‘Vanderpump Rules’ Reunion Part 3 Recap: Shay Finally Speaks…Sort Of

2 days ago

We start the reunion with Andy asking Stassi if she’s dating anyone, of fucking course. Is there like a clause in Stassi’s contract that she has to talk about her relationship status for a minimum of 1,500 days on camera or something?

Andy brings up Katie basically blaming Tom and Ariana for all her fights with Schwartz.

Katie: I just wanted harmony. I didn’t want to be a dictator or a bridezilla.

That’s funny, I also get blackout and insult people when I’m trying to have harmony and not be a bridezilla.

They also bring up Jax’s apology to Stassi because if we don’t mention Jax and Stassi’s past relationship at the least 46 times per season there will be a problem. Jax says he’s “a better person since he’s been dating Brittany”classic fuckboy move. Guess I’ll have to believe it when I see itso like, when their spinoff airs.

Sandoval is like to the girls “the entire summer you were coddling Katie and literally licking her asshole” and the group is like “c’mon dude.” Because I guess rim undertaking imagery is where we draw the line.

Andy is like “and the bachelor/ bachelorette party was where Kristen decided it would be the perfect place to tackled a wasted Schwartz about the cheating in Vegas rumors.” And Kristen’s like “Yeah well they were forced to talk about it, so clearly it was a great plan.”

Oh god we’re still on this Vegas Girl thing. Schwartz is like “well conveniently for me I don’t recollect but I can say with 100% confidence that we didn’t have sex.” So basically, we’ll never get to the bottom of this. Honestly, you all gotta take it to the tomb and find something new to fight about for season six. #OverIt

Andy brings up the $51 K wedding and hes like “Katie, dont you think you knew the wedding was going to cost a million dollars and you should have told Schwartz? ” Katies like Well he told me merely to hand him the bill at the end and not say anything.” Which goes against literally every time we insured Schwartz on camera being like “How much is this gonna cost? $31,000 and my left nut? Bubbaaaaa! “

Lisa : Theres nothing about the wedding that was conventional.

…She says about your median hipster rustic timbers wedding.

Honestly Im simply not recapping any of the bridal talk. I will not participate in this circle-jerk to give Katies marriage more advertising than it already has gotten. We all considered it like, three weeks agothere is literally no need to rehash the same shit.

Andy noticed Sandoval weeping into the dog though. Im glad we all “ve noticed that”. LMAO.

Andy: Sandoval you basically proposed to Ariana at the wedding.
Ariana: So tacky.

Ouch. Someone get Sandoval some aloe vera.

Andy : You know what I like about you? You have so many feelings. Sandoval :

Ariana is me, freaking tf out when anyone expresses love or emotion towards her.

Andy: Kristen did you have good aims about coming to James performance?

Kristen: Oh heelllll no.

Seriously, why does anybody put up with Kristen? At least when I do shit only to stir the pot I act like I had other aims. I’m not persuaded Carter is a real person.

James: You dont come up to the one and only James Kennedy at my performance.

“The one and only James Kennedy”.

James: Kristen when we were together all you would do is praise my performances!

Yeah because thats what girlfriends do they praise your shitty performances and act like your Soundcloud page is the greatest thing to happen to music.

The moment we’ve all been waiting three weeks for … Scheana and Shay’s reunion is about to happen. God, I am such a terrible person.

Scheana doesnt even have Shays phone number. A level of savage to which I aspire.

Andy announced that Shay is coming and appear Im living for the drama but also this is so fucked and I feel guilty. Like, it’s genuinely twisted to exploit this couple’s divorce for ratings. Will I give them those desired ratings? Hell yes.

Scheana : Im too sober for this.

Same, girl.

Scheana finds Shay walk in and the first thing out of her mouth is he got a haircut, eventually. Real nice.

Andy: Were back at the reunion and Mike Shay has joined us.

Audience :* crickets* Andy : Scheana, all season long “youve said” Shays at the studio our tests have determined that to be a lie.

Shay explains his multi-day absence like “Scheana ran from texting me asking if I was ok to accusing me of going on a binge” aka “I couldn’t come home because Scheana was onto me.”

Scheana: So there wasnt a friend you were texting to and buying pills from?

Shay: * long pause* Youre crazy.

FUCK SHAY 2K17. Gaslighting in action, so fun!

Shay claims he was withdrawing fund for his business.

Everyone with half a brain :

Shay tells Scheana never listens to him and Andys like Ya thats true hes said it on the demonstrate a bunch of times.

Andy: BTW what is your business?
Shay : Dat Dope Group its a music group were official we have a studio and everything.

Dat. Dope. Group. Im gonna let that sink in while I contemplate my will to live. He claims they are opening for Bone Thugs-N-Harmony but they only have 169 adherents on Twitter … seems suspect. I know Bone Thugs have been around for a minute but I don’t think they’re at the point where they let anybody with a reality demonstrate gig and a Soundcloud roll through. Or am I incorrect?

Arianas like Shay, why dont you ever speak, tell us what was wrong.

Shay: * five minutes of stillnes*

Me :

Shay: We definitely grew apart, I couldnt do the lifestyle anymore. I discontinue drinking for a year but you still expected me got to go. And you just opt going out over me.

Well that’s real, and I’m gonna be honest, accurate.

Andy: Scheana when did the relationship start to go south?

Scheana : 3 months into the marriage.

Well.

Ok so Shay was texting another daughter and apparently she lived across the country and she was texting him shit like about him being on top of her. In other words: cheating.

Shay is like “Maybe the texts were inappropriate” … no dude. We traversed the line from “inappropriate” into “Emotional Cheatingville” the second the words “you on top of me” happened.

Scheana while all this is going on :* doing her hair and makeup obsessively*

Andy and Lisa: Girl WTF are you doing, stop doing your hair rn.

Scheana: I cant!

Also me.

Scheana is still bringing up the Brandi thing to try and get sympathy, which I am not having. You preferred that life. You don’t get to bring it up like what, three years later to try and get pity phases? Scheana also went and told Lisa about the pills on camera merely to fuck Shay over. Thats fucked. (* whisperings* tells the girl who regularly calls out guys who wrong her on dating apps via articles written on this site …)

Shay : You labeled me and now Im a druggie.

Scheana: Yeah and Im a homewrecking whore.

Yeah but honestly Scheana…too fucking bad. You opted that life. As far as I can tell there isn’t a gene that makes you more susceptible to fucking other people’s husbands.

Andy: Shay when “youre reading” online Scheana has a new bf what does that do to your heart?

Shay : Its unfortunate, you having a new bf is very quick. IDK who he is. Scheana : You follow him on Instagram. Shay : Who?

Scheana: Rob.

Shay: Thats the guy youre dating?

Scheana: Yep.

Shay : Hm. Interesting.* constructs mental note to add name to his To Kill list* Me watching this exchange go down :

Shay : Ill always love you, if you ever required something Id be there, but at this phase Im over our relations and coming here was a lot harder than I thought it would be but Im glad I did. Andy : Scheana, does it give you any close or peace to hear him say that? Scheana : Yeah From what I hear from other people you seem to be very happy and Im in a very happy place so Im happy for you.

Inner Scheana, likely: I hope you fucking choke.

Schwartz: Its an incredible tragedy but I feel like you guys are gonna be style happier separately than you were together.

Like, I would not call their doomed matrimony ending in divorce an “incredible tragedy” but sure, if you wanna be melodramatic.

Ending on a less horrible note, Andy brings up the Tom Tom thing which I honestly forgot even happened. Sandoval starts crying, of fucking course.

So nothing happened even though Schwartz doesnt want to do it because hes being a pussy. Will this restaurant ever see the light of day? Will they get their own spin-off? Holy fuck. I believe I’m onto something.

And Peter gets to build his final appearance of the season by serving everyone cocktails. Well that was fun, see you all next season. Hoping there is a next season. Ugh and I guess over the summer for Jax and Brittany’s spin-off? I can pretend like I’m too good for that depict but we all know I’ll be back.

Read more: www.betches.com

12 WTF Superhero Scenes That Will Melt Your Brain Into Mush

5 days ago

Since even the most obscure superhero out there has appeared in roughly ten million comics, preserving consistency can be a challenge. Generations of writers and illustrators have to agree on what makes each superhero so unique; whether it’s their powers, moral code, or the amazing deepness of their chin dimples.

Unfortunately, all it takes is a few hilarously misguided panels to undo all those decades of careful cultivation — so let’s look at them, shall we? Here’s a very close thing comic books get to a flub reel πŸ˜› TAGEND

12

Lois Lane Gains Weight, So Superman Treats Her Like Shit

In the questions Superman’s Girl Friend, Lois Lane , the titular Lois get hit with a light that doubles her size. Metropolis’ finest investigative reporter is afraid that Superman will no longer love her now that she’s gained weight.

But her dreads are unfounded and Superman continues treating her like a human being worthy of love and respect … is a statement we’d form if this was a comic book not written in the Mad Men epoch πŸ˜› TAGEND

DC Comics

DC Comics
“Did you hear when I said you’re quite a loading? Just wanted to make sure that you got the component about you being quite a loading. You’re quite a load! ”

This was published back when Superman could push planets from their orbit without transgressing a sweat, by the way. It attains no change to him if you’re ten or 1000 pounds — he’s merely being an asshole. It later turns out that there was no need for Lois to hide from Superman anyway, because he knew about her weight issue all along. He simply chose to ignore her to save her the obvious shame that should always come with being overweight, it seems. A real class act, that fucking Superman.

DC Comics
Yes, Superman is the kind of douche who thinks his regular clothes are good enough for weddings .

But how did he know? Because he orchestrated the whole thing, embiggening Lois in order to disguise her from a dangerous criminal.

11

Behold, Swamp Thing Vs. The Killer Dongs

The colorist might be the most powerful person working in any given comic. Don’t believe us? Ask comic book writer Scott Snyder, who, in a lengthy Twitter thread, uncovered how a subtle change in color caused his comic to be reduced to mush by DC. One day, Snyder received a call from his editor saying there was a big problem with his latest issue of Swamp Thing . And by big, he meant blest .

During his travellings, Swamp Thing is attacked by one of his nemeses, who buds fleshy tentacles to assault our hero. Unfortunately, the editor chose the tentacles “re coming out” “a little dickish.” Still not find the questions? Well …

Yeah. Naturally, the comic couldn’t be released with such a massive oversight dangling in everyone’s faces, so the entire printing was destroyed, and the art was redone to look a little bit less glandular. Of course, DC could have just changed the encompas and republished the issue for the hentai market, where such a scenario would’ve raised zero eyebrows.

10

And Now, Spider-Man’s Erection

Is there a more thankless and dangerous chore than secretly being a superhero? Yes. Being a superhero’s wife. In the special 25 th anniversary issue of The Amazing Spider-Man , the newly hitched Peter Parker and Mary Jane Watson-Parker are facing a horrifying emergency: Peter is in a bad mood because Mary Jane is inducing more money than him.

So MJ, who was just in a catatonic shock after being assaulted by Venom , now feels the need to perform a striptease in an unfurnished condo to make a powerful and beloved superhero feel like a man again.

This is still not enough to bring Peter out of his funk, so MJ unleashes her own dynamic duo πŸ˜› TAGEND

The last caption reads: “Slowly, Peter’s spirits begin to rise.” Aaaaand now you’re thinking about Spider-Man’s dick. Good undertaking, Marvel.

9

Hey, It’s Psylocke’s Rocket-Powered Vagina

When it comes to making heroes look badass, everything else gets to take a back seat — including the laws of physics. One of the most egregious examples of this occurred in the X-Men comic Generation Hope , where Psylocke leaps into battle by, uh, doing this πŸ˜› TAGEND

It gets even sillier when you consider the duration of the unnaturally bendy pose. Apparently, Psylocke managed to stay in the air long enough to deliver not one, but two wordy lines to intimidate her enemy. Unless her massive wedgie has anti-gravity abilities, most of her monologue should’ve been garbled out through the wheezes of a very broken nose.

8

Spider-Man Makes Out With An Underage Girl For Like 5 Minute

During one Amazing Spider-Man storyline, Peter Parker learns that his wife has probably died in a plane crash, because the only discrepancies between comics and Days Of Our Lives are the masks. When the new Spider-Woman, Martha “Mattie” Franklin, learns of the news, she rushes to Peter’s side. No , not to console the broken human — to insist he turn her into a woman.

A sad and despondent Parker scarcely has it in him to react, resulting in him playing tongue-of-war for( based on the dialogue) about an entire commercial infringe. Spidey manages to break it off, of course, merely to then be frightened by the weirdly gremlin-like face of innocence staring back at him πŸ˜› TAGEND

This Spider-Woman was later killed off, presumably just so the editors could pretend this never happened..

7

The Artist Who Draws All The Superheroines’ O-Faces

Greg Land is, generously speaking, an artist, having worked on Uncanny X-Men , Fantastic Four and several other comics in the Marvel Universe. He’s a fairly controversial figure inside the comic book world, with many calling his art terrible and even harmful, but Land cannot be accused of lacking a specific style. A very … exciting style.

When it comes to female characters,. Land relies on a select collecting of poses and expressions — all of which point towards his heroines having learned their moves from the same pole-dancing class.

The faces are where Land’s particular sensibilities genuinely shine. Land’s ladies always look like they’re having a whale of a period , no matter if they’re fighting …

Fleeing …

Or even, uh, dying?

6

Dr. Doom Is Shockingly Ineloquent

Boasting the combined might of a tyrant and a doctor, Dr. Doom has always been one of the more verbose supervillains. The man merely has a way with terms. Unfortunately, in Mighty Avengers #11, Ms. Marvel catches him on an off day πŸ˜› TAGEND

Sheesh, what happened to “impudent fool, ” “blasted do-gooder, ” and the like? Since when does Dr. Doom talk like he’s living under a YouTube video? And last but not least, has Doom not “ve noticed that” Ms. Marvel is drawn like a goddamn supermodel?

5

Lois Lane Get A Little Too Clingy

Pulitzer Prize-winning reporter Lois Lane is smart, tough, and tenacious, going to great lengths to get what she wants. Especially when she wants a man. And boy, does she want a man.

Early in her career, Lois’ can-do posture was mostly aimed at her was intended to do Superman himself. In one issue, she goes as far as latching onto the Man of Steel like she’s an overly dependent fridge magnet. Supes’ somewhat panicked reply? To somersault and dislodge Lois on the concrete below, like some love-stricken tick.

And hilariously enough, when Superman comes back as Clark Kent, he gets about as warm a reception from Lois as the bugs in between her teeth from her sky rodeo.

4

Daredevil Cheers Up Black Widow By Slapping Her Ass

We’ve previously talked about the suspicious fact that most of Daredevil’s girlfriends wind up dead — turns out they’re the lucky ones. In Daredevil #120, Double D and the Black Widow are in the “on” part of their on-again-off-again relationship. But Widow is going through a personal crisis. As a female superhero, she dreads losing her identity as a strong independent female because society will merely find her as someone else’s girlfriend. Heavy stuff.

So how Daredevil decide to help her reaffirm her individualism? Well, um …

So we guess Daredevil, uh, wants Black Widow to dress as a sexually active teen or something? That’s shady as hell, but not as shady as when he does nothing when his best bud Foggy Nelson attempts to make out with her.

3

Captain America Trash Talks Himself

A big part of Captain America’s job description consists of delivering awesome one-liners while punching Nazis and the like. Take this classic gem from Narratives Of Suspense #92 πŸ˜› TAGEND

Uh, wait a minute. “Only one of us is gonna walk out of here under his own steam — and it won’t be me! ” Yes, falling victim to one of grammar’s greatest super villains, Dr. Double Negative, Cap accidentally declared that he won’t not be the one needing a wheelchair after the beatdown that’s about the pas. Then again, that weird backward flip uppercut does look like it would do some serious lumbar damage.

2

Look At This Fucking Ship. Appear At It .

Superstar artist Rob Liefeld is famous for not knowing what the hell to do with feet. Well, turns out that’s not the only method of transportation he has trouble with πŸ˜› TAGEND

That’s not a spaceship, it’s a bunch of triangles and trapezoids get hammered and having unprotected sex. Jesus wept, everybody.

1

The Marvel Swimsuit Edition Strikes Back

We’ve “was talkin about a” Marvel’s tongue-in-cheek swimsuit editions of the ‘9 0s, which proved all the heroic boys and girls lounging around in their skimpiest swimwear. Nobody has that little an imagination that they need to see Ms. Marvel in a somewhat smaller bathing suit, though, so let’s focus on the hunks in trunks this time πŸ˜› TAGEND

First up is Captain America. Turn-offs: injustice, rudeness, Nazis. Turn-ons: jazz, patriotism, girls appearing up at his crotch fearing they’re about to get a concussion from his precariously packaged bald eagle. And dinosaurs, apparently? Hey , no judging.

And here’s Thor, looks a lot like he’s about to open the 1988 Summer Olympics.

Let’s heat things up again with Colossus, appearing smoking hot in his totally unnecessary jorts.

And eventually, because all these dumb comics have atrophied our synapses, here’s the Multiple Man, as he intimates his talent as a one-man gangbang.

When he’s not doing monologues mid-air, Cedric Voets can be found gibbering like an moronic on Twitter . If you want to see more perverted Spider-Man scenes — then you have a serious problem. Go learn to draw them yourself you debase . Also check out The 6 Most Sadistic Superhero Revenge Schemes Of All Time and The DC Rape Coverup And 5 Other Horrendous Superhero Plots . Subscribe to our YouTube channel, and check out Why Being A Superhero Is Nothing Like You Suppose, and watch other videos you won’t insure on the site !

Also follow our new Pictofacts Facebook page, and we’ll follow you everywhere .

Read more: www.cracked.com

Proof That Celebrities Should Never Give Life Tips

13 days ago

Celebrities can be great for a lot of things. They entertain us, they sometimes use their oodles of fund for the good of others, and the occasional scandal is always amazing for society.

They’re also great at utilizing their influence is spread some strange and often dumb beliefs. Behold!

15Entry by Eraser

Entry
by Eraser

14Entry by The_Evil_Monkey

Entry
by The_Evil_Monkey

Kelis Has Written a Cookbook

14 days ago

Our youth goes full circle today, because Kelis has authored a cookbook. Previously you knew the R& B singer for her make single Milkshake, the awkwardly erotic ballad that somehow made its route into secondary school dances, your mommies vehicle, and Mean Girls( hey Kylie !). Shes now teaching us how to cook yam souffle among other dishes, which is funny because based on everything I knew about her before, I always guessed shed make a great souffle.

Kelis tells food has always been a big part of( her) life, and that she picked up many recipes while touring internationally during her singing career. After ten years in the music industry, she enrolled in Le Cordon Bleu, the most prestigious culinary school in the world. She even titled her most recent album Food, which explains why we havent heard it at the clubs, and why Im currently streaming it as we speak.

The recipes in My Life On a Plate include shredded beef sliders, vegetable buckle, chocolate chip cookies with sea salt potato chips, and goat cheese ice cream. Critics have hailed the book as serious, ambitious and joyful, which shes probably tired of hearing after the reviews for Milkshake. Regardless, this is a great comeback for her and I cant wait to find out WTF vegetable buckle is.

Read more: www.betches.com

4 Badass Fictional Revolutions You Never Realized “re stupid”

15 days ago

I’ve only been personally involved in four revolutions, which scarcely places me in the three best of Cracked’s experts on the subject. However, since the rest of them are currently training troops for saving [ categorized ] from [ you wouldn’t believe it anyway ] while taking over [ fart noises !], and today’s column is all about the subject, it has fallen on me to expose the surprising flaws in famous fictional revolutions. For instance …

# 4. The Hobbits Would Have Kicked Saruman’s Ass The Second He Tried to Take Over The Shire

Lord Of The Rings is older than the Internet. Therefore, as long as the Internet has been a thing, people have over-analyzed Lord Of The Rings . I don’t believe a single site out there has forgotten to mention how butt-breakingly stupid Saruman the White was in his decision to fuel Isengard with timber from the nearby eons-old woodland that he must’ve known was protected by a horde of sentient super-trees who could tear his little kingdom apart at a moment’s notice. That’s not the beef I have with Saruman today. Besides, I feel the movie version addressed this issue by casting the late great Christopher Lee in the role. Over 98 percentage of all ents vouch that “Fuck you, trees, I’m Christopher Lee” is the magic term for them steering the hell out of your lawsuit forever.

“You’ll play bass on my next heavy metal album.”

Yet, Lee-fortified or not, Saruman did get his ass handed to him by a bunch of sentient firewood. The extended edition of The Return Of The King tries to convince us that he died in his crib, too. However, we’re wiser, you and I. We’ve read the books, and know all about the Scouring of the Shire. The depowered Saruman leaves Isengard and heads off to the Shire. He still gets embarrassingly murdered by Brad Dourif, but not before he effortlessly conquers the shit out of the place and builds Bag End his new base of operations.

Which, in all honesty, is fucking ridiculous.

Consider hobbits. Over the course of LOTR and The Hobbit , we meet five of them( Gollum notwithstanding ), all instead pointedly as basic as they come. Before the tale is over, two of them have dicked around with the most dangerous artifact in the world for a prolonged amount of period. One has killed a giant demigod spider and torn through an orc fortress by himself. One has played a key role in saving the most powerful human kingdom. And one has enabled us to co-murdered the enemy’s unkillable demon general. And that’s not even taking into account the whole “saving the world” thing . Technically the biggest badass in Middle-Earth . But surely, Bilbo and the Fellowship hobbits were the absolute best the Shire had to offer? Nope! They’re all like that. Consider Farmer Maggot, a grumpy agricultural type who was reduced to a little bit character in the movies( he’s the shivering hobbit pointing the route for the Ringwraiths in Fellowship ‘s “Shire … Baggins … ” scene ). The OG Maggot is a badass. A plain old hobbit farmer who encounters a black rider and basically tells it to fuck off . Then he determines Frodo and his posse and escorts them to relative safety, because he felt he hadn’t pissed off the ghostly murder horse guy badly enough. It’s worth noting that the rider was offering Maggot money for Frodo’s location, and Maggot had a history of hostility with Frodo. He simply flipped off one of the most lethal animals in the whole wide world because he didn’t like its attitude.

That is the kind of people a powerless Saruman ran off to subdue with a handful of sorry-ass thugs. Perhaps it’s a good thing Peter Jackson decided against filming the sequence — it would have done no one any good to see Christopher Lee get repeatedly punched in the dick by several hundred grumpy three-footers.

# 3. Any Violent Coup In The Harry Potter Universe Would Be Apocalyptic

I like the Harry Potter franchise because it has a truly smart and devious villain. Voldemort’s thing is that he’s not only super powerful as wizards run, but also unkillable because of the whole horcrux thing he’s get going, and a fairly brilliant schemer to boot. He’ll quietly build an attack force-out of half the named characters of the entire series and bide his time. He’ll hatch plots that by all logic should kill all their topics, and the majority of members of the time, merely the narrative necessity of an if it weren’t for those meddling kids card saves the heroes. Even in defeat, Voldemort doesn’t mind. He’ll expend a semester as a disembodied face in the sweaty turban of a motherfucker, see if he cares.

“This is why I afterward opted for the no-nose look.”

That being said, he’s also a goofy-looking noseless baldo foolishly attempting a revolution in a world that would descend into a never-ending( or rather, very promptly ending) whirlwind of madness the second someone would upset the power balance.

Everything in the Harry Potter cosmo is potentially a lethal weapon which every military of the world could only dream about. Everything . Trees, animals, people, objects. Dedicate the incorrect character a sock, and she’s suddenly a demigod who can destroy you with a snap of her fingers if she wants. Forget your sorry-ass death curses — a single Quidditch Golden Snitch could clear out a platoon of men in seconds , not unlike the whistle-arrow Yondu used in Guardian Of The Galaxy . Here’s a fun game: Go watch a random Harry Potter movie and take a drink when you are assure an item or character that, with some imagination, could singlehandedly decimate a squad of Marines. You’ll be blackout drunk within 20 minutes. An instance: Here’s Albus Dumbledore, one of the most powerful( and by far the most pacifistic) characters in the series get fed up with a gaggle of totally-not-zombies.

“Excelsiooooorrr! ”

Huh. That’s a pretty powerful spell, and Dumbledore can probably whip it out with relative ease. In Half-Blood Prince , he can clear out a whole cave, despite being severely weakened. What if shit got real and he’d have to go all-out? At full force, he should be able to throw one of those, what, every few hours? Just give the man one of the infamous time-turners, stick him in a flying automobile, and toss him off to have a nap and a sandwich before returning to the scene to travel back in time and nonchalantly rain hellfire over the next wave of Death Eaters.

“Wait, I could swear he wasn’t are of the view that Whopper a second ag– Aaaaaaaarrrgh ! ”

What, the time-turners were all rendered useless during the Battle of the Department of Mysteries? Sure, child. No one would ever think of mass manufacturing more weapons like that — and worse — in a time of high-octane war, repercussions be damned. And it’s not like they’re the only weapon in a wizard arsenal. The contents of the Weasley twins’ joke shop alone would be enough to turn the tide of a decent-sized conflict.

But would the wizard world dare to use all the potentially destructive power at their disposal? Fuck yes they would. It took muggle-humanity a couple of world wars to get our technology to a level where we were able to flatten cities, at which point we wholly did. That’s more or less the starting point in a wizard arms race, and they expend the entire franchise showing that they’re all too human in their views and action. So yeah, I’m calling it: The second Voldemort rolled out his Death Eater posse would mark the beginning point of an extremely slippery slope that would end within weeks with, well, this

PLANETORUS DESTROCT -” “Oh, eat a dick, Harry.”

… but with more sprinkles and fireworks and shit.

Read more:

6 Everyday Things You Had No Clue Were Made Of Dead Animals

15 days ago

There are products you expect to be made out of animals, like meat, milk, or those donkey gonad injections you bought on the internet( yes, everyone knows ). In fact, you’d likely feel ripped off if you bought a regular burger and they gave you a tofu patty with twig cheese and compost bacon. As it turns out, you’re much more likely to be in the opposite situation — enjoying some everyday item, well, every day, entirely unaware that it’s actually made from formerly alive beings that once blinked and farted.

You don’t have to be a hardcore vegan or vegetarian to be fazed that there are dead animal bits in innocent-looking stuff like …

6

Your Tattoo Ink Is Likely Made Of Incinerated Animal Bones

You only need to browse the veggie section at your local supermarket for a few minutes to notice that the Venn diagram between “avid vegetarian” and “tattoo enthusiast” is pretty close to a circle. Well, if you’re against harming animals and never gave much thought to where that ink adorning your body came from, prepare to hate us( and yourself) upon reading the next paragraph. Or, if you’re just the queasy form, you might wanna stop here anyway.

Alexas_Fotos/ Pixabay
This adorable swine marks your last chance to turn around .

You see, unless you went out of your route to get a vegan tattoo, that ink almost certainly contains the charred bones of dead animals. That’s what dedicates it that crisp, appropriately death-metal-esque blackness. And that’s not all: Animal fat is commonly used as an ink stabilizer, while gelatin made out of animal hooves serves as a binding agent. We’re gonna go ahead and guess those hooves weren’t volunteered by their original owners.

via Vegan Tattoos
“Yeah, animal brutality truly gets under my scalp, you know? ”

Some inks use resin from shellac beetles for binding, which might be less horrible in the vegan/ vegetarian sense, but is still skin-crawlingly gross. Fortunately, vegan tattoo inks do exist, but according to The Atlantic, “outside veggie hotspots like New York City, Portland, and Los Angeles, they can be hard to find.” We’re gonna assumes all the cool children with vegan tattoos knew this and carefully vetted their ink, lest they become a living, exhaling example of irony.

via Tattoos Hut
“And now to read the Wikipedia article on tattooing and take a big sip of delicious ink … ”

5

Your Chewing Gum Is Chock Full O’ Sheep Grease

We’ve already told you that cosmetics contain a particularly gross substance called lanolin. What we forgot to mention is that it’s not only an ingredient in stuff you scratch on your skin — it’s also in chewing gum. Just to be safe, you should probably spit out any gum you happen to be chewing before we continue.

What could possibly be so gross? Lanolin is gunk that’s “naturally produced by the sebaceous glands in sheep’s skin” and objective up all over their wool, “coating the fibers with a protective, waxy sheath.” In other words, it’s sheep sweat, and it’s pretty gnarly.

To get lanolin from wool the old-school style, you boil it and wait for the fat to rise to the top. More modern techniques include pressing the petroleum out with rollers or spinning it in a centrifuge. Regardless of the extraction method, the end outcome is a nice bathtub of “wool fat” that you’ll want to pop straight into your mouth and chew, natch.

Most gum brands don’t list lanolin as an ingredient by name, because it’s one of several that comprise the innocuous-sounding “gum base.” Also , note that while some companies claim that lanolin is “cruelty free, ” many vegans and vegetarians consider it unethical because it supports the “inherently cruel” woolen farming industry. You know, in case the “chewing on a sheep’s body oil” component wasn’t enough for you.

4

Your Beer, Wine, And Orange Juice Might Be A Little Fishy

We’ve definitely used up our pun quota for this article already, but there’s merely no other style to put it: You might find the following information a tad crappie. Specifically, we’re talking about isinglass, a gelatinous substance made from the swim bladders of freshwater fish( like sturgeons ). It’s traditionally being implemented in beer and wine-making as a filter to construct the finished products look clearer, thus devoting our brewskis that alluring, piss-like look we’ve grown accustomed to.

Tossed in with other ingredients, isinglass collects floating particles and congeals into a glob in the bottom of the vat or barrel, where it’s easy to remove. Plenty of breweries big and small have removed this fish byproduct from their manufacturing, but others can’t be arsed( Guinness said it would go vegan in 2015, but apparently hasn’t gotten around to it yet ). Admittedly, since the isinglass is removed from the beer or wine before bottling, only minute sums of fish bladder could ever make it into your actual liquor. But still, it was once there and now( thanks to us) you’ll never be able to forget it.

Another favorite beverage that incorporates fish is Tropicana’s “Healthy Heart” orange juice, which contains omega-3 acids … as well as sardines, anchovies, and tilapia. The notion is to give consumers the benefits of fish without them actually having to eat any. This is fine and good, unless you happen to be allergic to fish or a vegetarian who didn’t stop to check whether their glass of OJ contained something other than, you know, orange juice.

3

Your Laundry Is Filled With Silky Soft Animal Fat

What possible beef could we possibly have with fabric softener? It’s funny you ask, because it probably contains some.

Dryer sheets and fabric softeners work by coating laundry with a movie that constructs it soft to the touch, static-free, and springtime fresh. A crucial but rarely advertised component in the soften process is tallow — which is made from “rendered fat from kine, sheep, and horses.” In other terms, your dryer sheet is more like dryer sheep .

This coating continues to build up on your laundry over period, slowly covering your undies, towels, and everything else in particles of animal fat — in fact, that’s exactly what attains the fabric so damn soft. When you squeeze a freshly dried towel, you’re basically grabbing onto some Frankensteined, multi-animal love handles( good luck get that mental image out of your head ). But hey, at the least now you know why your cat is so obsessed with clean laundry.

So what are your non-animal choices for softening clothes? In several articles whose publishing dates we double-checked to make sure it wasn’t April 1st, experts recommend doing your laundry with vinegar. Just recollect to add it as the water is filling or already full, or you’ll run from repulsing your salad-loving friends to risking being eaten by them.

2

Opportunities Are There’s Dairy In Your Condoms

Given their wholly un-creative name, it’s not a astonish that lambskin condoms are made of sheep bowels. Consequently, we’re guessing they don’t make their style onto the wangs of many vegetarians. What they probably don’t know is that the latex love gloves they’re using aren’t exactly cruelty-free( and we don’t mean in the 50 Shades sense ).

Most latex condoms contain something called casein — a dairy protein commonly added to items as diverse as cheese, toothpaste, glue, paint, and, yes, your dong. Since the feeling of raw rubber on your skin wouldn’t be very sensual, casein and other substances are used to make the latex more smooth and dick-friendly. So, while you might not be wrapping your junk in sheep intestines, you are encompassing it with solidified cow boob juice. Some condom manufacturers also throw in some milk powder for good measure.

Fortunately, there are some condoms on the market that are free from all animal-derived substances, so vegans can breathe easy knowing that the only “biological material” in their genital raincoats is their own. But what if you’re one of those people who avoid milk products for less humanitarian, more “not getting the poops” reasons? Well, according to one doctor, there’s a very small chance that the casein could trigger an allergic reaction in someone who is lactose intolerant( but she’s ever seen it ). So if your partner doesn’t have an orgasm, feel free to tell yourself that that’s totally the reason why.

1

In A Bunch Of Countries, Your Money Is Lubed Up With Animal Fat

You “know what youre talking about” hard-earned fund you’re spending on vegan and cruelty-free products? Well, uh, might wanna start looking up places that still use the barter system. Turns out, quite a few countries’ money now contains tallow, which, again, is a type of rendered animal fat. You may never hold a fat wad of bills, but on the bright side, a wad of fat bills is probably doable.

The culprits are polymer banknotes, which are more durable than other types of foldable currency and are much harder to counterfeit( presumably due to scammers’ deep is committed to cruelty-free techniques ). On the one hand, polymer notes should have a lesser environmental impact in the long term, since they last longer than paper bills. On the other hand, those with ethical or religious reasons for avoiding animal products can go screw themselves, apparently.

So, which countries have embraced this type of pork barrel spending? Lots. In addition to the UK, Canada, Australia, Mexico, Malaysia, Nigeria, Chile, and at the least 17 other nations have opted for plastic over newspaper. Since Britain unveiled their five-pound polymer note in 2016, some 135, 000 people have signed an online petition demanding the removal of all animal products from currency. A representative from the company that renders the polymer said they only recently found out about the issue and are trying to find a non-murdery alternative, but “that will take time.” In the meantime, all we can do is assume that British charge card companies are having their best year ever thanks to Whole Foods’ UK branch alone.

Also check out The 6 Most Horrifying Ingredients In Everyday Cosmetic and The 6 Most Horrifying Lies The Food Industry Is Feeding You . Subscribe to our YouTube channel, and check out 8 Popular Foods With Ingredients That Will Haunt Your Dreams, and other videos you won’t see on the site !

Follow us on Facebook, and we’ll follow you everywhere .

Read more: www.cracked.com

6 Depicts To Binge If ‘Bachelor In Paradise’ Gets Canceled Forever

24 days ago

So last night was not on and it was suspicious AF. I entail, technically it wasn’t on because of some basketball thing that I do not am worried about the NBA Finals but that seems awfully convenient considering ABC is currently living in an episode of after allegations of sex misconduct surfaced during filming for season 4 of. Which is shocking and sad for a multitude of reasons but largely because might be cancelled and so might my will to live. We may need to start get used to the fact that our favorite pastime of judging beautiful singles get fucked up on a Mexican beach in pursuit of lasting love Instagram endorsements might be over for good. What a cruel, cruel world we live in. Lucky for all of you, I watch an insane sum of television that features garbage humans looking for love five shootings deep. And, like, same. Its comforting to know that there are others out there like me who can find someone to Snapchat after 2am love in a hopeless place. Though after reading that statement, its clear maybe I need to reevaluate some of my priorities. Lol, as if. Anyways, here are six TV shows to binge in casegets cancelled forever πŸ˜€ TAG 8 TT

1. ‘Are You The One? ‘

This show is literally except with more STD outbreaks( I presume) and less people with functioning brain cells. Theres also some sort of challenge component that usually involves simple math or basic knowledge about the person or persons youve been banging in the communal shower connecting with the last six weeks and these people fail every fucking time. Instead of a beautiful Mexican oasis as the set, picture a beach that people with parole stipulations can visit and a budget that allows for 20 strangers to bunk in a single room with 20 mattresses on the floor. I say this like I dont follow every single one of these losers on Instagram and frequently reference them in my articles because I utterly do. This show is the cream of the MTV crop and theres a spin-off in case you want to see some of your favorite degenerates return to a foreign country( Australia) and attempt to speak the language of the natives( English) for enough money to fund their lives until they need to take up stripping again( hi, @mtvmike ).

MTV Producers: Describe your “perfect match.”

Me :

MTV Producers :

2. ‘Coupled’

If youre go looking for a reality dating show thats less desperate and ratchet a bit more wholesome, then is def for you. Picture the very best aspects of but with female contestants that are of the legal drinking age and have careers that arent professional twin. Basically a home full of single girls live their best lives in Anguilla while hot, successful men are literally flown in daily for them to flirt with.The humen choice two girls to go on a date with and then picking a final girl to go to get coupled with and go to the couples suite to do nauseatingly cute vacation activities together. Ugh. Even though at times it seem like the men have more power, the show still feels super feminist because the women arent catty bitches and are v supportive of each other and seem genuinely happy when their friends find love. Tbh Im self-aware enough to know that I would def be one of the girls who gets too turnt on the island and naps through the hot, successful humen making their entryway. Its important to know yourself.

3. ‘UnReal’

This is the scripted version of and its too fucking real. The prove follows Rachel, a producer, as she manipulates tf out of everyone around her for ratings and her own personal career advancement. Its everything youve ever wanted to know about what goes on behind the scenes of franchise, like if Chad really shat himself on national television or if his producer roofied him. You know, that kind of thing. That being said, this present can be dark AF. Think suicide, ruined careers, DUIs, racismhmm, this is sounding more and more like the actual At least the real producers can say they’ve never driven anyone to suicide( yet ). I hope that helps them sleep at night.

4. ‘9 0 Day Fianc’

First of all, this show is brought to you by TLC, aka the network responsible for giving Americas circus freak displays of their very own, so you know its light AF. The indicate follows a handful of people who satisfied their significant other abroad and/ or on a mail-order bride website. It’s either/ or. They then get 90 days to see if they can make it work in America and file for a marriage license with a literal stranger they met during Birthright( thats an actual episode, btw ). Similar to how youre always questioning if people on are there for the right reasons on its more like youre questioning if theyre there for a green card. Its genuinely television at its finest.

5. ‘Dating Naked’

Picture the creepiest first date youve ever been on, but now image that both of you are completely naked and instead of trying to avert your gaze from the weird mole on his face youre trying to avert your gaze from his hairy ball sack. And thats the pilot episode for. There is nothing more uncomfortable than watching two mediocre people strip down to nothing and go on a blind date in a tropical locale. Seriously , nothing. One would think that only desperate psychopaths would go on a indicate like this, but astonishingly the contestants are usually chill AF. The only downside is the contestants get some fucking weirdos to go on dates with. And if you think the dates are relatively tame activities like sundown drinks by the ocean because the contestants are already nude, THINK AGAIN. Its usually some sort of naked sport or paint a canvas with your bodies type activity that is equal components disgusting and fascinating because if not for the censors this would be soft porn.

( Writer’s Note: I tried to google GIFs for this show and I’m pretty sure that search landed me on IT’s perv listing. My investigative journalism skills know no bounds .)

6. ‘Youre The Worst’

is actually a scripted dramedy on FX and not just something my mother tells me on a daily basis. This demonstrate has a feel to it( believe beautiful people dating in a beautiful city ), but the characters are actually honest about WTF they want out of life i.e ., get blackout 3-5 days a week and living “peoples lives” as selfishly as possible. The show follows two people who are dead inside, Gretchen and Jimmy, as they try and date one another without catching feelings. And like, same though. Its honest AF and theres no bullshit clich objective. If youre looking for something thats v funny to distract you from the fact that are able to never ensure Vinny and Alexisget black out and hook up in a pond, then this show is going to be your go-to for sure.

Read more: www.betches.com

We Talked To ISIS Citizens: What You Won’t Hear In The News

29 days ago

3Grade Schools Become Terrorist Training Camps

Frontline PBS

“They shut down the old schools, but they opened new schools according to their volumes … They would teach them how to make a bomb. It was aggressive toward women.” The term “aggressive” was use repeatedly in descriptions of IS schools. “They would teach them about guns, bombs, tanks. Aggressive. Everything about school was aggressive.”

Another source complained that ISIS had stopped his daughter from starting her education at all. “She’s nine years old and she’s never been to school. She doesn’t know anything. She wants to go to kindergarten … she’s too old for that, but she wants to go.” He had a son who’d been forced to attend an Islamic State school, and went into more detail about the curriculum. “No English class were allowed. English was haram; they are had math and Arabic. No history , no nothing. They selected their own topics. They was able to teach them how to be aggressive, how to oppose, and kill with weapons.”

ISIS schools, which are apparently held outdoors …

ISIS
Image courtesy of ISIS. Thanks, guys!

… truly seem to focus on general killing-people examines above all else.

ISIS
If this is gym class, we shudder to imagine what dodgeball looks like.

If an adult tries to resist, they’re gambling with “peoples lives”. One source used to say mothers outside Mosul( where ISI’Ss grip isn’t as tight) stopped sending their kids to school altogether and managed to avoid punishment. But another refugee we gratified who was from Mosul told us, “There was one teacher, she had to teach the kids their[ ISIS] volumes, but she told them, ‘Just come here for routine. You don’t have to do whatever is in these books.’ They heard about her and they killed her in public.”

2Escape Means Waiting For The Bombs To Start Dropping

Mil.ru

For those civilians too old for school, ISIS has alternate means of indoctrination. They’d force every Muslim in areas under their control to stimulate repeated allegiance pledges during mosque ceremonies. “After every prayer, they would close the doors and keep them inside and ask, ‘Who is with us? ‘ And some would lie and support them, but merely so that they wouldn’t get killed.”

One woman told us of a Coalition air strike which reached the local mosque while her son was locked inside, killing him — stimulating him one of the between 1, 000 and 1,400 civilians killed by air strikes in Iraq and Syria. Refugees I spoke with mentioned airstrikes with dread, because aircrafts raining fire on your home fucking sucks, even if they’re aiming at your foes. When you hear pundits and nominees lovingly talking about “carpet bombing” ISIS, remember that — the territory ISIS holds is full of people who are essentially hostages.

You may notice that most of these look suspiciously less like army bases than fucking cities.

Then again, the chaos of airstrikes also offers a chance to get by. I spoke with members of three households who managed to escape ISIS control by running away while bombs were thundering around them. This man, a former soldier named “Hajid, ” found himself a captive in his own home when ISIS took over, and he couldn’t afford to bribe them.

Magenta Vaughn/ Cracked ( click for larger pic )~ ATAGEND
Shocking that bribing your way through a collapsing nation might chew through your savings.

“[ My] parent was working for the police. Everyone else, they took their weapons they asked them for money, but other ones who were in big postures, they just came in the house and took them. It’s been two years since they took him …[ we] don’t know anything. If he’s alive, or … “

Not wanting to wind up vanished like his daddy, Hajid buried his handgun and fled on foot, leaving his family behind in the hope that this would be safer for them than attempting the desert crossing on foot. But ISIS fighters kicked them out of their home after he left and “abused” his wife. She and their children subsequently managed to escape during an airstrike. “They were lucky to escape … when the us air force come around the region,[ ISIS fighters] conceal inside the[ houses and passageways ]. No one can go out.” Making a break for freedom was an unbelievably risky decision. Not only is attempting escape punishable by demise, there’s the danger of, you know, getting exploded by a fucking bomb. That means each person in that camp had simply reached a breaking point.

Another source, Ahmed, also took his family on a nighttime sprint across no man’s land by the flickering sunlight of a alliance bombing raid. He decided it was worth health risks because ISIS had already killed four of his family and he didn’t want to lose anyone else.

Magenda Vaughn/ Cracked ( click for larger pic )~ ATAGEND
Get rob of enough family, and even a rainfall of munitions begins to lose its deterrence.
See, while ISIS sometimes accepts bribes and handguns from former policemen, they also occasionally commit murder for the crime of “being related to cops.” Ahmed showed us his brother-in-law’s wedding photo πŸ˜› TAGEND Magenta Vaughn/ Cracked ( click for larger pic )~ ATAGEND

He explained, “They killed them. They were 17. Because their family were police … right after the wedding, they killed them. We were not allowed to do any funerals … we only got three bodies back. They have, like, a hole. They hurl bodies in it. They told[ us] to go to the hole and find[ the rest] of the bodies there.”

6 Sad Facts About Beloved Characters, Proven By Fans

1 month, 7 days ago

Math wreckings everything. Take Batman, for example. Watching Christian Bale angrily demand the location of the narcotics, Rachel, and the trigger is great, but if the police ever actually caught him, he’d be bolt to the tune of 1, 003 years behind bars, plus 29 life sentences for his contributions to society. At this rate, the Gotham PD will probably just launch Ben Affleck’s Batman at the moon if they ever manage to cuff him.

And it’s not just Batman. There are countless facets of pop culture that have their exhilaration forcefully ripped from them whenever they face the harsh illuminate of arithmetic. And on that note, let’s dive into some of them!

6

Jack Bauer Killed 309 People In Nine-ish Days

Jack Bauer is a man who doesn’t take any shit from anybody. He’s a shoot-first, ask-questions-while-simultaneously-ripping-off-fingernails various kinds of guy. And despite some morally dubious decisions, he’s always had America’s own best interest at heart. So what if Bauer has to pop a couple terrorists or electrocute a few extremists’ genitals? He does it for the USA. Got a number of problems, LIBERALS?

But just how lethal is Bauer? We’d probably estimate “More than the average shark, but less than the average Sharknado, ” but that’s scarcely scientific. Thankfully, a few obsessive fans watched the totality of 24 while wildly scribbling each kill into their murder journals until we assume those periodicals were worn to dust.

Over the course of eight days, plus the two hours of 24: Redemption and the half-day of Live Another Day , Jack Bauer kills 309 people. 309. That rounds out to 1.5 guys an hour, for a whopping 36 guys a day. It’s not evenly spread, either; Bauer started the first day only killing ten guys, but actually took the gloves off during Day Six, with 52 individual slayings. By contrast, the Korean War killed about 31 Americans soldiers a day. On some days, that was Bauer’s quota before he let himself take lunch.

What’s even more impressive is how over 70 percent of Bauer’s kills involve a handgun, and typically a handgun at that. American soldiers, trained to use highly accurate automatic rifles, tend to fire 250,000 rounds for every dead insurgent. But Jack operates around with a pistol popping off heads with little compunction and even less wasted ammo. Am I saying that the next 24 series should involve an attempt to clone Jack Bauer for the creation of an army of bullet-saving investments? Maybe. Am I saying that Fox should check out the piece of fanfiction sitting on my desk right now? I’ll leave that one up to you .

And to think he killed all those men without taking a shit even once. Hopefully, some super fan will measure exactly how many pounds Bauer’s shame-riddled end-of-day dumps must weigh. For science, of course.

5

Charlie Brown Sucks At Baseball — No, Seriously, He’s REALLY Bad

While plainly not blessed with the most athletic of figures( how big is that goddamn head ?), Charlie Brown induces up for his shortcomings with a positive posture. Sadly, optimism doesn’t entail shit if you have the motor skills of a drunken toddler. For example, as far as anybody can tell, he’s never managed to successfully kick a football.

And it’s not only football that Charlie Brown sucks at; he’s also a godawful baseball player. In the original Peanuts comics from the 1950 s and ‘6 0s, Charlie’s team loses more baseball games than, like, a really bad baseball squad, likely. Baseball still happens, right? Charlie’s team creaks out a few wins, though, so how bad could he be? After all, who’s really keeping track?

Well, thanks to Larry Granillo’s impressive amounts of dedication and spare time, we know the exact record of Charlie’s shitty little team. Adding up all games from the comics, Charlie’s regular season record comes out to a soul-crushing 9-85. If you fail at something 91 percent of the time, you should probably switch hobbies to drafting health care bills or inducing DC Comics movies or something. And they’re not especially close games, either. Charlie Brown’s 1961 season started off with a 0-123 lose endeavor. That’s not just a loss; that’s a slash-and-burn campaign on the self-esteem of Charlie’s whole class. Logically, that should have been followed by Linus setting the dugout on fire in a blind rage.

And because Charles Schultz was apparently secretly building to a murder-suicide final panel of Peanuts , Brown’s team still inexplicably managed to qualify for the league championships on three separate occasions, only to fail spectacularly each time. In his final championship appearance, all Charlie had to do to win the game was get through the final inning without letting the other team score. But of course Chuck fails at that, too. Thankfully, we never got to see the consequences of the this in It Was 40 Years Ago So Get Over It, Charlie Brown !.

4

James Bond Is An Actual Alcoholic

A big part of James Bond’s appeal is his penchant for excess. Bond doesn’t want to simply have sex with safe women; the whole world is his Tinder, and he’s been swiping right since 1953. He doesn’t just shoot scoundrels, but blows them up like a balloon until they fly away and pop like it’s the end of the world’s saddest and most racially questionable birthday party. But even more than perpetual shootin’ and fuckin'( which, coincidentally is the title of Daniel Craig’s next 007 outing ), Bond’s favorite vice is drinking. Bond treats every minute like it’s midnight on New Year’s Eve, and at this point, his liver must look like a leather wallet that’s been left out in the rain.

In an effort to figure out how this fictional world’s supply of vodka was doing, three concerned UK physicians decided to calculate just how much alcohol Bond was ingesting in the books. The answer, like a shirtless Sean Connery in Never Say Never Again , was a whole lot less sexy than everybody had hoped.

After reading through all 14 of Ian Fleming’s novels, recording each drinking that passes Bond’s full, manly lips, the researchers determined that Bond’s weekly alcohol uptake was four times the advisable maximum consumption. That’s only at the high aim, too. Most physicians recommend sticking to about 14 divisions of alcohol per week, or about six pints of brew. Bond, however, shakes-not-stirs his style through 92 divisions a week. That’s the equivalent of almost 40 pints of beer, or a full 92 shoots of alcohol. It’s a wonder that he’s able to find day between urinal visits to shut down Moonrakers or wrestle ninjas.

And although, yes, that sort of intake means Bond is very likely to be the best part of your bachelor party, the committee is also entails he was at considerable risk of developing the darkest of alcohol-related conditions: impotence. How will all of those evil henchwomen go on when they was discovered that Bond’s Walther PPK is a little less GoldenEye and little more Spectre ?

3

Bob’s Burgers Is Failing Hard … Like, “Surviving On Food Stamps” Hard

It’s no secret that Bob’s Burgers isn’t precisely prospering. “Theres only” ever two or three customers in the restaurant at a time, and Bob keeps overhead costs low by semi-illegally turning his children into underage burger slaves. Of course, the show intentionally never digs too profoundly into the Belchers’ finances. Comedy becomes a little less, well, comedic, if you counter every punchline with a tearful monologue about how you can’t afford to feed your kids.

A few fans decided to dig into the numbers behind the Belcher family’s affairs, though, because merely the president of America should be allowed to conceal their earnings. According to one analyze, Bob’s Burgers LLC is probably bringing in a little less than $70,000 a year, while merely actually taking home about $43,000 in true annual gain. Devoted that the average expense for an apartment like the Belcher’s runs at about $20,000 a year, the Belchers are left with a paltry $23,000( before taxes ). And that, according to the country of New Jersey, puts the Belchers at about 50 percent less than the maximum to receive food stamps. It’s got to be pretty humiliating for the inventor of the Poutine on the Ritz Burger to realize that he can’t even afford his own food.

So yeah, if we ever insure an episode in which Teddy disappears from his usual place at the counter and Gene starts raving about how great the new secret burger ingredients savor, just know that Bob did it for his family.

2

The Town Of Springfield Will Probably All Die Of Lung Cancer

We’ve already established that residents of The Simpsons ‘ Springfield is a possibility trapped in a horrifying extradimensional existence wherein each character’s duplication iterations are all doomed to die insane deaths as the Universe corrects itself. C’est la vie, you know? But now we know that even if the original iterations of those characters manage to survive the werewolves, the inside-out turning fog, Groundskeeper Willie’s sentient hair, nukes, or the rise of the dolphins, they’re all am dying of lung cancer anyway.

According to a 2009 examine, there are, on average, at least two characters smoking in any devoted episode of The Simpsons . In 400 reviewed episodes, there were 795 unique instances of characters riding the nicotine dragon. Around the 2002 -2 004 epoch of the show, Springfieldians were averaging some five smoking characters per episode. And while the present typically only focuses on a few characters at a time, Springfield only has an estimated 60,000 residents, which means the percentage of smokers in the town must be incredibly high. Novelists presumably drew the line at the episode in which Apu personally lighted the cigarettes of a dozen fifth-graders that wandered into his store, preferring instead to leave it implied.

Despite American adult smokers merely attaining up 15 percent of the population, lung cancer accounts for some 27 percent of deaths every year. Given Springfield’s impressively high smoking rate, it’s not difficult to imagine that they’d be succumbing even more frequently. If you don’t assure him for a few episodes, it’s likely because Krusty the Clown is struggling to recover from his pulmonary lobectomy.

But it’s not like any of the characters are particularly worried about it, either. You’d think somebody might comment on how all the smoking could literally create a tobacco-fueled apocalypse, but smoking was merely portrayed negatively about a third of the time in the present. And the characters who would have opposed smoking? Statistically, they probably smoked themselves into an early tomb, too.

1

Millions Are Dead In Westeros

Every few minutes or so, Game Of Thrones will begrudgingly cut away from an exposed female breast to allow another character to remind the audience that winter is indeed coming. And they should, as Westeros’ wintertimes last for a long time. Not merely, like, an exceptionally chilly four or five months, but potentially years and years. That means that the Starks will have plenty of time to get bored with sledding.

Alright, so that doesn’t sound great for a civilization that hasn’t developed centralized heating or Taco Bell fire sauce, but how bad could it really be? After all, they’ve still get dragon flames and the naked warmth of about a billion willing handmaidens. Well, firstly, it’s important to note that the naked and/ or de-limbed characters we assure onscreen only make up a tiny fraction of the country’s total population. According to George R.R. Martin’s official research assistant, Elio Garcia, there are some 40 million people living in Westeros. Over the course of six seasons, we’ve been roughly introduced to the entire population of Rhode Island, but 40 million is somewhere between Canada and Spain.

Given that figure, we can easily extrapolate that millions of them are going to die from starvation. Because that’s exactly what happened when medieval Europe had a few crappy harvests. Not 14 years of brutal wintertime, mind you — just a few rainy summers and extra-cold winters, all of which missed the invention of the space heater by about 600 years.

The Great Famine, as it’s now known, hit medieval Europe in 1315. After a period “ve called the” Medieval Warm Period, Europe had seven years or so of truly mediocre climate. Just imagine how vindicated the medieval climate change deniers must have felt once Europe stopped being so hot and instead collapsed under incessant rainfall and frigid cold. Let’s consider Sir Bill Nye explain that one away.

It get even worse that peasants began to eat everything they could find, from grass to bark to freaking one another. And that is the ultimate fate of Westeros. There will be no triumphant planting of newly royal ass on the Iron Throne. The final scene of the series finale will merely be Daenerys chewing on Tyrion’s legs so she doesn’t starve. Winter is delicious.

Jordan Breeding also writes officially for Paste Magazine, unofficially on the Twitter and his blog, and with a dirty, dirty spray can in various back alleys . Also check out 6 Hilarious( But Accurate) Statistics About Pop Culture and 7 Movie Questions You Won’t Believe Fans Actually Answered . Subscribe to our YouTube channel, and check out Movie Problem With Easy Solutions, and other videos you won’t ensure on the site ! Follow us on Facebook, and we’ll follow you everywhere .

Support

If we’ve ever made you chuckle or suppose, we now have a way where you can thank and support us!

Make a contribution

Read more: www.cracked.com

Be Warned: Your Own Trump Is Arriving

1 month, 18 days ago

One day, very soon, your personal Donald Trump will come along. It’ll be all of the same tricks, merely perfectly tailored to your faiths and pent-up fury. He or she will be just as dishonest and as abrasive as the proverbial cat’s tongue on your genitals … but everything they say will go down smooth as butter. You know how sometimes you drink butter? Like the little tub of it they give you at Red Lobster? Like that.

They may not even be running for office. They may only want you to buy their book, or listen to their podcast. What matters is that you spot them before it’s too late. So, here’s how πŸ˜› TAGEND

12

Instead Of ISIS, It Will Be Nazis

People like this always need a loom “must be stopped at all costs” menace, one so dangerous that the supposing part of your brain “il be going” dark at its very mention. Usually they’ll hype up some loathsome radical group as a fundamental threat to our civilization — so dangerous, in fact, that all norms must be suspended. With Trump, it was ISIS( or refugee rapists, or Latino gangs — he had several ). When a “Trump, merely for progressive types” comes along, it will be Nazis. They’ll make it sound like half of all Americans have a red armband stashed in their sock drawer.

“But Nazis are real! ” you’ll be tempted to say. I know! You believe ISIS is an improv group Trump hired? This technique works route better when there are real headlines they can use as proof. They’re not inventing security threats — they’re amplifying it to cartoonish proportions to make all other issues( and scandals) seem moot. That’s the key.

Sounds Like:

“Are you candidly going to nitpick my economic plan when we’re literally living in 1934 Germany here? Focusing on minutium is exactly how Hitler came to power! “

11

They Will Deflect Any Criticism With “Trump Was Worse”

The most underrated long-term threat is that Trump permanently lowers our criteria. For your Trump, this will manifest itself in two ways: A) by deflecting any scandalous news with worse Trump news( as if we have no other basis for comparison ), and B) framing any criticism as secretly pro-Trump.

Sounds Like:

“Oh, so it’s another one of those ‘both sides are the same’ articles. Say what you will about ________, but I’d take them over Cheeto Mussolini any day of the week. I wonder how much Putin paid for this one! “

10

They Will Say We Must Fight Fire With Fire

Some of you currently confounded. Wouldn’t “Trump, only with the right policies” be a goddamned dreaming come true? It’d is just like getting a Louis C.K. who doesn’t make people watch him masturbate. We thought we had that, and it was awesome!

Here’s the thing. Those who oppose Trump do it for two distinct reasons πŸ˜› TAGEND

A) His policy postures( taxation cuts, social program cuts, Obamacare repeals, etc .)

B) His personal immorality and violation of all that we hold sacred( antagonistic style, rapid-fire misrepresentations, petty personal insults, fearmongering, demonization of marginalized groups, aggression toward the press, general authoritarianism)

This is the line between a disagreement among experts about which policies best serve the populace in the long term( A) and somebody simply acting like a piece of shit( B ). Likewise, there’s a huge discrepancies between someone who voted for Trump because they believe lower corporate taxes spur employment and someone who only wanted a human hand grenade to put the hurt on those triggered libs.

If you really, really hate Trump, it will be very easy for some firebrand to come along promising to be the grenade thrown back in the other direction. That trend — voting only as an act of violence against a disliked enemy — is a larger threat to the fabric of society than any individual policy. A leftist who wins with Trump tactics is like a corrupt policeman framing a guy who by coincidence turned out to be guilty. Normalizing those tactics is worse for us in the long run, regardless of what happens to that one criminal.

Sounds Like:

“I don’t know about policy. All I know is that if the Trumpkins are this triggered, we must be doing something right! Go back to the trailer park and bolt your toothless sisters, shitbirds! “

9

They Will Insist That Things Can’t Possibly Get Worse

Pessimism is a weapon. Trump promised to end the “carnage” of the last eight years, and described America as being full of empty factories “scattered like tombstones.” He attained the country sound like a blasted post-apocalyptic turdscape of illness and perversion. That is universal to demagogues, for a simple reason: No proposal , no matter how fucking stupid, can be criticized if things “can’t possibly get worse.”

Beware of anyone who tells this. No matter what’s happening in their own lives, it’s objectively untrue that things can’t get much, much, much worse than they are now. Many nations have installed leaders operating on a “What do you have to lose? ” platform, only to realise the answer to that question is always “A whole fucking lot.”

Sounds Like:

“Don’t talk to me about your precious ‘constitution’ or ‘political norms.’ Look where that got us! They’ve ruined the country, and we need to do anything we can to stop them. Anything . “

8

They’ll Say That We Are Smart And They Are Dumb

Mocking the other side’s voters as crayon-eating morons serves a dual objective: It appeals to our intellectual vanity and lowers our defenses. After all, if only dumb people fall for lies, and we’re clearly not dumb, then we don’t need to worry about falling for lies. Your Trump will joyously debunk a long listing of silly shit believed by the other side( to demonstrate how gullible they are ), but won’t dedicate any of that energy to maintaining our own information stream free of pollution.

Totally unrelated, did you hear how the Trump administration banned certain phrases, like “transgender, ” “fetus, ” and “science-based”? It’s disgusting what these people will do. Or not?

Sounds Like:

“This article misses the point. Trump merely went about because of uneducated, low-information voters! We’re the side that believes in science and proof! A leftist Trump wouldn’t last five minutes. Besides, we’d never support a guy who is too dumb to know how to feed fish.”

Nicholas Wadhams/ Twitter

7

Instead Of MAGA, It Will Be “Make America Like[ Insert Country Here] ”

The Trump Express is fueled by fury, and the easiest way to induce rage is to convince the audience that Utopia is real, and that they’ve been cruelly deprived of it. Conservatives tend to claim that this Utopia existed in the past — you know, back when every uneducated worker had a procure high-paying undertaking, there was no crime or immigrants, and minorities knew how to behave — before a few evil powerful people took it away from us.

Progressives, on the other hand, insist that Utopia exists in other countries( usually Nordic ones ), and that a few evil people prevent us from being like them. In these other places, all needs are provided for free, there is no crime or corporate greed, and the police mostly only smile and wave.

As usual, there is always a grain of truth to it. There are things other countries do better( mass transit, healthcare ), just as some things were in fact better in the past( once, ISIS didn’t exist! And now it does !) The dishonesty is in the refusal to acknowledge any sacrifices or trade-offs. There is no country in the world in which healthcare and secondary education are “free, ” and anyone using that word is pulling a Trump on your ass.

Sounds Like:

“America is basically a third-world country. You don’t ensure race riots in Sweden or a corrupt criminal justice system in Japan! How hard can it be to fix these things? “

6

They’ll Insist That It’s Their Way Or The Apocalypse

You’ve already spotted the running theme here: Whether it’s their Trump or yours, they’ll shield themselves from criticism by making you scared of the alternative. Scared/ angry people( they’re the same thing) are easy to control. If a lifeguard is saving you from drowning, do you care if he’s visibly elicited and hollering racial slurs the whole period?

So expect to hear a great deal about nuclear war. It’s easy to forget that Trump did the same thing — lots of his support received from people who were terrified that Hillary Clinton would trigger WWIII with Russia.

Sounds Like:

“Even if I believe what you say about my guy’s scheme driving up unemployment, that’s still better than the job we’ll everyone has under Trump — the job of being DEAD in a NUCLEAR APOCALYPSE.”

5

They Will Blur The Line Between Hate Groups, Protesters, And Activists

The right has had great success equating the Black Lives Matter movement with rioters and policeman killers — 57 percent of Americans have a negative position of different groups. If one person in a crowd of thousands violates a window, that’s all it takes.

Look for your Trump to do the same. Anyone on the side of deregulation, taxation cuts or cuts to social programs is technically on the same “side” as white nationalist terrorists. Well, there’s clearly no phase in arguing with a skinhead who found a route to rhyme “genocide” in a chant, and that guy elections Republican, so clearly there’s no arguing with anyone who votes Republican.

Sounds Like:

“You want to make a deal with these people on immigration policy ?!? Making deals is exactly how Hitler came to power! “

4

They Will Connote That Merely More Government Power Can Save Us

Governments rarely try to sell you on devoting them more authority. In fact, you will scarcely hear the phrase “more power to the government” at all. Who the hell would support that? In a movie, if authorities to confiscating power, there’s usually scary music playing in the background and somebody is about to start raising a clone army.

Instead, it’s always framed as taking power away from the bad guys. That’s why Trump needs to say the streets are owned by gangs, refugees, and terrorists, and that America is losing huge to China. The bad guys have all the power, therefore we need more police, fewer rights for the accused, tighter border controls, and more protectionist trade agreements. All of which, by sheer coincidence, gives more power to him .

Your Trump will speak of a country dominated by corporations and Nazis. The only way to stop them will be higher taxes( But just on the rich! You won’t feel a thing !), maybe a universal income( 100 percentage controlled by the federal government, but it’ll be fine ), and broader restrictions on abhor speech( and they get to define what that is ). Any of those may or may not be good ideas to some degree. The key is that any objection to those proposals, or talk of moderating them, or concerns about how such power could be abused, will be called pro-Trump( or “Nazi” ).

Remember, this isn’t about left vs. right. “Its about” a technique, one intended to eliminate critical thinking or debate. They need you to buy the presumption, without questioning it, that the only solution to the current crisis is to give them more power. Never mind that those powers will remain on the books the next time the other side takes over( just wait until you see what they call abhor speech ).

Sounds Like:

“Authoritarian fascists like Trump are selling America out to his corporate lackeys. We need to elect someone who will return power to the people . “

3

They Will Use Violent Language … Then Scream When The Other Side Does It

Trump openly “joked” about beating protestors to approving roarings from crowd, and then clutched his pearl when Kathy Griffin was photographed with a bloody Trump mannequin head.

Donald Trump/ Twitter

Your Trump will do that same coy little dance. Appear for constant allusions to “revolution” or “wiping out the fascist enablers, ” phrased in ways that make it clear that they’re not talking about changing their minds. They will, in the very next breath, insist that the same violent rhetoric on the other side amounts to literal marching orders. Of course the Portland train attacker was just acting on right-wing rhetoric. Of course the Bernie Sanders supporter who shot a Republican congressman was just mentally ill.

Everyone wants the freedom of the media to sound like a tough-talking badass without presuming any responsibility whatsoever when blood get spilled. We have to decide if we’re better than that.

Sounds Like:

“I have to wonder how long we’re going to feign that voting or lobbying actually makes a difference before we take this to the streets. Besides, did you hear what that Republican said last week about running over protesters? It’s merely self-defense! “

2

They Will Insist That Rights Don’t Apply To the Other Side

Trump’s side loves to talk about the Constitution, but it’s clear they want it applied selectively. When they say “freedom of religion, ” they don’t mean Islam. “Freedom of assembly” doesn’t apply to Black Lives Matter. The “right to a fair trial” doesn’t is in relation to suspected terrorists or someone who got shot by the police. If you demand rights for those groups, well, you must secretly be a terrorist or a criminal. Surely no one actually wants rights to extend to bad people.

Your Trump will do the same; they’ll merely swap out the groups. “Sure, I believe in freedom of the press, but these articles are hateful, and must be removed utilizing any means possible. Sure, I believe in freedom of assembly, but these guys are misogynists . “

All of it comes with the unspoken, indefensible assumption that protections don’t apply to people who themselves don’t believe in them. “No one who wants to take rights away from others should be allowed free speech! ” “There should be no mosque near Ground Zero in New York so long as there are no churches or synagogues in Saudi Arabia.” You can, of course, use that same twisted logic to stimulate all rights go forth — and there will always be someone eager to do it. “Why should a criminal get a trial if they didn’t devote a trial to their victim? ” “Why should freedom of religion apply to atheists if they just use it to assault other religions? ” “Why should freedom of the press extend to an outlet that demeans journalism by publishing trash? ” “Why should we extend the voting right to people who will use it to kill unborn future voters? “

Sounds Like:

“Did you hear California is prosecuting a guy for posting hateful messages on Facebook? It’s about period ! I mean, I’m all for the First Amendment, but this is detest speech! Allowing Nazis to have free speech is exactly how Hitler came to power! “

1

They Will Foster Personal Cruelty

We all know why abhor groups are a thing. The world will always contain a certain number of shitty people who define themselves by what they’re not. “I’m not great because of anything I’ve accomplished, but because I’m not a Muslim . ” They hang around the fringes of society until their Trump comes along and stokes their fury. This is why so many of you still don’t think you’re in danger here — you can’t get sucked in by a Trump because you’re not one of those people.

My argument — the one I maintain going back to — is that all of us are “those people” under the right circumstances. If you take any human and stimulate them feel powerless and desperate for long enough, then start pumping up their anger, they’ll change. You too.

You won’t even feel it. You’ll tell the world is what changed. Then you’ll have person granting you permission to take all of that dread, self-doubt, and insecurity and unleash it on the foe like a blast from a goddamned flamethrower. They don’t even build a drug that feels that good.

Your Trump will carefully select and highlight the worst of the most serious from the other side — the most petty, disgusting, pig-ignorant cockroaches — and hold them up to your eyes, every day. They will say that every common courtesy granted to them is a self-inflicted meander, that every act of petty meanness is a victory, every cruel joke an act of heroism, every misfortune on their side a cause for spiteful celebration. This is war , they’ll tell, which means all rules used to go the window. Even though real war actually has lots of rules. Whatever.

This is the final lie of a demagogue — that deep down, we’re all no better than them, that the only style to win is to be even worse. I don’t want you to believe that lie, to let Trump bring you down to the slimy cavity of petty meanness where he dwells. There’s no coming back from it.

Sounds Like:

“Fuck ’em. They did it to us first.”

For more on this topic, assure 6 Reasons Good People Turn Into Monsters, 5 Things To Understand About Modern Hate Groups, and 5 Reasons Humanity Desperately Wants Ogre to Be Real. David Wong is the author of the bestselling John Dies At The End series . If you loved this article and want more content like this, support our site with a visit to our Contribution Page. Please and thank you .

Read more:

Powered by WP Robot