I’m Not A Bitch, You’re Just Drunk7 months, 24 days ago
This weekend, I received my honorary degree in Drunk Straight Boys.
Now, this might seem like Im drunk-straight-boy-shaming, but Im not. Im drunk-straight- fuckboy shaming.( Maybe. I dont know anymore. You cant even open your mouth without being accused of dishonor someone .)
( My friend once asked me if she should buy a pair of super fierce Jeffery Campbell boots, and I said, Yes, you totally should get them because you have so many pairs of sneakers and not a lot of boots! and she went around telling everyone I sneaker-shamed her. So if expressing my thoughts and impressions is dishonor, thenbaby, Im shamelessly shaming .)
( OK, I digress .)
Close your eyes and travel back in time with me to the Saturday before Halloween in New York City. The Upper East Side, to be exact.
Now, for those of you who live outside the Manhattan bubble( You poor things! Only KIDDING! Sort of .), let me tell you a bit about the Upper East Side: Its a tree-lined neighborhood full of old money, Jewish delis, top-notch laundromats, the best private school in the country, cheap nail salons and old, fabulous rich girls adorned withreal fur, strolling fluffy, freshly blow-dried puppies on monogrammed leashes while dripping in vintage diamonds as they smoke long, skinny cigarettes and the whole thing is simply lux, lux, lux .
I love the Upper East Side. I live on the Upper East Side. I was born on theUpper East Side.
However, recently, an influx of young finance bros have infiltrated my beloved area. And all these finance bro bars suddenly got peppered into the lux mix.
I understand this change on a very deep visceral level. Ive been on the Upper East Side my whole life, and there were no bros there when I was a kid. I dont believe I considered a bro in the flesh until I was 16 and went to beverage at an underage bar in Murray Hill( the only original bro neighborhood of Manhattan ).
So anyway, it was Halloween weekend, and my best friend Ruba had just flown in from London. By the time she gotthrough customs and all of that airport stuff, it was 10:30 pm and she was a jet-lagged hot mess.
We were supposed to expend her first night back in America being super fabulous, going somewhere glittery and homosexual in the West Village. But we thought, screw that , and decided to go to a local tavern on east 83 rd.
The moment I walked in the tavern, I knew I had abruptly stepped into bro territory.
And based on the drunkards general lack of spacial awareness, I also realized we were the most sober people in there.
When we stepped up to the bar to order a drinking, I felta fuzzy back pressed up against my naked back.( I was wearing a crop top and cat ears because I love to be a basic slut clich on Halloween .)
I dont know about you guys, but I loathe when someone invades my own personal space, especially when its some really loud, actually heavy dude recklessly swaying his thick limb around. And it doesnt assistance that this dude wore a fucking unicorn onesie.
But you know what? I was irritated, but Im not a Grinch, especially on Halloween. So I softly tapped him on the shoulder and politely purred, Hey, buddy, do you mind moving a little to the left?
The unicorn boy turned around, his eyes as glassy as freshly polished marbles, and slurred, Woah, youre feisty.
I could feel the steam slowly start to come out of my ears, but I hear Michelle Obamas voice whisper in my ear: When they run low, we go high. So I took the high road. I was my version of polite.
Please only move a little to the left. Youre practically sitting in my lap, dude, I calmly said, emotionless because I knew what kind of prick I was dealing with the kind whothinks exhibiting any kind of feeling means youre a hysterical female who needs to be institutionalized.
So much stance! Why you gotta be so bitchy? he sneered.
Right on cue, Ruba handed me a shot of Fireball. I slugged the whole thing down in one go and remembered, once again, why I only go to gay bars.
Just move that way, I said flatly. I didnt feel like getting into it with a blacked-out douche suitcase. I need to preserve my rage for the election.
The guy rolled his eyes and yelled SHES MEAN! before stumbling somewhat to the left, the hood of his unicorn onesie falling down.
In that moment, I wished I werewearing a darker lipstick, my go-to fuckboy repellent.
OK, daughter. Lets catch up, I said to Ruba.
Well, she began. I have a huge interview
Hey ladies, I heard a voice slur behind me. I dont mean to be disrespectful, but wow, youre truly beautiffullllll .
THISguy was clad in a creepy beetle juice garb, which I received fairly bold and triggering, deeming were in the thick of a goddamn murderer buffoon epidemic.
Suddenly, this man child was creepily rubbing Rubas back, his whiskey breath assaulting the air and stimulating me wishes to gag/ die.
Do you mind devoting us a second? I just got back from London and Im trying to catch up with my best friend. We were mid-conversation, Ruba said like a civilized English virgin woman.
I wouldhave probably punched him out for scratching my back, but shes a little less reactive than I am.
Why do you dislike me! he viscously barked, his breath of fire sending a dramatic wave of nausea all over me.
We never said hate. Were simply mid-conversation, Ruba replied.
Now it was my turn to hand Rubaa Fireball shot.
OH, FIREBALL SHOTS! IM GOING TO ORDER ONE!
And just like that, Beetle Juiceordered a Fireball shot from the bartender, knockedit back and thanked us for the shoot. The shooting we didnt buy him.
We need to find him and stimulate him pay for his own goddamn drink! I shouted, really starting to rage.
How did that even happen? Ruba whimpered, forgetting about this specific breed of intolerableAmerican man.
And just like that, I felt a hard tap on my shoulder. Its was coming from another guy ferociously grinding his jaw( with ecstasy? cocaine ?) who was dressed like a skater.( I guess? He was wearing a helmutand an orange torn up T-shirt. I grew up around skate boys, and none of them ever looked like this, but whatever .)
Skate Boy seemed right at Ruba, and with deep hurt, proclaimed, Your friend HATES ME!
Ive never spoken to you before in my life. How could I dislike you? I asked in shock.
Because you gave me a dirty look, and look at you! You you you dont even want to talk to me! he stammered.
Suddenly, his cell phone resound. He picked up and started slurring into the phone. Hey, we are at some bar somewhere, and Im talking to this daughter named Christineand I love her and she hates me!
My name is not Christine, I said. And no offense, but Im mid-conversation with my friend right now.
SEE! You HATE me! Why do you dislike me Suzie .
Well, Im starting to fucking hate you, holding you simply interrupted my conversation, called me the wrong name twice, slurred into my face, your jaw is going a million miles an hour, you picked up the phone in the middle of our dialogue and because I dont care to talk to you youre accusing me of detesting you. Detest is a strong term, bro.
Stuck up bitches, Skater Boy said, swaying backwards and falling on my friend Ruba. She foughthis heavy body off of her.
I looked at her long and hard.
Do you realize weve been called a bitch three times tonight by strange, drunk men? I asked her, bewildered.
She dutifully nodded. Its like, if you dont want to fall all over a squandered bro, youre a bitch. Its absurd.