girls could have just gotten themselves a bunch of cats and gone on with their lives, but back then, it meant that they would have to get the only job available to unwed women at the time: prostitution. This sad state of affairs deeply moved St. Nicholas, a Greek bishop and the inspiration for Santa Claus, who heard about the family’s plight.
Nicholas came to the man’s house in the middle of the night with three pouches of gold, and looked through the window to see three pairs of stockings drying in front of the hearth. Unable to go through the locked door, he slid down the chimney and planted the gold in each whore-to-be’s stocking. The next morning, the girls awoke to find that they didn’t have to change their names to the 4th-century version of Trixxxie. This soon led to the custom of leaving out stockings for St. Nicholas to fill with gifts. And that’s why Santa Claus yells “ho, ho, ho!”
Probably. Some things we have to assume.
The pimp cane speaks for itself.
#5. “Good King Wenceslas” Lived And Died A Real-Life Game Of Thrones Plot
“Good King Wenceslas” is a Christmas carol about a king seeing a beggar gathering firewood out in the snow. Together with his young page, the king then ventures out into the cold to invite the poor soul to join him inside his warm castle in an act of Christian charity. Saint Wenceslas was a real person, the son of the Duke of Bohemia (today, the Czech Republic), and enjoyed the easy life during the early 10th century. That is, until his father suddenly died in battle.
Don’t feel bad. “Dying in battle” was the good outcome in the 10th century.
Wenceslas’s pagan-loving mother Dragomir/Drahomira quickly took over as regent, and decided that she could get used to this whole “ruling” thing. What she could do without, though, was this Christianity fad that was sweeping Europe, which caused a rift between her and Wenceslas’s Christian grandmother Ludmilla, who prodded her grandson to take over Bohemia and rule in the name of Christ. Dragomir’s response was to send a gift of strangle-happy assassins to her mother-in-law’s castle.
A Christmas tradition many daughter-in-laws wish was still around today.
The horrific murder instead rallied people behind Wenceslas and his controversial Christian platform of “not strangling old women,” allowing him to take over Bohemia. Years later, Wenceslas was invited to a feast by his younger brother Boleslaw. He accepted the invitation despite being tipped off that Boleslaw was planning to kill him, because Wenceslas believed that his own brother wouldn’t really do that to him. Wenceslas ended up stabbed and dismembered in front of a church, all because he stupidly assumed that, deep down, everyone was as noble as he was. Although honestly, with names like “Dragomir” and “Boneslaw,” he really should’ve seen it coming.
#4. Caroling Was A Brutal Holiday Extortion Racket
Caroling wasn’t always blander than a bread sandwich. Before the 19th century, Christmas was seen as a time when regular social order could go eat a dick. As part of this annual Bizarro World mentality, people would go door to door making noise, drinking, and playing instruments with the expectation of being invited inside for food or booze. The carolers would also cross-dress (or dress up as animals) and then fuck in front of people’s houses, because it’s not Christmas unless you’re boning a drunken tiger in the snow.
We won’t go until we get some We won’t go until we get some We won’t go until we get some From this tiger’s rear
In a sense, it was like trick-or-treating, if the “trick” was a helping of horrific violence. Accounts exist of proto-carolers burglarizing homes and destroying livelihoods simply because they didn’t have enough booze or money to go around. Even some of the songs sung around that time explicitly threatened home occupants, saying that if they failed to provide the goods, they could expect a curb-stomping by belligerent show-tune-singing furries.
We now have some serious questions about the relationship between that fur-clad man and his deer.
#3. Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer Was Created By A Department Store
The origin of Rudolph is as depressingly cynical as its underlying message. During the 1930s, the now-defunct Chicago department chain Montgomery Ward used to give away free books to children around Christmas. But in 1939, they decided to cheap out and make their own book instead of buying them from publishers.
He was Barney the Blue-Nosed until they learned that red ink cost less.
The store’s ad man, Robert L. May, was saddled with the task, and eventually came up with the first draft of the Rudolph story. He drew from his own experiences both as a frail, frequently bullied child, and as an unfulfilled adult who never felt that he was living up to his potential. Shortly after that, May’s wife died of cancer.
“Rudolph with your nose so bright, won’t you … actually, you should probably see a radiologist.”
May threw himself into his work, and the result was a bestselling children’s book. Montgomery Ward ended up printing two million copies of Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer, for which May was paid a nice round sum of zero dollars (hey, you can’t get rounder than a zero). This proved a problem, as it meant that he had no way to pay off his dead wife’s towering hospital bills. So the CEO of the department store decided to give him the rights to Rudolph. Some say it was because he didn’t see much potential for the character, but we say: Shut up, Grinch, and let us retain some faith in humanity.
#2. A Charlie Brown Christmas Was Originally A Giant Coke Commercial
And thus the War on Christmas ended, never to be mentioned again.
However, in an ironic twist, it was predatory capitalism which gave birth to A Charlie Brown Christmas in the first place. After seeing the Peanuts gang on the cover of TIME magazine, Coca-Cola approached Charles Schulz in 1965 to commission a CBS Christmas special that would prominently feature Coke product placement within the Peanuts universe itself.
Peppermint Patty, of course, was inserted by Hershey’s.
The original airing of the program reportedly featured conspicuous Coke cans everywhere, because Snoopy just couldn’t get enough of that real cocaine flavor. However, after years of ratings success and changing attitudes toward product placement, CBS quietly edited out any evidence that A Charlie Brown Christmas was originally commissioned as a Coke commercial. Instead, they simply started cutting chunks of the program out to make room for more commercial breaks, most likely in an attempt to create a perpetual energy source from poor Charles Schulz spinning in his grave.
#1. The Modern Santa Claus Was Created By Rich Assholes To Stop Us From Having Fun
Santa Claus did not spring fully-formed from the hopeful minds of children. In fact, he was invented by rich New Yorkers who wanted to stop Americans from drinking around the holidays. As we mentioned earlier, Christmas used to be a rowdy bitch of a holiday when drunken wretches roamed the streets harassing rich people. Property damage was widespread, morality was drowned in gallons of wine, and violent hijinks ruled supreme. A truly old-fashioned Christmas looked less like Martha Stewart Living and more like a PG version of The Purge.
The “PG” part standing for “Puking Guts.”
By the early 1800s in America, however, the rich elite started to think of ways to ruin the one night of mindless fun poor people got per year.
In New York City, a group of wealthy Dutch-Americans formed the “Saint Nicholas Society,” and conspired to make Christmas safe for the rich. With the help of writers like Washington Irving and Clement Clarke Moore, the Society began “domesticating” the holiday by focusing it upon children. First, they brought over the Dutch story of Sinterklaas, a folkloric figure based on Saint Nicholas whose present-giving, anti-pimping platform made him the perfect symbol for family-friendly wholesomeness.
Here’s an unrelated photo of a typical Dutch man.
Thanks to illustrations and poems published by the Society, Christmas became less of a cold, drunken orgy and more of a child’s second birthday party.
We never thought of ourselves as traditionalists before, but this holiday season, maybe we’ll give it a shot …
When it comes to entertainment, I’m usually not a huge supporter of fan involvement. Especially if the thing the creators made is already awesome. I’m firmly planted in the “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” philosophy, because I believe that if creating kickass content was easy, everyone would be doing it, and it would pay less than minimum wage. But then these things happen, and my whole worldview gets punched right in its butthole …
#5. Jimmy Wong Covers Adventure Time‘s “Bacon Pancakes”
The Awesome Original
For the seven people who have never seen Adventure Time: It has this awesome, super weird, childlike charm that’s hard to describe. If you were to gather a group of 10-year-old kids, put projectors on their imaginations, and then get them really, really high, this show is what would erupt from their thinkskulls.
A big part of that is because one of the main characters (Jake) is played by John DiMaggio, who has voice roles in probably half of your favorite cartoons, including Bender from Futurama. John is one of those rare talents who is so funny, he could tell me my mom died and I’d be totally OK with that.
In the episode “Burning Low,” Jake sings a little snippet of a song he made up while cooking breakfast, and the internet did what it does best, latching onto it like it was the pinnacle of musical achievement. Twitter and Facebook were immediately saturated with GIFs, memes, videos, macros … feel free to look those up at your leisure. I don’t have the mental strength to find and link them. But the one I will direct you to is …
The Awesome Fan Creation
Keen-eyed and super awesome observers will recognize that group of human faceheads as Jimmy Wong, who plays Fred Chu in John Dies At The End. Jimmy decided that the single verse of “Bacon Pancakes” that Adventure Time provided wasn’t enough, so he gathered up a shitload of instruments and recording equipment and set out to write a full version.
What we got is one of the catchiest earworms I’ve ever heard. It’s so goddamn smooth and professional, I’m surprised Cartoon Network didn’t adopt it as their channel’s overall theme. Just embedding that clip into this article guarantees I’ll have it stuck in my head for the next week, and surprisingly that doesn’t piss me off.
#4. Diablo Fans Get Tired Of Waiting And Make Their Own
The Awesome Original
Diablo and its follow-up, the creatively named Diablo II, are among the greatest action role-playing games of all time. The weirdest thing about their popularity is that they took one of the biggest complaints from RPGs, “kill this boss 8,000 times until you get awesome gear,” and modeled their entire game around it.
Strangely, it works. Awesome weapons and armor drop frequently enough that it lured gamers back to play through their virtual mazes like Pavlovian lab rats. It added a replayability that a lot of games at the time lacked. You can spend a few days blasting through the main storyline and then spend the next month using Diablo II as a means of destressing from everyday life. Just shut off your brain, kill demons, and pick up loot. It is damn near perfect.
The problem was that D2 was released in June of 2000. A year later, they released an expansion, and then … well, that was it. Blizzard announced that they were making Diablo III seven years later, and it took another four years even after that to finish and release it. In the meantime …
The Awesome Fan Creation
Some time around 2007, a bunch of fans got sick of waiting for not just Blizzard but any company at all to release an unshitty game in the style of Diablo II, so they said, “Fuck this. We’ll create our own.” Remember, D3 wasn’t announced until a year after the players’ decision to design their own game, and by that point, they’d already given Blizzard over six years to step up to the plate.
For the next three years, they created Path Of Exile (available at that link or on Steam) in secret, and they eventually announced the title in 2010. They officially released it in 2013, and not only is it arguably better than Blizzard’s third incarnation of Devil: The Choppening, it was and still is 100 percent free. Not “free to play” or “pay to win.” I mean full-on fr-motherfucking-ee. The only things you can buy with real money in this game are cosmetic items and some bank tabs.
Here’s the kicker: They didn’t just throw this thing out into the void and forget about it. They actually update and support it regularly. Not just content updates but four huge, cock-punching expansions. They’ve regularly added new classes and subclasses, leagues, hardcore modes, and one of the most awesome skill trees you’ll ever see in any video game. No, seriously, check this bitch out.
#3. Mortal Kombat Gets A Gritty Makeover
The Awesome Original
Mortal Kombat is one of my guilty pleasures because it doesn’t try to be something it’s not. It’s a movie about kicking people in the face. The plot can go fuck itself. The fight scenes are beautifully choreographed, and seeing characters like Sub-Zero and Scorpion come to life brings out the old-school video game fanboy in me. To this day, I still yell “GET OVER HERE” every chance I get, which annoys the living shit out of the people who are morally bound to tolerate me.
I can admit, though, that the lack of depth is a problem. We get some basic background on each of the main characters, but there just isn’t enough time to dig into each of their lives. You can’t really blame them — the movie has like 7,000 fighters. To keep it to a respectable hour and a half, motivation has to be left at, “Your character is a movie star. Do the splits and punch that guy in the cock.”
The Awesome Fan Creation
I was tempted to not include this entry because Kevin Tancharoen isn’t exactly an amateur. Even at the time this came out, he had a pretty impressive resume in the entertainment industry that ranges from being a dance choreographer for Madonna to co-creating MTV’s DanceLife. Yeah, I’ve never heard of it either, but the point is that creating a show that ends up on MTV kind of takes you out of the amateur circle jerk. But he wasn’t exactly Steven Spielberg.
That’s why it’s impressive that he took a big ol’ hard fanboy look at Mortal Kombat and thought, “This could be so much cooler.” So he filmed a gritty trailer that’s almost eight minutes long and threw it up on the internet, and it is fucking awesome:
The plan was to get Warner Bros. to let him make an actual movie out of it. Being the soulless crackfarts that they are, they basically told him to lick their assholes and then gave him permission to turn it into a webseries. I was going to link to the YouTube videos, but some of them have been marked private for … some reason? Just get all the seasons on Steam. They’re free.
Here Are Your Weekly Horoscopes For October 30 th-November 5th
2 months, 30 days ago
Is it cold in here or is it only your heart? Saturn enters its own sign the coming week and Saturn is totes like, THE winter sign. It might be a great week to stock up on fuckboys mood lighting and fuzzy blankets. I entail, also, we are entering cuffing season, so don’t be shocked if your thirst is at an all period high the coming week. Oh, also, it’s a full moon at the end of the week so be developed for that to fuck up some shit.
This is the week where you need to confront shared expenses. Ew. It’s the first of the month so perhaps this just means reminding your roommates to pay rent, or, maybe this is serving as your reminder to pull your own damn weight and pay rent yourself. The full moon at the end of the week falls in your money home while Mars is opposite your sign. Mars can promote arguments, so go with the flow and pay up where you owe fund. If you need to ask someone else to quit being fucking inexpensive and pay their share, maybe delayed until next week so they’ll be more likely to be understanding.
The full moon at the end of the week is the only full moon to take place in your sign all year! As per usual, the full moon means you might have some bumpy roads ahead when it comes to your relationships. You genuinely need to take a fucking chill pill as the weekend approaches, because the problem actually isn’t with other people right now–news flash, their own problems is you. You’re just a little bit more easily annoyed than usual. That’s entirely fine. Just veg out with Xans/ wine until your aggravation passes.
In typical Gemini fashion, you’ve got two different forces at play in their own lives this week. One is all about that party life. Half of you is sociable, extroverted and ready to keep the Halloweekend party rolling all week. The other influence at play builds you want to work hard and get shit done. This is such the stereotypical “work hard/ play hard” week for you. The full moon might make some difficulties with your health, though, so stock up on that Emergen-C for after you indulged your “play hard” side.
The things you love most–parties, friends, romance, sexuality, etc–will cause you the most stress the coming week. Fuck that shit, right? So, yeah, you’ll get to enjoy all the best things about your life, but the full moon at the end of the week also attains sure those things come with strings attached. Don’t fret too much about that tension, though; it should totally dissipate by next Sunday/ Monday. In fact, since shit won’t end up being a big deal to you, try to be somewhat accommodating to the other signs because the full moon is impacting them in bigger routes. Ugh, you are just such a good friend.
When most signs are fucked up because of the full moon, the lucky Leo betch actually gets a boost from Venus and Mars. The planets promote your ability to communicate effectively. Like, you’re commonly the “take charge” sign, but, as most other signs will be slacking the coming week, you’ll truly have to step up to your leadership role. Severely , no one is doing this full moon better than you are right now.
Shit continues to be fast-paced for you this week. Like, what’s new, right? There are parties to attend, errands to running and general fun to be had. You have a strong need to communicate with others and express yourself this week. Of course, the things you want most are the things that get fucked up most by the full moon. Expect some flubs when it comes to your travel plans and communication. Wires get intersected. Shit happens. You’ll pull out of it by Sunday.
The full moon on Friday will stimulate you stress about your finances. Wait, is pay day this week or next week? Shit. You might even have some disagreements when it comes to where you make money or how you spend it. Fortunately, the majority of members of this shit really clears up and resolves itself by next Sunday. Also, Mars builds your sign feisty this week. Which might be a good thing in the bedroom, but won’t serve you well in the boardroom. Maintain a lid on the position at work.
YAS QUEEN! This is your motherfuckin’ day! You are empowered as shit, because the Sun is in your sign along with Mercury and Jupiter. Sort of unfortunately, the full moon at the end of the week is the only one opposite your sign all year. You’ll most likely be stressed about something going on in your relationships with significant others and your best friends. This week’s stress will be gone by the start of next week, so you can go back to fully enjoying your best time of the year.
Some signs take a direct hit from the full moon. In your sign, though, the full moon impacts you in more sneaky, sinister routes. WTF? You’ll likely have that shitty feeling that you’re forgetting something or something merely isn’t quite right. You might be slightly more forgetful this week, so just like, double-check that you turned off your straightening iron when you leave the house for run. That weird unrest caused by the full moon will disappear by the start of next week. Whew!
You’re kind of, like, the social queen of everything this week. Good for you, Capricorn betch. Your audience might be a little younger than you. Yes, you do have so much to teach and share with them about what induces for the best chaser and how to cure a hangover. Since the other signs are going all crazy with the full moon, they’ll likely wishes to vent and bitch to you about other people. Don’t get in trouble by playing the middle man or stirring the pot, you little pot-stirrer, you. Try to keep the peace until everyone’s mood gets better by Sunday.
The Sun is still pretty fucking high in your chart so people are keeping their eyes on you. Don’t worry–it’s in a good way. Still, you’ll feel pulled between daily demands of work/ school and the fun shit you want to do. You might have to turn down an awesome invite this week so you can like, IDK, keep your job or not fail out of college or something. That wholly sucks, but you should probs remember that you can’t keep everyone happy.
The full moon is stimulating you clumsy AF. Maybe merely pack an extra shirt with you to work when you inevitably spill your coffee or crack an ink pen all over yourself. Also, you’re more likely to be distracted when it comes to transportation, so here’s your friendly reminder to put your goddamned telephone down when you’re driving. Like, do you want to be a PSA? I didn’t think so. Be careful when it is necessary to slips of the tongue, too. You’re more likely to mouth off in the week ahead and get in trouble for it. Good news: Things get a lot better for you after Friday and you’re in the clear by Sunday!
Here Are Your Weekend Horoscopes For September 22 -2 4
3 months, 14 days ago
For those of you who actually follow the calendar, this weekend marks the first weekend of fall. Fall means a lot of things. For some, it’s scramble-to-find-a-guy-to-string-along-through-the-holidays cuffing season. For others, it marks the beginning of a weight gain induced by sweet Starbucks faux coffee liquors. For still others, it entails drowning their sorrows in alcohol–but like, spiced cool weather alcohol. Find out what this autumn has in store for you in this week’s edition of our weekend horoscopes.
It’s been a whirlwind of a week for Aries and somehow, against all odds, you constructed it through. Not just that, but you kind of kicked its ass. Honestly , no one knows how you pulled it off or where you got your stash of Limitless pills, but you’ve more than earned a weekend off. Spend the next two days winding down in whatever way works best for you, the only requirement being that you’re 100% stress-free.
You’ve taken on a lot of responsibility these past few weeks, Taurus, and the people around you, especially your superiors, are impressed by your “go getter” attitude. The thing is, what they can’t ensure but you are starting to know too well is that you’re losing steam. Get some remainder, tall infant! You can’t maintain burning the candle from both ends. All your impressive accomplishments will be nullified if you have a nervous breakdown at work, so perhaps try and take a step back this weekend and prioritize a few key tasks rather than trying to do it all. Do those well and then move onto the next. Wash, rinse, repeat for the rest of your life.
You can’t rush a good thing, Gemini. This weekend you may be tempted to light a fire under a relationship in the hopes that things will start moving at the pace you’re accustomed to. But consider this: maybe that pace hasn’t worked for you in the past because it fucking sucks. A slow burn, while agonizing and anxiety-inducing, may be exactly what you need right now. Just let nature take its course and see how it is currently working for you.
Time to light a fire under your ass, Cancer. If we’re being truly honest here, which we always are, you’ve been coasting these past couple of weeks. We are experts at identifying that because we’ve been coasting our entire lives. But sometimes, adulthood calls for actual attempt put forth on your component, and this is one of those periods. Make this one of those productive weekends that actually leaves you feeling fulfilled rather than full of existential dreaded arrive Sunday night. No truly, it’s possible.
Time to spread your wings, Leo. You’ve been feeling cramped recently and the only route to fixing that is to get out of your convenience zone and ensure what else life has to offer. This doesn’t have to be as extreme of a transformation as it sounds; sometimes only one change to your general routine can be enough to right yourself. Mundanity is the source of your discomfort here, so try shaking things up a bit. If it doesn’t feel like you’re moving big enough, slowly work your style up until things start to feel right. The sky is the limit and you get to decide when to call it.
Hate to break it to you Virgo, but if you’re unhappy with your circumstances, incessant bitching won’t actually solve them. Wild, right? As cathartic as it can be to vent to you friends, there comes a phase where your venting is actually just complaining, and everyone is over it. You are the only one who can change your situation. Stop waiting for life to swoop in and right itself and start working towards something that builds you happy. Sorry for the dose of reality, but it’s only because we care. Love you. Mean it.
Life’s hard out there for a Libra, huh? This week it seems like no matter what you did, you somehow got shit on for it. While infuriating, it’s important to remember that weeks like these are few and far between and sometimes you just have to accept that you’re going to be the whipping boy for a little bit. You’ve endured enough abuse the past five days to earn you a free ticket this weekend for whatever indulgent experience your heart desires. Mend that wounded ego and be ready to get back out into the ring next week.
You’re at a crossroads, Scorpio. You can either move along the way things are which, admittedly, aren’t terrible but also could be better. Or you can take a chance and stray down that route that’s been seducing you for a while now. This track, while arousing, builds no promises and could just as easily lead to a dead end. What’s a girl to do? Spend the next couple days trying to come to a decision. Remember: pros and cons list are your friend.
You can’t win ’em all, Sagittarius. Sometimes it’s best to take the L, retreat gracefully, and then tend to your wounds in the safety and privacy of your home. This weekend it’s time to recognize that, although you put up a good fighting, it’s hour for you to bow out. It’s going to feel a lot bigger of a bargain than it really is, but I promise that no one will be as focused on this as you. Everyone is too wrapped up in their own shit to be worried about you, and the sooner we all accept this the sooner we can maybe secure an ounce of peace in our lives.
Looking for some direction in life, Capricorn? Same bitch, the fuck. I recognize that you came to read this horoscope maybe in the hopes that it would offer you some of that much-needed direction, but candidly, sometimes you gotta figure this shit out for yourself. Deep down, you know what it is that you want and now you’re just waiting for some kind of cosmic sign to confirm it. Well if that’s what you want, I’ll give it to you. This is your great message from the universe telling you to go for it, but realistically you’re the one who’s going to have to sit down and work for it. We have faith in you, so all that’s actually left here is for you to get to it.
Honestly, Aquarius , no one knows how you’re still functioning, and yet you maintain shocking people day in and day out by waking up and running about life. It is truly awe-inducing. Putting up a front is what you’re best at, but it wouldn’t hurt to take a infringe from it sometimes and actually exhibit one of the 700 roaring feelings that’s brewing below that Stepford Wife surface. The peril here is that you snap and unleash all of them on some unassuming spectator, so be sure you’re in a safe space before experimenting with this.
What’s good, Pisces? Not a lot, from what we can tell. Sure, the past couple of days haven’t been the best, but fall is coming and it’s all about new beginnings. Don’t let a few rough days sour your weekend. All you can do is wake up tomorrow and try your best to make it a good day. After a while, you won’t have to try so hard, and eventually you won’t have to try at all. Remember: unbridled optimism is merely built possible by things like healthy sleeping habits and limitless coffee, so be sure to get yourself both.
Most people dream of a white Christmas, with a thick, shimmering layer of fresh snow blanketing the world, wrapping everything you know in a cozy embracing. It’s a beautiful, quiet scene — a scene that’s best enjoyed from indoors, with a warm beaker of coffee( Irish or otherwise ), and a warm fire roaring in the fireplace. If you’re homeless, however, a white Christmas can fucking assassination you.
We spoke to Brock Lee, who coordinates a year-round U.K. charity that holds holiday events to help homeless people when they need it most. This is the time of year when people at the least claim to think about the less fortunate( largely to avoids late-night ghost visits ), so we thought it’d be nice to talk to somebody who attains helping the needy a full-time chore 😛 TAGEND
# 5. People Treat The Homeless As Props
These charities exist to help people with serious problems. They do not exist to round up sideshows and parade them around for gawkers, or to help regular folks gain perspective on their own lives. Amazingly , not everyone is aware of this.
Parents are the worst offenders, according to Lee. Raising a functional human is hard, and quite a few people would love to outsource the job. So if their snowflakes are rowdy and hard to handle, why not take them to a charity and stimulate them dish out food to smelly people for an hour?
“Can you guys please hurry up? Mom said I could get an Xbox after this.”
“You get those people who want to ‘scare straight’ their children by having them give homeless people meals for an hour at Christmas, ” tells Lee. “I gently explain to them that our shiftings are seven hours for completely valid reasons( mainly to prevent this sort of behaviour) and that we can’t have[ people] under 16 volunteering with us for insurance reasons( some of our guests aren’t allowed to be around young people, and my job is to help them , not some kid ). On occasion, parents take offense to this, so I( less gently) explain that we aren’t operating a fucking zoo.”
Just to be clear — after you drop off the children somewhere appropriate, please do run help at a place like this. It will be one of the most rewarding things you’ll do during the holidays, and it’s badly needed. But be prepared to devote a good chunk of the working day to it. They don’t want tourists, or people who just want a feel-good story to tell the next day at the office. And …
# 4. Don’t Expect Everyone To Be Grateful
Unsurprisingly, compassion fatigue is common among charity employees. “You get a moment where you can’t build an emotional attachment anymore.” Charity workers do long hours to prepare for Christmas — Lee worked an average of 60 hours per week during December. After all that endeavour, it’s still not enough.
“We actually don’t have the ability to house people over Christmas. We have to set people out at the end of the night, even if we know they have nowhere to go. So last year, we had someone who cycled like 50 miles to the center in the hopes of having somewhere to sleep. It was dark, cold, and late, and I had to explain to him that the best we could do was get someone to check on him in the night to make sure he was alive and perhaps get him a night the next day. It’s heartbreaking to see that look in someone’s eyes and know you let them down.”
“We’ll bring the bike in for you though, so it doesn’t get stolen. This is a hipster neighborhood.”
Also, even the most downtrodden among us will find ways to test the patience of those trying to help 😛 TAGEND
“There are also the people who will only look for reasons to be assholes. This one guy was angry that we wouldn’t give him bus fare home at the end of the working day. Now, this was Christmas day and bus weren’t operating, so we all knew full well he didn’t want the money for the bus. He kicked off and demanded to see my director. I explained that I was the head of the event and government decisions was mine to attain but if he wanted file complaints I would help him fill out the form. He rejected, told me to go fuck myself, and left. Then two weeks later, he was at another event in the center, told I was an awesome guy, and gave me a card that had some weird symbol on it, claiming that it would get me out of difficulty if I depicted it to folks. I think he thought it was an Illuminati get-out-of-jail-free card.”
So the all-seeing eye can attain his parking tickets disappear, but can’t assist that poor guy get three meals a day ?
There was another guest who Lee says worked hard for six years, improving his life and finding a job, a place to live, and whatnot. Lee felt proud and happy for this guy. Then one day, out of the blue, the man came to the center and threatened staff with violence. In a matter of moments, he threw away six years of hard work. That was a sad moment for Lee, who is still a bit new, but for everyone else is currently working on the center, it was no surprise at all. “Everyone had a ‘bound to happen’ attitude about it.”
Remember, these people are homeless for a reason. We don’t mean “because they’re jerks and deserve it”; we mean that mental illness and substance abuse issues operate rampant. If you reserve your charitable feelings only for those capable of demonstrating gratitude in some satisfying way, you’ll be forgetting the ones who need help the most. They demonstrate their gratitude by still being alive the next time Christmas comes around.
They’re cold and starved; they don’t have the energy to pat you on the back .
# 3. Donations Are Bizarrely Random
Giving away food and clothes to the needy is, shockingly , not a profitable venture. That means operations like Lee’s depend on the generosity of strangers, and that can be the very definition of a mixed bag. For instance, 4 tons of clothes show up each year of their own accord, but about three-fourths is too old, tatty, or moldy to actually give to anyone. On top of that, some people give away outright creepy things. PSA: Please don’t give away your child’s used underwear. Someone has to sift through all those mountains of clothes and randomly discover worn-out kid’s underwear — it’s creepy and uncomfortable.
And then there’s the random game of roulette that is food donations. “[ One year] a school had leftover chocolate. They had an event where they couldn’t give away the chocolate and want to get donate it to us. It was two days before Christmas. They brought a box of chocolate that wouldn’t fit through the doors . … It had 10,000 chocolate Christmas decorates, like little stars, 400 2-inch tall chocolate bears, and 75 6-inch rabbits. We dedicated away everything at bingo tournaments. For about two days, all I eat was chocolate.”
The things people give away often reveal parts of their lives. Sometimes, you’ll know a family is mourning because a few boxes of random goods arrive. The donors clearly grabbed whatever is accountable to Mom and Dad and stuck it in a box without going through it. Opening these boxes can be very poignant. The boxes can also contain random stuff they probably didn’t mean to give away — Lee has received jewelry and old passports.
What charities require most, though, is money, and getting that out of people is a bit harder. “We try to turn everything into a fundraising possibility . … We can’t sell shit, so we must ask people for money.[ We] did a Christmas carol service in the mall[ and] created 1,200 pounds from that. All homeless or ex-homeless were singing. The concert devotes them a good sense of confidence and self-worth, which is really important to moving on.”
The crowd didn’t even give them shit for missing the high C in “Silent Night.”
And stuff like that is literally a life and death issue for these people. That’s because …
Most people dream of a white Christmas, with a thick, shimmering layer of fresh snow blanketing the world, wrapping everything you know in a cozy embracing. It’s a beautiful, quiet scene — a scene that’s best enjoyed from indoors, with a warm beaker of coffee( Irish or otherwise ), and a warm flame roaring in the fireplace. If you’re homeless, however, a white Christmas can fucking assassination you.
We spoke to Brock Lee, who coordinates a year-round U.K. charity that holds holiday events to help homeless people when they need it most. This is the time of year when people at the least claim to think about the less fortunate( mostly to avoids late-night ghost visits ), so we thought it’d be nice to talk to somebody who attains helping the needy a full-time chore 😛 TAGEND
# 5. People Treat The Homeless As Props
These charities exist to help people with serious problems. They do not exist to round up sideshows and parade them around for gawkers, or to help regular folks gain view on their own lives. Astonishingly , not everyone is aware of this.
Parents are the worst offenders, according to Lee. Creating a functional human is hard, and quite a few people would love to outsource the job. So if their snowflakes are rowdy and hard to handle, why not take them to a charity and build them dish out food to smelly people for an hour?
“Can you guys please hurry up? Mom said I could get an Xbox after this.”
Just to be clear — after you drop off the children somewhere appropriate, please do go help at a place like this. It will be one of the most rewarding things you’ll do during the holidays, and it’s poorly needed. But be prepared to devote a good chunk of the working day to it. They don’t want tourists, or people who just want a feel-good story to tell the next day at the office. And …
# 4. Don’t Expect Everyone To Be Grateful
Unsurprisingly, compassion fatigue is common among charity employees. “You get a moment where you can’t build an emotional attachment anymore.” Charity workers do long hours to prepare for Christmas — Lee worked an average of 60 hours per week during December. After all that endeavor, it’s still not enough.
“We’ll bring the motorcycle in for you though, so it doesn’t get stolen. This is a hipster neighborhood.”
Also, even the most downtrodden among us will find ways to test the patience of those trying to help 😛 TAGEND So the all-seeing eye can induce his parking tickets vanish, but can’t assistance that poor guy get three meals a day ?
There was another guest who Lee tells worked hard for six years, improving his life and finding a job, a place to live, and whatnot. Lee felt proud and happy for this guy. Then one day, out of the blue, the man came to the center and threatened staff with violence. In a matter of moments, he hurled away six years of hard work. That was a sad moment for Lee, who is still a bit new, but for everyone else working at the center, it was no astound at all. “Everyone had a ‘bound to happen’ attitude about it.”
Remember, these individuals are homeless for a reason. We don’t mean “because they’re jerks and deserve it”; we mean that mental illness and substance abuse issues run rampant. If you reserve your charitable impressions only for those capable of demonstrating gratitude in some satisfying way, you’ll be forgetting the ones who need help the most. They demonstrate their gratitude by still being alive the next time Christmas comes around.
They’re cold and starved; they don’t have the energy to pat you on the back .
# 3. Donations Are Bizarrely Random
Giving away food and clothes to the needy is, shockingly , not a profitable venture. That means operations like Lee’s depend on the generosity of strangers, and that can be the very definition of a mixed bag. For instance, 4 tons of clothes show up per year of their own accord, but about three-fourths is too old, tatty, or moldy to actually give to anyone. On top of that, some people give away outright creepy things. PSA: Please don’t give away your child’s used underwear. Someone has to sift through all those mountains of clothes and randomly discover worn-out kid’s underwear — it’s creepy and uncomfortable.
And then there’s the random game of roulette that is food donations. “[ One year] local schools had leftover chocolate. They had an event where they couldn’t give away the chocolate and want to get donate it to us. It was two days before Christmas. They brought a box of chocolate that wouldn’t fit through the doors . … It had 10,000 chocolate Christmas decorations, like little starrings, 400 2-inch tall chocolate bears, and 75 6-inch rabbits. We devoted away everything at bingo tournaments. For about two days, all I ate was chocolate.”
The things people give away often reveal parts of their lives. Sometimes, you’ll know a family is mourning because a few boxes of random goods arrive. The donors clearly grabbed whatever is accountable to Mom and Dad and stuck it in a box without going through it. Opening these boxes are very significantly poignant. The boxes can also contain random stuff they probably didn’t mean to give away — Lee has discovered jewelry and old passports.
What charities require most, though, is money, and get that out of people is a bit harder. “We try to turn everything into a fundraising opportunity . … We can’t sell shit, so we must ask people for money.[ We] did a Christmas carol service in the mall[ and] created 1,200 pounds from that. All homeless or ex-homeless were singing. The concert gives them a good sense of confidence and self-worth, which is really important to moving on.”
The crowd didn’t even give them shit for missing the high C in “Silent Night.”
And stuff like that is literally a life and death issue for these people. That’s because …
You probably already know that movie and TV characters are formulaic. But what you may not realize is that everything about them is some sort of shorthand. And almost none of it constructs sense. Don’t believe us? Don’t worry, we drew you some diagrams.