6 Iconic Moments In History You Never Knew Were Utter Messes

Yesterday

History is written by the conquerors, and the victors tend to leave out the blooper reel. That’s why we’re taught that important historical events were flawlessly executed by geniuses instead of what they often truly were: calamities built on a solid foundation of debates, fuckups, and backbreaking levels of frustration. So let’s sneak a rare peek behind the curtain, and maybe even feel a little bit smug over how …

6

Apple Unveiled The iPhone Utilizing An iPhone That Didn’t Work

The reveal of the iPhone in 2007 was the 9/11 for tech nerds everywhere, in that they all recollect where they were when it happened. With a weird black rectangle in his hands, Steve Jobs turned cellphones into magical supercomputers which mankind could use to watch porn on public transportation. But the iPhone that wowed millions with its revolutionary features? It didn’t work.

When the iPhone was nearing completion, Jobs wanted nothing more than to show off his greatest achievement at Macworld ‘0 7, despite the phone being nowhere near ready to be showcased in its full glory. The prototypes that they had ready for the demo were buggy, glitchy monstrosities that consumed memory like a brain parasite and couldn’t work for sustained periods without crashing. The iPhone team and Jobs practised the launch presentation for five days straight, and there wasn’t a single run-through during which the phones didn’t fell calls, self-sabotage the internet connection, or flat-out succumb. The most dangerous place in 2007 wasn’t in Iraq; it was the conference room where Jobs threatened to fuck a phone to death.

Eventually, the team figured out a solution: They could construct the phone seem like it worked, but only as long as certain actions were performed in a certain order, like a video game combo that unlocks you getting to read your emails. What followed was the painful, frustrating process of working out, step-by-step, an order of chores — the “golden path, ” they called it — that Jobs could perform onstage which would both A) depict the iPhone’s capabilities and B) not cause it to spit fire and brimstone.

“What? Bullshit is a form of magical … ”

But the con artistry didn’t end there. In order to make sure that the phone preserved a good signal connection throughout, they also had AT& T install a miniature cellphone tower in the conference center. Oh, and to be on the safe side, they also reprogrammed the phones to present a maxed-out signal bar at all times. It’s not lying to your customers if you expect it to someday be true, right?

When presentation day rolled around, it went off without a hitch — which you already know, because you’re likely reading this on an iPhone. Jobs managed to dazzle the room, the iPhone prototypes seemed perfect, and the terrified technologists got blackout drunk to celebrate the fact that they’d wouldn’t be hanged from the tallest tree in Silicon Valley.

5

The Raid On Osama Bin Laden’s Compound Was 90 Percent Farce

The hunting and killing of Osama bin Laden remains one of the greatest paybacks in recent history. Even more impressive, it was a testament to the professionalism — nay, genius — of our armed forces. Ha, kidding! Rather than a squad of military experts, the raid on Bin Laden looked more like it was planned by a ninth-grade sketch slapstick troupe.

For starters , no one could definitively say that bin Laden was the one in the compound. It was clear from surveilling the joint that someone important was in there, but there was little else to go on. When President Obama asked his various advisors and agencies to estimate the likelihood that their human was in there, he got back answers ranging from 80 percent to 30 percent. One staffer even remarked that they had better intelligence that there were WMDs in Iraq. Yeah, it was that bad .

Because the worst-case scenario was some dead innocent Pakistanis and this is the American government we’re talking about, they went ahead with planning the raid anyway. The joint chiefs Obama with several options for taking out the compound, most of which involved blowing it to hell. These were quickly disregarded, and ultimately they hit upon a plan to loading the compound with soldiers like a life-sized G.I. Joe play set. They built a full replica of the compound and set the soldiers to work. But there was one teensy tiny snag: Because of time restraints, they couldn’t build the tall brick wall around the compound, so instead they used a chain-link fence. What could be the harm in that, right?

Stringer/ Reuters
“Oops.”

Unlike a chain-link fence, a solid wall tends to trap hot air, which is exactly what Abbottabad’s scorching temperatures were causing. So when one of the mission’s transport helicopters tried to sneak over the wall, it was hit by an issue called “settling with power”, causing it to quite un-stealthily accident. It was a small miracle that this didn’t screw up the operation, but there was still plenty of period for that.

The Navy SEALs entered, killed ObL, and escorted his body( and sizable porn collection) into a helicopter and back to Bagram Air Base in Afghanistan. All that was left to do was confirm that they’d gotten the motherfucker — a task that required them to check his Dna, operate his ugly mug through facial recognition, and measure how tall he was. It was only when they attempted the last bit that they’d discovered they were missing a tape measure. “No matter, ” they thought. “We’ll just have a six-foot-tall man lay down next to the body and guess . ” So much for military precision.

Upon hearing about this, Obama reputedly said, “We donated a $60 million helicopter to this operation. Could we not afford to buy a tape measure? ” It’s that kind of random incompetence that starts conspiracy theories, you know.

4

Testing The First Spacesuit Nearly Killed Someone

If you’re wondering why the aliens haven’t contacted us yet, it was possible to because we did not make a great first space impression. Tell us, would you be very eager to attain linked with a species that had to break a frozen piss icicle off the side of their spacecraft? However, our literally out-of-this-world level of ineptitude started before we even got into space, because a shocking quantity of what NASA does is guesswork.

To make sure we wouldn’t turning space into one big floating graveyard, NASA spent a considerable amount of period designing and building the spacesuits that’d keep our cosmonauts alive. There was only one snag: In order to test the spacesuit properly, it had to be put inside an oxygen-free, depressurized environment. Considering that pesky oxygen tends to get everywhere on this planet, NASA wound up constructing a special chamber into which they could send an intern, lock the doors, suck the air out, and see how long it took for them to turn purple.

The unlucky so-and-so that NASA spent into the chamber was Jim LeBlanc, spacesuit technician and professional test subject. After the chamber was exhaustively de-aired, LeBlanc’s merely lifeline was a hose maintaining his suit pressurized. While putting the suit through its paces, however, the hose detached, fully exposing LeBlanc to the vacuum of fakespace.

It took ten seconds for his body to run from 3.8 pounds per square inch to 0.1 — an experience LeBlanc merely recollects as feeling the saliva on his tongue are beginning to bubble and simmer for the purposes of the sudden change in atmospheric condition. For LeBlanc, it was over in seconds. In a vacuum, you lose consciousness after 15 seconds, “youre starting” experiencing permanent body and brain damage after 30, and after 90, people stop calling for an EMT and start writing letters to your parents.

Luckily for LeBlanc, it took person merely 25 seconds to force their way into the chamber and administer oxygen to him. Despite being so close to death, the worst side effect he felt was a sore ear. To this day, LeBlanc is the only person to have survived a total vacuum. We’re not sure that he boasts about it too often, however.

3

People Working On The Manhattan Project Couldn’t Stop Leaking Secrets

The most important part of a secret government project is that it’s secret. Otherwise it’s a plain old regular government project, which voices boring. Case in point, the Manhattan Project. While the world’s best scientists were working out how to build a city-flattening bomb out of pissed-off atoms, their greatest challenge was stimulating sure construction workers at Oak Ridge and Los Alamos maintained their goddamn mouths shut.

Between September 1943 and late 1944, the Manhattan Project’s security personnel dealt with more than 1,500 leaks. Low-ranking employees running their mouths was a particularly bad problem. In one incident, a group of plant employees laid out their entire work day to a small-town physician because they were worried about a weird rash. In two other instances, a young employee was cautioned after bragging to his brother that they were working on atomic bombs. Meanwhile, a secretary was shitcanned after writing a letter to her uncle talking about how the damned war wouldn’t last very long after “the product” was released — a letter which she then lost.

James E. Westcott
“Oh, except for the cool shit. Tell everyone about that.”

Accidentally losing things was another running theme in the logs of the investigations. In one instance, an engineer working on the project was traveling from New York to Oak Ridge when he accidentally lost a cache of classified engineering draws in a phone booth. They were later observed not by the project’s security, but by some random is part of the public who dropped by to hand them back. Of course, the engineer was “soundly reprimanded” and fired, which was still better than being kept on the payroll as the guy who has to stand on a big red bullseye in the middle of the desert and measure impact site radioactivity levels.

However, dumbass employees weren’t the only ones accidentally imperiling the project. Sometimes, when security services traced a leak back to its source, it turned out to be nothing but some civilians gabbing about atoms and get things right. We can only imagine how happy it attained the conspiracy nuts to have their homes invaded by federal agents confirming their every notion. Once, though, they tracked down an organization spreading the word of “the devastating energy shall be as set out in minute quantities of uranium, ” merely to find out that it came from a Bible college pamphlet dissing science compared to “the power of God.” We presume this is why the American military decided to confiscate the Ark of the Covenant from Indiana Jones.

2

The Library Of Alexandria Collapsed Because Of Budget Cuts

Before the internet, there was the Library of Alexandria. Packed with hundreds of thousands of scrolls, books, and texts, the library wasn’t only the intellectual hub of the ancient world; it was book heaven. Unfortunately, the party was cut short in 642 CE, when the library was burnt to the ground by an army of anti-intellectuals who were angry that the building’s contents went against their beliefs. But that’s only half of the narrative. In truth, the Library of Alexandria fell because it was too expensive to keep upright.

Over the course of its life, the library was attacked several times, most notably during the religion riots of 391 and 415, and when Julius Caesar swung by in 48 BCE and tried to burn the place to the ground. But what doomed the place in the end was having its budget cut. Sometime in the second century, Emperor Marcus Aurelius wiped out the library’s finances — he cut off all sources of funding, slashed the stipends paid to the library’s scholars which enabled them to live and analyze there, and expelled all foreign researchers. It’s nice to see some traditions never genuinely go away.

At the same time, the library too often became the site for major military actions and persecutions, making it only a desirable facility for the type of academics who liked dodging arrows on their route to work. With no fund for upkeep and its reputation as damaged as its walls, many of the scholars moved out and the library’s collect fell down disrepute. It was a small compassion, therefore, when Caliph Omar ordered the library burnt, putting it out of its suffering in a blaze of glory. At least now book nerds everywhere can rest easy knowing that they didn’t get the good stuff, because the good stuff was already long gone thanks to the endlessly more destructive power of bureaucracy.

1

Lewis And Clark’s Expedition Was A Syphilitic, Poopy, Dog-Eating Mess

In 1804, Meriwether Lewis and William Clark, along with a small army of volunteers, soldiers, and one Native American daughter keeping them alive, set out on an amazing journey to map out the majority of what we lucky folk call America — the important parts, at the least. And you know what? They didn’t do too badly, especially considering that a very close thing that they had to mechanized vehicles was a horse wearing a feedbag. In two years, the expedition marched from St Louis, Missouri to Fort Clatsop in Oregon, and back again — a distance of over 7,000 miles.

And it was sheer hell every single step of the way.

Let’s get this out of the route first: They eat their puppies. Being average hunters in unknown province, it didn’t take long for members of the expedition to start chowing down on their canine companions. Not even as a last resort, intellect — just when they get bored of eating dried salmon. Merely Clark refused to eat the dogs. It’s a low bar to decide for your national heroes , not eating your own pets simply because you don’t like fish, but only half of Lewis and Clark managed to clear it.

Their business trip did come with some pleasure along the way, though. Alongside exploring the country and doing as much science as possible, the expedition’s other mission is to build links with any native populations that they came across. And son , did they do that. The Corps of Dicks-overy tried to have sex with every local girl they encountered, with a respectable rate of success. Not that Lewis and Clark were particularly dashing gentleman explorers, but to their great luck, plenty of Native American communities believed that sex was a great route of assimilating other cultures. And seeing as these underfed idiots were they are white meat for miles, many noble girls performed a stroll of dishonor in the hopes of figuring out this “rifle” business before it would come back to bite them in the ass.

All of this fun had its downsides, however. Within months, most of the men were diagnosed with venereal diseases such as syphilis and gonorrhea. The good news was that the expedition had guessed ahead and packed some medicine for precisely this scenario. The bad news was that the medication was laced with mercury and caused terrible diarrhea.

And while curing VD with mercury poisoning didn’t exactly help Lewis and Clark reach the Pacific any faster, it did attain them real easy to track. All future historians had to do was follow the trail of innumerable latrine pits they excavate along their route, handily marked with an easily detectable eau de mercury . You could not take a more historical dump if you feed an entire decide of encyclopedias beforehand( which were also bound with mercury ).

Adam Wears is on Twitter and Facebook. He also has a newsletter about depressing history, if you’re into that kind of thing . If Steve Jobs can rock a fake iPhone, then you sure as hell can. Trick your friends and family into thinking you’re a functional adult ! Also check out The 5 Most Disastrous Marketing Failures of All Time and The 5 Biggest Calamity in the History of Marketing Ideas . Subscribe to our YouTube channel, and check out Why Apple Clearly Thinks You’re Stupid, and other videos you won’t watch on the site ! Follow us on Facebook, and we’ll follow you everywhere .

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Empire Recap: IaEUR( tm) ve Got a Blank Space Baby, And ItaEUR( tm) s My Last Name

2 days ago

Lucious and Precious are walking to the club and Precious is like there is a nicer route to do this shit to Hakeem. Idk whats going on, but I can presume the Lucious is about to do something fucked up to his own kids. Just another day in the life.

Freda Gatz, who is Chris Rocks daughter( I guess I should ultimately learn her name) performing a song calling Hakeem Daddys little girl, and Hakeem is fucking heated.

Hes so heated, in fact, that he pauses his hookup conference with Laura, the hot latina, to watch the video. Also, Laura mentions she is a virgin, and its like, of course you are.

Jamal is probs going to be in a Pepsi commercial, which is LOLZ. We all know if you aint coke, you aint shit. Welcome to the second string of soda, Mal. He has to build ballad and submit it by the end of the week, which Lucious says he will help him with. Jamals like, woah dude, could you like, back the fuck off for a sec?

Marisa Tomei, Andre and Lucious are talking about money and business and idk, numbers are hard. All I truly assemble is that Lucious tells them wall street can kiss his black ass and idk about that strategy.

Lucious is like, I need to be the number 1 and Andre is like is that the kind of person you are? and Lucious is like bitch I might be. Um, hello Andre have you seen this reveal? This should not be a realization you are JUST now making.

Andre : Winning isnt everything
Lucious: I seriously fucking abhor you.

Hakeem makes a video saying that he will combat Freda for his last name. This is a bad idea, largely because they are both shitty and Im going to have to watch it, goddammit. Why does Empire continue to torture me?

Suddenly flashes to Boo Boo Kitty appearing beat AF- but hey, youre get air time daughter, good for you. Shes holding a knife in one hand, Im thinkin, this bitch aint real, she wont kill herself. She aint legend.

Then bam, she has a pregnancy exam in the other hand. OH NO. She pee-pee on that little stick, and lets be real, weve all been there before. Pee-pee on that little stick praying to a bunch of gods you dont believe in that youre not pregnant with that one frat guys baby. But unlike Boo Boo Kitty, our results come back negative and we get drunk and go fuck that same frat son again. Go us!

She gets a positive pregnancy test. Meaning she is pregnant, with Hakeems baby. She calls Hakeem and is like, heyyyyyy Keem, funny story. Hahah lol can you call me afterward? Thanks ttyl!
Cookie is helping Jamal on his Pepsi commercial song in secret and she genuinely wants Jamal to tell Lucious. Jamal is like, thats a terrible idea, our papa is a legit assassin. He will actually murder me. Cookies like okay, so?

Cookie and Spanish Cowboy are talking about Hakeem vs. Freda, the combat of the two biggest shitholes in video games. Spanish Cowboy is like Yo, Keem and Hakeem is like Woah, woah, woah there Pepe, we are not amigos, comprende? Attain me a fucking tamale and refer to me only as Mr. Lyon Im rephrasing but thats basically what he said.

Cookie is pissed because shes trying to get her cookout ready and Hakeem is dicking off with this rap battle bullshit, taking away from her shine.
Cookie is like Freda is an animal and Keem is like:

Okay first of all, that was rude.
Second, Im in the top ten rn.
Third, I made this company.
* Spanish cowboy tries to speak*
and fourth, Imma bout to take a taco and jostle it so far up your asshole

Spanish Cowboy jostles Keem and its like OH HELL NOOOOO. I did not leave the South Side for this! Cookie slaps the shit out of Spanish Cowboy and tells dont ever touch my son. AT LEAST SOMEONE PARENTS ON THIS FUCKING SHOW. Lucious take notes.

Cookie is like if you lose, we lose everything and Hakeem is like obvi

Cookie is with Jamal and is like, have you told your daddy about us? Hes like nah bitch, did you not understand? HES A FUCKING MURDERER. Suddenly Lucious shows up and Jamal jostles Cookie in the closet with a sandwich- what a way to go.

Lucious shows up with a anthem for Jamal and Cookie can hear the whole thing and its style more EDM then hers. Both are ehhhh in general though, tbh.

Rhonda, Andres basic bitch of a wide, operates into Boo Boo Kitty, who is crying in public. Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Rhonda speak of how being pregnant is the happiest shes ever been, which is weird because she is def not pregnant, right?

Rhonda is like Lucious loves babies and he is like, so kind. You know, like how he should be all the time but never really is. Boo Boo Kitty is like,* insert superstar ventura voice* reeeeeeehhhhhheeeallly?

Jamal facetimes Cookie about the song and Hakeem strolls in, and is like so youre working with Jamal and not me? Plus, shes fucking your kidnapper but thats another story.

Keem is like you better cut this shit out or Im gonna tell Lucious and shes like OH SO YOU A SNITCH BITCH. Goodie, were back to parenting through insults. Weve gone a whole episode without Lucious telling one of his kids that they were being pussies, but were back.

Lucious, creepy lawyer and Andre are hanging out and talking about Swiftstream, which is the music station they wanna buy.

Lucious is like like Dre has beats, Jay has Tidal Uh, are you seriously jealous of Tidal? I know Etsy shops that are more profitable.

Andre is like every bone in my body is telling me this is a bad idea and Lucious is like LETS DO IT. Lucious def has a weird lesbian crush on Marisa Tomei and Andre is altogether onto it.

Boo Boo Kitty shows up at Hakeems, and acts like nothing has happened, which is a bold strategy. Keem is a little bummed about his daddy issues and BBK is like you need to surround yourself with good people which is basically saying lets fuck.

Boo Boo Kitty straddles Keem, #tbt to like 6 episodes ago when she was his stepmom, and is like I wanna say to you Im pregnant and the best way to tell you is rape you first.

Keem is like, look, Im in love with Laura, plz stop. Boo Boo Kitty giggles because she realizes that she is SO fucked and Keem is like so were still homies, right? You didnt even get friendzoned, you got homie-zoned. Im not trying to say you should detest yourself rn, but I mean.

Jamal goes to show Lucious the ballad and hes like yo this is hot, and its literally a combo of Cookies and Lucious songs. Jamal parent traps them and they seem surprisingly cool about it. Hes like, look merely blend the ballads and theyre like k. Empire is genuinely starting to get too civil for me. Bring BACK THE MURDERS IN JAIL DAMMIT.

The anthems sounds wack right from the beginning and Cookie and Lucious both blame one another, because duh. It wasnt my fault, its yours!

Jamals getting all upset and its like heres a thought Jamal- build your own damn music.

Lucious is like youre use my son for this and Cookie pulls a classic recur and mock defense. ohhhhhh, your sonnnnn? Hes your sonnnnn? Ugh if I had a nickel for every time I employed that argument.

Jamal is like you two are a fucking shame. This is going to change my life and you cant even help me. Okay, its a Pepsi commercial. If this is going to change your career it probs wasnt that good in the first place.

Cookie and Lucious make a bet on the battle- if Keem wins Lyon Dynasty makes Jamals album, but if Freda wins, then Empire can make Hakeems. THIS IS A TERRIBLE IDEA. TERRIBLE. But they agree to it.

They are prepping for this rap battle and this is the worst shit I have ever seen. Literally they have a circle of people around them just saying random words and they have to produce a battle rap. Real line from Freda: he aint a man, check. And he jealous of two brothers, check! Thats literally simply sentence fragments with the word check after it, that aint a rhyme.

Jamal and Keem are feeing Cheetos and hot sauce, wtf ew, and sitting on the floor, like a poor persons sleepover.

Keem, who has slowly become my favorite character, devotes Jamal good advisory opinions and tells him to use part of mom and part of papa and induce the sung. Its better than the usual advice of put feeling into the music!

Jamal tells Hakeem that hes going to win by being a performer, also good advice. Three episodes ago wasnt Hakeem about to kill Jamal with a bat?

Lucious is at the streaming meeting and Mimi is super late and theyre all waiting on her. Sounds like something all my friends would say about me. The douche-y streaming guy who looks like a fatter, bitchier Seth McFarlane is like YOOOO THIS SHIT IS WACK IM TRYNA BOUNCE

Mimi comes in and her and Lucious fling shade at one another for a hot sec. Shes like Lucious, you know I have personal matters and am on an all carb diet rn and its like, severely you depicted up late to a billion dollar session to weep about your girlfriend?

Jamal invites Cookie and Lucious to the Pepsi concert and Jamal is like sit the fucking down and watch me perform. And they are like, ugh fine. Jamal starts with Lucious song then violates into Cookies blending them both perfectly.

Minus the fact that it looks like Jamal is wearing a bath robe and hes kicking and jumping around acting like he has Tourettes, the sung is a banger.

Jamal tells them that he wants them both to produce his album, and finds out that he wins the spot for the Pepsi commercial. Lucious is ultimately a good person and is actually happy for Jamal, though Im sure this kindness will be short lived. Dont go soft on me Lucious.

THE BATTLE BEGINS

Theyre all at the battle, waiting for Keem to show up. Just when you think he is about to bitch out, Hakeem makes a grand entrance because queens are never late everybody else is simply early.

Lucious is wearing stunner shades looking like a prime douchebag, whereas Cookie has a permanent duck face.

Words are said and idk I think they are doing good. The only rap combats I have ever seen were on 8 Mile and Wildin Out so Im not exactly an expert in this department. College didnt prepare me for this. However, I can tell you that the mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.

Hakeem performs with the crowd and get everyone pumped and starts calling his name. Hakeem announces he is dropping his last name, pulling the old Beyonce on em, and he wins the battle.

Lucious has flashbacks to being a homeless child and appearing up at a Lyon statue. So, clearly he devoted himself their last name. How chic.

They are all celebrating when Vivica A. Fox, aka Cookies sister shows up. Nothing ruins a good rap battle party like an riling family member, amiright? She shows up to tell Cookie that their sister is on a bender- is that a new juice cleanse? Idk I went to private school , not Harlem.

Anyways, Vivica says that Carol dumped off her children, and blamed Cookie. Cookie is like, shitttttt my b. They decide to go to Philly, which is a decision I would never attain voluntarily. There is necessary shit going down because no one is ever like, you know what we should do this weekend? We should go to Philly!

Lauras car gets there and she prays Hakeem to let her go home with him, and hes like, nah Im trying to be respectful rn. CUT THE SHIT HAKEEM. Im so sick of this nice crook rapper bullshit.

Laura get in the car, and guess who is disguised as the driver? Boo Boo Kitty. YOOOOOOOO. ITS LIT.

div.body_middle_part_right. bodypart: nth-child( n +2 ), a.prevBody display: none ;

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America, Please Stop Creating Myths About Your Chairmen

12 days ago

Recently( in real hour) and eons ago( by the pace of news stories about President Trump ), there was a clamor about what Trump’s role in Disney’s Hall Of Presidents would be .~ ATAGEND Trump had to be added to it, but it looks like he won’t speak .~ ATAGEND That’s thanks to the dispute surrounding him, a lack of cooperation from the Trump administration, and the fact that the average child’s understanding of America would not be enhanced by jogging remarks on female genitalia and how mean the media is.

What ran unmentioned in every report is how weird it is that America has attractions in its most important and most famous amusement park where animatronic chairpeople dedicate 23 -minute lectures on how great they and all their ideas are. Disney calls it “patriotic.” Even the waiting room is “awe-inspiring.”

The Walt Disney Company

The weirdness ran unmentioned because, to Americans, it isn’t weird — the veneration of your leaders to the point where they perform robotic theatrics that would be at home in BioShock is just something that happens in America. But to a non-American, like myself, the whole display is … odd. I’ve seen the reveal, and it’s neat, but it’s also what it would look like if American history could masturbate. Some of those robots represent men who owned( and in some cases raped) slaves or prolonged war for personal gain or were infamously corrupt .~ ATAGEND And if you’re reasoning “Well, that’s merely history, ” can you imagine, tell, a German Hall Of Chancellors? A Canadian Hall Of “Ministers “? How about a North Korean Hall Of Supreme Leaders?

No, I’m not suggesting that North Korea and the United States are one and the same, because I’m not a 14 -year-old who simply detected weed and Infowars. But America’s attitude toward its presidents resembles how tyrannies adore their leaders , not how other republics treat theirs. I’ll demonstrate in the same way I approach romantic conflicts: with movie posters.

Columbia Image

Columbia Scene

There’s an entire genre where the American president is an attractive badass who starts gunning down terrorists or foreigners the moment his country requires him to. In one movie, the president’s home is referred to as the home of the Gods. If we weren’t already familiar with the genre, a strong and sexy leader killing all his adversaries to inspire his people would sound like a movie Kim Jong-il demanded be made by the filmmakers he kidnapped. Even in the many movies that feature an evil congressman or senator, the president is beyond reproach .~ ATAGEND

Other western republics don’t have an equivalent of this. Benedict Cumberbatch isn’t going to shoot all the terrorists who have occupied 10 Downing Street. There are no Canadian cinemas about a ripped Will Arnett saving 24 Sussex Drive from foreigners. In London Has Fallen , the American president kicks some ass while the assassination of the British PM triggers the plot and the leaders of Canada, Germany, Italy, France, and Japan are unceremoniously blown up by terrorists. The American President is a mythical figure who destroys anyone who dares to fuck with him, while the leaders of other countries are expendable plot devices scarcely worthy of mention unless it’s to fuel President Aaron Eckhart’s righteous vengeance.

London Has Fallen is an extremely stupid movie that unknowingly sums up how America ensure itself and its president — as the action-movie hero who needs to save the world. London’s Metropolitan Police, who in real life just stopped a terror attack within minutes , are tricked by the terrorists, slaughtered, then pulled back to wait for America to save their own city. It’s a powerful fiction, except in reality the guy currently playing the lead role is more fit to star in Paul Blart: Mall Cop than Independence Day , and Americans are struggling to wrap their heads around that.

In my hour visiting America, absorbing American news and pop culture, talking to my American friends and colleagues, and pretending to be a cute American teen in online games to extort virtual money and items from lonely Chinese sons, there are two common notions I’ve considered everywhere. The first is that the modern American government is a necessary evil that cannot be trusted. Even Americans who are in favour of, say, an ever increasing government role in healthcare, love to grumble about other aspects of the government. Extreme advocates of “big” government in America would be bearing moderates in Europe.

The second belief is that George Washington and another Founding Parents were unimpeachable heroes who forged a great country from the crucible of war. Appear at all the cities and parks and monuments named after Washington .~ ATAGEND Your nation’s capital is named after him, and then, merely to get the point across, you also constructed a giant dick in his name in the middle of his city. America is preoccupied with its own origin story — you wrote a three-hour, historically questionable musical about one of your Founding Parents and promptly proclaimed it one of the best musicals ever constructed .~ ATAGEND Look at the songs , the books , and the giant heads carved out of a goddamn mountain. Look at the monument you built to one of your most important chairpeople, and compare it to the monument Canada built for one of its most important prime ministers.

It’s hard to simultaneously distrust your government and revere the men who created it, so idolizing the office of the chairman is the compromise. The government may be pervert and flawed, but the president is an inspirational figure worthy of respect. Even a chairwoman who’s detested while in office gets absolved by hour. George W. Bush, who was loathed by liberals, is starting to be looked back on as a human who entail well and could be worked with on the big issues .~ ATAGEND Conservatives felt the same way about Bill Clinton during the Obama years. And every mistake a modern chairperson makes, every flaw a modern chairperson has, is compared unfavorably to the Founding Fathers. Americans venerate the office of president even as they distrust what it represents. Trump took that compromise and tore it apart. His actions and attitude are so far removed from the role of chairwoman as Americans understood it that no one actually seems to be sure what it entails anymore. Not coincidentally, the Americans I know are confused about what home countries stands for and where it’s running. The chairman is not a dictator, and his power to get things done is often quite limited. For all of the times he’s attained the news, Trump has done little of substance .~ ATAGEND But he is a symbol, and Americans have been watching the most important emblem of their country morph like an foreigner is about to burst of its chest.

America is built on mythology as much as fact — not many people have studied the Revolutionary War in exacting detail, but everyone half-remembers something from elementary school about subverting the evil British oppressors who forced cruel taxes on their forefathers. That’s what America is, in its own legend. It’s a country that kicks ass and takes in huddled masses hankering to breathe free, but right now it’s unemployed people guy at the bar growling about how he used to have everything until he caught a few bad breaks.

Every country wants myths to function, but most countries do not have origin stories that interesting. Canada was formed out of economic convenience and fear of American aggressivenes. If I challenged the average Canadian to name our Fathers Of Confederation, everyone would name our first prime minister, then people would start to panic and ask if Labatt Blue was a real guy, then they’d fling something at me and run away. I couldn’t do much better. Most Canadians could probably name more American presidents than our own leaders, if only thanks to culture osmosis. Americans talk about their chairmen like that guy who just got really into vaping and wants to attain damn sure that you know it.

We don’t build elaborate monuments to our leaders and founders. There are no big-budget movies celebrating all the paperwork they signed. If person wrote a musical about George-Etienne Cartier, it would play one showing to an empty house. Modern prime ministers are not slavishly compared to the first few, and no one is terribly concerned if a legislator is following the spirit of what another legislator wrote down centuries ago. Our leaders are just … people. Important people who deserve to be remembered and analyzed, but people who are allowed to fade-out into history like pogs or, God willing, Hamilton . So we have our shifts in power, but we don’t have people calling at each other on social media and panicking about the state of their country when we do.

You can judge for yourself whether such an approach is better or worse. But the problem with having idols is that they eventually let you down. And when you adore an office — when you build giant statues that extol its holders to be larger than life, when you movie power fantasies that look like tales despots would want told about themselves — you are defining yourself up for disappointment. If you constantly declare that American presidents are the greatest people in the world, some not-very-great people are going to want the honor. And then you end up with a president who gives your nation an existential crisis that you helped create.

Though, to be honest, I’m kind of looking forward to a martial art movie with Trump as the main character.

Mark is on Twitter and has a book .~ ATAGEND

Read more:

12 Eerily Convincing Gifs Of Paranormal Activity

18 days ago

Hi! How are you? Feeling good right now? Is the sunlight up? Are your lightings on? We only ask because we want you to be as comfortable as is practicable before going any further. In instance you haven’t noticed, we’ve kind of stimulated it our mission every October to make sure you never sleep again.

And with that in mind, we asked our readers to find some videos allegedly catching paranormal activity that, quite frankly, would make skeptics second guess their beliefs. The win is below, but first the runners-up …

#12.


by KevinKing

#11.


by milito

#10.


by T. S. Obiech

# 9.


by Mozartella

# 8.


by milito

# 7.


by milito

# 6.


by milito

# 5.


by radiation

# 4.


by RB2

# 3.


by radiation

# 2.


by milito

And the win is …

Congrats, AzISeeIt. You win money.


by AzISeeIt

5 Ways The MRA Indoctrinates New Members With Cult Tactics

23 days ago

If you’ve expend any time on the internet, which you probably have considering you are on it right now, you may have encountered the special brand of internet civilians that call themselves Men’s Rights Activists. They hang out in a place called The Red Pill, which is a group on Reddit that describes itself as a “Discussion of sexual strategy in a culture increasingly lacking a positive identity for men.” In other terms, men aren’t getting laid like they used to, and that induces them mean mad !

When I first heard about The Red Pill I wrote it off as simply another group of sexually thwarted baby boys who detest females. While their arguments were infuriating, I figured they were essentially a sad dad’s club with little effect on people outside their group. But I did a bit more investigating and after looking into it I realized The Red Pill is more harmful than I had guessed. It’s basically a cult. You know, like Scientology.

Georges Biard
Only with much, much less attractive members .

In May 1997, Philip Zimbardo published a piece for the American Psychological Association titled “What Messages Are Behind Today’s Cults? ” The practises of The Red Pill line up with Zimbardo’s findings. A former Red Pill member even wrote an entry in the RedPillDetox group about how he believed he had been brainwashed into joining a cult when he was a part of the group. Also, the fact that a RedPillDetox exists for ex-members to help each other deprogram their beliefs doesn’t bode well for the MRA’s existence. While there isn’t a quantitative listing of what defines a cult, experts in psychology agree on a few telltale signs. Perhaps this is why Scientology opinions psychiatry as the enemy and bringer of demise.

And guess what? Much like Scientology, The Red Pill fits the description of a cult in a disturbing style. Cults are not only harmful to society but for our own member as well. In fact, it may be arguably more harmful to our own member than for the friends and family they’ve isolated themselves from. The Red Pill’s existence is just a studded butt plug that everyone has to share. So how exactly is it a cult? Well …

5

“Nobody Decides To Join A Cult.” -Philip Zimbardo

Much like hipsters in 2007, you can spot one by how mad it gets when you call it a hipster. Cults don’t call themselves cults. They call themselves churches, or clubs, or your friends.

Two common recruiting tactics The “Church” of Scientology uses are stress tests and personality tests. They target people who suffer from blocks in their relationships, career, and other endeavors … so just about any person who is alive enough to operate a number two pencil. When new recruits take these tests( which are in no way scientific) the recruiters can tailor their pitch to present a religion that is an exact fit for their insecurities. Members join Scientology to seek a better life and are promised a path to achieving their goals through the church.

tonyortega.org
Like running 20 -hour days, six days a week, for virtually no fund, for the next billion years .

The Red Pill is similar, but instead of self-actualization, their goals revolve around boner distribution. Said ExRedPill on his experience, “I was joining a cool fucking group of cool fucking guys who were going to teach me how to do cool fucking things like get laid.” You can imagine how this might be appealing to person that hasn’t had much luck with women in the past. The Red Pill, like Scientology, prey on the insecurities of people to recruit new members into their cult.

What separates The Red Pill and Scientology from any another community group looking to grow our own member? According to Zimbardo, “They become ‘cults’ when they are seen as deceptive, defective, dangerous, or as opposing basic values of their society.” Which brings me to …

4

“Cults Insist On Reprogramming The Way People See The World.” -Adrian Furnham

Cults insist they are the only ones that know the truth about society. They teach ideology that goes against commonly accepted notions while dehumanizing people outside of their group.

For an example of this, look no further than feminism. Er, sorry, feminism is not a cult. I entail their definition of feminism. Here’s how The Red Pill defines feminism in their official glossary πŸ˜› TAGEND

“A doctrine built on the presupposition of victimhood of women by humen as a foundation of female identity. In its goals is always the utilization of the state to forcibly redress this claimed victimization. In other terms, the proxy employ of violence and wealth appropriation. In whatever flavor, and variation, these two basic features are common to every doctrine utilizing the label feminism. Feminism is hence, a creed of class hatred, and violence.”

thefeministwire.com
If you are a man reading this while not currently running for you life, consider yourself luck .

Compare that to Merriam-Webster ‘s definition: “The theory of the political, economic, and social equality of the sexes.” Clearly, there’s a disconnection here that aims to reprogram the route their members insure the world.

The Red Pill’s name is derived from a Matrix analogy about truth. In the movie The Matrix , Laurence Fishburne is all like, “Bro, if you take the blue pill, you’ll remain ignorant. But if you take the red pill, I’ll depict you how to dodge bullets in cool trench coats with your mind.” Or something like that. The analogy is rooted in the idea of reprogramming its members to see the truth. Everything before joining Red Pill is referred to as “blue pill, ” and their new members attest to a sense of being “reborn” the same way that religious cult victims do.

Here’s a quote from a Red Pill member describing how he felt when he first started changing his ways to fit into the group: “This, I find, is probably the most useful tool for getting rid of bluepill during the early transitional phrases. My friend and I would say this to each other regularly whenever we had a oneitis, and it stung at first but it was like being reborn.” By the route, “oneitis” is a word that means liking person as if they are “the one” despite a lack of reciprocation.

Scientology does this kind of reprogramming with its members as well. They teach their members that psychology is a global conspiracy of assassination and that our bodies contain evil aliens that are the cause of all physical and mental illness. Another thing Scientology does that The Red Pill incorporates is …

3

“Cult Leaders Offer A Easy solution To Increasingly Complex World Problems.” -Philip Zimbardo

What I’ve learned from my lifelong quest to get free Oakleys online is that if something is too good to be true, it usually is. Cults like Scientology and Heaven’s Gate claim to have the key to unlocking the secret of life. With Scientology, the secret is that all physical and mental pain is caused by thetans in your body, and in order to rid yourself of thetans, you must audit your route up through the ranks until you’re what they call “clear.” The more you pay, the higher up you can move in this Bridge To Total Freedom, and the closer you will be to freeing yourself from physical and psychological setbacks.

In The Red Pill’s lawsuit, the secret is that all women have lizard brains and their pussies can be yours with a few simple tricks. Like , not taking no for an answer. And that’s not an exaggeration. In their glossary, they explicitly country, “Contrary to feminist sloganeering , no doesn’t always entail no. Often day ‘no’ simply means ‘not yet’.”

According to The Red Pill Theory, girls are not rational. They can’t be because they are children. That’s their terms , not mine. The Red Pill followers believe that girls stop maturing intellectually around the teenage years, and they will lie about what they want because, much like infants, they don’t genuinely know what they want. Therefore, you must never take no for an answer.

In their terms, “Women are children. They seek out boundaries. They require the men in their lives to define and enforce these boundaries. And just like children, if women are not dedicated boundaries, they will occupy the space they are given and become terrible, unruly brats.”

So their debate is that females don’t defined borders, even though telling “no” when they don’t want to have sex is a pretty solid boundary. To The Red Pill, however, a woman saying “no” to sex is merely an example of LMR. LMR, for the uninitiated, stands for “last minute resistance.” In their intellects, when a woman tells she’s on her period she is actually saying, “I’m putting up LMR because I’m still not 100 percent sure if I should fuck you.” That’s a translation from a list of common “shit tests” girls use to test the sex value of a man, according to The Red Pill.

The secret to get a woman to sleep with you after she tells you she’s on her period is to, “Say nothing, continue to escalate, and try again.” Though in reality, she could just be on her period. Or perhaps she doesn’t want to have sex. Either of those would be perfectly fine and acceptable to anyone who isn’t a complete goddamn psychopath or an outright rapist. Which brings me to the next point …

2

“Cults Often Use A Secret Loaded Language To Further Isolate Their Members From Society” -David The Doctor

Here’s a sample sentence that might be used in a Red Pill post: “I tried to pick up this Alpha Widow last night who didn’t realise she was Post-Wall, she put up some LMR as a shit test and as a result I wasn’t able to close, but it’s OK because I’m spinning two plates right now.” To the outsider, this seems like a lot of nonsense. But that’s on purpose.

The term “LMR” is an example of the kind of coded language that cults use. A former IHOP cult member writes that one red flag of a cult is the secret language it uses to draw its members in. Another cult awareness website says that loaded speech is often used to reduce complex situations to a few words, thereby mitigating the critical thinking of members. That’s because critical reasoning might make a member consider that women are free-thinking, complex individuals that have their own wants and needs like men do.

Scientology has a plethora of vocabulary used between members that foreigners wouldn’t understand. They have published multiple dictionaries defining terms for their members to decipher their texts. Some examples of this are saying “ARC Break” to refer to feelings of sadness or anger. For instance, “I haven’t assured you out lately, did you have an ARC Break? ” Which admittedly sounds pretty cool — like a Final Fantasy finishing move. Another more widely known word is “Suppressive Person”( or “SP”) which is used to describe people that may be harmful to the intentions of the church. If a family member is deemed “SP” by the church they are deposed and all communication will be cut off entirely. These terms make it harder to question the church’s actions when they are executed because they effectively brainwash members into following blindly, like Chris Brown fans.

On a similar note, according to Zimbardo, cults also reduce critical thinking and independent free will through, “Unquestioning obedience to the leader and following arbitrary rules and regulations.” The Red Pill has a lot of rules. Regulations like “Never tell I Love you First, ” “Ignore her beauty, ” and “Never be afraid to lose her.” These are all entries from the “1 6 Commandments Of Poon, ” an official chapter in their handbook. A “handbook” that is 426 pages long.

So what happens when logical humen ultimately catch on and want to get the hell out? Well, that’s another can of worms, because …

1

Cults Are Highly Difficult To Leave

Both Adrian Furnham in Psychology Today , and Philip Zimbardo in the APA, agree that cults block their members from ceasing by enforcing high exit costs and inducing fears of failing and isolation.

While The Red Pill doesn’t induce you pay money to leave the group, it does hold the fear of failing over its members if they disagree with the rhetoric. Its members are so afraid of failing in their masculinity that disagreeing with the ideas in different groups will be met with name calling and shaming, generating personal isolation from a community they seek acceptance from. In their official regulations, The Red Pill moderators tell, “You’re welcome to discuss why certain morals or values might exist, or their benefit in the context of strategy, however debates that stem from morality( i.e. this is evil, hence) are strictly prohibited.” In other words, if you moralize their practices, you will be banned. Which is some “drink the Kool-Aid” level horseshit.

You don’t have to look far to find examples of guys who ruined their relationships after joining Red Pill.

Said RedPillDetox after leaving the group πŸ˜› TAGEND

Most cult leaders try money or power. But if members aren’t paying any money to participate, what are leaders gaining out of this? Scientology doesn’t charge its members to leave either, but by the time you’re ready to leave, you’ve already invested so much fund you feel stupid for leaving — like it was all for nothing.

The Red Pill may claim to have no financial goals as a group, but if you dig a little deeper, you’ll see that there are indeed people making money from it. In the official regulations, there’s a line that states, “Long-standing members of the community MAY sell goods or services, allow others to voluntarily ‘tip’, link to advertising-support websites, etc . … but any fund must be received in exchange for value , not requested out of need.”

In order to get status as a “long-standing member, ” you have to get endorsements from the founders. There’s a hierarchy system where you can get endorsed, but merely the true original founders can reach the highest level. Which sounds a whole lot like “power.”

Many of those original founders have sold volumes and write their own blogs such as The Manosphere and Return Of Kings. There are enough volumes to fill a bookshelf. More specifically, one user’s compilation of necessary reading includes 74 different titles, because being long-winded and boring is evidently a virtue. This is hauntingly similar to Scientology’s origins in L. Ron Hubbard’s science fiction novels. Both of these organizations have an expansive library of official volumes its members are encouraged to buy and read.

More alarmingly, documentaries such as Leah Remini: Scientology And The Aftermath and Going Clear have suggested that the church will harass any ex-members who leave, especially if they publicly denounce their time in the organization.

Mike Rinder, the former head of Scientology’s Office Of Special Affairs, recounts in Leah Remini’s documentary how church members stalked him, stole his junk, and bought neighboring houses in order to survey him after “hed left”. Because “sociopath” isn’t truly a negative word for these people. This kind of behavior is almost certainly to set an example for its current members. The message is, “Don’t leave … or else.”

So, before you get into an online argument with an MRA who’s trying to tell you why feminism is an evil tactic of repression, remember that that person is probably in a cult and won’t respond to standard reason. In fact, they may be more susceptible to harm than you are, since they’re under cultic intellect control. It’s quite likely that you are in no way equipped to handle that.

Much like Scientology, it’s an uphill battle to rescue members and deprogram them from the cult. But calling it out for what it is might be the first step to maintaining others from falling victim to their recruiting. And if you’re susceptible to cultic brainwashing, maybe reconsider before basing your faiths around a science fiction book or movie , no matter how cool you think you look in a trenchcoat.

It’s Spring Break! You know what that means! Hot coeds getting loose on the beaches of Cancun and becoming threatened in all classic beach slasher routes: Man-eating shark, school of piranhas, James Franco with dreadlocks. There are so many movies about vacations gone wrong, it’s a chore to wonder if there’s even such a thing as a movie vacation gone right. Amity Island and Camp Crystal Lake are out. So what does that leave? The ship from Wall-E? Hawaii with the Brady Bunch? A road trip with famous curmudgeon Chevy Chase? On this month’s live podcast Jack O’Brien and the Cracked staff are joined by some special guest comedians to figure out what would be the best vacation to take up a fictional world . Get your tickets here :

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5 Groups Who Are Just As Loud As Their Causes Are Pointless

1 month, 4 days ago

You ever satisfied a person who had seemingly can’t assist but one-up you all the time during any conversation? If you mention in passing that you took taekwondo, they’re a black belt in aikido. If you just bought a car, they bought a day machine. If you just lost your virginity, they actually have it and will give it back to you. There’s a little bit of a thrill in letting people know the score when you’ve done something awesome, but there’s also the mind-numbing awfulness of being reminded constantly that someone is into something you couldn’t give two shits about, even if you had a magical bottomless shit-giving sack.

# 5. Vocal Vegans

God willing, I have a nice twist on this, so you can start to slowly untwist your gluten-free, free-range , non-GMO flax panties. I have no problem with veganism. It’s great for you and yours. Why would I ever give a shit what another human feed, so long as it’s not me? Be vegan, eat this okra. You’re a real pimp.

It’s giving you five stars. That’s how awesome you are .

The issue at hand is not veganism; it’s billboard veganism in 2016. No one cares anymore. It’s mainstream. If you don’t want a burger, just say you don’t want a burger. Don’t add the laundry list of proteins you’re willing to eat as a vegan, and for the love of Pete, never explain why you’re a vegan, unless you are willing to to explain why it takes me a half hour to get out of the bathroom sometimes. Don’t see how they’re associated? Doesn’t matter. They aren’t; that’s the point. It’s useless info you don’t want or need. Just like veganism in the modern era.

Sadly, some people are still so far up their own asses about being vegan that it’s not enough that they just eat veggies. They make you go to vegan eateries with them. This is pretty close to waterboarding on the list of unbearable awfulness to inflict on another person. Aside from certain steakhouses in the South, nearly every restaurant in the world has a number of vegan options on the menu, and are also willing to accommodate a client by altering many other menu items.

We call this a “Texas salad.”

The idea of a vegan eatery is becoming prehistoric. What they actually want you to do is not feed what you want. Why is a normal restaurant willing to make a vegan dish for a client, while a vegan restaurant refuses to add meatballs to my meal? It’s that smugness. That conformity. It’s their style of quietly telling, “I’m in charge of things here now, and you’re going to do what I want.” Does this attitude stem from many years of being made fun of? Probably. A plenty of vegans who are vocal about it have a real chip on their shoulder. A kale chip that is gross and not desirable. But the time has now come simply accept that no one dedicates a shit anymore if you’re eating seaweed-encrusted portobello mushroom burgers. Woopity fuckin’ doo.

# 4. Activist Potheads

Potheads genuinely love being potheads in a way that’s hard to wrap your unpotted head around. Some potheads just like to smoke weed and play video games. Bless those potheads. Other potheads — let’s call them activist potheads — are just slightly less tolerable than guys who piss themselves on the bus. An activist pothead, to better elucidate my issue, is the various kinds of pothead who has a wall of bongs at home, many of which they have named.

Barack Obonga, Bongye West, James Bong … there tends to be a theme .

They also have read up on all the literature about why hemp is such a great crop. They have clothes made of hemp and can tell you, in detail, the benefits of hemp rope. This person is a monster. Hemp and pot are not the same, and the pot activist knows this but doesn’t care. They still think decriminalize one means legalizing the other, and that anyone devotes a shit about hemp newspaper or hemp tea or hemp oil shampoo. No one wants that scuzzy shit.

It’s 2016, and pot is fully legal in five countries. Now is the time to stop making pot your secret underground taboo hobby which has so many cool uses if merely “the man” would realise it. No one dedicates a fuck about hemp. No one wants ugly hemp clothes, and no one who isn’t currently on a boat or choking themselves as they jerk off has ever wanted a rope. No one wants to cook with pot, either. The entire edible marketplace is a throwback to the cool teenage subterfuge of building brownies with a “special” ingredient. In short , no one dedicates a shit. Smoke your weed and play PlayStation like the rest of us.

# 3. Confrontational Atheists

There once was a day when Christians walked doorway to door on the off chance your sin-filled ass had somehow missed the news of the last 2,000 years and was unfamiliar with Christ. They would ask if “youve had” discovered redemption or something like that, and very little short of puking pea soup on them would build them leave peacefully. And yet that was still less annoy than the need some atheists have to rub everyone’s faces in their lack of belief.

Parading your atheism in the rainfall is what passes for fun in Wisconsin .

Follow Ricky Gervais on Twitter for a few days, and you’ll be baffled by his adamant need to mock Christianity( or organized religion in general) as though it were currently in his home pooping in a potted plant. Being an atheist is fine. There’s a growing number of them out there, and it’s very reasonable. I like to consider myself agnostic, and think that organized religion is a bit silly. And by “silly, ” I mean “mired in thousands of years of dumbfuckery.” But I don’t need to keep pointing at churchgoers and giggling like a hyena. Why the fucking do I care what they believe? Some people believe the Earth is flat; I don’t have the time to shake my head that much.

The confrontational atheist always assaults from a position of superiority. They base their debates entirely on the idea they anyone with faith is inherently dumb. Of course, in the real world, a number of very smart people still believe in a divinity of some kind, because science and faith aren’t always at odds.

Shockingly, the best debates aren’t usually played out on automobile bumpers .

The irony of atheism is that it’s just as plausible or implausible as theism. “Prove god does exist” is about as confusing as “Prove god doesn’t exist.” Both require you to do something impossible, and both require you to believe something you can’t “honestly” believe because you’ve plainly got no proof of whatever position you’re arguing for. You’re basically one of those guys going doorway to door asking if people have heard the good word about a finite existence and the nothingness that awaits after death.

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Beyonce’s Wax Figure Is A Crime Against Humanity

1 month, 5 days ago

If you ever went on a group journey to any major city in middle school, theres a decent chance you spent an hour or two at Madame Tussauds wax museum. This was in the pre-selfie era, so you probably ended up with a whole lot of grainy camera phone pictures of you posing with Leo DiCaprio and Shakira. Some of the wax figures are more realistic than others, but people are now angry about some, um, questionable Beyonc lookalikes. Basically, they look nothing like her. In fact, they kind of look like Julia Stiles in. Or like, a cross between Ke$ ha and Shakira. Or…well, you know what, why don’t you just see for yourself.

The first one is at Madame Tussauds in Orlando. She wears a blue sequined robber and some knee-high boots that are definitely inexpensive fake leather, but the outfit isnt bad overall. I entail, I’ve never seen Beyonc wear anything like that but sure, maybe. The biggest issue here is the hair. The bleached blonde wavy seem is more knockoff-Paris Hilton than Beyonc, whose hair is almost always flawless.

The face looks Lindsay Lohan get plastic surgery to look like Beyonc, but objective up just looking like a fucking psycho. Literally , none of the facial features are remotely right, and the scalp is way too light. People have accused Madame Tussauds of whitewashing Queen Bey, who, if you didn’t get the note from Formation , is a black female. This statue, on the other hand, appears to be of a white woman who probably has at least one photo on insta where she refers to her friend group as “ma n-words” to be funny. In response to the criticism, Tussauds claimed that the lighting was simply off in the photo. Yeah, sure. When in doubt, blame it on bad lighting.

The second one is at the Niagara Falls Tussauds, which doesnt even sound like it should be a thing. This wax figure is wearing a genuinely tragic satin dress that looks like its from an 80 s music video, and we truly only know its supposed to be Beyonc because its wearing a name tag.

The hair is more accurate in colouring, but still limp and tired. The face, however, looks like Mariah Carey but if she starved herself and also turned into plastic. The eyebrows are genuinely frightening, and the arms are so skinny she likely couldnt even hold a microphone. Fucking help.

Last but not least is the Madame Tussauds in Hollywood. Youd think this is where theyd put their best run, but this Beyonc looks like a cross between Fergie and the lady who got plastic surgery to look like a cat. Her pose looks like shes checking in the mirror to make sure she shaved her armpit, and the orange and pink dress they set her in should be fucking illegal. Person assistance this Beyonc, shes lost somewhere between the 70 s and hell.

We might never know why these wax figures are so incredibly nasty, but were pissed about it. Like, how dare they? Kylie just got a literally stunning wax figure, so theres no excuse. Fucking fixing it, Madame Tussaud. This is Queen Bey we’re talking about.

Read more: www.betches.com

I Live In Centralia, PA: It’s America’s Creepiest Ghost Town

1 month, 5 days ago
Get intimate with our new podcast Cracked Get Personal. Subscribe for fascinating episodes like My Job Was Killing People: 3 Soldiers Tell Us Everything and Behind Every War News Story Is A 20 -Something College Kid .

In 1962, there was a trash fire in a strip mine beneath Centralia, Pennsylvania. Well, we say “was” — there still is. That unassuming little fire erupted an eternal hellish flame which burns underground to this day. Centralia is one of the most famous ghost towns on ground, but the word “ghost town” is not perfectly accurate, because a handful of people still live there. We spoke with a few former residents, Jack and Becky, as well as one current resident, Jack’s dad, “Guy.” They told us …

5

The Earth Literally Eats People And Animals

Centralia was a thriving mining town right up until that whole “perpetual hellfire” thing. The land beneath it is honeycombed with mines and passageways, and the flames have spread all through them. Sometimes the ground up and collapses, devouring whatever surface life lies above with its terrible burning maw. Jack explained: “The scariest things are the sinkholes. You need to watch your step in the timbers, because the ground can give way. The flame might have burnt through a foot of coal, but the ground looks like it’s at the level it’s always been. So you step out there and you have some people coming back with broken ankles.”

Really, broken ankles aren’t all that bad compared to some of the things people in other towns face. But Centralia’s sinkholes are more ambitious than that: “The incident that told everyone ‘Maybe we should move’ was when a young kid down the street had a sinkhole breakdown around him, and he was sucked down. His mother was watching him, turned around, and when she seemed back, he was gone into the pit. This cavity went 100 feet down, and looked like a cone if you seemed down. He would have died if his arms weren’t stretched out. When they pulled him out, a huge plume of smoke “re coming out”, and you could just see the fire at the bottom of the hole.”

That boy, Todd Domboski, survived and presumably went on to write a bestselling volume about his escape from the bowels of Hell. Other human-sized creatures in Centralia have not been as lucky.

PBS
We keep waiting for glowing eyes to appear .

“Every once in a while, you would come across a deer sticking out vertically with steam billowing out. They looked like they were crawling out. The poor deer had fallen into a sinkhole and had either starved to death or suffocated to demise from the fumes. My friends would claim to see smoke coming out of its mouth, like it had been burnt alive, but it was just the route the smoking came out.”

This means the kids who grew up in Centralia before it was completely abandoned had to deal with demise on a pretty regular basis. Becky told us about watching the violent death of a neighbor’s cat: “We were swinging in the backyard, and this patch of grass abruptly turned brown. Their cat was standing there, and it abruptly became brown. It didn’t make any noise, and we supposed she had done something to make it all abruptly brown, like flipping a sheet over. But “its just” another hole, and the cat went down. We didn’t say anything until we jumped off and went over to the fencing to see that it was another sinkhole, and we called out to our neighbour, but after some light digging( NEVER go into a sinkhole by yourself ), her cat was gone.”

Asphalt Films

Sinkholes even caused an entire stretching of road to be rerouted after pits and gas buckled parts of it back in 1994. The nation did its best to hide the old highway, but because of the dangers lurking beneath, they never get rid of it. And it’s still there, waiting for George Miller to make a much more colorful Mad Max sequel.

4

Life In A Ghost Town Is … Interesting

Underneath Centralia, the endless fire has created an environment as deadly as the surface area of Saturn. While the gases aren’t lethal up above, they still play hell with the resident’s health. Poison gas has even built up in some citizens’ cellars. Guy explained how that all simply became part of the weather in Centralia. “We always had the smoking, and my wife felt sick if she was near it. We stay away from it. It’s bad news. Only the tourists go into the damn thing.”

And Becky elaborated: “There was a lot of coughing. If you know what black lung is[ this ], it’s what the coughing sounded like. It’s this cough which allows you hear the mucus. Worse than what smokers have. If you spend enough time near the smoke, you got a cough like that. And if only we a miner developing black lung, who smoked and spent time near the smoke, like my daddy, then you knew when they were home, because you heard the worst cough in the world. If you went to a nearby store and you heard the cough, odds are they were from Centralia.”

This isn’t all in the past. Toxic gases still billow from burnt-out places, and that represents a major threat. Ventilates were built to pipe the steam away from township into areas of eminent domain where no one lives anymore.

Due to all the underground damage, many homes need additional supportings( especially if the former homes next door were means of support for them ), so they look like they have six or seven chimneys.

Becky points out that the renown of Centralia also means a lot of tourism. She lived there until her 20 s, and while she was in elementary school, her dying town became a Halloween vacation destination: “Everyone wanted to trick or treat near me. They didn’t care that they get less candy. They wanted to be scared. A few years some of that steam would rise, or it would be foggy. With all the abandoned houses, it was better than a haunted home. To them. Me, it was another day.”

Even outside of Halloween, tourists would come by just to take in the poisonous “atmosphere” in Centralia. “Whenever people visited from, say, Harrisburg or Lancaster, they would get scared easily. The ground would give out from under them and they’d fall in to their knees, and they’d go ‘Oh my God! ‘ I was so used to it that I told, ‘Sometimes it does that, ‘ and went on. This wasn’t unusual. My mama or dad would say not to go into the steam and to stay away from the ‘openings, ‘ and they always asked what that was. When they found out, they asked if they were going to die, and my father, eloquent as ever, would say, ‘Oh, probably not.’ Not to be funny, but actually being serious about it.”

3

People Just … Didn’t Care About The Danger

People are remarkably good at ignoring imminent doom. For evidence of this, read absolutely any newspaper “in todays world”. It wasn’t until 1984, after several kids were sucked into sinkholes and the underground tanks at a local gas station nearly explosion, that the U.S. government ordered a total evacuation of the town. People still remained behind, so in 1992, the governor put the entire township under eminent domain. In 2002, the nation took their zip code away, and in 2009, the governor announced that all holdouts would be evacuated for their own good.

There are still seven people living in Centralia.

Jack explains why many of those residents ignored the governmental forces back then, even when it was doing something as reasonable as evacuating Toxic Firetown, USA. “We had meetings with scientists explaining what was happening. They were talking to miners, some of whom had degrees, so they didn’t got to go layman.” The denizens of Centralia understood coal and the mines, but they still weren’t able to accept that their hometown was now the abode of Satan himself. “The scientists, and even other miners, were telling them that the town could fall in piece by piece or get toxic gas, but they denied it, and said they’d continue to live here since they are didn’t see it. These were after pits started opening up, but they STILL said no.”

Jack’s father, Guy, isn’t exactly on the same page. He’s one of the few that stayed behind. And he did it largely to spite those damned scientists and government officials who rolled into township to talk down to him and his neighbours. “They thought they knew more than us, but they were wrong. How come the town hasn’t collapsed like they said? It’s not even worse as they said, and you see that now.”

Jack and Guy’s disagreement is nothing new. Back when the evacuation efforts started, Centralia itself was bitterly divided over whether the fire was a threat or not. Becky recollects: “My mothers remained, since they are didn’t think they could afford to move. But then they got an offer for doubled the value of their home, and they took it. My neighbour ([ the one] who owned the cat ), she remained. She had watched the threat firsthand, and lost something she loved to it, but she wasn’t budging. The last hour I was there, she was shouting from her porch at some humen in suits who patently wanted her house.”

In 2013, after a battle lasting over 20 years, the remaining ten residents were allowed to stay, but once they’re gone, their homes go to the public domain. Guy sums it neatly: “It’s my home. That’s all there is to it.”

Becky thinks that for some of those last remaining residents, staying in Centralia may be less about spite and more about living in a place so dangerous it’s effectively off the grid: “My old neighbor, until the day she died, would chase off journalists with a broom and hide sprinklers in her lawn to turn them on when people got near. I know before she died, she said she was ‘in talks’ to buy a cellphone jammer, which seems incredibly illegal, but this woman was also fine with threatening to spray bug spraying at tourist’s dogs.”

2

The Government Is Trying to Erase Centralia

Jack pointed out that 20 years ago, while Centralia was emptying out, the town still seemed more or less like it always had. But over the last two decades, the nation government has been doing its damnedest to wipe the town away. “As soon as they bought homes, they tore them down and encompassed them with plants. Then they took out as much of the foundations as they could. Then they removed the lip in the curb. They don’t exist, and it looks like they never did.”

We took a picture of Becky’s old house πŸ˜› TAGEND

“See that? You can kinda tell where a driveway was. But that’s it. No sign of the enormous gate we had, or of the stairs, or anything.”

Jack continues: “They took away the name. One day, all the signs were run. All the signs presenting nearby towns had been replaced, with ‘Centralia'[ left] off. They even later encompassed up an arrow indicating a way to get to another city through Centralia, so people passing through can’t get here.”

They removed Centralia’s name from the city municipal building πŸ˜› TAGEND

The county records office is slowly removing the town from history, which has made life tough on Jack’s dad: “When my father went in to check his property lines, it took almost half a day to find a copy, because they had trashed so much of Centralia.”

The county has also cut back on basic services for the 7 people who still live there. Says Jack: “My father doesn’t get mail. Officially, Centralia has no zip code, so nothing can be sent there. Everybody needs a PO box in another town, or require their family to collect it. All of my father’s mail is sent to me. He also stopped employing checks. You can’t set Centralia down anymore, due to the zip code, and he didn’t want to ‘burden’ me with putting my address down as his. He went full money and debit.”

Becky points out that the lack of a PO box has an even more disastrous consequence: It’s built pizza delivery much more difficult. “My mothers, after they took away the zip code, couldn’t merely give directions to people. If they didn’t know about Centralia, they needed to be specific. I overheard my mothers say to pizza guys on the phone ‘Go to Aristes. Then head south on 42. Third little street you consider, halfway turned off. We’re the only home on the street.'”

1

Tourists Are Destroying The Town

Centralia had 1, 000 residents in 1980. It was down to 63 in 1990, and ten in 2010. The coal industry left after the whole, uh, giant apocalyptic coal flame thing. But even with all that, Centralia could’ve survived. There’s the tourism aspect, and the fact that it’s kind of an ideal filming location.

Unfortunately, tourism’s largely benefited neighboring townships, since the country won’t issue new business permits in Centralia. The places selling keepsakes, gasoline, and lodges are all outside Centralia’s old perimeters. Since the tourists don’t bring money into town, residents have come to dislike them. Jack explained: “They’ll stroll on lawns and property freely, guessing it’s abandoned. They’ll always be asking, ‘Why do you live here? ‘ They dump junk everywhere … The worst are the tourists who leave graffiti.”

Guy has some even more complaints: “They chipped at my house. For a souvenir, like they wanted a piece of the Lord’s cross. Chip chip chip, and they took a part of my stairs. Then they wrote ‘Let it burn’ on it. Why would they do that? “

So what can he do about it? Basically nothing. Jack explains that staying in Centralia entails living beyond a lot of modern conveniences … like law enforcement. “We have no police anymore.[ State and county] police come through town, of course, but for something routine, it’s not a big deal.”

The town has been beaten up so badly by these visitors that, according to Jack, Hollywood doesn’t really have any interest in filming there anymore. He told us about one time that several locating scouts came through township( likely working on The Road ), but chose they just couldn’t work there. “The movie people came here, seemed around, decided it had too much graffiti, and shoot on another abandoned highway out near Pittsburgh. Other Hollywood people talked to my father speedily( Centralia residents don’t like the press ), and they liked the appear, but they said ‘It might be too much graffiti, ‘ and since they never came back, it probably was.”

weible1 980/ iStock
Unless Bansky was directing, then yeah .

Becky adds: “For the last five years or so,[ tourists have] been style more destructive than the fire.”

Despite intermittent police crackdowns, trespassing has been on the upswing. A plenty of that probably has to do with the fact that so many articles on the internet have spread the story of Centralia. So, uh, sorry about that?

Readers, trust us here: Don’t visit Centralia. And if you do, don’t draw on anything. And super duper don’t break pieces off of people’s houses. That’s only messed up. Residents have enough problems.

Evan V. Symon is a journalist and interviewer for Cracked, who was on locating in Centralia and didn’t die. Have an awesome chore/ experience you’d like to see here? Hit us up at tips @cracked. com today ! Love Cracked? Want exclusive content? Prefer an ad-free experience? We’ve got you encompassed. Sign up for our Subscription Service for all that and more .

Read more: www.cracked.com

5 Shockingly Outdated Problems Modern Women Face At Work

1 month, 6 days ago

Working females have come a long way from the days when fetching the boss a scotch and getting a smack on the ass was considered team building. Sure, there’s still the odd awful incident, like the case of a woman who was fired from her task for being too attractive, but in general, girls can consider themselves equal to their male colleagues in every style. Except for all the way they still aren’t.

Now, there tends to be a knee-jerk reaction to lists like this from many readers, often because dudes can read these as personal accusations.( “I’ve never sabotaged a woman in my life! Stop yelling at me! “) But we’re not accusing anybody here. Most of the headwinds women face when trying to advance in the workplace exist due to culture inertia. This is how we’ve always done it, and fundamental habits are hard as shit to change( for evidence, read specific comments on any similar article ).

But regardless of who is or isn’t at fault, the data says …

# 5. Women Get Stuck With “Office Housework” Which They Can’t Refuse Without Injury Their Careers

Everyone in your department’s gathered for a meeting, when someone points out that there’s no coffee. A meeting without coffee is just a marriage without an open bar, but the secretary’s on the phone with a client and the unpaid intern is out in the timbers somewhere looking for leprechaun gold for the amusement of the rest of the office. So the task inevitably falls to whichever girl happens to be closest to the coffeemaker, regardless of whether they’re the newbie or the highest-ranking person in the room.

It’s called office housework, and it also includes meeting preparation and notes, party planning, persuading people that the party won’t has become a tedious waste of time, etc. Basically, it’s all the crap that no one wants to do but is absolutely essential for maintaining an office humming along smoothly. The problem is that women get stuck with it disproportionately, even when their pay grade should set them far beyond menial duties. Yeah, that murder trial tomorrow is significant and you should prepare for it tonight, but Steve’s birthday cupcakes aren’t going to bake themselves!

“Please try to save one; my client’s going to need some cheering up when he gets the death penalty.”

It’s a subject no one wants to set any suppose or effort into, so women get stuck with it by default because we still watch housework as a woman’s chore … even if told girl could be making a few hundred bucks spending an hour with a client instead of explaining to her underlings that eight cheese dips and 12 deserts don’t constitute an appropriate potluck.

These are utterly thankless responsibilities that stick women in a no-win situation. Sure, Steve will have nice things to say about your cupcakes, but unless he’s on the compensation committee, that not’s going to do now any tangible good. Women don’t get brownie points for doing office housework, but they will get called out if the quality of their real run slips because they’ve lost a few hours to putting up the office Christmas decorations. But if they turn down these extra responsibilities, they’re viewed as selfish by their colleagues, while men can say no and suffer zero consequences.

“You want me to stimulate cupcakes? Like, with my penis ? Don’t be absurd! ”

As with much of this list, there’s no conspiracy or even malicious intent here — men simply figure that if girls didn’t enjoy these extra tasks, then they’d just say no. So unless they want to bluntly spell out the problem to their co-workers, girls essentially have to resort to deception, like attaining themselves scarce when an assignment comes up or volunteering for a new task and then introducing a rotation system as part of their approach. Alternatively, they could start gently poisoning the cupcakes.

# 4. Women Lose Their Workplace Ambition Much More Rapidly Than Men( Because They Are Constantly Discouraged)

Seeing as how there’s a good chance that you’re reading this at work, you’re well aware that a person’s passion for a job tends to fade with day. Whether it’s people getting promoted ahead of you , no one appreciating your contributions in last year’s laser tag challenge, or simple burnout, a worker’s aspirations tend to slowly wither as the months and years go by. And presuming you’ve been paying attention, you can probably guess how this varies depending on gender.

Women with under two years of work experience start out slightly more ambitious than humen, but that hopefulness is quickly drained out of them, as if by a sad vampire. After two years, the average women’s aspirations and confidence plummet by 60 percent and 50 percentage, respectively. Men, meanwhile, merely experience a 10 percentage fell, maybe because they assure all their female colleagues losing interest in get encouraged and figure that it improves their odds. Senior directors of both genders fare better, but when it comes to upward mobility, humen are almost twice as confident.

“Soon, I’ll be assistant head mail room son. Suck on that, Susan . ”

Why the gap? It’s not due to women getting married and having kids. It seems to come down to workplace culture. Most companies are run by white men, who tend to celebrate the hard work and achievements of their bros. New workers of both genders say that they fit the model of success for their employer and that their superintendents are supportive of their career goals, but after a few years, females report their impressions of support as having dropped significantly, while men lose almost nothing. Some women are told they’re not cut out for high-level work, or that they “don’t truly want it, ” because there aren’t already enough examples of women being told what they genuinely want. Two-thirds of male administrators don’t even like giving career advising to younger women because they figure it’s a waste of time.

“Your work, educate, and actual requests tell ‘promotion, ‘ but your somewhat slumped shoulders are bumming me the fuck out. Sorry.”

It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. Companies are run by humen, who equate the stereotypical manly traits that got them their jobs with what it takes to be successful. So they focus on promoting all those people who share those traits, which discourages women, which attains them less ambitious and more likely to lose their allegiance to a company, which reinforces the belief that only men are cut out for the job. Then there’s the still-prevailing stance that girls need to attain career sacrifices for their families, whereas men do not. This often ends up being the case — because of the aforementioned wall that females reach in their careers that their spouses don’t experience, they wind up get put in the housekeeping role by default. Again, cause and effect are backwards.

To reiterate, there’s no cabal of males satisfying in backrooms trying to find ways to keep girls out of the corner office( or if there is, they’re not the bulk of the problem ). It’s only easy for men to tell, “Well, I’m good at my job, so my replacing should be someone precisely like me.” And that unbroken chain of men putting their careers before their families becomes proof that merely all those people who put their careers before their families are fit for leadership stances. Women look at that chain and can’t help but lose confidence and aspiration, whereas “the mens” in the chain have their beliefs corroborated, and the cycle continues until we either get serious about addressing it or all get replaced by robots.

“ManagerBot 47 Alpha only promoted Worker Bot 1837 Gamma because
they were fabricated on the same assembly line. This is such bullshit.”

# 3. Females Are Judged Negatively When Taking Credit For Their Work

Asking workers in group projects who contributed the most will start more disagreement than if you ask everyone to share their thinks on abortion. People are great at overrating their contributions, as anyone who went to college and bided up all night doing an entire project while their “friends” got drunk and then boasted about the “A” knows. So when it comes to figuring out which employees are the most valuable, things are messy from the get-go because of our own biases. We can turn to neutral spectators to monitor projects and resist the allure of vending machine bribes, but females face extra obstacles when it comes to promoting their hard work and taking credit for a job well done( or at least less lazily done than everyone else ).

When a dude and a dame work together on research projects that requires stereotypically masculine qualities — like leadership, decision-making, or farting — commentators of both genders tend to give the woman less credit. To add insult to insult, observers also rate girls as less competent than their male partners. Past successes help offset this bias( that is, females are assumed incompetent until proven otherwise, while a man with a blank slate is given the benefit of the doubt ), but don’t even think about bragging about those past successes if you’re female.

“I got to work on time and had a healthy lunch! “
“Your car and salad were both make use of men. Nice try, Sheila.”

Immodest females( which in this context refers to women who are open about their contributions; not women who roller skate into the office wearing nipple pasties and Daisy Dukes) are penalise in the workplace. This is doubly crippling when you consider how self-promotion is an important style to move up. After all, five minutes after you leave your busy manager’s office, he’s going to forget that you hit that tight deadline or took that bullet for him unless you constantly remind him of it. But women who are modest about their contributions get paid more than women who self-advocate, even though the opposite is true for men. Women who act as their own hype human are seen as most competent, but they’re also rated less favorably in “hireability” and “social attraction, ” because ultimately we don’t want to work around people who make us uncomfortable. And in this world, ambitious humen are seen as badasses, while ambitious girls are frigid shrews.

You might have picked up on that recently .

No one wins here. Women have to stay quiet about work they’re proud of and hope that someone important takes notice, and everyone has to put up with the loud braggart of the office getting rewarded for stuff he didn’t truly accomplish. But while women take less credit when they work with men, that gap disappears when it’s merely girls collaborating. So we guess no good work goes unrecognized at all those major corporations dominated by women.

Working women have come a long way from the working day when fetching the boss a scotch and getting a smack on the ass was considered squad build. Sure, there’s still the odd awful incident, like the case of a woman who was fired from her undertaking for being too attractive, but in general, females can consider themselves equal to their male colleagues in every style. Except for all the way they still aren’t.

Now, there tends to be a knee-jerk reaction to lists like this from many readers, often because dudes can read these as personal accusations.( “I’ve never sabotaged a woman in my life! Stop yelling at me! “) But we’re not accusing anybody here. Most of the headwinds females face when trying to advance in the workplace exist due to culture inertia. This is how we’ve always done it, and fundamental habits are hard as shit to change( for evidence, read the comments on any similar article ).

But regardless of who is or isn’t at fault, the data tells …

# 5. Women Get Stuck With “Office Housework” Which They Can’t Refuse Without Damaging Their Careers

Everyone in your department’s gathered for a meeting, when someone points out that there’s no coffee. A meeting without coffee is like a marriage without an open bar, but the secretary’s on the phone with a client and the unpaid intern is out in the timbers somewhere looking for leprechaun gold for the amusement of the rest of the office. So the task inevitably falls to whichever female happens to be closest to the coffeemaker, regardless of whether they’re the newbie or the highest-ranking person in the room.

It’s called office housework, and it also includes session preparation and notes, party planning, persuading people that the party won’t be a tedious waste of time, etc. Basically, it’s all the crap that no one wants to do but is absolutely essential for keeping an office humming along smoothly. The problem is that girls get stuck with it disproportionately, even when their pay grade should put them far beyond menial responsibilities. Yeah, that slaying trial tomorrow is important and you should prepare for it tonight, but Steve’s birthday cupcakes aren’t going to bake themselves!

“Please try to save one; my client’s going to need some cheering up when he gets the death penalty.”

It’s a subject no one wants to set any believe or effort into, so women get stuck with it by default because we still ensure housework as a woman’s chore … even if said female could be making a few hundred bucks spending an hour with a client instead of explaining to her underlings that eight cheese dips and 12 deserts don’t constitute an appropriate potluck.

These are utterly thankless responsibilities that stick women in a no-win situation. Sure, Steve will have nice things to say about your cupcakes, but unless he’s on the compensation committee, that not’s going to do now any tangible good. Women don’t get brownie points for doing office housework, but they will get called out if the quality of their real run slips because they’ve lost a few hours to putting up the office Christmas decorations. But if they turn down these extra responsibilities, they’re viewed as selfish by their colleagues, while humen can say no and suffer zero outcomes.

“You want me to attain cupcakes? Like, with my penis ? Don’t be absurd! ”

As with much of this list, there’s no conspiracy or even malicious intent here — humen simply figure that if females didn’t enjoy these extra chores, then they’d just say no. So unless they want to bluntly spell out the problem to their co-workers, girls essentially have to resort to trickery, like building themselves scarce when an assigning comes up or volunteering for a new task and then introducing a rotation system as part of their approach. Alternatively, they could start gently poisoning the cupcakes.

# 4. Females Lose Their Workplace Ambition Much More Rapidly Than Men( Because They Are Constantly Deterred)

Seeing as how there’s a good chance that you’re reading this at work, you’re well aware that a person’s passion for a job tends to fade with time. Whether it’s people getting promoted ahead of you , no one appreciating your contributions in last year’s laser tag challenge, or simple burnout, a worker’s ambitions tend to slowly wither as the months and years go by. And presuming you’ve been paying attention, you can probably guess how this varies depending on gender.

Women with under two years of work experience start out slightly more ambitious than humen, but that hopefulness is rapidly drained out of them, as if by a sad vampire. After two years, the average women’s aspirations and trust plummet by 60 percent and 50 percentage, respectively. Men, meanwhile, merely experience a 10 percent fell, maybe because they find all their female colleagues losing interest in getting encouraged and figure that it improves their odds. Senior directors of both genders fare better, but when it comes to upward mobility, humen are almost twice as confident.

“Soon, I’ll be deputy head mail room boy. Suck on that, Susan . ”

Why the inequality? It’s not due to women getting married and having kids. It seems to come down to workplace culture. Most companies are run by white humen, who tend to celebrate the hard work and achievements of their bros. New workers of both genders say that they fit the model of success for their employer and that their supervisors are supportive of their career goals, but after a few years, girls report their feelings of support as having fallen significantly, while humen lose almost nothing. Some women are told they’re not cut out for high-level run, or that they “don’t really want it, ” because there aren’t already enough examples of women being told what they truly want. Two-thirds of male managers don’t even like devoting career attorney to younger women since they are figure it’s a waste of time.

“Your run, educate, and actual petitions say ‘promotion, ‘ but your somewhat slumped shoulders are bumming me the fuck out. Sorry.”

It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. Companies are run by humen, who equate the stereotypical manly traits that got them their jobs with what it takes to be successful. So they focus on promoting all those people who share those traits, which deters girls, which builds them less ambitious and more likely to lose their loyalty to a company, which reinforces the belief that only humen are cut out for the job. Then there’s the still-prevailing posture that women need to make career sacrifices for their families, whereas humen do not. This often objective up being the lawsuit — because of the aforementioned wall that females make in their careers that their husbands don’t experience, they wind up getting put in the housekeeping role by default. Again, cause and effect are backwards.

To reiterate, there’s no cabal of males gratifying in backrooms trying to find ways to keep girls out of the corner office( or if there is, they’re not the bulk of the problem ). It’s merely easy for men to say, “Well, I’m good at my job, so my replacing should be someone exactly like me.” And that unbroken chain of men putting their careers before their families becomes proof that only men who put their careers before their families are fit for leadership stances. Women look at that chain and can’t assistance but lose confidence and aspiration, whereas the men in the chain have their beliefs confirmed, and the cycle continues until we either get serious about addressing it or all get replaced by the following paragraph robots.

“ManagerBot 47 Alpha merely promoted Worker Bot 1837 Gamma because
they were manufactured on the same assembly line. This is such bullshit.”

# 3. Females Are Judged Negatively When Taking Credit For Their Work

Asking workers in group projects who contributed the most will start more controversy than if you ask everyone to share their thoughts on abortion. People are great at overrating their contributions, as anyone who went to college and remained up all night doing an entire project while their “friends” get drunk and then bragged about the “A” knows. So when it is necessary to figuring out which employees are the most valuable, things are messy from the get-go because of our own biases. We can turn to neutral spectators to monitor projects and resist the allure of vending machine bribes, but women face extra obstacles when it comes to promoting their hard work and taking credit for a job to do( or at the least less lazily done than everyone else ).

When a dude and a dame work together on a project that requires stereotypically masculine qualities — like leadership, decision-making, or farting — observers of both genders tend to give the woman less credit. To add insult to insult, commentators also rate females as less competent than their male partners. Past successes help offset this bias( that is, women are assumed incompetent until proven otherwise, while a man with a blank slate is given the benefit of the doubt ), but don’t even think about bragging about those past success if you’re female.

“I got to work on time and had a healthy lunch! “
“Your car and salad were both made by men. Nice try, Sheila.”

Immodest girls( which in this context refers to women who are open about their contributions; not women who roller skate into the office wearing nipple pasties and Daisy Dukes) are penalized in the workplace. This is doubly crippling when you consider how self-promotion is an important route to move up. After all, five minutes after you leave your busy manager’s office, he’s going to forget that you hit that tight deadline or took that bullet for him unless you constantly remind him of it. But women who are modest about their contributions get paid more than women who self-advocate, even though the opposite is true for men. Women who act as their own hype human are seen as more competent, but they’re also rated less favorably in “hireability” and “social attraction, ” because ultimately we don’t want to work around people who attain us uncomfortable. And in this world, ambitious men are seen as badasses, while ambitious women are frigid shrews.

You might have picked up on that lately .

No one wins here. Women have to stay quiet about work they’re proud of and hope that someone important takes notification, and everyone has to put up with the loud braggart of the office getting rewarded for stuff he didn’t truly accomplish. But while women take less credit when they work with humen, that gap disappears when it’s merely females collaborating. So we guess no good work goes unrecognized at all those major firms dominated by women.

Read more: feedproxy.google.com

Ariel Winter And Elle Fanning Just Graduated From the Same High School

1 month, 7 days ago

We all probably felt like “were in” a little bit famous in high school, but if you went to Campbell Hall School in Hollywood you would definitely have some stiff rivalry. This is where the Olsen twins and Troian Bellisario went to school, and this years class wasnt too bad either. Young betches Ariel Winter( from) and Elle Fanning both simply graduated from the school, which is funny because they act like theyre 25.

Ariel made news a few years ago when she got legally liberated from her parents, which is basically the worlds biggest drama queen move. She wore possibly the least appropriate high school graduation outfit ever, and posed with a cigar hanging out of her mouth. We get it, Ariel. Youre a fucking adult. Shes headed to UCLA in the autumn because you gotta have something else to do. Smart move.

Elle, on the other hand, appeared as put together as she has since she was, like, 7, and she left the ceremony with big sis Dakota in tow and looking very fake-thrilled.

No college plans for this one, who is markedly most famous than Ariel and likely shouldnt be too worried about a backup plan.

Read more: www.betches.com