Important Life Lessons We Can All Learn From Stassi Schroeder

Yesterday

While betches are known for their endless supply of crazy boundless creativity, we’re also lazy as fuck and occasionally want guidance on how to best wrecking the lives of those around us achieve our goals. Enter the canon of on-screen how-to guides on peak betch behavior: believe Summer Roberts, Blair Waldorf, and now, Stassi Schroeder. These females, while wholly unhinged admittedly flawed, are true innovators in the world of scheming, appearing hot, and generally getting your style. As a recent convert to the cult of Stassi( all hail leader of globe ), I’m here to share some of the most important things I’ve learned.

On Saying Sorry

Some milder different forms of sociopath lesser beings have espoused the saying “act first and apologize later.” Stassi, as per usual, takes things one step further: act first and apologize never. If backed into a corner about slapping people or stealing their telephones her latest actions, she exclusively addresses her own emotions and/ or current requires until people give up on get any admission of remorse. Apologies are for people who want it on record that they’ve done something wrong–Stassi Schroeder has no interest in belonging to that category.

On Dressing For Success

Stassi’s outfit takedowns are magnificent. Not only are they spot-on and deeply mean, they basically skip past the outfit wholly and go straight for character assassination. A bad outfit isn’t just an aesthetic failing; it’s a reason to discredit anything that comes out of that person’s mouth.

Scheana: ** shows up in a turban **
Stassi : you’re wearing that, you lost already

Stassi’s also big on using attire as another way to establish her dominance, like when she designates one of Sur’s uniform colors as “hers, ” or when she half-jokingly uninvites Kristina from her birthday for looking too good in every bikini she tries on. Merely one can be the best-dressed betch; are actively involved like Stassi and make sure it’s you.

On Showing Weakness

Stassi Schroeder, like all betches worth analyzing, is like a tiger lion whatever animal is at the top of a given food chain and assaults wounded animals. She surrounds herself with success , not failing, and she has no time for your dead weight.

Scheana : ** picks up her crutches to go **
Stassi : hobble away bitch

This attitude is both fear-inspiring for those working hoping to appeal to her pity( sorry, Stassi’s sympathy can’t come to the phone right now ), and saves her the nuisance of doing things like listening to other people’s problems. When Jax called Stassi about a “cancer scare” and she responded by calling him a complete idiot and throwing out all his protein powder, do you think he was tempted to bellow her from his sickbed again? No, he was not. You don’t approach Stassi from a place of weakness unless you’re looking to be destroyed–not to complain about your cheating boyfriend , not to whine about your struggle to launching a sweater line, and certainly not to discuss your “recovery” from oral surgery.

On Drinking

Finally, Stassi is the queen of constantly drinking without get shit for it from her friends. This could have something to do with the fact that she’s a high-functioning alcoholic refused to ever address it( see above ), or only that she’s so batshit sober you can’t tell the difference. Either way, the phrases “workplace” or “9am” don’t have their usual “probs shouldn’t get wasted” connotations when it comes to Stassi, and she manages to do shit like carry around mini wine bottles in her purse without her friends voicing any fear. If I so much as chug a bottle of wine at my desk suggest Monday night cocktails, I get a judgmental text about “getting up early for SoulCycle, ” so I’m personally very impressed with Stassi on this front. In drinking and in life( is there really a difference ?), Stassi is the unapologetic, fearsome betch you always dreamed of being. You’re welcome for the starter pack.

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How To Survive The Full Work Week: Weekly Horoscopes

2 days ago

Lucky for all signs this week, everything is pretty cold. Sure, last week you were basically on vacation all week long even if you were technically at work. Who just sets Fourth of July on a Tuesday? Thanks, 2017. This week is one of slow transitions , nothing should feel too out of place and Mercury isn’t in retrograde or some shit so don’t worry about your whole world getting a shake up. It’s cool, it’s calm, it’s super casual. Basically, it’s your normal life in the most normal route possible.

Aries

Um, do you feel a Pinterest project coming on? As the artisan of the zodiac, you’re feeling especially craft the coming week. Even if you don’t usually DIY, hosting your own paint and sip or something will scratch that creative itch while giving you a chill route to drink with your friends. Let’s face it, after last week, you might need a slight breaking from reaching it so hard and your billfold could use the violate too. Find a way to be creative and social while also drinking fros. You’re not a bore harlot, you’re only more into the kick back than the rage for this week. Totally fine.

Taurus

Your pace is pretty quick. You’re all over the place simply living life, running errands, and trying to maintain an active social calendar. You’re quick to say what’s on your intellect this week, which is probably a pretty good thing. You’re not about to beat around the bush with some creepy guy who keeps @-ing you on Tinder. You’re also not going to let your coworkers stroll all over you as they try to slip out for more summertime fun while you encompass their transformations. You ain’t about that life the coming week. Standing the fuck up for yourself now will let everyone know where they stand with you once and for all.

Gemini

As per usual, Gemini betches are split between two lives this week. Half of you wants to hurl some cash around. After all, you work fucking hard for that fund and basically deserve to splurge. The other half of you is worried about having the funding to do something you really wishes to do in the future. Split the difference this week. Do some shopping or whatever makes you happy, but then put a decent chunk in savings so you can afford that analyze abroad semester or lengthy Caribbean vacation or whatever it is you have your eye on in the future. Don’t worry about going all cold turkey on not spending anything so you can have something in the future. A girl’s gotta eat, right?

Cancer

The Sun and Mars are basically giving you shoots of bee pollen this week, entailing you’ll are particularly energized without ever having to see a sketchy LA doctor who inoculates you with that shit in a furnish closet. Wait, what. NVM. Anyway, you’ll have a lot of energy to keep the summer fun of last week rolling into this week. This week you’ll reach meditation high levels of lucidity so you know exactly what aims you want to reach and how to get there. Plus, you’ll have enough energy to start putting some of those plans into action. Nice.

Leo

You feel, like, really weirdly off your game this week. As a Leo, you usually want to be the life of the party with lots of attention and a take-charge posture. This week, you’re various kinds of okay will taking a back seat on pretty much all of it. Sure, it’ll feeling super weird and like you’ve entirely lost your mojo because you’re not out and about really going after everything you want. It’s chill, though. With your birthday around the corner, you’ll be well-rested to hit it hard and get back to 100% you.

Virgo

You’ve been grinding away lately without anyone actually taking notification. Which is fine, it’s not like you NEED the attention or anything. Whatever. Well, the coming week, all your hard work will come to fruition and pay out some big dividends. Whether it’s just good karma or an actual create at work, it’s about hour you got recognized for not calling in sick when you’re simply hungover and for always asking your boss if they want a coffee when you’re out get your own. In fact, results of all that tedious attempt will be bigger than you even imagined.

Libra

Like, how may period did you see? If “theyre saying” just once, I don’t actually believe you because you’re really going for it with the superhero stance this week. You’re not backing down from big challenges and the position of the Sun is casting a flattering light on you for pretty much what it is you do. Even if you’re truly not doing anything different, boss, friends and basically everybody else will see you as super. Don’t try to fight it and merely use all of that fun attention to your best advantage.

Scorpio

You’ve been having, like, really deep and intellectual dialogues lately and you’re entirely not mad about it. This week, your craving to learn will increase. Like, you might even want to pick up a non-fiction work instead of your regular best-seller beach read before heading out on your next vacation. Your desire to know more about the world and others around you is entirely heightened. Kind of like how Kylie want to get “realize stuff” that one time, except, you actually will be doing that and no one will roast you for it.

Sagittarius

With Venus opposite your sign, you’re all about the bargain this week. Not like, shoppingwell, I guess that too. But your the terms of reference of negotiation will be on phase. Want to rework your schedule in the office? This is a great week to plead your example and ask for some more vacation. Also, if you have an impending DTR with a summertime fling that kind of turned into more this early in the season, just go for it. Your powers of persuasion will make sure what it is you want the relation to be will become a reality.

Capricorn

After a July 4th week of a lot of social interactions with acquaintances and people you don’t actually give a shit about, your focus on your besties and family will return the coming week. Be forewarned, Mars is making you a little more judgmental of the life options of others. If you can’t keep your strong sentiments to yourself, try to put a little space between you and the person you’re casting shade on for a minute. Some day apart will give you a better perspective.

Aquarius

With Mercury opposite your sign, you really feel like your opinion is the most important and valid in the room. You might want to put that attitude in check at work before tensions with a coworker arise. Don’t maintain that shit bottled up, though. Picking a trusted source to ventilate to is especially important so you don’t, like, explosion. Likewise, don’t operate your mouth to just anyone. Not all betches can be trusted the coming week. Especially since most people are kind of bored with their own lives and would like nothing more than to stir the pot.

Pisces

The party is following you wherever you go. You’re fun, flirty and attention-grabbing this week. Hell, blame the summer hot, but even your sex drive is up. Part of all this constructs you panic because you feel like you should be working harder and striving for you goals nonstop. Hey, give yourself a little break for the next few weeks. You’ll get back on track with the plans for the future and all of that shit before summer is over. You rarely take time to just enjoy your life and live in the moment so that’s basically all that should be on your agenda right now.

Read more: www.betches.com

Let The Roasting Begin: ‘Real Homemakers Of New York’ Reunion Part 1 Recap

8 days ago

It’s the first part of the Season 9 reunion of, and for those of you who don’t watch religiously( how dare you ), that entails it’s finally the episode where they all kind of have to admit the shit we’ve been saying about them all season. It’s kind of a Bravo tradition that the first installment of a reunion is never the most exciting one, but everyone was super annoying this season, so there’s sure to be tons of brutal callouts. Plus, the reunion is at the Angel Orensanz Foundation, which might be the sickest venue that a reunion has ever had. So like, if you get bored, only look at the nice decoration. Idk.

Although reunions are generally a time in which the casting is supposed to show some level of repentance for an entire season’s worth of heinous actions, I’d just like to point out that Tinsley is clearly rocking a “NO RAGRETS” attitude towards her constantly criticized horrible style. Homegirl’s dressed like the damn teapot from.

Ramona is the first one to take the hot seat.( Which, again, if you’re new to reunions, isn’t an actual seat. The couch seat scheme is basically as carefully thought-out and rigid as the cafeteria layout in .) Although this betch is certifiably crazy, you have to admit that she seems totally incredible .* Lindsay Lohan voice* I entail, everybody looks great tonight. Appear at Ramona Singer, that dress is amazing and those hair extensions must have expensed thousands.

Anyway, Ramona’s like, perfect proof that seems aren’t everything, because her highlighting reel is cringeworthy AF. She basically has to sit on a couch with six other women and watch video footage of them talking shit about her. Yikes. At least Ramona can agree that she was totally batshit all season, though.

Ramona : Watching it on Tv, it’s like, holy shit, who is that woman?

Next Ramona addresses her plastic surgery history and talks about how she’s had her eyelids done, laser sunspot therapy and a boob job. But like, there’s got to be some medication that’s only legal in the Southern Hemisphere, or something, because this chick does not seem 60.

Ramona claims that she’s definitely not as bad as she seemed all season, but Bethenny is patently here with some serious tea. She calls out Ramona for not recognise her assistant in an elevator the night before the reunion taping and before B can even finish detailing the run-in, Ramona’s immediately like, “well, when you grow up abused !! ” Bethenny goes off on her and I am thanking the Bravo gods that the peaceful makeup between these two didn’t last. This shit is way more entertaining.

Ramona: Well, why didn’t they say hi to me?
Bethenny : They were INTIMIDATED! You got your tits hanging out! Your crazy eyes! You’re a horror indicate!

While Bethenny is on a roll of running off on people, Andy asks her if she’d ever be interested in opening a friendship with Jill Zarin. Skinny Girl is not fucking having it. She calls Andy out for asking her the same question literally every, Hanukkah, birthday, anniversary, and reunion and he just like, switchings questions.

Side note : Every single Housewife is in a relationship right now. So yes, daughters, you, too can grow up to blackout on every possible occasion and still find love. Bless up.

Next up on the chopping board is Dorinda, who was totally my favourite this season.( I know that journalists are supposed to be like, objective or whatever, but if the is allowed to straight-up be like “Yo, FUCK Trump, ” then I think it’s okay for me to say Dorinda is my favorite, right ?)

I kind of forgot about the fact that a big chunk of Dorinda’s storyline this season was focused on her conflict with Sonja, because it was so effing boring. However, I’m fairly glad we got to see the “CLIP! CLIP! Clip! ” clip again, because it’s definitely a phrase that is going to go down in Housewives history.

Dorinda tries to explain what that actually meant, but the truth is that it was basically merely nonsensical, drunk term vomit.

Dorinda : I couldn’t halting the verbal waterboarding.

Dorinda had some fairly legendary one-liners this season, including referring to Sonja’s vagina as the Holland Tunnel. LOL. Sonja starts to try to defend her Holland Tunnel, but everyone cuts her off because we all know there’s really no phase in that.

A viewer sends in a question asking Dorinda if she observes it hypocritical that she always calls Sonja out for being drunk all of the time, even though she is usually so smashed herself that she requires subtitles. Dorinda’s just like, “nah, I don’t pretend that I don’t love to beverage, like Sonja does.” And, THAT, my friends, is why she is my favorite Housewife this season.

The final Housewife to get roasted this episode is Luann, and I’m actually concerned that I might have pulled an extraocular muscle rolling my eyes during this part. She basically just goes on her typical marital bliss rant, which is just so sad to watch because we all know that she just recently announced that she’s divorcing Tom.

Luann : Right now, I like being Luann D’Agostino
Literally everyone else: Um … right now? Not forever?

BTW, apparently Luann is wearing the dress from her bridal rehearsal dinner.

It’s finally revealed that Sonja did in fact receive a save the date to Luann’s wedding, but then she started talking shit in the press about good ol’ Lu, and the former Countess held back the real bridal invitation. So, even though Sonja is entirely nuts, she wasn’t lying about the fact that she technically was invited to the wedding.

Andy : Has anyone heard anything about Luann and Tom since they got married?
Everyone runs silent. Lol, yikes.

Bethenny goes off on a tangent about how talking about Tom’s “indiscretions” is basically as pointless as talking about Trump’s tweets, which is a fairly valid point.

As far as the first part of reunions run, this one wasn’t altogether horrible, I guess.

Read more: www.betches.com

6 Famous People You Admire( Who Are Secretly Terrible)

13 days ago

As Louisa May Alcott, the author of Little Women , once noted, it’s never a good notion to meet your idols. And considering that she was a money-loving drug addict, she probably knew what she was talking about. If there’s some artist, athlete, cook, or whatever who really inspires you, don’t try to find out what they’re really like as people. At best, you’re going to be disillusioned. At worst, you might find out something that will really break your heart, like that Bill Nye once violated 88 orphans’ legs during a meth bargain gone wrong. Don’t worry, we attained that one up, but here are some that are completely real …

6

The Clintons Used African-American Prison Labor Whilst Living In The Governor’s Mansion

During the 2016 general elections, the media constructed sure to keep us constantly aware of every single flaw or inadequacy surrounding Hillary Clinton, from her inexpert handled in emails to her dreadful Ellen dance moves. But there’s one little thing that no one thought to bring up: She, uh, had slaves at one point. Yeah.

Back before the Clintons occupied the White House, they were residents of the governor’s manor in Arkansas( what with Bill being governor and all ). In Hillary’s 1996 volume It Takes A Village , she made an offhand remark about how they had applied unpaid prison labor, principally “African-American men in their thirties, ” to help around the house. Don’t worry, this was part of a “longstanding tradition” — which is an excuse that has never, ever been used to justify terrible actions.

How is this even a thing? Well, according to a caveat in the 13th Amendment( the only amendment we fought a war over ), Americans can’t be enslaved … except as penalty for international crimes . The government tends to avoid the actual word “slavery” to describe this policy, but the Constitution itself doesn’t screw around with semantics 😛 TAGEND United States Congress
Cut it out with that “whereof” shit, though. We get it, you’re cultured .

Clinton doesn’t devote any show in the book that she saw this situation( black humen being forced to serve rich white politicians) as kinda problematic. Instead she takes the opportunity to discuss how “apprehensive” she was about having scary black crooks in her house, until she learned that they weren’t so scary after all. This would be a heartwarming memoir if it was written in the 1800 s, but like we said, this volume “re coming out” in 1996 . That’s 14 years after “Ebony And Ivory” cured racism eternally, so there’s really no excuse.

This all builds the Clintons sound less like progressive Democrats and more like one of the less-shitty white characters from 12 Years A Slave . And although the book had been out for 20 years, somehow nobody — not in the media , not even from the Trump opposition research team — built note of this until a random Twitter user posted about it in June 2017.( We would certainly never suggest that Trump read about this and said, “So? What’s wrong with slavery? ” That would be cheap of us .)

5

Michael Jordan Is A Hyper-Competitive Jerk

If you so much as touched a basketball as a kid, you wanted to be like Michael Jordan. He’s one of the biggest childhood role model ever, both in impact and stature. But how much do you know about him, besides the fact that he’s truly good at B-ball and once teamed up with Bill Murray to help Bugs Bunny fight aliens? If you said “not much, ” that’s likely for the best.

There are plenty of stories of Jordan being a big bald bully. According to an anonymous ex-teammate interviewed by Sports Illustrated , Jordan would scream “You’re a loser! You’ve always been a loser! ” at fellow Chicago Bulls player Rodney McCray during develop. McCray retired after one season with Jordan. There’s also an unconfirmed rumor that Jordan “ruined” Muggsy Bouges( who’s 5’3”) by calling him a “fucking midget” during a game. He may have inspired people to pick up a basketball, but it seems he also inspired some to drop it.

It’s the same off the court. Rapper Chamillionaire has an anecdote about gratifying Jordan at a charity event where he’d only expended $7,000 of his chafortune on an MJ jersey. As Mr. Riding Dirty himself recounted in a video, after asking Jordan if they could take a photo together, Jordan barked, “I ain’t taking images with no niggas.” Person else tried to defuse the situation by explaining who Chamillionaire was, but Jordan reportedly responded, “I don’t give a fuck.” Jordan then reconsidered, offering to take the photo … for $15,000.

OK, but perhaps he was having a bad day? Uh, in 2009, when Jordan was inducted into the Basketball Hall of Fame and the whole athletic got together to honor him, he devoted what might be the pettiest “Thank you” speech ever recorded. He spent 20 minutes ripping on people who intersected him since the beginning of his career — all the way back to high school. He even flew in a high school teammate, Leroy Smith, to humble him because their coach-and-four picked Smith and not him for the sophomore team.

ESPN
“Just kidding, man. Come up here and present the multi-million-dollar shoe line with your name. Oh wait.”

4

Legendary Physicist Richard P. Feynman Dabbled In Pick-Up Artistry

Before Carl Sagan and Neil DeGrasse Tyson, the pop star of science was Nobel-Prize-winning physicist Richard P. Feynman. He was a nerd, but he was also cool, dividing his time between discovering the secrets of the Universe and playing the bongos.

Feynman was also a real hit with the dames. Unfortunately, that didn’t mean that he had a high opinion of women. During his tenure as a professor at Caltech, he made so many sexist gags in his lectures that he triggered campus protests against him and inspired a nickname, “Richard ‘P for Pig’ Feynman.” And this was the 1950 s, when sexist jokes were basically background noise for most people.

His sex life was no less uncomfortable. In his autobiography, Surely You’re Joking, Mr. Feynman !, he joyously lays out his escapades, including all the techniques he learned from an early form of what’s now dubiously referred to as “pick-up artistry.” That’s right, Feynman was an early 20 th century version of the asshole who hangs out in bars and tries to hit on women by insulting — sorry, “negging” — them. As he describes in the book, he took on a mentor who taught him this 😛 TAGEND

Later, Feynman recounts an anecdote about the first time he applied these, uh, teaches. After a session at the bar, he took a stroll with a girl whom he’d befriended, who suggested they buy some coffee and sandwiches and then go back to her place. Score! But that’s when Feynman broke the cardinal regulation — he paid for the coffee and sandwiches himself. Worse than that, he’d bought sufficient food for three people, which was a big red flag. Sure enough, she then told him that another friend was going to be joining them. Female treachery! The Master was right!

So Feynman “recovered” the best route he knew how 😛 TAGEND

Now, we don’t know which dictionary Feynman was using, but we’re reasonably assured that “soliciting fund to not have sex” is kind of the opposite of a whore. In any case, Feynman claims that he still boned her later. And likely her supermodel friend. No wait, they were twins. Yep.

3

David Foster Wallace Was A Really Creepy Stalker

We’re loathe to go after David Foster Wallace, the guy who wrote possibly the greatest commencement speech in the history of higher education. He was awesome, his life was tragic, and excavating for skeletons in his closet is like looking for a pile of dead hobos in Mr. Rogers’ basement. But in any case, it must be said that Wallace had … kind of some issues with women.

A biography by D.T. Max reveals that Wallace, the patron saint of literature, was a relentless bully to his younger sister growing up. We’re not talking about calling her names or defacing her Barbies; he punched her so hard that he knocked her teeth out, and then dragged her hobble body through “the excrement left by their dog.” Ah, boys will be boys, right?

Max goes on to detail the creepy and outright abusive relationship that he had with his future girlfriend, poet Mary Karr. According to Max’s biography, Wallace’s courtship of Karr was less Nicholas Sparks and more Fatal Attraction . Karr was married with a child when they met and knocked back his advances, but Wallace wouldn’t have it. His attempts to woo her included illustrate up at her house and workplace unannounced, lying to their reciprocal friends about them having an affair, and turning up at a party he wasn’t invited to with a new shoulder tattoo of Karr’s name and a heart. His approach to romance was basically Sideshow Bob stalking Bart.

Somehow, Wallace and Karr did start having an affair, but his creepiness didn’t end there. At one point, according to Max, Wallace became so thwarted with Karr’s reluctance to divorce her husband that he called an ex-con about buying a firearm so he could kill him.

Even after this affair ended( thankfully without anyone get murdered ), Wallace remained a sex fiend for the rest of his life. He boned his female students, he boned the women in his narcotic recovery sessions, and he boned the “audience pussy, ” as he privately described the fans of his work. Reportedly, he once told fellow novelist Jonathan Franzen that he felt his life’s purpose was to “to put[ his] penis in as many vaginas as possible.” To us, he’ll probably always be that cool writer guy who once made a really relatable life metaphor about fish.

2

Lou Reed Was A Violent, Racist, Woman-Beating Prick

Nobody really expects rock musicians to be nice people. The Velvet Underground frontman Lou Reed, however, was more than an asshole. According to a recent biography written by Howard Sounes, he was some kind of ogre .

Sounes doesn’t use the word softly. After Reed’s death in 2013, Sounes, who was a huge fan, set out to write a glowing biography, for which he interviewed more than 140 people — and every single one of those interviews transgressed off another little piece of Sounes’ heart. Though he wanted to be as kind as possible to his musical hero, Sounes was forced “to go where the tale goes.” And here’s where the tale went: Reed was apparently a violent, racist, misogynistic fucking shit. It’s known that he once told a journalist, “I don’t like niggers like Donna Summer”( and that should have been kind of a red flag right there ), but according to those who knew him, he wore his racism on his sleeve. At one point, he referred to Bob Dylan as a “pretentious kike.” Yes, the guy who once released an hour of guitar feedback called someone else “pretentious.”

Reed’s relationships with women were more violent than a mosh pit. His ex-wife Bettye Kronstad told Sounes that Reed would occasionally get mad and pin her against a wall, shake her, made her, and “then one time he actually gave me a black eye.” She wasn’t the only one. According to one of his childhood friends, Reed would often beat his girlfriends in public when they said something that irritated him. When the spouse of the( presumably former) friend said something about it, Reed started making her too. Because Reed was an equal opportunity misogynist.

When Sounes approached filmmaker Paul Morrissey for an interview, Morrissey indicated for the book that “You need a good title like The Hateful Bitch [ or] The Worst Person Who Ever Lived . Something that says this isn’t a biography of a great human being, because he was not … He was a stupid, disgusting, awful human being.” As Sounes recounted, “The word that kept coming up was prick. Girlfriends called him a pricking, people he was at school with called him a pricking; people in his band called him a prick.”

But man, wasn’t White Light/ White Heat a great album?

1

Roald Dahl Kind Of Tried To Justify The Holocaust

Roald Dahl introduced generations of kids to the sorcery of reading through his whimsical fictions about chocolate mills, friendly giants, and unsettlingly big fruit. Thankfully, one theme he never snuck into our prepubescent brains was his opinions about Jews. At least , not that we’re aware of.( Perhaps those pointy snouts in The Witches are more offensive than we thought ?)

We’ve discussed already how Charlie And The Chocolate Factory is low-key racist — in the original version, the Oompa-Loompas weren’t orange dwarves, but a slave workforce of African pygmies. Well, racism is a bit like cockroach poop: When you watch a little bit of it, too often you can look behind the fridge and find an infestation.

First off, according to a recent biography, Dahl was a deeply unpleasant human to begin with. He carried on several affairs behind his wife’s back, was rude to everyone he met, and( much like Dr. Seuss) didn’t care much for children. Dahl didn’t write exclusively for children, but when he did, he pretty much merely did it for the paycheck as, like he told another author at a party, you can much write anything and “The little bastards’d swallow it.”

More concerning, though, were his thoughts on Jews. In a review of a volume about the 1982 intrusion of Lebanon by Israel, Dahl said this was the moment “we all started hating the Israelis, ” and questioned, “Must Israel, like Germany, be brought to her knees before she learns how to behave in this world? ” Before you point out that criticism of Israel isn’t inherently antisemitic, know that Dahl doubled down when he was questioned about his comments, helpfully clarifying that his animosity was, indeed, targeted specifically at Jews 😛 TAGEND

BBC
“It’s not like he was Hitler or something.”

This is the point in any interview where you really need to decide to stop talking. But Dahl went on to elaborate how he guessed the Jews kind of had the whole Holocaust thing coming because, according to his version of history, it never passed to them to fight back. “I mean, if you and I were in a line moving towards what we knew were gas chamber, I’d rather have a go at taking one of the guards with me; but[ the Jews] were always submissive.”

But is all this enough to really label Roald Dahl an antisemite? Well, there’s also the interview he gave a few months before his death in which he literally described himself as “anti-Semitic.” There’s, you know, that.

S. Peter Davis is the creator of the Three Minute Philosophy YouTube series, and is the author of the book Occam’s Nightmare . Did you help an old lady to cross the street into a cavity of alligators? Here you go . Also check out 6 Celebrities Who Are Surprisingly Angry On Twitter and 5 Beloved Celebrities Who Were Nothing Like You Think . Are in favour of our YouTube channel, and check out 5 Famous Historical Figures Who Were Total Perverts, and watch other videos you won’t consider on the site ! Follow our new Pictofacts Facebook page, and we’ll follow you everywhere .

Get intimate with our new podcast Cracked Gets Personal. Subscribe for funny, fascinating episodes like Rape, Pee Funnels and The Dolphin: Female Soldiers Speak Up and Inside The Secret Epidemic Of Cops Shooting Dogs, available where you are get your podcasts .

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6 Insane True Stories Of Famous Things Invented In Dreams

14 days ago

When people say you should follow your dreams, they usually mean stuff like “go after your life’s objectives, ” and not “make out with a talking giraffe as your third-grade educator watches from a UFO( also, you’re Obama for some reason ). ” And yet, some geniuses have achieved success doing precisely that. Not the giraffe thing, specifically, but basing their entire careers on some crazy thing they ensure while fast asleep.

Here are six people who not only managed to remember their dreams for more than five seconds after waking up, but actually employed them to change their lives( or the freaking world ).

# 6. It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia Is Based On A Bizarre “Night Terror” The Creator Had

Before creating It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia , Rob McElhenney was likely best known as “teenager on property” in John Travolta’s A Civil Action . In 2004, he was living in a garage while trying to get by as one of the five billion unknown performers/ waiters who populate Hollywood. It was in this garage that he had a strange “night terror” about a human going to borrow some sugar from his friend, only to be told that his friend had cancer, putting the sugar-borrower in an uncomfortable situation. McElhenney described the experience as a “late-night sweating station” — a thoroughly inexplicable phrase that someone means “a great premise for a slapstick sketch.”

McElhenney scrounged together $200 and a couple of friends( his future Always Sunny co-stars Charlie Day and Glenn Howerton) and filmed the uncomfortable scene from his dreaming. Here it is( you can clearly see where every cent of that tremendous budget ran ):

Charlie Day’s eyeliner, yes .

The group took that and other homemade scenes and pitched them to FX, which immediately gave them a series. The network’s merely stipulations were for McElhenney to change the setting from Los Angeles and to add a character with boobs.

We are, of course, referring to Danny DeVito .

Ten seasons of putting horrible people in awkward situations later, McElhenney is directing the Minecraft movie and has another big-budget film in production with Legendary Painting. Presumably, he’s saved up enough to move out of that garage by now.

# 5. Larry Page Came Up With Google’s Main Algorithm While Sleeping

Searching for something on the Internet in the pre-Google days was like looking for a needle in an overflowing toilet — you could probably find it, but not before wading through piles of shit and catching a dozen viruses. Websites were ranked based on how many times they mentioned the term you were go looking for, which is why our site still says “Neve Campbell Denise Richards Wild Things” 87 hours in invisible text below this article.

All of that changed because of one guy and a weird dream he had about downloading the whole Internet.

It likely looked like this .

That guy was Larry Page, the future co-founder of Google. In 1996, the 23 -year-old Page had no intent of creating a search engine. He was a computer science student at Stanford University looking for a theme for his PhD dissertation. To give you an idea of the sort of topics he was considering, one of them “involved constructing a superlong rope that would run from the Earth’s surface all the way into orbit, inducing it cheaper to put objects in space.”

“And, like, what if birds had arms? Think about it. Whoa.”

Page eventually received a topic for his dissertation … in a dream. He literally woke up one night thinking he “could download the entire Web.” While most of us would have said “No, that’s stupid” and rolled over in bed, Page get up and started doing the math to figure out how to pull this off. The answer was: He couldn’t, patently. Even back in 1996, there was already more porn online than could ever be downloaded, let alone all of the rest of the stupid bullshit we clutter up the Internet with.

What Page could do was save all the links on the Web, and then use them to determine the relevance of any website by calculating how many others linked to it. Page and his friend Sergey Brin realized that the best use for this technology was to create a search engine, and so they soon unveiled a revolutionary new site: BackRub .

“Googling” was dangerously close to being called “rubbing one out.”

One fortunate name change subsequently, Google was born, and Page was on his route to becoming a billionaire.

# 4. Srinivasa Ramanujan Got His Groundbreaking Formulas From Frightening Nightmares

Srinivasa Ramanujan’s name is currently at the cutting edge of maths, which is pretty impressive when you consider that he’s been dead for 95 years. Despite having died in 1920 at the age of 32, the formulas he left behind have helped computers calculate Pi at trillions of digits and allowed physicists to understand black holes. But he didn’t come up with those formulae all on his own. He had help from his special dame, the Indian goddess Namagiri( also known as Lakshmi ).

That extra pair of hands allows you to do all sorts of math .

We’ve talked before about the Good Will Hunting -esque tale of a young Ramanujan arising as a result of the woods to kick the collective brainpower of the world’s finest mathematicians in the balls. However, we left out the weirdest proportion: All his crazy math slam dunks came to him — fully formed — in his dreams. All “hes to” do upon waking up was jot them down and check them. So , not unlike Stephanie Meyer, his career was founded on equal components cold calculation and maintaining a dreaming journal.

Now, “youre supposed to” associate “dreaming about math” with being naked in the classroom before the big test, but Ramanujan’s night vision were even more frightening than that. For example, he would be standing in front of a red screen made of flowing blood, which a disembodied hand would then write outcomes on. “They stuck to my mind, ” Ramanujan says, which is perhaps one of the gentlest understatements we have ever read.

“The darknes death specters’ thoughts on Pythagoras were quite convincing.”

Ramanujan credited these dreams to the goddess Namagiri. Regrettably, the deity was kind of lazy and didn’t provide him with mathematical proofs, merely the finished formulas. As a outcome, the finest mathematical intellects in the world have expended the past century confirming and trying to make sense of Ramanujan’s incredible formulas, and they’re still at it today. Meanwhile, Will Hunting is driving across the country in a Chevy Nova.

# 3. Frederick Banting Dreamed Up The Treatment For Diabetes

Back in 1920, the main therapy for diabetes was a starvation diet and positive reasoning, which was every bit as effective as it voices. Most children with the disease died within a year. One night, Frederick Banting, a young lecturer at the University of Western Ontario, read an article about diabetes before going to bed. Because that’s apparently what passes for light reading when you’re a bright-eyed professorial nominee in the thunder ‘2 0s.

“The Saturday Evening Post can get a little too intense.”

But then, while half asleep at 2 a.m ., Banting was abruptly kissed by the science muses. He scribbled down 25 terms outlining a crazy dream scheme of surgically tying up a dog’s pancreas to let it degenerate 😛 TAGEND The last bit trails off into a scene of him eating spaghetti on a hot air balloon with his college roommate .

If he let a dog’s pancreas degenerate, Banting reasoned that he could 1) give the animal diabetes, and 2) isolate a mysterious secretion given out by a specific part of the organ.

Surprisingly, it took over six months before he convinced somebody to lend him both a laboratory and a dog. But once he did, his scheme went like clockwork. By taking out the shriveled remains of the diabetic dog’s pancreas, grinding them up, and injecting them right back into the dog’s blood, he managed to keep the dog alive. He’d only discovered insulin, the stuff diabetics need to keep their glucose at non-lethal levels, since their pancreas no longer makes it. Banting subsequently tried his “insulin injection” cure on a 14-year-old boy, who promptly recovered from a terminal instance of form 1 diabetes.

“What do you entail I can’t cut him open? What’s the phase, then? ”

# 2. Otto Loewi Wins A Nobel Prize For An Experimentation He Devised In A Dream

Ever written something down late at night, thinking it was the most brilliant thing ever, but then tried to read it in the morning and found that it looked like a heap of scrawled dick shapes? The same thing happened to German pharmacologist Dr. Otto Loewi in 1920 … and if his tale is any indication, you could have won a Nobel Prize if only you’d tried a little harder to decipher the meaning of all those penises.

“The loop in the left scrotum is definitely trying to tell me something.”

Up until the early 20 th century, the medical consensus regarding nerves was that they worked through “electricity or something, whatever, who dedicates a shit.” [ citation required ] Loewi believed for many years that nerve cells in fact communicate by a chemical process. But he had no way of proving this, and it turns out that’s super important in science.

One night in 1920, Loewi woke up overwhelmed with joy because he had dreamt of an experiment that would finally prove his theory. Sleepily, he jotted down some hazy notes and went back to bed. To his horror, when he woke up the next day, he couldn’t read his sloppy handwriting. Thankfully, Loewi must have watched the same episode of Frasier two nights in a row, because he had the exact same dream the following night. Not to rage the gods of science any more, Loewi immediately got up and went to straight-out to his lab.

He did take the time to change from his nighttime bow tie into his laboratory bow tie-in .

The experiment consisted of making a frog’s heart beat slower or faster by applying liquids from another heart that was already beating at the desired velocity — which proved that nerves tell muscles what to do via a distribution of chemicals , not by zapping them with tiny electrical impulses. Loewi named this substance “vagusstoff, ” but it was later renamed to something that didn’t sound like a personal hygiene product.

Loewi’s almost-forgotten dream discovery netted him the Nobel Prize for Medicine in 1936, and he was also named the “father of neuroscience” by whoever hands out those titles.

# 1. H.P. Lovecraft’s Writing Came From His Childhood Nightmares

H.P. Lovecraft devised a new genre of literature( cosmic horror) by taking the boundless unknowable horizon of space and adding a shitload of tentacles. If you’re at all familiar with his work, it probably won’t surprise you to hear that much of what he wrote came to him in the form of vivid, pants-shitting nightmares. However, what may surprise you is the fact that he began having these nightmares when he was a little … um, child .
“Yep. I’m definitely going to grow up and hate immigrants . ” — H.P. Lovecraft It all started when Lovecraft’s grandmother succumbed. He was five years old, and not particularly close to the dame herself, but the fact that his mother and sister started wearing black every day frightened the crap out of him . The constant terror seeped into his sleep, and he started dreaming of “night-gaunts” — scaring figures he described as “black, lean, rubbery things with bared, barbed tails, bat-wings, and no faces at all.” Their favorite hobby was to take the young child out of his bed and fling him across space, because sometimes you just have to fling children.

As the ogres played cosmic volleyball with him, young Lovecraft would glimpse “dead and horrible cities” below him. While other children painted flowers or their families or other stupid bullshit, H.P. would depict these nightmare space beasts — a habit he kept into adulthood, when he began writing narratives about them.

Cthulhu definitely looks like he’s unloading the dark secrets of an outer dimension,
but perhaps not in the way Lovecraft aimed .

So there you have it. Lovecraft generated a complex horror mythology as a frightened five-year-old, and definitely wasn’t toyed with by interdimensional beings. Nope, it was totally a series of creepy interconnected dreamings, and definitely not a suit of a young mind being an antennae into the interspatial universe of demon gods.

Read more: www.cracked.com

Jonathan Cheban Is A Very Angry Man

15 days ago

Jonathan Cheban, professional friend of Kim Kardashian, is not one to be messed with. We know this because we once induced the mistake of writing and publishing an article called “A List Of Questions We Have For Jonathan Cheban After Stalking His Instagram.” Jonathan “dont like” that, and we promptly got blocked. If we have a famous hater, does that attain us famous? IDK. But we’re not the only ones who’ve felt the fury of The Cheban on social mediajust ask some random guy named Trevor who stimulated the mistake of mentioning Jonathan on Twitter. It’s important to note that he didn’t even tag The Chebs( my new moniker for Jonathan that he’ll likely hate and then end up blocking me over ); he just mentioned his name in a tweet. Jonathan must either have Google alerts set on his phone to let him know everytime person mentions his name, or else he has a Twitter mentions intern, because he is incredibly thorough. Jonathan Cheban like the Bloody Mary of social media: If you say his name, he will appear.

So anyway, this guy Trevor wrote a gag on Twitter, as one does 😛 TAGEND

LOL, classic Trevor.

I did a quick. 2 second Google search and deduced that Above Average, where the article quoted in the tweet comes from, is a slapstick website. But I entail, I didn’t even need to do that, seeing as anyone with a functioning frontal lobe was reasonable to conclude that a rat is not earnestly employed by Kanye West to chew holes in his Yeezy clothing line.( But if one is, I want his chore .)

Most days when you tweet at a celebrity you don’t expect a reply, but Jonathan Cheban is no median celebrity. In some screen shootings “were in” emailed by one of Trevor’s friends, Jonathan clapped back in a DM. I would like to note here that we did not substantiate the authenticity of said DM, because we’re not fucking CSI. Also I would have messaged Jonathan on Twitter and ask him to confirm the tweet, but like I said, he blocked us. Anyway, buckle the fuck up, because this was Jon’s response to this( fairly innocuous and admittedly funny) gag 😛 TAGEND

Like, whoa. Way harsh, Jon. I appreciate that he’s taken a page out of Chad “I’ll buy your family and induce them my family” Johnson’s Twitter feud playbook, but damn. I would insert my commentary, but honestly, this message speaks for itself.

And in case you were wondering( I know I was ), Jonathan Cheban does actually own multiple companies, including a garb line, Kritik; a restaurant, Sushi MiKasa; a screen defender/ mirror product called Glam Screen; an amusement and lifestyle website called The Dishh; and a fast food restaurant called Burger Bandit that I am told has some of the best burgers in Lynbrook, Long Island. All of that info came straight from Wikipedia and not a direct threat I only received from the Cheban camp, BTW.

So I guess the lesson here is if you come for Jonathan Cheban, you best not miss. Now if you’ll all join me in a brief moment of stillnes for our Twitter mentions. RIP.

Read more: www.betches.com

The 5 Craziest Things You Learn Running With Kids

17 days ago
Get intimate with our new podcast Cracked Get Personal. Subscribe for fascinating episodes like My Job Was Killing People: 3 Soldiers Tell Us Everything and Behind Every War News Story Is A 20 -Something College Kid .

Who wouldn’t want to work with children? You’ve probably heard that children are our future and/ or that they say the craziest things. Plus they are too young to judge you if you show up to work hungover. Well, I was a preschool teacher for years, and let me say to you: It’s unbelievable, while at the same time being absolutely horrible. On the one hand, you’re actively affecting and molding the minds of the rights of children, which is great. On the other hand, it’s one of the most confusing, unpredictable work environments you’ll ever be in. Oh, you can try to prepare for everything. You can write all of the detailed lesson schemes that you want, but I promise that first thing in the morning, a kid will( metaphorically and sometimes literally) throw up on said plans. Consider, there are a few things people don’t actually warn you about employment opportunities in childcare or education. Things like …

5

Children Masturbate

A lot. Puberty isn’t the only period people get preoccupied with their changing bodies. It actually happens a lot sooner, when kids become conscious of how they actually have bodies . As a preschool teacher, I walked in on a lot of kids( both male and female) figuring out that touching themselves in a certain place “feels good.” Nothing in your whole life will ever prepare you for dealing with this. You expend years being asked “What do you want to be when you grow up? ” And at no point does anyone tell you “Hold on. Stop there. The one you merely opt involves corralling children and inducing sure they don’t masturbate. Just so you know . “

Thankfully it was usually during nap day, but sometimes it would be out in the open, because little kids truly don’t give a fuck about what people suppose. This left me with the unfortunate task of having to explain to the kids to not do that at school( in such a way that didn’t scar them for the rest of their life or induce them think masturbating was bads, which, holy hell, that’s a lot of pressure ). Then I had to bring it up with their parents when they came to pick them up. You can imagine how fun that was. One of the worst conversations I ever had with a parent involved me having to tell them that little Bobby tended to spend nap period jacking it when he guessed no one was looking. Mom didn’t take that well at all. And how could she? “You know your precious child? The little kid who loves pizza and marathons of Dinotrux ? Well, here’s the thing … “

Oh, and reciprocal masturbation was a thing too. A horrifying, horrifying thing. I’ve … I’ve ensure terrible stuff. You don’t know, MAN, you weren’t there .

4

You Will Encounter Kids Who Are Irreversibly Terrible

Have you ever watched the news, heard about some person doing some wildly illegal and/ or crazy shit, and wondered what they must have been like as a kid? Maybe you think, “If I had been in charge of that little asshole, I would have done something! ” But can you really do anything? That’s something that never really occurred to me until I worked with children, specifically a child whom we’ll call Kevin. Because we need to talk about Kevin.

Kevin had issues. I don’t mean he was a troublemaker, or that he was just riling to be around. Kevin had propensities that went beyond “Dennis the Menace” and right into “The first five minutes of Halloween . ” Here’s a quick recap of the things I noticed in the short sum of day I expended with Kevin. He get sadistic pleasure out of hurting other children and would giggle when he saw someone else in pain. He physically assaulted teachers on a regular basis. Trying to discipline him was a useless endeavor. He’d also do really weird shit like only stare at the wall during nap hour and say he was “busy” every time we asked him what he was doing. This wasn’t a normal child. And trust me, that’s not an accusation you throw around softly. You can watch small children feed a dead moth and still think “Yep. Typical.”

We mentioned all the warning signs to his parents, who nervously played down every single one, of course. The more it happened, the more we tried to talk to them about it. But they constantly built excuses, at one point even trying to turn it around on us: “He doesn’t act like this at home! ” Bull SHIT he didn’t. They were apparently terrified of him, as evidenced by the time I saw him punch his mother hard in the stomach and she just chuckled nervously. But they needed a scapegoat and a reason to sweep it under the carpet, and my bosses forced me to leave it alone.

Kevin’s family eventually aimed up moving, and sometimes I think about him. How’s he going to turn out? I obviously can’t tell the future, so I have no notion, but I worry anyway. Maybe he eventually got people around him who could help. Maybe nothing can be done and whatever happens in his life is inevitable. I don’t know. But if years from now, if I turn on the news and insure his grown-up face over a headline saying “Man carjacks Pizza Hut delivery boy and takes a dump on the floor of the Mall of America, ” I’m going to be pissssssssed . Not surprised, but pissed.

3

Prepare To Get Groped

This is an actual exchange that happened in a preschool classroom, while I was explaining an art project to a roomful of children 😛 TAGEND Me : “So that’s all you need to do. Now, before we start, are there any questions? “ Child : “Why are your boobies so big? “ Me : ” … I entail are there any questions concerning the project.” * everyone shakes their head no * Me : “OK, let’s get to work! “

Children are driving in curiosity and a sense of exploration, destined to Columbus their style across a ocean of good manners and find a continent of pure awkwardness. They want to learn everything they can about the world they live in, and that includes touching grownups’ weird bodies, especially grownups they feel comfortable with. That dude who stands waaay too close to you on public transport? Imagine 20 of those dudes, and they all come up to your hip. Of course there’s nothing sexual about it, so all I do is gently pull them away while explaining why that type of touching is inappropriate. Then there are the children young enough that their mothers are still breastfeeding them. They get hungry and, well, dive right in. Boobs are boobs, right?

Speaking of diving in: One day I was wearing a dress that was shorter than I realise, and while I was sitting down in a chair and had my head turned to the side talking to a kid, another little son plunge in between my legs and Eskimo-kissed my crotch . I SCREAMED and threw him off me like he was a spider, which of course mean I had to explain why I shoved him so hard and why he should never do that again. It was a terrible conversation. Again, at no phase in your life are you taught how to prepare for this. “Were not receiving” etiquette class that teaches you the proper reaction. You can’t My Fair Lady your way out of a response that is anything but horror.

The idea of being physically accosted by a child voices ludicrous at first, but I don’t think people realise how strong some children actually are, especially compared to someone small like me. I was once knocked to the ground by a very large kindergartner( who just wanted to playfully wrestle ), and at first I was like, “Wow, you got me! ” But then I tried to get up and realized I couldn’t . Homie was sitting on my stomach holding both my limbs down and I couldn’t get out of his hold, and another children, thinking I was still playing along with him, started leap in and hopping on me. Luckily, there was another teacher in the classroom who operated over and shooed them off. So the lesson here is that when you’re around kids, any moment could potentially turn into the Thunderdome. Good luck.

2

Parents And Teachers Hooking Up Is A Given

This isn’t something I ever did myself.( I promise I’m not on a high horse. The truth is that I didn’t find anyone attractive enough to risk losing my job over .) But this is a thing, and much more common than the average person may realise. After all, even single mothers have needs, and if you expend enough time with another adult, you might start detecting them physically attractive, like ultimately liking that Taylor Swift song the hundredth period you hear it, or whenever someone claims to enjoy candy corn. If the feeling’s reciprocal, you’re very likely to see the other person naked. If it turns into a permanent thing, hey, you’ve already got the “introducing them to the kids” problem out of the route. And when they get older, you just have to have an uncomfortable conversation about the boning.

Still, pretty much everybody was smart enough to keep it on the down-low, since children talk. If a kid mentioned to one of their friends “I insured teacher leaving Daddy’s bedroom in funny-looking underwear” in front of the director or admins, then that educator will shortly say bye-bye to her job. This almost happened to a co-worker who was trying to sneak out of a parent’s house super early in the morning to avoid running into the kids. Because life is more like a sitcom than we will ever genuinely realise, of course she almost ran smacking into one of said children, who was heading to the bathroom for an early morning tinkle. The teacher dived behind a wall and waited until the child entered the bathroom before tiptoeing her ass out of that house. Fortunately the child was too sleepy to notice her. Or maybe he did and was just minding his own business. If it was the latter, good on you, kid. Respect.

1

You’ll Forget You’re Not The Parent Of Those Kids

Taking care of young children is an odd gig, if you haven’t realized it by now. You usually expend between eight to ten hours a day with these children, starting from when they’re as young as six months old if the preschool is also a childcare centre, like mine was. You might spend more time with them than their parents. You teach them everything, from how to speak to how to read to how to play with other kids. You feed them, toilet-train them, hold them in your arms during nap time to help allay them to sleep. You wipe their tears and talk to them about their tiny little-people hopes and dreams. You grow to love these children like they’re your own blood. But they’re not your blood, and you hand them off to their parents by 6 p. m. every day before you go home.

We can sometimes forget that this handoff is the ending of a transaction. The mother is a customer, and you’re just someone doing a task. And trust me, those mothers will be quick to throw that in your face the first time a kid calls you “mom” in front of their actual mom. Believe me, hell hath no ferocity like a guilty mom. No matter how emotionally invested you get in those children, to the parents and the administrators, you are essentially the help.

Despite the fact that I’ve always loved kids, I was never driven to be a mother, so that disconnection, though jarring, didn’t actually bother me that much. But I’ve insured teachers truly messed up by it. Basically, they forget their place and start telling the parents what they guess the child’s needs are, how they should be raised, what foods they should be eating, and more. They think they’re right because they’ve put in so much goddamn period with that kid and they end up thinking that they know the kids better than anyone else. But that parent who expended all day at work would almost always prefer to be spending that time with their child, and is already impression horrible about putting their child in this program to begin with. They are not about to put up with some uppity teacher lording the fact that they noticed little Tina’s gluten allergy first over them. And if you seek it, it’s going to turn into an ugly dick-measuring tournament, and educators are the ones who are going to lose.

It’s still better than the reciprocal masturbation thing, though. There’s not enough alcohol in the world to scrub my intellect clean of that. And there never will be.

When not get beat up by children, Archie Grimm also writes for Black Girl Nerds, and is the only millennial still trying to figure out Twitter. Feel free to school her here . Look, self-medicating is bad, but here’s merely one alternative if you need some help forgetting a terrible day of fielding weird kid problems .

Read more:

Highlightings From The Golden Globes: The Best, The Worst, And The Really drunk

22 days ago

Last night was the 73rd annual Golden Globes, the award show in which every important person in cinema and Tv from the entire year is shoved into an auditorium where Beverly Hills high schoolers host their prom, and proceed to aggressively drink and passive aggressively glare at Ricky Gervais over the course of five hours. In other words, its the best night in entertainment of the year.

Despite what any number of offended parties will tell you, this show was positively tame in comparison to years past. Beyond the glaring is a lack of national gems Tina Fey and Amy Poehler, Emma Thompson didnt even show up to toss her Louboutins across the stage while holding a martini, so it honestly barely ranks in my book.

Rather than detail the list of wins and its possible implications for the rest of awarding season, we decided to compile all the hilarious, controversial, and downright awkward moments fueled by bottomless Moet and the incestual web that is Hollywood. Enjoy.

Ricky Gervais

Lets get this out of the style right now: no one was angrier about Ricky Gervais hosting the Golden Globes for the FOURTH time than Ricky Gervais. Nothing was safe from his ire throughout the night, a listing of people and organizations including, but not limited to: Caitlyn Jenner, the Catholic Church, NBC, Sean Penn, Ben Affleck, the Hollywood Foreign Press, women who dare to fight for equal pay, and even the Golden Globes themselves.

You disgusting, pill popping, sexual deviant scum. Ricky Gervais speaking to Hollywoods most notable actors or my mama calling me on Sunday mornings, the world may never know.

As to be expected, Ricky was drunk, offensive, and totally unapologetic about both sets of things. To everyones shock and letdown, he only made a single Donald Trump joke all night long. Like, Ricky, come near. Low hanging fruit. You had one job.

Below weve listed his most controversial commentaries of the night, some of which were hilarious and completely warranted( were looking at you, Ben Affleck ).

In reference to the Best Movie nominated ‘Spotlight’ : The Catholic Church are furious about the cinema as it uncovers that 5 percent of all their priests have repeatedly molested “childrens and” been allowed to continue to work without punishment. Roman Polanski called it the best date movie ever.

About the unimportance of Golden Globes: I won three Golden Globes myself one I maintain by the bed to it doesnt matter why, its mine. I won it fair and square. Its simply the right shape and size, its nothing yeah. To be clear: That was a gag about me shoving Golden Globes that Ive won up my ass, and they asked me to host four times.

While introducing Matt Damon to present : Hes the only person Ben Affleck hasnt been unfaithful to.

Referring to his awkward Golden Gloves history with Mel Gibson: Im in the awkward stance of having to introduce him again. Listen, Im sure its embarrassing for both of us. I blame NBC for this terrible situation. Mel blameswe know who Mel blameds. Listen, I still feel a little bit bad for it. Mels forgotten all about it apparently, thats what drinking does. I want to say something nice about Mel before he comes out. So: Id instead have a drink with him in his hotel room tonight than with Bill Cosby. Followed by 30 seconds of straight censoring by NBC when Ricky asked Mel, on stage, What the fuck does sugar tits even mean?

Discussing Caitlyn Jenner : Im going to be nice tonight. Ive changed not as much as Bruce Jenner. Obviously. Now Caitlyn Jenner, of course. What a year shes had! She became a role model for trans-people everywhere, depicting great gallantry in breaking down hurdles and destroying stereotypes. She didnt do a lot for women drivers. But you cant have everything, can ya? Not at the same time. On the wage gap : Of course woman should be paid the same as humen for doing the same chore. And Id like to say now, Im being paid exactly the same as[ Tina and Amy] last year. No, I know there were two of them, but its not my fault if they want to share the money, is it? Thats their stupid fault. Its funny because its true.

When introducing America Ferrera and Eva Longoria: Two people who your future chairman, Donald Trump, cant wait to deport.

His best advice of the night: Wins, dont get emotional. No one cares.

Best Presenters

The show started off strong with the first two presenters: Channing Tatum accompanied by Jonah Hill as The Bear from The Revenant. The Bear was super grateful to director Alejandro G. Inarritu for taking a chance on a two year old bear with zero acting experience, and then dedicates a shoutout to his co-star Leonard. Honestly, its worth rewatching.

Mark Wahlberg and Will Ferrell took the stage in 2016 New Years glasses from Party City, and Mark attempted to present an award while Will Ferrell hollered at everyone for being disrespectful. Typical Will Ferrell-style comedy, yet still entertaining to watch.

Ryan Gosling and Brad Pitt had a little snit on stage, but candidly none of the dialogue mattered because we were able to stare at this collecting of beauty for two straight minutes.Thank you, HFPA.

Eva Longoria and America Ferrera slayed some Latina stereotypes by introducing themselves as not Gina Rodriguez, Eva Mendes, or Rosario Dawson. Somewhere in America, Donald Trump was baffled.

Jim Carrey originating from whatever cave hes been living in for the past five years clad with an unfortunate beard and an actually funny monologue about what its like being two-time Golden Globe winner Jim Carrey. People clamoring for him to host next year are utterly overreacting, but to be fair the bar has been defined pretty low.

Best Award Acceptance

Taraji P. Henson won over our hearts and Leonardo DiCaprios stomach by handing out cookies on her style up to accept the awarding for Best Actress in a Drama Series for her role as Cookie Lyon in Empire. She then told NBC to soothe the fuck down because shed waited twenty years for this moment and was going to take her sweet ass hour accepting it. Im starting to think Cookie is less of a character and more Taraji depicting up on decide and holler whatever she likes at Terrence Howard, which stimulates me love her even more than I previously thought possible.

Worst Award Acceptance

Quentin Tarantino accepted the awarding for Best Original Score in place of Ennio Morricone, and proceeded to deliver what Im sure he thought was an honorable speech. Jamie Foxx disagrees. To be fair, Quentin Tarrantino looks like hes belligerently drunk 100% of the time, so its hard to tell whether or not he was sober for this particular faux pas.

Quentin claimed that Ennio was a true artist, belonging amongst the likes of Beethoven and Mozart, which was nice until he deemed the movie rating genre in general ghetto. As someone who spent what I would assume is an ample quantity of time with Quentin while filming Django Unchained, Jamie Foxx has more than earned the human rights of taunt him on live television, which he utterly proceeded to do. When the camera panned back to him he stared directly into it a la Jim Halper and repeated ghetto.

Keeping Up with the Washingtons

Denzel received the honorable Cecil B. Demille award, and his entire family accompanied him on stage to accept it. The banter between him and his wife was adorable but most importantly, his son is crazy hot. Where has Denzel Jr. been hiding? Apparently on Ballers, the HBO show starring The Rock. These two appearances alone are reason alone to begin bingeing it immediately.

Honorable Mention: Oscar Isaacs Face

You attained sitting through Star Wars not once, but TWICE, altogether worth it. Thanks for that, buddy. Congrats on your award, and please maintain doing whatever youre doing.

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5 Long Term Frauds That We Should’ve Noticed WAYYY Earlier

26 days ago
Most types of fraud seem like they would be easy to spot. If a human asks you for fund, and he is followed by a similar-looking man in a plastic mustache asking you for even more money, there’s a good chance that they might have been the same guy all along . But despite our apparently impenetrable knowledge of how to catch cheats( and how to recognize artificial facial hair ), scams often run undetected. And sometimes they run undetected for a ludicrously long amount of hour. You know, like how …

5

A Family Lived With A Mummy For 30 Years For Petty Pension Fraud

Sogen Kato was the oldest man in Tokyo. This was no entail feat in a city of 13 million people, so some officials thought they’d fell him a visit — you know, the usual flowers and awkward congratulations for having outlived most other people on the planet. However, Kato’s octogenarian daughter was having none of it, saying that Sogen was in a vegetative country and in no condition to see guests. Technically, only one of those things was a lie.

The officials were rebuffed whenever they contacted the Kato family for an audience, and the excuses grew stranger each time. Before long, they said that Sogen had actually joined an obscure sect of Buddhist monks to turn himself into a living Buddha. Since that seems like the kind of grandpa badassitude you’d commonly lead with instead of a hackneyed “vegetative state” excuse, the officials grew suspicious. In 2010, when Sogen supposedly turned 111 and the daughter is again declined an audience, they ultimately had their fill. So the police turned up at the Kato residence and detected the family merrily living under the same roof. Well, the remaining household. Sogen was nowhere to be seen … that is, until the officials noticed a locked doorway. Behind that door was a small room. In that room was a bed. In the bed was the smaller, mummified corpse of a man who had died in 1978. “Yo, Sogen! Also, everyone else, what the fucking ? “

Yep, Sogen had died in the 1970 s at the ripe age of 79, but his relatives didn’t feel like telling anyone so they could maintain collecting his pension checks. Since he had had the good sense to drop dead in his own bed in a closed room, they’d done the logical thing and merely … left him there in his pajamas. For three freaking decades , Sogen’s daughter’s household lived in a house with the goddamned mummy of their patriarch, running about their lives and pretending that nothing was even remotely awry and that there entirely wasn’t an old dude turning to dust in their guest bedroom. If that wasn’t enough for Sogen to haunt their ass from this life to the dozen next ones, the fact that they did this for the total financial compensation of a relatively measly $106,000 definitely should be.

But the craziest thing is that there’s no telling how many Japanese families are currently Weekend At Bernie’s -ing with a grandparent’s mummy. Since the country traditionally venerates its elderly, Japan pooped a massive terror brick when Kato’s story hit the news. The government immediately started looking into its database of suspiciously elderly citizens who no one remembered seeing around in a while, and managed to uncover a whopping 230,000 “missing” old folks, at least one of them reaching 186 years old.( Which he obviously isn’t, unless he’s a Highlander. And if that’s the instance, well, let’s just say that there are bigger fish to fry than just making sure that someone isn’t collecting his pension .)

Moral of the tale: Merely when you think Japan can’t get any crazier, the fuckers whip out hundreds upon thousands of households with spare beds that may or may not come with a complimentary ancestor mummy.

4

A Man Cheated The Chinese Government With A Nonexistent Fuel Pill For A Decade

“A humble bus driver fabricated a route to turn water into fuel” sounds like the the start of an investment pitching that ends with a disconnected number and an explanation to your children that they don’t genuinely need a pesky college money anyway. For Wang Hongcheng, though, it was the beginning of a thoroughly undeserved life of fortune and luxury.

Sometime in 1983 or ‘8 4, Hongcheng, an amateur chemist with no scientific background, introduced a pill which he claimed could turn water into a form of gasoline similar to petrol. This was patently a huge bargain, and China certainly treated it as such. Before long, Hongcheng was drowning in funds from various government agencies and “other sources” — which, this being 1980 s China, were presumably simply other, shadier government agencies. Hongcheng funneled these funds into his brand-new “Hongcheng Magic Company, ” gaining many advocates wanting to hop on the sweet, sweet water-to-fuel develop. All of this generated him a fortune in the $37 million range. That’s a lot of fund for a product that you only told people about .

And that was the hitch: Hongcheng had no product. At all. His whole sales pitch was promising an impossible thing that he had precisely zero ways to invent. And he was scamming the freaking Chinese government . In normal situations, that’s an equation that doesn’t bode well for your physical health, but Hongcheng had lucked out. His tall tale had struck a superstitious nerve, so he had garnered a number of rabid supporters whose belief in his product far surpassed the fact that he had yet to present any physical proof which proved that the non-thing he was shilling was real.

Unfortunately for Wang( man, that’s a great name ), even bullshit can’t survive the passage of hour. As the 1990 s rolled in, the governmental forces started growing wary of the increasing influence of pseudoscience and superstition. Real scientists started turning their attention to Hongcheng( or more likely, were finally free to do so ), and one belittle 1994 article in the country’s influential Science And Technology Daily magazine subsequently, his fake fuel empire was good for prosecution. I tried to find out what happened to Hongcheng after he was inevitably imprisoned, but I think we can all agree that even if the details were there, we’ll probably be better off without them. Still, he accomplished a dream that is truly universal: getting treated like a king for achievements that you just fucking made up.

3

A Man Fools The Art World For Years With Obviously Fake Bullshit

As a human who once claimed that the return of Twin Peaks couldn’t perhaps be a good thing, I know that criticizing art is a great route to shoot yourself in the foot, the face, and the groin somewhere down the line. However, sometimes merely blindly appreciating art to the purposes of it can be even more dangerous. This was aptly demonstrated in 1924, when Paul Jordan-Smith, an L-Abased novelist, decided to steamroll the entire art world by fabricating tons of absurd bullshit and ensure what happened.

Already disillusioned with modern art, Jordan-Smith developed a full-on rancour when his wife’s still life paints were dismissed as “old school.” One day, as a private gag, he picked up a brush for the first time in his life and expended a few minutes pooping out a goofy paint of a lopsided native girl waving a banana. He dubbed his masterpiece Yes we have no bananas , kept it around the house to terrorize the rest of the family and use as a flame screen, and promptly forgot all about it … until one day, a guest started raving about the painting and comparing it to the work of famed impressionist Paul Gauguin. This gave Smith an idea. After he inhibited a mighty chuckle, he took his stupid paint and entered it into New York’s Exhibition of the Independents at the Waldorf-Astoria. This paint, which looks like the work of a drunken racist in the first grade 😛 TAGEND

Museum of Hoaxes
“Bwah.”

To ensure just how far he could take his semi-accidental prank, Jordan-Smith devoted his fucking shit an appropriately pompous title, Exaltation , and presented it as the work of an obscure Russian artist named Pavel Jerdanowitch, the inventor and only representative of a school of painting known as “Disumbrationism.” And he made sure that he wouldn’t accidentally scam anyone by dedicating the painting such an absurdly high prize tag that no one in their right mind would buy it. To his amaze and delight, the art circles swallowed the unlikely tale whole. “Jerdanowitch” was worshipped as a master of his craft, and galleries asked for more paints to exhibit. “You’ve got to be kidding me, ” Jordan-Smith no doubt thought, but he crapped out another, even worse painting in any case. Again, it was praised to high heavens, reproduced by worshipped art publications, and followed by requests for more paints. At this point, Jordan-Smith operated out of fucks to give, and simply started submitting straight-up boners.

Ecclesiastes 9:11
“I call it ‘Choke On A Dick, Art World.'”

Of course, at this point Smith had get so ridiculous that he was immediately caugh- Hahahahaha! I can’t even finish that sentence. Of course no one suspected a thing. In fact, we’d likely still be gawking at vintage Jerdanowitch dongs if Jordan-Smith hadn’t grown bored of his charade in 1927 and uncovered his accidental snowball of a hoax … on the front page of The LA fucking Times . Some say that the art world is still scrubbing the egg off of its face.

2

A Gang Sells A Nonexistent Car( 7,000 Times )

In 1997, a 23 -year-old security guard called Roberto Gomez turned up at a Baptist church in Compton, took to the pulpit during proclamations, and told the congregation that his rich, deeply religious relative had regrettably passed away. Aww, that blows, let’s pray, amen, etc. HOWEVER , said relative had left him an estate with a number of very serviceable low-mileage autoes, and said in their last will that Gomez needed to “gift” those cars to fellow devout Christians. All he required was a modest $1,000 advance per vehicle to cover the title transfer and taxes, and you too could be the fine proprietor of an vehicle that a complete stranger had vaguely described to you. Any takers ?

Yeah, it was a swindle. The soon-to-be-famous Miracle Car Scam, to be precise. It was such an obvious con that the most surprising thing about it was that the ghost of Eazy-E didn’t immediately turn up to kick Gomez in the dick for inadequately inspired hustling. But something about the story resonated with the churchgoers. A man of faith wants to posthumously distribute his wealth? Shit , not taking up the offer would basically be flipping the bird at a gift from God. So a few people bit. And a few more. And a few more still. Gomez and his gang took their con to other congregations. Eventually, clergymen, auto dealers, and other people who seemed to know their religion and/ or automobiles took the bait, which added credibility to the operation. Things started expanding at a Big Bang pace, and the gang’s fleet of fictional automobiles grew and grew … to a total of 7, 000, which they “gifted” to over 4,000 people over four years, to the tune of $21 million.

It’s not that their scheme was great. It was a fairly basic advance fee trick. The main reasons it worked were that they blatantly lied that the cars’ details were in court-mandated lockdown( which prevented anyone from attaining checkups and removed the need to fabricate documents ), and plain old brass balls( they regularly interacted with disgruntled “customers, ” providing a form of customer support and even refunding when necessary ). There were approximately 4,000 ways the scheme could’ve run awry at any time — a suspicious policeman, or a buyer who noticed that the gang’s listing of cars included scarcely any details beyond “car of model X, inexpensive, ” for instance. In fact, the ultimate reason the gang was busted was a delightfully random Fargo thing in which a small-town police chief in Missouri( yeah, this scam went all over the country) got suspicious of the huge number of weird auto deals in her town and started excavating. Yet somehow, thousands of people fell into the trap, seduced in by promises of virtually free mid-range vehicles, and they were prepared to wait for years on end, apparently.

What actually stimulates this one for me is the way the four-member gang just pigheadedly pushed forward, even to a phase where they were clearly route over their heads. Juggling a flipping 1,000 clients per dude, all growing increasingly dissatisfied as years go by, with no guarantee that absolutely everything doesn’t run belly-up at a moment’s notice? Fuck you, let’s actively seek for more . That’s the kind of stance the world nee-

Oh, right, these were felons. Nevermind. Moving on.

1

Two Men Spend Years Developing An Obviously Fake Machine For An Oil Company

In hindsight, the Great Oil Sniffer Hoax absolutely, positively shouldn’t have worked, especially not to the tune of 50-200 million dollars ( depending on who you ask) in pure earning. Yet somehow, two dodgy dudes managed to convince the French Elf-Aquitanie oil company that they had developed an impossible device, and then waltz all the way to the bank with zero scientific credentials and even less believable proof that said device worked, or for that are important even existed.

In 1965, Belgian Count Alain de Villegas and his Italian cohort Aldo Bonassoli started developing desalination technologies in Switzerland. Their tech soon proved to be a complete dud, which may or may not have had something to do with the fact that neither of them even remotely resembled a scientist: Bonassoli was a former TV repairman, and the counting, curiously, was an actual counting. They both shared a considerable exuberance for things like alchemy and UFOs, but being super into extraterrestrials doesn’t necessarily translate into any usable knowledge of, well, anything. Not ones to be deterred by mere failure and inexpertise, the two soon started developing a device that could “detect new freshwater reservoir from the sky” … at which point it was only a matter of time before they asked themselves “Hey, wouldn’t that technically apply to all kinds of liquid reservoirs? ” And so my second-favorite buddy policeman movie ever, Bonassoli And The Count , leapt into Act II.

In 1976, the men started marketing their brand-new invention, a revolutionary plane-mounted “sniffer” device that could detect — all together now — oil fields by simply flying above them. Delighted at the prospect of removing all the There Will Be Blood bullshit from their operations, Elf-Aquitanie jumped at the chance to grab the technology. They were so happy about it, in fact, that they eat an immeasurable sum of shit in their scramble to get a functional sniffer. Throughout the research, Bonassoli( who acted as the chief “scientist” while de Villegas took a more passive role) adamantly forbade the involvement of any actual scientists at any point of the process. Yet despite his privacy and constant failures to create anything approaching a finished product, Elf-Aquitanie bombarded him with lucrative multi-million-dollar contracts. You know, as you do .

This may have started out because the technology was patently a top-secret gamechanger that the company couldn’t danger it falling to other hands, but come on . A year or so of a former Tv repairman funneling away your money might be acceptable. Elf-Aquitanie took until freaking 1979 to smell the coffee. At that point, they eventually brought in top nuclear scientist Jules Horowitz, who took roughly 0.2 seconds to debunk the whole device. When Bonassoli told him his machine could see a metal ruler from behind a wall, Horowitz took the ruler and carried ass around the corner. Bonassoli’s device printed out a perfectly clear outline of the straight ruler … whereupon Horowitz emerged holding the real ruler, which he had secretly bent into an L shape. At that point, I presume Bonassoli shrieked at him, transformed into a at-bat, and flew away, swearing vengeance.

By the time the tale exited the vaults of governmental privacy and went public in 1983, it became a national scandal, especially when it turned out that the people who had gotten duped by Bonassoli and the counting included former President Valery Giscard d’Estaing and former Prime Minister Raymond Barre. By then the count had already quietly disappeared into whatever paradise island counts go to after they’ve earned countless dirty millions. As for Bonassoli, the worst he got was a few accusations and dirty looks. He merrily waltzed back to his native Italy, where he … stayed totally in the open, maintaining that he never made any money out of the ordeal( sure, guy) and even trying to peddle the exact same fucking device to the Italian government . And that’s a lesson for all of us: When one door shuts, beat on the closed door of a neighbor until they tell you to fuck off too.

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Khloe And Lamar Are Splitting Up Again

30 days ago

Over the past couple years, Khlo and Lamar have given Scott and Kourtney a real run for the title of most tumultuous Kardashian couple, and now the plot has thickened even more. Over the weekend, Khlo posted a quote on Instagram with literally a Harry Potter book-length caption about how we cant take responsibility for other peoples problems.

Khlo has been at Lamars side ever since he overdosed in October, which was when their pending divorce was called off indefinitely. There were rumors that they were serious about getting back together, but no one actually knew how real the relationship was. Now, it seems like things might ultimately be coming to an end. Lamar was recently find at a bar, which is probably not the best place to persons who literally overdosed six months ago. Now, with Khlos hot mess of an instagram caption, it seems like this really might be the case. Khlos talk show also get canceled last week, so maybe shes decided its is high time to get rid of lots of things in her life. Best of luck to both of these crazy assholes, cant wait to see it all on tv in six months.

“Letting go doesn’t mean that you don’t am worried about person anymore. It’s only realizing that the only person you really have control over is yourself.” Letting go with love takes great strength. We have to learn to stop taking on peoples problems as if they are our own. Loving people does not mean we have to carry their burdens and disarrays on our back. Sadly, You can only carry your opinion on a situation. You can’t want their life more than they do. This is in fact their life to figure out on their own and in their own time. I do believes in timing. I do believe timing is everything. You forcing your beliefs and dreamings down ones throat is only going to cause rancour and possibly manifest deeper issues. Maybe to the point of no return. “People say hour heals all meanders … I say hour heals wounds but scars are left to remind you what you have been through and what you survived.” Stop shattering your own heart by trying to make a relationship( friend, household, partner) run that clearly isnt meant to work. We have to stop trying to repaint people’s colours. We have to learn to believe the love we AREN’T given. You can’t love someone into loving you.( God I wish it were easier than i thought) You cant force someone to be loyal, kind, understanding. You cant force someone to be the person or persons you need them to be. Even if it’s for their own good !! Sometimes the person you want most is the person youre best without. You have to understand … some things ARE supposed to happen in your life, but they just are NOT meant to be. Damn … It took me so many years to understand that. Dont lose yourself by trying to fix whats meant to stay transgressed. God always has a plan even if we can’t understand it( or don’t want to understand it) Even in the darkest of places … Our Lord find His vision. We might not understand it at the moment but I promise you, your future will always bring understanding and clarity of why things didnt work out. Dont put your happiness on hold for someone( family, friend, partner) who isnt holding on to you. “A Girl once told me Be careful when trying to fix a broken person. For you are able cut yourself on their shattered pieces.”

A photo posted by Khlo (@ khloekardashian) on

Apr 10, 2016 at 9:01 am PDT

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